The alarm sounded on his face. It morphs from 0 to 100 and his legs ran out of dodge.
As soon as Reid jerked up, Caspar lunged forward and snatched his wrist. He yanked free and Caspar jumped again. He pulled down on the tux until the fabric dug into his palm, forcing the agent to lie down. Now he’s on top, wrestling to keep hold.
So at first I was confused because you put it morhps, so I thought you were writing in present tense. Also, can an alarm actually sound on your face? So the alarm morphs from 0-100? I think I would rewrite the first sentence (tweak it a bit) so that it makes a bit more sense.
I’m actually kind of wondering about the setting here, I think he’s in an office? I think you can add small details (if it is an office) such as he jumped over the chair / slammed the agent on the desk, wrestling to keep hold of him Now he was on top. As for the pronouns, I got a bit confused here. The agent was now on top, right? Or was it Casper? I do like how you added that detail of what the agent was wearing without making me distracted!
I do think you can rewrite a bit more to keep the tension. I probably won’t be good but maybe something like: As soon as Reid jerked up, Casper lunged forward and snatched his wrist. He pulled down on the tux until the fabric dug into his palm, and slammed the agent down on the desk. I don’t know about the agent yanking his wrist away, because I feel like it lessens the tension, but it’s up to you! I can’t write fight scenes either haha.
“Agent–” he managed while restraining with bone white knuckles. “–please! Listen to me!”
I do love the additional information about Caspar’s white knuckles, but I feel like the “while” kind of cuts the tension. Maybe: “Agent–” he managed, knuckles turning white, “–please! Listen to me!” Or something along those lines, gah, action scenes are so hard!
Strong fingers grabbed his forearm and Reid rolled. They drop to the floor and Caspar grunted, accidentally knocking himself into the coffee table. His hands slipped away from holding Reid in place, who elbowed his ribs and stood.
They’re at a coffee shop! Well, I think. Maybe the agent just has a coffee table, cause he seems pretty rich. I’d probably use dropped instead of drop, since you seem to write in past tense. As for the action, woah, it’s rising real quick! Caspar seems really determined, but he doesn’t want to hurt Reid. Hm, I’m wondering if they knew each other, but then something happened. I’m intrigued.
A second try. He pounced again. But Reid slammed him against the side of the kitchen island. His spine curled in throbbing pain. Caspar swiveled. He brought the agent with him by the lapel and shoved him back. Elbow’s insides felt sinking and he gripped the countertop to get rid of the numbness.
Reid turned his back and reached for something. There’s scratch of metal and he spun to fight brandishing a gleaming knife.
OF COURSE THEY’RE IN A KITCHEN, GAH. I kind of got confused in this scene. I feel like they’re both… stuck? Or the agent is? But then Reid turns his back and gets a knife. Which is weird, because there wasn’t a knife, and knowing Caspar, he would pounce at the change while the agent gets a knife. Well you didn’t describe the knife, so maybe there was a knife, directly behind him, and Caspar goes, why didn’t I notice a knife there? I don’t really recall the agent pining Caspar down again, so I would probably add that too.
Before Caspar could think about what he’s about to do, he threw himself at the armed man. He wasn’t bothered to avoid the blade and it sliced his skin. They burned.
I think Caspar did it somehow knowing, (something along those lines), instead of not knowing what he’s doing, cause that makes it sound like he’s possessed. So maybe: Caspar threw himself at the armed man as the blade sliced his skin. I would then add something like he hissed, etc but I don’t know if burned would work, since he didn’t exactly walk into a fire.
He delivered a sharp jab to the shoulder and went limp. Giving into this energy, he could see himself through Reid. His body hunched over, as if he was hanging on his shoulders. Rays of light are coming from his gaze.
Fingers dropped the weapon and a shoe kicking it near Caspar’s feet. When he spoke, so did Reid. A collective.
Reid stopped struggling. There was a small shiver in the agent’s body. His inner voice silent.
So I’m actually kind of confused. Caspar has powers, right? I think so, because he seems like he went into Reid’s mind and was Reid? But then you say Reid’s struggling, and I don’t really know. I think you could explain this a little more, to clarify. He delivered a sharp jab to Reid’s shoulder and went limp. And what energy, exactly? Does he know he has these powers? If he knows, and they’re Caspar’s, I would probably use a pronoun. So in the sentence rays of light, is it Caspar or Reid? I feel like since he could see himself, it would be Reid? I would probably remove the sentence altogether though, since it doesn’t really show much to me.
Fingers dropped the weapon and a shoe kicked it near Caspar’s feet.
Moving on to Reid, and how he stopped struggling. What was he struggling, exactly? I think the Freak! You freak! was from Reid, and he gave up. So therefore his thoughts went silent and Caspar returned to his own body, right? So he was struggling for control. I would probably add a sentence or two of how Caspar felt. Like did he feel Reid struggling to take control? How did Caspar feel? Did he desperately want out of Reid’s body, because he didn’t know how to take control of his own powers? What triggers it?
“I don’t care why you’re here.” he said, this time aware to keep their tones low. “Go back to Coeus. Don’t bother us anymore. Do you understand?”
“I don’t care why you’re here,” Caspar said, keeping his tone low.
I would also probably italicize Reid replying and his thoughts, even above, since it gets a little confusing. Or I would put, Reid replied, etc.
Reid eyed the door- no, he’s rushing to the knife. The hand’s close proximity made him take several steps away, when the sofa pushed back against him.
OH NO HE RUSHED TO THE KNIFE INSTEAD. Hm, so Caspar can control these powers, interesting. So the knife would be on the ground. So he dives down? I mean, Caspar did take a few steps back. I got confused right after the knife sentence. Did Caspar cut him off, so Reid took a couple steps back? I would clarify.
Reid took a couple steps back, towards the door–nope. In a split second, he dived to grab the knife…
Overall: 6.5/10. I do think that there wasn’t much tension, but with a few adjustments, you could give me goosebumps! You do have a few mysteries popping up, especially with Coeus, and I would love to know what’s going on. Caspar’s powers was another interesting scene, one that gave me shivers for sure. I feel like Reid’s the bad guy, especially with how Caspar talked to him at first, pleading. But then near the end, Reid turns out to be a victim? My only theory is that Caspar works for Coeus and if he doesn’t do this mission or something, his friends/family will get hurt? I think Reid ran away for Coeus too, but who knows, I could be wrong.
I would probably remove the alarm part. I mean, I was expecting a bunch of other agents to come and retrieve Caspar, but I guess I was wrong. And the kitchen, I would probably move hints a bit up. I did say desk up top, but I would use that he jumped over the counter or something, so we don’t get confused.
What I did like was that you didn’t include much details. Sure, you might need a little more, but if you used too much details, that could be a problem. In this short scene, I got a grasp of Caspar’s character, and your hints kept me going (and intrigued.) Hope this helped!