Bad line or good line?

I need some help because sometimes i write something and i just think to myself, “Is this stupid?” so i am going to put a few of the lines i think might be cringy and you have to tell me whether or not they are.
please.
if you really want, i can follow you in return as long as you help more then once.

so here’s the first line, its more like a paragraph but here:
“ I’ve been known to overthink things.” I admit.
“Good. I was known for making impulse decisions. So maybe we can meet a happy medium.” Another thin smile ran across her lips. I don’t know her well enough to know whether or not it’s fake but I truly hope it’s real.

i feel like it’s so dumb but i need some sort of dialogue :laughing:

better verison of line but still unsure

“Yeah. Like a heartbeat in my arm. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I choose not to worry. Unlike you. You worry a lot don’t you?” she raised an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah I guess I’ve been known to overthink things.”

“Good. People used to tell me I make very impulsive decisions. So maybe we can meet a happy medium.” Another thin smile ran across her lips. I don’t know her well enough to decide whether or not it’s fake but I truly hope it’s real.

I’m curious! I like this description: “Another thin smile ran across her lips.”

One thing you should watch out for is switching tenses. You write “smile ran,” but then switch the present tense in the next clause. This article might help you decide whether you should use present or past: https://www.novel-writing-help.com/past-tense.html

3 Likes

Yeah I’ve been switching between both present and past depending the the situation and which sounds better but I do need to fix it lol

1 Like

Don’t think of your work as stupid.
I recently started to write and I constantly think about my mistakes or things I should have written differently and I write again and again until I like it.
Some people comment on the mistakes I’ve made and I correct some of it.
You can change it all, don’t be afraid to write and publish what you want, some people will like it and some won’t.
Also, it gets easier as you write. If you read my first chapter and compare it to the things I’m currently writing, you’ll see the difference.

1 Like

I getcha man - sometimes a cool line is embarrassing to write.
But it looks alright, so I say go for it!

3 Likes

These sounds really stupidly cute, and I like them for it. They have a good and light-hearted sense of humor to them, really useful for two people who just met.

3 Likes

Maybe remove “I admit”? It breaks the flow of the dialogue.
Also I didn’t instead of don’t, and “I am known” instead of “I was known”

Its a good line, these are just some minor suggestions to polish/edit it

1 Like

Aside from the switching tenses, I think its quirky and cute, not dumb.

1 Like

Good, I’m known for making impulsive decisions. So maybe we can meet at a happy medium.

Honestly I didn’t really do much… but…

1 Like

“ I’ve been known to overthink things,” I admit.
“Good. I am known for being impulsive. Maybe we can find a happy medium together.” Another thin smile formed on her lips. I didn’t know her well enough to tell if it was fake but I hoped not.

I’m into brevity lately. I tend to pull a lot of extra words out of my writing. Especially, words like ‘truely’ and ‘so’. Also, using ‘know’ and its form ‘known’ three times in the same paragraph was distracting.

1 Like

I don’t think it’s the lines themselves, as in the meaning of the lines, that’s hurting you but the grammar and structure. Lines like these CAN sound good, you just have to work with different wordings and sentence structures.

1 Like

Thank you to everyone here! I’m going to go fix the line now!

Oh I forgot to mention that the reason they speak in past tense is because everyone they knew is dead so they’re no longer known for anything. But I mean it would sound better if I just kept it present tense.

1 Like

@mrbadwithnames
@fiona_blake
@mdpotter55
@CuriousGirlJNW
@LanaJoKing
@MEGAMAMMU
@Sakumira-Agashi
@BTSspicy

Hello! I’ve updated the line and added some dialogue a little bit before to give a better look at them so here is what I came up with. What do you guys think?

“Yeah. like a heartbeat in my arm. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I choose not to worry. Unlike you. You worry a lot don’t you?” she raised an eyebrow at me.

“ yeah I guess I’ve been known to overthink things.”

“Good. People used to tell me I make very impulsive decisions. So maybe we can meet a happy medium.” Another thin smile ran across her lips. I don’t know her well enough to decide whether or not it’s fake but I truly hope it’s real.

4 Likes

One word, awesome!
It feels a lot more enthusiastic for lack of a better word - like I feel invested in these two characters with little to no context - that’s great!

1 Like

Thank you!

1 Like

I find it good and cute :smile:

I don’t think it’s stupid at all, especially the idea behind this conversation. It’s actually very clever. You could phrase it a bit differently to make it sound more natural or cool. Perhaps:

“I tend to overthink things,” I admit.

“Good,” she says, another thin smile runs across her lips. “I’m impulsive. This should be interesting.”

I wonder if that was also out of impulse, but I sure hope it was real.


So many ways to write this, because the idea is :+1:t4:

1 Like

Thank you very much!

This is what I ended up with

“Yeah. Like a heartbeat in my arm. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I choose not to worry. Unlike you. You worry a lot don’t you?” she raised an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah I guess I’ve been known to overthink things.”

“Good. People used to tell me I make very impulsive decisions. So maybe we can meet a happy medium.” Another thin smile ran across her lips. I don’t know her well enough to decide whether or not it’s fake but I truly hope it’s real.

2 Likes

I don’t really understand the comparison you did between heartbeat in your arm because the other part probably came first. Instead of “another thin smile ran across her lips"I would use another thin smile spread across her lips” but that’s me.:blush: