Brooke's Comment Spam (Closed for catchup )

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critiques

#122

Hello! You applied at the right time because I was sitting here and going through them all! I am not one for horror (which is the main reason I didn’t read on). It’s true sometimes you won’t get good feedback but that’s life. Even I sometimes don’t give good feedback if I can’t find much to say!

I like the idea you have though, but I would definitely recommend making the chapters a bit longer and increasing the tense-feeling people expect from horror! And, for a 14 year old, you’re doing really well!


#123

FORM :
Title: Brown Haired Thief
Genre: Teen Fiction
Blurb:“When life gives you lemons, just steal them.”

Rain Vierra stole to survive and it became her skill. Moving to a new town she expected to stay low-key, but one task to steal a big thing ruins it for her.

Meeting potential criminals or trying to not get attached to them was not her concern. From throwing a ball to her face to saving her, the boys became someone she needed and the friends she wanted.

When the badboys- Sky and Jordan tripped themselves into her life, she could only ask herself what wrong she did to deserve this.

It’s true when they say “One truth can change it all.” And only one truth is what lies between them too.
Lies, betrayals, heartbreaks, cheaters, troublemakers, new relationships and a lot more is on the ride to finding the truth.

Payment Completed: YES

Are you looking for feedback on something specific? The flow and sentence structure. I really am not good with it.


#124

I appreciate all your feedback - it helped me see the story in a new light :bulb:


#125

Title: Legend&Ash
Genre: Adventure
Blurb: Ashley has known that being average would someday be her downfall, having Hero parents, and a best friend that might be something more. She finds dangerous coming her way when her soul is nearly taken and a familiar alien hero wanna be, deems her as the Ambassador of Heroes and Villains.
Payment completed: yes
Are you looking for feedback on something specific?: pacing and the normal


#126

Title: Jackets and Stars
Genre: Teen Fiction
Blurb: Change happens when you least expect it.
For Cassie Miller, it was in 1980.
As her family moves from New York to Ohio, Cassie finds herself stuck in the suburbs, and her life changes dramatically.
New school, new friends, and new neighbors.
Oh, and she finds new love.
Cassie is forced to step out of the shadow, and confront reality like she never had the courage to before.
:warning: Prejudice is dangerous.
Payment Completed: Followed!
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? plot development and first impressions of the main character!
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/161283570-jackets-and-stars
:hugs:


#127

Done! Hope I could help a little bit. Flow and sentence structure come with time, but if you want to pick up on it quickly then try reading your sentences aloud!


#128

FORM :

Title:
Legacy: What Will You Leave Behind?

Genre:
Short Story/Tragedy

Blurb:
I frowned. Regaining all my senses I could easily feel the soreness, bruises, and pain that ran through all my body, but, I got the sudden urge to do the opposite of what my body wanted. Carefully ripping of the EKG stickers, I slid off the edge of the bed, the balls of my feet in agony, I stumbled my way there and barely landed on the green leather couch. Pulling myself into a fetus position I sat there silently adoring her. I found myself smiling. Although her mother was an alcoholic and used to beat her, Serena never gave in. Despite being young and vulnerable. People are easy to criticise a pretty face and say, she probably had it easy. Beauty is different than arrogance, but people seem to forget that.

Payment Completed:
Follow and will most likely review Lucas when I have time. Thanks!

Are you looking for feedback on something specific?
Are you hooked? Because I’ve been told the story picks up later and not in the first chapter. Basically, are you interested.

Appreciate it (:smile:


#129

Done! Check out my comments for all the feedback. I think you have a really nice idea, and can’t wait to see how you progress it!


#130

Done! I can’t give a lot of feedback on the MC as I feel I don’t know anything about her and didn’t get a chance to see who she really is. Apart from her strong personality, we didn’t get a lot of time to really see into who she is in the first chapter. Love the idea and your writing is all really nice!


#131

Your critique was amazing! I am definitely going to work on them!


#132

Title: The Last Hope
Genre: Adventure, LGBT
Blurb: The war between Humans of Planet Earth and Elves of Planet Syra have been going on for years. Once close allies, now sworn enemies.
However, as the Prophet said, there is hope. The Destined One will end the bloodbath between the two planets.

Asarel, born as the second prince of Elves, but caged in the Palace for almost his entire life.
Elijah, a top-ranking military graduate who just finished his training and goes on his first mission.
When the two are brought together by a fated meeting, what will happen?

This is a love story between two different creatures that bloom in the middle of an interplanetary war.
Payment Completed: Comments on “Antihero.” Love your book!
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Plot development and mostly how do you feel about the story

Thanks for the help :blush:


#133

thank you!


#134

Title: Sullied
Genre: fantasy
Blurb: Sassa is sullied, stained, impure, a crossbreed of empyrean, lele, and hallowed lineage. Hunted like game and despised by all she’s merely trying to survive in a world that wants to see her dead.

On her journey to escape the west, she finds herself in the wrong hands and face to face with an ancient artifact she’d thought to be a fairy tale. A wonder, a jinn. It’s real, and powerful and waiting to possess a new master.

But multiple prospects seek to claim it, for to have to the jinn is to have the world.

