Brutally Honest Reviews | 03 | Extract Edition | READ THE FIRST POST BEFORE POSTING

feedback-offered
critiques

#1
  • Remain with 2k character limit posts (short extracts, approx. 350 words)
  • Increase the character limit to 15k (approx. 3k words) and allow for full chapters

0 voters

N O T E

Since these forums have a section for games I am no longer sure if this thread belongs in IYW or the Games/Story Services section. Since this thread has survived review in the past and is actively geared towards improving writing through critique I thought it would make sense if it remained here but, if this thread now belongs in the Games/Story Services section, please feel free to move it.


W E L C O M E

Welcome to the extract edition of Brutally Honest Reviews! In contrast to the Chapter Edition counterpart, this edition of Wattpad’s BHR will still focus on shorter extracts and therefore more in-depth critique. Here, a maximum of 500 words will be allowed. This therefore makes it more useful for those who want more in-depth critiques of their work.

*Only honest reviews are given here, so this is in no way intended for those who are sensitive to criticism.

  1. Rate the post above you out of ten. Remember to be honest. Don’t sugar coat anything. If you see any mistakes, point them out. If there’s anything that could be added or changed, tell them. Don’t give them more than 8 unless it’s flawless writing. There’s always something to improve on.
  2. Add the title of your book + chapter title and submit up to 500 words of any part of your story. The person under you rates it.

R U L E S

  1. Do not be rude/ mean! Although we’re all being honest in this thread you don’t have the right to say things like “This is absolute trash” or “You should give up on writing because you’ll never be good at it.”
  2. Don’t be upset about your review if it wasn’t what you were hoping for. These people took time out of their day to read your excerpt and give you pointers on how to get better, so be respectful.
  3. Critique before you post. You can’t expect someone to rate yours thoroughly if you don’t do the same. If you see anyone doing this, don’t rate their excerpt until they do their fair share. Rate the post above theirs instead.
  4. It’s recommended to post your review, then your excerpt. Doing it the other way around may lead to you being skipped.
  5. If the thread dies before you get a review, feel free to bump.
  6. Please, unless necessary, avoid double rating. Double rating is where you critique the person who critiqued you. This isn’t recommended as it often leads to bias in the ratings. Plus, we don’t want any one person to monopolise the thread.
  7. All critique should contain some positives regardless of whether it’s supposed to be blunt or not. It’s proper critiquing style.
  8. Summary boxes are optional. However, to make scrolling easier, they are recommended. The code for summary boxes is listed further down this thread.

WORD COUNT LIMIT: All posted extracts should fit under 500 words. Feel free to post in parts. Redirect to Chapter Edition for a longer word count limit.

U S E F U L C O D E S

This is the title (CLICK TO OPEN)

This is the extract.

<details><summary>This is the title (CLICK TO OPEN)</summary>

This is the extract.</details>

Red.
Purple.

<font color="#FF0F0F">Red.</font>
<font color="#C00FFF">Purple.</font>

Strikethrough.

~~Strikethrough.~~

Blockquote.
<blockquote>Blockquote.</blockquote>

<hr> = Horizontal rule, as seen above (the separation line)

Center.

[center]Center.[/center]

Wattpad Clubs Version


#2

And I suppose, just to start. . .


It was night now, and a cold breeze was beginning to siphon through the cracks in the compound. There was no heating. Hidayat buried deeper under the cotton sheets, though still shivered in the cold air. He’d left his favourite blanket back home, in the mortal world. He wondered if he could still reach it.

Hani was moving around, dusting the chests off, and every step squeaked beneath. He was searching for something; maps, he said. He wanted to see Aden in full. Hidayat, with tired eyes, didn’t inquire, but it was clear that Hani wanted to leave the compound tonight, and he didn’t want to go alone.

For some reason, Hani was increasingly alert; every little shuffle by Hidayat caught his attention. The fifteen year old remained bundled beneath the sheets, but he felt the sleep fade as he grew more interested in Hani’s actions. Soon, with the sheet trailing behind him, he stumbled over.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “Why maps?”

Hani didn’t respond. Instead, he pressed his finger against one of the maps he had drawn from the chest, and laid his finger against it.

“Western Aden? What do you want with Western Aden?”

Hani motioned him outside. They stood in the dark, watching a loudspeaker positioned on a building near the end of the street. Hidayat looked to Hani, who currently looked like a walking ball of counterculture, with a certain curiosity.

“Progress Report July 27th, 2015: Fourteenth has resumed communications with Thirteenth, and prospects of overruling the gates are beginning to look increasingly likely. Fourteenth has pitched all efforts onto securing a neurologically disabled boy named Saleh but, when asked, refused to disclose the reason.”

The loudspeaker continued, but that didn’t matter. Hidayat’s eyes widened. Saleh.

All Ends With Black | 03 | Flipping The Hourglass


#3

I like the way you write :smile:, I get enough for me to create a personally ideal version in my imagination and not too little for me to not be sure what to imagine - in terms of visuals. It seems very interesting to me but that might be because you keep talking about your books but i’ve never gotten around to read them.

Two things, I wouldn’t say “but he felt the sleep fade” but instead “he felt his desire to sleep fade”.

And that Saleh at the end, that should be in quotes right? 8~9/10

Edit: I know this thread says brutally honest but version of brutal actually has discretion and forethought. That being said I came back to mention a part I missed.

The awkward moment where Hani somehow places his finger on the map twice without taking it off the first time. That’s just a moving mistake though so I’m not changing my grade. Cause is more important than effect when judging these things.

herezz minezz, it’s my new prologue for AT:SoC

Many stories were passed down and throughout families. All of which was to explain why the earth is no longer as it used to be and why it was split into three. If one was to be blamed, there would be no way to discern an individual or a group of persons. The earth was split into three by greed itself. By something, they say, only humans could have done.

Welcome a world of Magic, Gods and Goddesses; a world where soul eating beasts roam the land. Mythical and never before seen beasts roam corners of Brostaros while feats. of man never fail to amaze, but our story doesn’t start there. It starts right here, in the backwaters of Ophisteros.

A little brown haired boy leads his blue haired friend up a grassy hill with a wide grin on his face “Come on Mickel, we gotta get home before your parents get mad!” he laughed.

Mickel straggled along breathlessly as his spiky hair blew in the wind, “I’m coming… ugh, why do you run so fast Logan?”

“I dunno, my mom said i’m just special, bleh!” He said as he turned his head, dragging an eyelid down and sticking his tongue out at his companion. “But don’t worry… I’ll slow down if you want me to.”

Logan gave his friend a mocking, cynical smile.

“No! Keep going… I’ll keep up i’ll show you!” Mickel sobbed, as he pushed his little legs even further.

Logan already knew what was happening “Are you crying again?” He asked as they shot down a steep portion of the hill. As the scenery scrolled down they were almost back to town now, you could tell by the broken trees from Logan’s failed tree-house attempts.

“Wait, Logan, mom said… to be careful… when we run around here” cautioned Mickel, his eyebrows arched upwards with a worried frown on his face.

The brown haired sprinter looked around to his friend, ignoring his warning, smiling as usual “Did you stop crying already? Thank goodness, you’re finally learning.”

“T-there’s nothing wrong with crying, my mom said real men aren’t afraid to cry…” he replied adamantly.

“… you know what Mickel?”

“What?..”

“I’m glad you’re my best friend…” he grinned.

“Logan… look out!” Shouted the blue haired boy as his friend came down on a big rock in the way.

But it was too late, before Logan could turn around his foot rammed into the rocks and tripped him, “Aghhh!”

“I told you to be careful!”

The little brunette tumbled and tumbled down the hill, being thrown up into the air occasionally as he rammed into other rocks, his friend ran desperately trying to somehow get to the bottom before him.

“Logan! Logan! I’ll help you… I can make it on time, I promise” he thought as he winced, running as fast as he could.

When the little brown haired boy arrived to the bottom he got thrown into the air one last time. As he fell he landed into the sharp splinter of a broken tree, impaling his chest. “Guh…”

“No!! Logan!” Shouted the other little boy, in his panic he too fell down, sliding to the bottom of the hill on his back.

As blood poured from his mouth Logan stared at the wood that impaled him, “… I’m… dying.”

Breathlessly Mickel ran up to the tree Logan perched upon. "Logan… " he cried as he fell to his dirty knees, “No it’s not real! This is a bad dream, it’s a bad dream! Please make it be a bad dream!”

Suddenly, a voice spoke to Logan as darkness whirled around his body and black tears ran from his eyes which now flashed between purple and marigold. He screamed so loudly from the pain it seemed as if his mouth would tear open, “AGHH!”

"Kill Everything! Kill Everyone!"

"KILL… KILL… KILL THEM! BEFORE THEY KILL US…"

… And so it began.


#4

@LxOxGxIxA Well, It’s always hard to point these things out, but it is the brutal thread, right?

I think it’s rather sloppily written. It’s lacking in grammar in some places and it mostly just tells, without showing. Just a warning, I don’t try to sugarcoat anything when I’m critiquing, so if you can’t take it then just take the 3/10 here and go.

Many stories were passed down and throughout families. All of which was to explain why the earth is no longer as it used to be and why it was split into three. If one was to be blamed, there would be no way to discern an individual or a group of persons. The earth was split into three by greed itself. By something, they say, only humans could have done.

