Blurb Feedback


#1

Just wondering how my blurb is how I could make it more interesting?

"Kim Oakes. Fresh out of high school and ready for her first year of college.

Forrest Murray, her older brothers best friend and one of the biggest walking disasters she’d ever seen.

So how did they end up in the same dorm room. under the same roof?

Throw in a ton on unrequited feelings and Forrest’s three year old daughter and Kim starts to question whether this was the college experience that she really wanted?"


#2

maybe try:

Kim Oakes is ready for her first year of college. Until she realizes her new roommate is, somehow, her brother’s best friend, Forest Murray, who is also one of the biggest walking disasters she’s ever seen. And Forest’s three year-old daughter.

How did this happen and–more importantly–how is Kim going to survive her first year at college when unrequited feelings get thrown into the mix?

Overall, like the idea and wanted to try cutting it down so it feels smoother–your version sounds great in my head (almost like a movie trailer!) but when written out, reads haltingly


#3

I think this is quite bland, and the grammar is a bit off. Maybe:

Two people. Kim Oakes. Fresh out of high school and ready for her first year of college.
Forrest Murray. Kim’s older brother’s best friend. Also, he’s one of the biggest walking disasters she’s ever seen.

So how did they end up together, in the same dorm room, under the same roof? Throw in a ton of unrequired feelings and Forrest’s young daughter, and Kim starts to question if this was the college experience she wanted.


#4

Allison to the outside world, is like any other teenage girl. She studies hard before going to work at the local store and heading home, where she rests and then repeats the days again and again.

That is, until the day a young man approaches her as she’s sitting on a park bench. Suddenly Allison’s small world is broadened, her life no longer solely about school and work - now it is filled with all the good things Allison has dreamed of. But will her secrets ruin this new-found happiness?


#5

(Previously: Mathematical Challenges)

Bethany is the new girl in school, arriving at sunnyvale high, she finds herself struggling to keep her grades up in maths, the teaching style so different from her old school. Forced to have someone tutor her, she meets James, a nerd unlike any other. A bad boy and smart, she finds herself drawn to him, unable to keep her distance.


#6

Olivia Jones had lived in the same house for fourteen years. Her neighbours never seemed to stay around for long and it had been some time since they had neighbours last.

What happens when new neighbours move in next door with a son Olivia’s age? Will they clash? Or will this new family move out before they can get to know them?

Rewritten Version


#7

Hope you don’t mind. These are my other books.


#8

LAST ONE:

After a few bad dating experiences, Bianca gave up on boys and flirting. Things never worked out and she was tired of the heartbreak.

That changed the moment Jacob walked into her life. He was confident, charming, but most of all, persistent.

Both are determined to get what they want, so who will cave in first?


#9

Where is the fun here? Make them stand out :slight_smile: list something unique. Like, “After a few bad dating experiences, like the time she was catfished by her mom” (I know, the sounds weird, couldn’t think of anything on the fly! But otherwise, good simple hook!


#10

Can you help me with the other blurbs please? They are all for different books.