Done! Great idea and I can see you’re doing a rewrite! Rewrites suck, believe me, I know! I have been rewriting Lucas since 2015 on and off (literally on the 4th rewrite - but this is the one). You have great writing and a clear idea of how you want your chapter to progress, which I love. I must admit, though, that the feel and tone of the chapter’s opening is very different to how you closed it.
Title: Death by Disney
Blurb: Mickey and Minnie are dead, or at least Ashley Ferguson and Jake Moore are. Where did we find their bodies you ask? Only in the happiest place on earth.
Payment Completed: yes, i followed
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? feedback, spam is nice too lol
Title: The Greatest Obsession
Genre: Vampire (Historical Romance LGBT)
Blurb: Elijah Marks has always dreamed of marrying the love of his life, Irina Snow. His dreams will be coming true and in the upcoming months, he’ll be a happily married man. His plans are thwarted at the arrival of a stalker in the night, who leaves Elijah with bloody bites and wounded confidence. In an effort to capture the monster and prove to his soon-to-be father-in-law that the stalker is not human, he allows the being into his room to be caught in the act. It is Elijah’s greatest mistake that leads to his greatest obsession.
Payment Completed: I’ll be reading Chapter Three of Antihero. I think I officially fell in love this last chapter (Chapter 2)
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? No, ma’am. This review is for Chapter Three. I suspect you may find this to be another filler chapter, but it does have its importance, for that I am sure.
Just posting to let you know I finished the payment.
Done! Finally, sorry you replied to some comments before I finished ;-; I had work.
Overall such a fun read, with a clear idea! Your concept is unique and I already feel back for Patrick and Allison because she will be taken away! I totally would never sign knowing that. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to let them go.
No worries! I understand being busy and all.
I’m glad you enjoyed it so much. I fear the prologue gives a poor impression of later segments of the novel, so I’m considering scrapping it and rewriting a new beginning. Allison and Patrick are parents of the main character, for example. I appreciate your comments though! It helps me to realize the writing isn’t the issue. It’s moreso the content shown.
Name: The Rise of A King
Blurb: Kieran Caspian never thought he’d have to take on the role of king, but when his father and elder brother are both slaughtered in a brutal raid, Kieran is forced to accept this newfound responsibility and lead his people in a war he never saw coming. There was a dark, evil power manifesting in Aerith, and the only way Kieran’s people even stood a chance would be through a dangerous power his father had warned him about.
Payment completed: Yes, follow
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Yes, I overall want to be critiqued on my writing itself and if the ideas of my story are explained well enough.
Yes! I was going to comment on this, but I didn’t because, obviously, you as the author know what’s best for your story. BUT, I was totally questioning the prologue and why it was there.
Basically, it was nice to read but it was really really long. Not only that, but I wondered what value it brought to the story/plot as a whole? We already know they get an artificial child, due to the child being the MC. I was unsure what point you were trying to make with the prologue, whether or not there was some important clue hidden in there in regards to the rest of the story. Personally, if you want to keep the prologue, I think it would be more effective if it was a lot shorter, as it does feel more like a chapter one than a prologue as it is currently!
So, here’s a short story about why the prologue is there. I didn’t have a blurb originally. So, in the blurb spot, I had the “contract” there.
I wrote the contract to avoid writing a blurb. Then I realized that people were going from the contract to a chapter about Faith learning she isn’t human. I created the prologue as a link between the contract and chapter one. Later on, I wrote a legit blurb need to tweak it though so… now, the prologue has lost its purpose and I can remove the contract as well. Although, I’ll probably keep the contract and put it on my tumblr as a bonus for new fans. tl;dr: Trying to avoid writing a blurb has led me to writing a fake contract and a prologue.
Hahahaha omg yeah I can see how that worked out. Well, it’s up to you but basically every time I write a chapter and then doubt whether I need it I try to answer these questions:
What does this chapter bring to the plot?
What purpose does this chapter have (eg, does it have info relevant down the line, builds characters)?
Does this chapter affect my character in some large way?
How does this chapter progress the plot (different to the first question, because the first could be bringing information or characters to the plot)?
If I can’t answer these with substantial answers, then I tend to ditch the chapter (or at least I don’t publish it and wait to see if it fits well elsewhere). I have been trying to do this thing called ‘Kill your darlings’ which is basically removing anything that doesn’t benefit the story in an impactful way (no matter how much you love it).
That sounds super helpful. I’ll give it a try. Thanks!
For future reference, are you cool with google docs? I might request again with my new first chapter once I’m done writing it.
Yeah no worries! I also do google docs Actually, sometimes I make more comments on google docs because I can comment on specific words or spellings.
Title: The Disease Called Men
Genre: YA/Coming of Age
Blurb: Who needs boys? Certainly not Aldenbury Girls Grammar School!
Just when everything began to finally fall into place, it falls apart - at least, for student council president Cerise. Cerise will do everything in her power to prevent Aldenbury from becoming co-ed. That includes bribery, coercion and maybe even the use of blackmail (which she may or may not have orchestrated the events herself). Along with her loyal, albeit reluctant group of friends, she has one goal in her mind:
Eliminate this disease called men.
Payment Completed: Will start reading your book now.
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Anything I could improve on. Haha feel free to drag me.
Thank you for your time.
Alright, so I thought I would just make a comment here regarding whether your first chapter is captivating enough. Basically, I definitely think it is enjoyable and I would read on! You have a good introduction to the world and there’s some great action (plus that funny mercenary lol). If anything, I just wish we could connect to the MC a bit more! Overall, I think it’s a great opening chapter.
Thanks again for your feedback! I really really appreciate it
Done! Such a nice way to bring out the hidden feelings we all have and you’ve done a great job of increasing reader connection by keeping the nightmare hidden!
Thank you so much!!
Done! Such a cool chapter and idea. I was unsure whether ‘sneak peek #1’ was supposed to be read before 1, but it was listed beforehand so I assumed so???
That was released before the first chapter so it was kind of snippet of what to expect. It can be read before the first chapter, however, terms are not defined yet for the sake of not giving too much of the story away.
Thank you for all of your comments, I will definitely take them into consideration for future chapters/editing process ^^
Done! I totally didn’t expect to love this as much as I did. You’ve done a really good job portraying a futuristic time where we have had to revert back to old-fashioned society! It was really interesting and well planned.