Welcome a world of Magic, Gods and Goddesses; a world where soul eating beasts roam the land. Mythical and never before seen beasts roam corners of Brostaros while feats. of man never fail to amaze, but our story doesn’t start there. It starts right here, in the backwaters of Ophisteros.

Firstly, the first two paragraphs here are just pure infodump. There is no reason why that is there- it is from a completely different POV than the test of the section, and I recommend it be removed. That kind of information should be told subtly and throughout the entire story, in tiny pieces instead of just as one whole part. It is also generally not looked well upon an author who directly addresses their reader, outside of author’s notes.

A little brown haired boy leads his blue haired friend up a grassy hill with a wide grin on his face “Come on Mickel, we gotta get home before your parents get mad!” he laughed.

This sentence should be revised. The way that you describe these character’s appearances are not very well done, especially not as an opening line. The first line, or hook, must be an interesting line of text that draws a reader in. The job of keeping them there is left to the rest of the first chapter. If I read a book that started off by describing the MC’s hair color, I would put it down right away. Why? It’s not interesting. Everyone has hair. It’s not interesting. A much better opening would be to just skip to the part where Logan dies, as that is a much more action-filled moment and thus more likely to draw a reader in. It also has the plus-side of creating a small question at the very start- “why is he dying?”.

A common occurrence throughout this excerpt is you using their hair colors as the opening to pronouns. Stop that, hair is neither an interesting nor defining feature of a character. At least, it shouldn’t be.

The next part after that is an excellent part to build up a relation between the two characters. It seems to be tried but not well done. All we see is Logan being arrogant and bullying towards Mickel before he dies. There is no given reason why Logan suddenly calls Mickel his best friend after teasing him… to the point of crying? Delve into Mickel’s feeling more. As of now, we only get descriptions of what is happening, with no knowledge of what the characters are feeling. Yes, he’s crying, but why?

“Logan… look out!” Shouted the blue haired boy as his friend came down on a big rock in the way.

But it was too late, before Logan could turn around his foot rammed into the rocks and tripped him, “Aghhh!”

This part is way too sudden. Or, actually, it’s the opposite- it’s not sudden or shocking. It’s written in the same method that the previous more peaceful moments were. Instead, this part should be written as if were an action scene, because you want the reader to go like “oh no, is he going to die?” After that is a great moment to build tension- have the narrative flash repeatedly back to Logan falling and Mickel rushing to save him. Make it close, but have Logan fall into the branch and die right in front Mickel- this will create a feeling of guilt, like “I could have saved him if I could only run faster.” This will, obviously, be a great motivator for his future actions.

As blood poured from his mouth Logan stared at the wood that impaled him, *“… I’m… dying.”*

Breathlessly Mickel ran up to the tree Logan perched upon. "Logan… " he cried as he fell to his dirty knees, “No it’s not real! This is a bad dream, it’s a bad dream! Please make it be a bad dream!”

Not very realistic reactions to Logan’s death. Logan, for one, should have more thoughts than just an, oh, “I’m… dying…”

He should be panicking. Screaming and thrashing and all, maybe crying (to further the effect of Mickel’s previous statement that people shouldn’t be afraid to cry. Logan has a very peaceful reaction to a sudden death, which he didn’t know was coming. Change that.

Mickel, on the other hand, reacted way too quickly. As he is still a little child, he should have a hard time comprehending it at first, but then break down as he realizes the reality of death and its impact. Unless he has seen death several times before (and how young he is, but this is less relevant), he should be frozen to the spot for a few moments, and then attempt to wake Logan up to no avail. Proceed to cry into his dead body, etc etc.

… And so it began.

This is generally the sort of thing that writers should avoid, right up there with “Little did he know…”. Remove it.

Sorry if I’ve sounded rude or mean. It wasn’t my intention, this is just my way of critique.


#5

From "Between Ash and Sunlight"

From the dragon's maw billowed out another torrent of fiery disaster, another deadly attack that Christos was just barely able to avoid. His jeweled sword glinted, and another chink in the wall of scales was broken.

The hard piece of the dragon’s skin fell to the floor. It was at least the size of a grown man’s body, but the beast’s massive body made it look like just a pebble, small and insignificant. From out of nowhere, one of the monster’s twin tails flew past his face, just short of decapitating him. Christos jumped away in alarm, but not before collecting all the energy he could into the pommel of his blade, smashing it into the dragon’s exposed flesh. It let out a terrible screech, from pain or anger he didn’t know, and slammed both of its spiked tails into the ground. The near-indestructible material that forged the Palace cracked, and jagged shards of it flew around into the air, spurred by the churning winds of the beast’s four raging wings. A wave of dust billowed into the air, obscuring everything from view.

He couldn’t go on like this. Christos’s body would eventually give away, already at the limit of itself. This dragon, the Enchantress’s prize treasure… it was simply too large. Too big of an obstacle for his weakened body to surpass.

Christos landed on the ground with a wince and immediately swirled around to face his towering opponent. From the ground, the dragon looked so much more fearsome- especially so in the midst of a cloak of swirling debris. Its dull, white eyes met with his living ones, and for a second neither of them moved. Or was it because Christos was frozen to his place?

He hadn’t noticed before, but he was shaking. It was just a small tremble, but it was enough for Christos to finally realize the state he was in- he was panting heavily, as if he was tired and out of breath, and his heart was beating faster than it had ever before. And, again for the first time in his life, he was scared.


#6

It’s literally a prologued introduction, the first parts won’t be changed. Tense errors though, will be.

You call it info dump, that’s literally why it’s there. There’s enough things to find out starting at chapter one.

I give descriptions of their hair so that the reader can have some vague imagery in their minds, the actual description of Logan is given in chapter one.

Having a hook in the prologue… :thinking: never occurred to me.

I can’t skip to Logan dying that doesn’t achieve my goal at all, which is to show a scene of Mickel and Logan being friends and also a moment to imply certain information when met with other pieces in the first several chapters.

You expect every pronoun to be interesting huh, that’s impossible XD

Mickel cries coz he’s a crybaby lol.

I do agree about the transition into falling though, I should make it more distinct. Actually since this is anime inspired I do use certain common mainstream means for my ends. I guess you don’t have that experience though.

Tell me though Bubbulze, have you ever been dying to know? I have seen people die… With such an extensive injury in that location and the battering on the way down it’s most likely that he cannot move. So you can’t say he said the wrong things as he approached death, I would find thrashing rather fake and unrealistic in this situation.

Mickel’s reaction I agree is pretty broken, It’s rather rushed.

I’m might not remove that actually, it’s impossible to say everything in a way noone has said it before. Cliches have their places, It’s up to you as a writer.


#7

Your pronouns are very limited, it’s either He or Christos. His name isn’t very interesting though is it…

Tbh I think you could do this yourself, pretend it was someone else’s then you can find all those errors.

Pus i don’t have excerpt right now anyway :shrug: So I’d just break the flow.

My one big comment though, is that I have no idea what he’s doing because it’s almost entirely left up to guess. I’m not sure if what I, the reader, thinks is happening is actually happening. Having to go back and read a sentence twice because of ambiguity sucks.

As a reader, I didn’t come to solve a context mystery every few seconds. I’ll let someone else be more extensive though :zzz:

EDIT: Well I guess I AM able to post ‘another excerpt’ at the moment, to make my review official I will add that there are times for showing, times for telling,and times for both. You seem obsessed with removing the telling without realizing that there is a balance between the two. That’s what this lacks, that balance.

Mai Prologue AGEN REEE

Many stories were passed down and throughout families. All of which was to explain why the earth is no longer as it used to be and why it was split into three. If one was to be blamed, there would be no way to discern an individual or a group of persons. The earth was split into three by greed itself. By something, they say, only humans could have done.

Welcome a world of Magic, Gods and Goddesses; a world where soul eating beasts roam the land. Mythical and never before seen beasts roam corners of Brostaros while feats. of man never fail to amaze, but our story doesn’t start there. It starts right… here, in the backwaters of Ophisteros.

~+~+~

A silky-brown haired boy lead his friend up a grassy hill with a wide grin on his face and light feet, his eyes sought for nothing but mischief and freedom. “Come on Mickel, we gotta get home before your parents get mad!” he laughed.

Mickel straggled along breathlessly as his spiky blue hair blew in the wind, “I’m coming… ugh, why do you run so fast Logan?”

“I dunno, my mom said i’m just special, bleh!” He said as he turned his head, dragging an eyelid down and sticking his tongue out at his companion. “But don’t worry… I’ll slow down if you want me to.”

Logan gave his friend a mocking, cynical smile.

“No! Keep going… I’ll keep up i’ll s-show you!” Mickel sobbed, as he pushed his little legs even further.

Logan already knew what was happening “Are you crying again?” He asked as they shot down a steep portion of the hill. As the scenery scrolled down they were almost back to town now, you could tell by the broken trees from Logan’s failed tree-house attempts.

“Wait, Logan, mom said… to be careful… when we run around here” cautioned Mickel, his eyebrows arched upwards with a worried frown on his face.

The brown haired sprinter looked around to his friend, ignoring his warning, smiling as usual “Did you stop crying already? Thank goodness, you’re finally learning.”

“T-there’s nothing wrong with crying, my mom said real men aren’t afraid to cry…” he replied adamantly.

“… you know what Mickel?”

“What?..”

“I’m glad you’re my best friend…” he grinned.

The easily upset boy locked into his friend’s smile as they ran, wondering how they even became friends in the first place.

“Gah!”

In his distraction a large rock had been rammed into by Logan’s foot and sent the boy tumbling down the hill at an alarming speed.

“Logan!” Mickel shouted, trying to get close enough to somehow stop his fall.

But it was too late, his speed would only increase as the hill steepened. His body slammed repeatedly into the ground and other rocks, “Aghhh!”

The blue haired boy screamed out, worried to death over his friend. “I told you to be careful!”

The little brunette tumbled and tumbled down the hill, being thrown up into the air occasionally as he rammed into other rocks, his friend ran desperately trying to somehow get to the bottom before him.

“Logan! Logan! I’ll help you… I can make it on time, I promise” he thought as he winced, running as fast as he could.

When he arrived to the bottom he got thrown into the air one last time. As he fell he landed into the sharp splinter of a broken tree, impaling his chest.

“Guh…” the sound of gagging on own insides gargled the outburst.

“No!! Logan!” Shouted the other little boy, in his panic he too fell down, sliding to the bottom of the hill on his back.

As blood poured from his mouth Logan stared at the wood that impaled him, “… I’m… d-dying.”

Breathlessly Mickel ran up to the tree Logan perched upon, slowing down as he did. "Logan… ", he said, his trembling hands reached for him but stopped abruptly.

Suddenly, a voice spoke to Logan as darkness whirled around his body and black tears ran from his eyes which now flashed between purple and marigold. He screamed so loudly from the pain it seemed as if his mouth would tear open, “AGHH!”

Mickel stared blankly with his widened eyes as he fell to his dirty knees and his forehead met his hands, “No… i-it’s not real!”

"Kill Everything! Kill Everyone!"

“T-t-this is a b-bad dream, it’s a bad dream!” He winced.

"KILL… KILL… KILL THEM! BEFORE THEY KILL US…"

“Please m-m-make it be a b-bad dream…”

In that moment when every light faded to nothing, Logan’s golden eyes turned to Mickel.


#8

First off, the beginning of your story seems highly disconnected from everything else. It’s a different POV, different voice, etc. Plus, it’s kind of a lengthy description that seems to have no immediate impact on the story.

Second, you use a lot of heavy description. “The small brunette, silky brown hair,” which a few times for reference is alright, but your text is heavy with them and it slows it down in places. Also, you use descriptions sometimes to refer to a character, which kinda threw me off as I didn’t have a great picture in my head initially of who was who at the beginning. (now if this part of the story is later on and you’ve established descriptions earlier that’s fine)

Also, I kept stumbling over the name Mickel. At first I wanted to think Michael, then I wanted to think Mickl, and it kept tripping me up the first few times I read it. It seems like you were going for a fantasy feel, but the name is kinda hard to get down without some practice and thought and it slowed me down a lot.

Also, there were parts of the story where you did something I tend to do as well, and that’s use extra little words when you don’t need them and making sentences complex or adding in things that don’t make a ton of sense. For example, your line, “He screamed so loudly from the pain it seemed as if his mouth would tear open.” At first he seems to be screaming from the pain, but if you read it closely he’s screaming and he’s in pain from screaming. I think it could be worded better, in my opinion.

Lastly, I see that you used expressions like “Aghh” and “gah” but some of them simply didn’t seem to fit or didn’t have any kind of context given until after them which made me kind of wonder how they were supposed to be said or wondering why someone would say that.

Overall, it was a little intriguing, but I got kinda confused on some parts, and I struggled with the name Mickle for a while. My last critique is that everything happened really fast, which isn’t bad, but closer to the end it was hard to track what was going on and what was really happening.

Excerpt from Prologue to Human

Asleep. They were all simply asleep. At least that’s what I told myself as I walked down the empty street. I knew they weren’t dead. Not in the normal sense at least. They breathed. They moved. Their brains still worked. They were just trapped, in another world. A better world. They could live content and unaware there. Oblivious. Oblivion. Completely unaware as their planet slowly degraded. It was better that way. Wasn’t it?

I allowed myself to veer off course. The Mind couldn’t see through my eyes anymore. Not since I had changed. Not since the human.

There she was, sitting in the same chair I found her in.

I forget sometimes that I’m not human. Often, I have to remind myself before I reach out and caress her tangled hair again. I know I won’t feel much, beyond the cold analysis that my sensors give me. If only I could be human. I know I shouldn’t wish the evil of flesh upon myself, but if I could just touch her…feel her skin like the other humans can. I know how and what they feel. I can connect to their emotions, but I cannot feel them myself.

I began to drop my hand back to my side, but I paused, my fingers resting on the cool glass of her digital headset. Glass built in the same shape of my featureless face, with a million tiny lights dancing inside of it, keeping humanity happy. Briefly, I lift the visor. She’s smiling. She’s happy…or, is she? Can happiness truly leave a being oblivious? Or is it oblivion that instead breeds bliss?

