Abuse is NOT romance

discussion

#1

Just a PSA for all the young girls out there (or women, for that matter) getting swept up in the way romance authors portray men:

Abuse is never romantic. I’m not just talking about guys who beat their girlfriends, I’m talking about the whole “possessively controlling” trope where guys literally lose their heads when their girlfriend is around other men. Guys who frequently lose their tempers and start hitting things or other people (big warning sign, chances are one day it’ll be you). Guys who force themselves onto women or relentlessly pursue girls who have already said “no”.

You know what’s romantic?

CONSENT.

RESPECT.

These are the things romance authors should be praising. The whole “bad boy” trend is teaching women, especially impressionable young girls, that as long as a guy is hot those behaviors are okay. They are not. They will never be okay.

Don’t buy into these stories where happily ever after starts with a guy growling “You’re mine.” Find a man who values you enough to respect what you want.


The Witch's Lonely Hearts Club Band
#2

Preach it sister. Nothing about that is romantic. Nothing about that should be toted off as such. Controlling everything you do and everyone you see is abuse.


#3

In YA there’s this cliche where fx. the guy lean towards the girl main character and corner her and threaten her and she find it fine because he’s good looking, and that pretty much is the beginning of their romance and that’s not a healthy portrait at all.


#4

There is a new rule in modern romance stories: If a guy is hot enough, anything creepy / abusive / toxic / manipulative becomes instantly romantic. It applied in “Mortal Instruments”. It applied in “50 Shades” and many other books. I look forward to the day when being actually romantic, kind and respectful becomes the new favorite kink.


#5

Agreed, and stuff like rape, obsession, stalking, etc are not romantic either. If a person stalks or watches you sleep, he isn’t in love with you and deeply cares about you. He’s dangerous.


#6

An Enchantment of Ravens does a healthy romance


#7

but do people buy into it because it exists or because they like it?


#8

Yes!


#9

Say it louder for the romance writers in the back.

Let’s not forget to mention, the isolation from her friends and family.

Every human, I think, experiences a little jealousy. Especially in the beginning of a new relationship. There are other ways to handle this as writers without it being controlling, manipulative and unhealthy.

I know grown women in real life who actually like controlling guys and have had really terrible, abusive relationships as a result. It’s time to start helping our young girls know how to tell the difference.

That’s just my opinion and what I strive for as a TeenFic and YA romance writer.


#10

I think people do like a little umph, a little jealousy, a little fire. I get it. I like it too, but it’s very rarely, if ever, handled in a healthy way.

Isolation, busting walls, manipulation, straight up insults, controlling what she wears, who she hangs out with, where she works, the amount of makeup she wears…

But he loves me. I know he does cause he tells me so.

He just cares too much.

Gag.


#11

Totally agree with this, everyone should be aware of it
Thank you for bringing this up :slight_smile:


#12

I really wish teens who love these books would talk about why they love these abusive men.

For instance: Do they think it’s sexy for a man to call his girlfriend every dirty name in the book?


#13

YES


#14

You would hope they learn.

Then again writing about a handsome vampire king who takes you as slave but really as lover…just sells better.


#15

T H A N K Y O U??

I actually cannot believe that it’s 2018 and there are people still pulling this crap? The kids need saving, especially when they’re the ones writing it.

Enough bad boys. In this house we romanticize respectful relationships only.


#16

I do absolutely agree with you and I think that the same goes for gay relationships. Abuse became a trend, a go-to, for authors lacking inspiration but it’s no reason for readers to condone it !!! :thinking:


#17

A good house


#18

I can never like this enough. Why? Because this is what I have been saying myself for awhile now!

Hello? Married 17 years without a single violent episode of where I physically assaulted or abused my wife in any way, shape, or form.

I treat her like she’s my personal goddess in training. I make sure she has everything she could want (including White Christmas) and I respect her, I love her, I am her best friend and her partner and lover, and I would do anything for her.

I even went as far as to take some pretty high demanding jobs recently so we can have a roof over our heads. So we won’t go homeless. I’m also writing my novels and publishing them with the hopes I can make a little money off the side so I can continue to support her–as the man of the house.

And while I don’t do that many chores (because of my new overnight job), I’m still doing the lion’s share of the work so that my wife can go to bed and sleep happy.

She has never known a moment of distress when she’s around me. She’s always been there for me and I for her. Even in the toughest of times. Even when we went homeless once, she was there for me.

And I can’t think of anyone else I would want by my side except her.

If that’s not romantic and endearing, I don’t know what is.


#19

Some women full in love with a man that would boss them around. They love a man that is dominant because it shows “strength”. He takes charge and that’s what turns them on.


#20

[ cringe ]