Beginning hooks!


#21

I would suggest avoiding repeating the word once so closely together. A nice variant could be -

…into motion once more. It seemed ages ago that she had floated…

Or -

…into motion once more. There was a time when she had floated…

Or -

…into motion again. Once, she had…


#22

Soooo, I’m confused. what if the person above you doesn’t leave a hook to look over? I wanted to post mine but didn’t want to look like a butthead by potentially ignoring a hook to look over. I just didn’t want to seem rude by posting my stuff without regarding the person before me.


#23

Hmm, it is hard to tell if anyone’s waiting for a response.

@LailaLiliana - were you looking for feedback on your opening that begins “Finally. He was finally asleep…” ?

@dig1115 Go ahead and post yours, we’ll figure it out. :grin:


#24

@wa02guy Not necessarily, I wasn’t waiting on anything but I’d hear someone out if they had some. It said “let’s share” so I shared lol! :joy:

@dig1115 I was in the same boat, the post above me wasn’t one. I did comment on the one above that though, since I was also confused by the wording.


#25

It is well written and, I think, a good intro. It makes you hate the boyfriend already and we haven’t even met his character.


#26

I see. :blush: Thanks for clarifying!

Regarding your opening, I’ll echo what @KJTaylorWrites said: I can’t stand the guy already, and I want him to get his comeuppance!


#27

I never would have guessed you didn’t think too much about the opening paragraph if you didn’t write that! I am currently reading your story and the first paragraph got me really interested. It was obvious in just that short part that the boyfriend was bad news. And it was equally obvious that the main character was, unfortunately, way too used to it. It did not seem to be a new situation for her at all.
I thought it was a great lead into your story.


#28

Ok, here’s a hook from a chapter in my fanfiction…

The alarm bell peeled through the night, propelling Ahgony out of his bed and to his blades before he was even fully awake. They had only been asleep for a short time; the night was ending and dawn was racing for the horizon. He ran from his room in the cellar and nearly collided with Fleur.

“What is that we hear?” Fleur asked.

“A dire calamity, if it rings this hour! I must be off.”

Rhoze rushed into the room, armed herself, with her daggers and bow. “I am ready to travel with you.”

“Where do you go?” Ahgony demanded.

“To fight. The more capable bodies, the better, yes?”

Ahgony regarded her for a few moments, but couldn’t deny the truth of her words. “Must you stay here, Rhoze. You know your skill is to be secret. And, I need someone to protect thine mother.”


#29

@KJTaylorWrites @wa02guy @amys99999 Thanks you guys! :blush:

@amys99999 I’m really excited to start yours! It’s in my library!


#30

Good job creating a voice for your characters. I also like the name “Rhoze”. It reminds me of “Rose”. I also like that you’re hinting at action. I love a good fight scene. Bonus point for making Rhoze sound badass. I’m not even into fanfic but I’ll give it a 8/10. The only negative is when he went from talking loudly and to talking normally.


#31

From, Knights of Lore

Kariah-Belle Nadirè knew she would have bruises from the monster’s giant hand squeezing around her abdomen. She also knew she would puke any minute if the giant brute didn’t stop flailing her about every which way.
“Guys, ” the brown-skinned young woman began just before she forced herself to swallow the bit of vomit that threatened to escape her throat. “do something already!”

The all black creature roared as it tightened its grip around her, swatting at a redhead young man with a bright red aura around him. The young man avoided colliding with Kariah-Belle’s face and landed on the side of a building made of chrome-like material, his hand melting a slit for him to latch to.

“What’s the matter, Ri?” Said Lax-Rim, Kariah-Belle’s childhood friend, his smirk teasing and his crimson eyes held a playful gleam. “You look a little green there.”

The lumbering black monster roared yet again as it swung its large black sword for the redhead. He leaped off the building just as the black blade tore through it.

Kariah-Belle fought against nausea as she was slung through the air.
Lax-Rim, The young woman thought through the nurolink, the tech used to allow telepathic communication. You ass! Hurry up and get me down!
We’re trying, Ri. Jet answered in the link. This Evilbarer is tougher than we thought. Just sit tight.

Don’t worry. Kariah thought. I’ll sit as tight as this monster’s grip.


#32

Personally, I am a huge fan of the one-or-two sentence opening hooks that add a level of comedy and surprise to the book. When someone reads a hook that makes them want to see what the context is, it allows for a more fun chapter in my opinion. Here’s mine!

“Okay, time for a re-cap. I accidentally tore a hole in the side of a plane after a very strange nightmare, fell out of the sky, got impaled by a tree trunk, and then got arrested. Just a normal Tuesday afternoon.”


#33

Thanks! The unusual prose was hard. It’s a flashback scene, and the original author does this, as well as the italics, to indicate that, so I followed suit.
And Rhoze is badass. :slight_smile: She’s the main character, so I’m glad that came across.


#34

Good hook! Totally normal day.
I’d find a way to get rid of the “okay” at the beginning, unless that’s the personality of your character. But, overall, I like it! I’d give it a 8/10… I’d want to read a little more to see if the story was good.


#35

I really liked this one. It was unusually long but the dynamic prose made me want to know more about Kariah’s situation. The only thing that interrupted my immersion was this:

I think the sentence was too long and unnecessarily descriptive. Overall, an 8.5/10.

Here’s mine:
“Please God, please help me today…” was his everyday prayer.

Every day before entering the uni building, Mark made sure to pray to god, wishing not to meet Gu Ren, the only hooligan of the school. Today was another ordinary day, like any other day.

How did he land in this situation?

No one knows.


#36

Good point. That’s a bad habit of mine.


#37

“The fuck you want?” I called at the man in the doorframe.
Although he was already hunched over, he still surpassed the height and width of the entry.
The door is a good approximation of my measures, so the man’s dimensions are quite intimidating.
That’s definitely a berserk…

(I just wrote this out of memory, in reality it’s slightly different)


#38

Hmmm, I think this is pretty cool although I’d want a little more content. Like make it a little long so I can really get caught up in the idea of your story. I feel like if a hook is a little to short the Reader wont have enough to grasp at so we get left wondering “This sounds cool, but wheres the rest?” Well that’s how i’d feel anyway.


#39

Any who here’s my lil blurb, although I will admit it’s a lil long!

My name is Vondx and I can see through other alternate realities by what I call “Possessing” the eyes of people from different realities. I experience their reality as if it were my own. It’s painful and scary, and honestly, it’s hard trying to separate my reality from others… Suffice it to say my mental state has been disturbed drastically, but I digress.
Firstly, Vondx is not my identity, but for safety reasons, I’ve opted to stay anonymous. If my identity were to be made public I’d never be able to live a normal life again. There are dangerous people in this world who would do anything to obtain my abilities and use them to achieve their own goals. I’d have never been able to stay in one place for too long. I never stay put for too long anyway, but I lead this life because I want to. I don’t want to be forced to live like this. I have the right to live life how I choose just like any other human born on this planet. It’s painful but I had left my family as well.
Finally, I can see into other universes but I can only see so much. My visions come directly from whoever or whatever I’m “Possessing” I can’t take control of them or sway their decisions. I can only sit and observe. However, I’ve found that when I’m viewing alternate realities I also have the power to exist in all space and in any one reality at every moment in time (Except in ours). I’m not omnipotent but in my own reality, I can perfectly recall everything that I saw.
I’ve done some researching and found a theory as to what might be going on. Something about plains of existence, and how you perceive things differently in different plains, but that’s esoteric and much too difficult to try and explain here. Still, something about these visions disturb me, and not in the horrific screaming way but in a subtle way. These visions are only fragments of a bigger picture, but I don’t know how they connect. However, as a millennial I know where to find people who can, the internet.


#40

Right now, this is what I have, and I’m still not sold on it. (I’ll reply to a few others momentarily.)

In an alley between a tavern and a smithy, fussing with the hilt of the sword leant against her right leg, the ex-princess of Astalia sweats beneath the hood of a faded tunic. A pile of travel-bags rest at her feet as she leans against the stone wall opposite the tavern’s back exit. Glaring at the door, she taps her foot impatiently.

“What in Styx is taking so long?” she mutters to herself.

She’d sent her lone companion, her precious first and only knight, inside to gather information on their contact roughly an hour ago. She certainly hadn’t expected a bit of chatting to take so long.