Azrael wants nothing more than to have a forged sword of his own, to prove his worth and to claim the most respected position in the empyrean army, commander and dragon rider. When he stumbles across the little abomination that is Sassa things get complicated as she slowly starts to unravel truths that the empyrean have hidden for centuries.

Payment Completed: Payment complete. I’ve left my thoughts and comments on the book “Lucas”.

Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Grammar, but for the most part just feedback on your overall thoughts of the story line.


#135

Thanks for doing this! I followed you!

title: Silver Glass
genre: paranormal
blurb: Dulcie glimpses a person’s death the first time she touches them. Most people die in beds, with grey hair and wrinkles. But not Anselm. When Dulcie watches him breathe his last, he’s underwater…and he still looks about sixteen.

Dulcie knows what happens when she tells people how they die: they live in fear and still die exactly as she saw. But Anselm, who’s never met a cause he didn’t care about, is concerned by her reaction to his death. He keeps asking her questions.

Dulcie avoids Anselm, content to go to school, come home, and drink just enough vodka each night so that the day’s deaths fade, and she can fall asleep to a Disney princess movie.

Somewhere between avoiding Anselm’s questions, and secretly helping him complete his bucket list, she lets him see the broken, romantic girl hiding behind all that sass and booze. And she starts falling for him.

If she gets closer to Anselm, he will eventually learn the truth about his death, and this will destroy his final days. If she pushes him away, it will break both of their hearts, leaving him to die feeling rejected.

payment complete: yes
feedback: whatever you feel is needed. I’ve been pretty thorough with grammar, but I need help with big picture things like plot and pacing and character. And anything else you’d like to mention!

thank you!


#136

Title: From Embers
Genre: Fantasy
Blurb: *In a post-apocalyptic world, supernatural beings took a chance to live in the open after hiding themselves throughout history. With the human race underground, The New World settles into a false sense of peace for an age when trouble starts to brew again. Humans want the world back, and they’ll do almost anything to achieve their goal.

Having spent her life hidden from the world, a young woman escapes her Caretakers only to find herself in the middle of a brewing war. Thrust into a mismatched group and set on a mission to prevent another apocalypse, it’s hard for Jai-Jai to keep her past in the past. It’s even harder when a nosy vampire is continuously trying to uncover her secrets; secrets which could not only change the course of the war but, the fate of the world.
Payment Completed: Will follow if you accept :slight_smile:
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Any feedback really

Thanks in advance! :slight_smile:


#137

Title: Living Will
Genre: General/Mystery
Blurb:
What do you do when your father passes away and leaves you in charge of his multi-million dollar company? How about when guys break into your apartment and beat you up, or when the bodyguard that your new assistant hires for you is just plain weird? Charlie has no idea, but he’d better figure it out.
Payment Completed: Yes!!!
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? Just trying to improve in general :blush:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/164140165-living-will


#138

Title: White Stag
Genre: Fantasy/werewolf
Blurb: Arabelle Mizienko is recently diagnosed with brain cancer, and has resigned to that fact that she isn’t going to live. After visiting her friend, she suddenly blacks out and regains consciousness in a fantasy realm that makes her question her sanity. She finds herself immersed in a centuries-old war between winged men who rule the Sky, and werewolves who rule the land. Arabella is engaged in a desperate attempt to find the only one who can end this war- the missing legendary White Stag Queen.

“How long will I have to live?” Arabella said.

“That’s the thing,” Axel turned around. “You either find Eden and make him reverse the curse or die trying.”

Payment: Both! I love reading books, and I look forward to following you.

I am looking for help on basically anything. Any feedback is great/wanted!

Thanks for considering my book! :heart:


#139

Thank you! Glad you liked it :slight_smile:


#140

Done! An interesting premise and I enjoyed the read.


#141

FORM :
Title: Lost
Genre: Cross cultural romance/Thriller
Blurb: Passed down the family, the weight of centuries-old trust was placed upon Salma Rahman when she was only two. The little Sthooriy girl from Oochaath tribe, has now grown up into a smart, passionate, but a very stubborn young lady who lives a happy, though sheltered life. Having picked up an unexpected interest in bees, she has her eyes set on becoming an entomologist. Everything seems to work out, until an accident befalls her on her way to a camping trip, and her only companion in the desolate wild, Zayn Harris, strikes her like a bolt from blue.

He leads a dual life; she has her secrets to keep.

He’s scarred by his past; she’s too nonconforming to give him what he needs.

He’s not willing to give up; she doesn’t plan on giving in.

Holding on to the Code she has been raised to live by - a code that has been passed down the generations for over a millennium - she tries not to get lost.

While they stick to their disparate worlds of thought, bickering back and forth, a terrifying shadow prowls the forest in the dead of the night. To survive, Salma and Zayn must overlook their differences, or their attempts to strike a compromise might come too little, too late, too lost.

Payment Completed: yep
Are you looking for feedback on something specific? I want all the problems pointed out. Plot, grammer, descriptions, flow, everything. Whereever you see I have messed up point it out straight. I’m alright with no praise, so don’t worry about that. I just want to know my mistakes. Thanks :blush: