Blurb editing. Anyone help?!

Hi! I’d love some help and critiquing on my blurb. It’s just hard to get the entire focus of it.

It’s always the same routine for Xynder D’Amare, CEO of top innovative company for general entertainment: LizardFeather. Until a supplier’s party changes his life. He meets a masked male singer who tempts him, challenging him at any given moment. He takes him home for the night, but the other has some conditions.

One rule. Two Strangers. Three Chances. Four Nights.

Xynder D’Amare finds himself bored. Every day is the same thing over and over again. Wake up, eat, work, go to a bar, sleep around with a random girl/guy, head home and call it a night. He decides to change this monotonous routine by going to a masquerade ball by one of his company’s suppliers. Talking business all night makes him begin to regret it.

Then, someone catches his eye. A guy, a soft smile contrasting with his dark purple mask. Something was so alluring about this person. He decided to get him out of his head. One night, he said to himself. Instead, he got him even further into his system and craves more, he is willing to do anything. The masked stranger gives certain terms that Xynder has to obey by, or it’s bye bye to his stranger with benefits.

One rule. Two Strangers. Three Chances. Four Nights.

This is my cover for the book:

This needs to be in improve your writing. This section is for offering editing services.

Hi there,

As @LigerCat noted, this is better suited in #improve-your-writing so I’ll go ahead and move it for you :slight_smile:

Thanks for understanding,
Fray - Community Ambassador :awfrasier:

In my opinion…
Both are a little wordy. Especially the second one. So while neither really draw my attention, the first is definitely better. But I’d probably try to make it a bit punchier, removing some of the unnecessary words that don’t really add anything. “… challenging him at any given moment” simply reinforces the “who tempts him” part, so it’s not really adding much.

Try simplifying it- get to the heart of what’s interesting about your story and don’t waste words.

Also, I really like the “One rule. Two Strangers. Three Chances. Four Nights.” part. It’s the most intriguing part of your blurb. Maybe you can use it as the first sentence of your blurb (and maybe also a tagline for your cover?). I can definitely see that drawing some readers in.

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I 100% agree with @OConnellElaine the “One rule. Two Strangers. Three Chances. Four Nights.” part would be a perfect opening for your blurb and would draw more readers in.

I prefer the first blurb, short and simple is always the way to go with blurbs In my opinion. You want to offer enough information to get people interested but not too much information as this can appear a little daunting to a reader and may make your book seem over complicated and fussy before they have even gotten to the first page.

I really like the wording though, it makes your story sound very intriguing and offers an insight into the plot without giving too much away.

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