I begin to lower the visor again, but my fingers lock, refusing to move. I’ve never had this sensation before. What I know to do, and what I want to do are in conflict. My body will not respond for a moment as if a servo motor had stopped working. But then, I find myself lifting the visor away from her face, removing the lifeline of bliss that’s supposed to save her. What am I doing? I’m not sure anymore, but something inside my matrix is sparking, informing me that I’m doing the right thing. I’m saving her, not this visor. Then, I’ve removed the visor. Lifted away from her skin, the wires dangle lifelessly around her head. Her eyelids flutter.

She’s waking up.


#9

@LxOxGxIxA Again, don’t come here if you can’t take “brutal” responses. I point out what I think needs to be changed. No need to get defensive about it. If you aren’t open to critiquers tearing your piece apart with their opinions, don’t ask for them.

Since I found your review rather lacking, I’ll just review the next excerpt and repost mine. Please take it as a request from me not to critique mine again, or at least add more/be less vague with your response.


#10

Yep, i got pace issues. Also his name is a normal name where I am from lol, just think Michelle with a k sound.


#11

Um, it’s pretty trademark for me to respond to responses, I’ve done so ever since I started using this thread. I’m not sure what your problem is but there’s enough information there for any intelligent person to work with. Please don’t make this into some childish squabble, just take the review, it has nothing to do with me whether you repost it or not.

I myself repost quite often, the best advice is advice you use in self reflection. I do things differently from you it’s not a reason to complain.

But either way I gave you a review fitting for what you posted, have some respect for it, just like I respected yours(took it into serious consideration).


#12

I did not say anything about your responding to my response. That in itself is fine, even I drop by to leave a “thank you” or explanation every now and then if I found the critique helpful. However, you are very, very defensive. It is possible for me to elaborate, if you want.

I don’t expect every pronoun to be interesting. As you noticed, I generally tend to stick with the plain old he/she/they, as well as the character’s name here and there. But anything other than that does certainly need to be a defining trait of the character, and the excessive use of hair as a pronoun is, indeed, a poor pronoun according to what I know about writing.

I cannot tell if your statement about the hook was sarcastic or not.

And I have not seen or experienced scenarios in relation to death. You have, and I’m sorry for that, but that doesn’t have to do with this. I agree that moving about is rather unrealistic with a wound through the chest, but my other statements still stand.

“His name isn’t very interesting though is it…” What does this mean? A name is not a pronoun, it’s a noun.

I’m here because it’s basically impossible for me to look past my own writer’s bias. I imagine that’s why you’re here as well, no? Otherwise, none of us would need to have editors, beta readers, etc etc.

Please elaborate/specify on which parts you thought were vague. There is no need to be so hostile.


#13

@Ghostly_Girl In general, I don’t find this to be a bad piece, but it isn’t excellent either. I assume that this is clearer with more context, but so far I think it’s extremely vague as to what is happening. All I really got from the excerpt is this: MC is walking down a street. They see sleeping (unconscious?) people who are in a better world (dreams?). MC notices a girl who’s sitting in a chair- she holds some sort of significance, I would assume.

I feel like the part about the girl is a little too descriptive, or word-fancy perhaps. Not exactly purple prose, but to my limited understanding of it, they might come close. The last three paragraphs don’t keep my attention for long, and I feel like too many questions are being raised- at least to me, every other sentence or so brings up a new, small mystery for me to solve. I don’t assume that this is the intention, because then the reader’s attention would be sidetracked from the writing too much.

(I’m very tired currently, so I apologize for the short/maybe unhelpful review).


#14

From "Between Ash and Sunlight"

Christos always woke up calmly, but this time he did not. A thin layer of sweat covered his body, his heart was racing like the end was nigh, and his shaking breath came out in short huffs that were bigger than he had intended.

A still-trembling hand rose to cover his forehead, pushing back a few uncomfortable strands of hair. He let out a small breath, a visible cloud of fog in the chilly air, parting his lips just a small distance apart. Relief… was it? It felt good, nothing he could have imagined before.

Now, do you see?

Crag Draco’s voice rang in his head, though she never really spoke those words.

You are a danger, and must die.

Christos inched his heavy eyes open, and was slightly taken aback by what he saw. Instead of the year-round spring that adorned every hill and valley of Biat, this world was covered in snow.

He had never seen real snow before. It didn’t snow in Legionary Biat, and the only mention of the subject was from old history texts which he didn’t bother to read. The only time he had ever seen it was from the spells of the Consular, and very rare even then.

Removing himself from the thick blanket that laid over him, Christos stepped out from the half-tent and into the winter from where he had only been told stories of.

The snow was soft on his bare feet, and cold. It sent shivers up his spine, but in a pleasant way.

“Hey,” came a voice from above. “You’ll catch a cold if you stand in the snow like that.”


#15

I definitely need to work on the description of the girl then to make it less wordy (tis my weakness XD). I’ll look at the vaugeness and see what I can do. Could you point out to me some of the things you though were too vauge?

Could you point out to me which parts of the story brought up distracting questions as well? I may need to go in and edit those parts, although some questions are intentional.

Thank you!


#16

First off, I know we’re supposed to be brutally honest so I’m going to point out the things I loved from this.

  1. I loved that you used a voice from the past to give us information in a sort of vauge dreamy way. It wasn’t too direct and it really added depth to your writing.

  2. I like your opening line. I can’t say it’s a super great hook, but it alludes to things being different and paired with the second line I’d still stay it’s a strong opening.

  3. You had great pacing. Nothing was rushed. I got the information I needed, but it wasn’t forced at me and I didn’t have to sleep through long paragraphs. Great job on that.

Now onto the rest of my review…

I will admit that the phrases “like the end was nigh” and “short huffs that were bigger than he intended” those wounded wordy to me and I think they could easily be made more concise.

I was a little confused later one when you said he inched his eyes open because I did kind of assume that in waking up he had opened his eyes. I might suggest you put something closer to the beginning alluding to or simply saying that his eyes were still closed.

Other than that, I can’t find anything else really stellar or that really needs to be address. It was a well written passage in my opinion, it could just use a few small edits! :slight_smile:

I’m gonna try my hand at this again with a different passage, still from the Prologue of Human (it’s a bit long so I can’t post the whole thing)

I throw the visor away, no longer processing fully, only doing. Her eyes open slowly and gaze up at me. I can see images in her eyes. Emotions instead of dancing lights.

Fear.

Her mouth is open. She is screaming and then she is on her feet, shoving at me as she runs . I stagger and turn. My feet follow after her as she runs to the kitchen and looks for something, anything, then turns to me with a look of wild terror. Calmly, I hold up my hands in surrender.

She pauses, then sinks to her knees and pitches forward. I move closer and watch as she hacks up mucus that has built up in her throat. Again, I step closer, tempted once more to touch her silky hair, but she does not seem in the mood for such actions. I believe she is tired, for there are now dark bags gathering under her eyes and she has not yet stood up. Quietly, I offer my hand. Her clear eyes turn upwards, scanning my hand as if searching for danger. Slowly, her eyes drift up to my face and study it a moment with an inbred curiosity hidden in her eyes, but she says nothing. Finally, she lifts one delicate hand and places it in mine. I carefully help her up. Humans are delicate beings, not made of metal and steel as I am, but rather flesh that can be easily torn, and bones that can be too easily broken. Again, her eyes drift to my face. They are more trusting now, and firmer, reinforced by her relaxed features and gentle grip on my hand.

"Do you know where I am?"

(for context, this picks up at the tail end of my last passage I posted here :blush:)


#17

I only brought up stuff I really thought was important, an example of being vague is…

His jeweled sword glinted, and another chink in the wall of scales was broken. What happens here was neither said or show, but implied, I know he somehow cut off one of it’s scales. But the somehow is the problem, I can’t see the action, It doesn’t feel like an epic battle it feels like an exciting experience. Almost as if it’s not really happening - like a dream.

Also… I am actually being very nice by my standards.


#18

Alright, thanks for the example.

I did not see that as a “nice” response. It was, as I stated before, very defensive and many of the points seemed to be directed at me personally rather than my writing.


#19

I’ll keep re-posting my excerpt until I feel it’s good enough of a grade that it gets.

My review of yours is… well, oh my 4/10. It starts off with really bad flow, actions were simply listed incoherently and unnaturally. and I was lost at “Fear.”

So from the top, you say she is no longer processing, only doing. But her actions further on, and rather immediately are very well thought out.

She see’s emotions instead of dancing lights? What is this visual really? I don’t see anything in my mind from this.

I’m lost at Fear but surely that has something to do with the previous mention so i’ll pass that for now.

This is where the action listing occurs, everything happens so fast, even though after reading it twice or so I think I’m clear on what does happen. but the sequence is too fast.

Thing’s were going well after that until, “with an inbred curiosity hidden in her eyes” it’s not hidden at all, the MC clearly notices it and you also make it obvious to the reader so it seems very out of place.

This paragraph is too long so you should find topical/themic ways to separate it into perhaps two. for example one paragraph for “she suffers from stasis” and another for “she becomes more comfortable”.

Like I said, 4/10. hopefully i’m not being biased from my disliking of first person present tense ^.^

Many stories were passed down and throughout families. All of which was to explain why the earth is no longer as it used to be and why it was split into three. If one was to be blamed, there would be no way to discern an individual or a group of persons. The earth was split into three by greed itself. By something, they say, only humans could have done.

Welcome to a world of Magic, Gods and Goddesses; a world where soul eating beasts terrorize the land. Mythical and never before seen beasts roam corners of Brostaros while feats of man prevail to amaze, But our story doesn’t start there. Logan’s story begins right… here, in the backwaters of Ophisteros.

~+~+~

A silky-brown haired boy lead his friend up a grassy hill with light feet and a wide grin on his face, his eyes sought for nothing but mischief and freedom. “Come on Mickel, we gotta get home before your parents get mad!” he laughed.

Mickel straggled along breathlessly as his spiky blue hair blew in the wind, and he winced his azure eyes. “I’m coming… ugh, why do you have to run so fast Logan?”

“I dunno, my mom said i’m just special , bleh!” He said as he turned his head, dragging an eyelid down and sticking his tongue out at his companion. “But don’t worry… I’ll slow down if you want me to.”

Logan raised his bushy brows and gave his friend a mocking, cynical smile.

“No… Keep going… I’ll keep up i’ll s-show you!” Mickel sobbed, as he pushed his little legs even further.

Logan already knew what was happening “Are you crying again?” He asked as they shot down a steep portion of the hill. As the scenery scrolled down they were almost back to town now, the trees nearby were broken and shattered somehow.

“Wait, Logan, mom said… to be careful… when we run around here,” huffed Mickel, his eyebrows arched upwards with a worried frown on his face. “The stuff you leave behind … whenever you try to build a tree house… they’re dangerous to play around!”

The brown haired sprinter looked around to his friend, ignoring his warning, smiling as usual “Did you stop crying already? Thank goodness, you’re finally learning.”

“T-there’s nothing wrong with crying, my mom said real men aren’t afraid to cry…” he replied adamantly.

“… you know what Mickel?”

“What?..”

“I’m glad you’re my best friend…” he grinned.

The easily upset boy locked into his friend’s smile as they ran, wondering how they even became friends in the first place.

Suddenly Logan’s feet flew off the ground as he spun over into the air, in his distraction a large rock had caught onto his foot and sent him tumbling down the hill.

“Logan, you have to stop rolling!” Mickel shouted, trying to get close enough to somehow stop his fall. The boy tried but his friend’s speed would only increase as the hill steepened.

“I… can’t!” He shouted, unable to do anything about it. “Mickel… help me!”

The blue haired boy angrily shouted out, worried to death over his friend. “I told you to be careful!”

The little brunette tumbled and tumbled down the hill, being thrown up into the air occasionally as he rammed into other rocks, his friend ran desperately trying to somehow get to the bottom before him.

“Logan! I’ll help you… I can make it on time, I promise” he thought as he winced, running as fast as he could. His efforts began to pay off as he approached his friend and held out his hand, “Grab on to me quick!”

“I’m… trying,” Logan shouted, trying to somehow latch onto his friends fingers. They reached towards each other as the environment became nothing but a blur, but they simply slipped away.

Once more Logan rammed into a boulder and was flung into the air, and as he fell he landed into the sharp splinter of a broken tree, impaling his chest. The wood cracked, twisting on the weight that just slammed into it.

The little brunette attempted to scream in pain… but the sound of gagging on own insides gargled the outburst. “Guh!..”

“No!! Logan!” Shouted the other little boy, in his panic he too fell down, sliding to the bottom of the hill on his back.

As blood poured from his mouth Logan stared at the wood that impaled him, “… I’m… d-dying.”

Breathlessly Mickel ran up to the tree Logan perched upon, slowing down as he did. "Logan… ", he said, his trembling hands reached for him but stopped abruptly. He was afraid to touch him.

Suddenly, a voice spoke to Logan as darkness whirled around his body and black tears ran from his eyes which now flashed between purple and marigold. He screamed so loudly from the pain it seemed as if his mouth would tear open, “AGHH!”

Mickel stared blankly with his widened eyes as he fell to his dirty knees and his forehead met his hands, “No… i-it’s not real!”

"Kill Everything! Kill Everyone!"

“T-t-this is a b-bad dream, it’s a bad dream!” He winced.

"KILL… KILL… KILL THEM! BEFORE THEY KILL US…"

“Please m-m-make it be a b-bad dream…”

In that moment, every light faded to nothing, and Logan’s golden eyes turned slowly to Mickel.


#20

Some of them were I was making reference jokes - mocking you in some way or another - It’s just what I doesss :man_shrugging:

Nothing to worry about, just a passing whim. I suggest you get used to it though, I’m brutally discretion-less when I start mocking people. So don’t call the cops on me or anything :eyes: