Brutally Honest Reviews | 03 | Extract Edition | READ THE FIRST POST BEFORE POSTING

feedback-offered
critiques

#61

For the first thing, I think the literary device is called a caesura; a pause in the middle of smth. There are also other reasons but anyhow, that one definitely stays that way.

Yeah that one is also strange but I re-checked this particular work at least a dozen times and I decided it would stay that way so it must’ve been because I really couldn’t find a better thing to sub it with — same goes for the other two points actually.

The molten chaos one; I know possibly no one has used that combination and my English teacher suggested I should find a better word but I don’t think there is any other thing that describes it that well. I guess I also like to take risks with my own writing.

I don’t think I’d change anything even if I were to redo the work another time… I’d just want to add some other details to smooth things out more. I couldn’t do that in this version because I also had a word limit of 800, 850 tops. Last time I checked, this one was 849 words cx

But thanks for the honest opinion.


#62

Jason lived in a city but tonight it was strangely quiet. He’d just gotten off work not two minutes ago, and when he’d served his last customer, he could see through the glass windows of the coffee shop the streets were packed with cars.

Now, he was walking down the dark deserted street on his way to his apartment complex vaguely unnerved as he passed by an alleyway. That’s why it gave him such a start when a man dressed head to toe in purple in white jumped into his path from the alleyway.

The man exclaimed, “Wait! There’s not much time. You must come with me at once!”

Jason’s eyes widened in fear and surprise. His eyes quickly processed every detail in the man’s appearance. The man was pale, like paper white, and he was wearing a white fedora while sporting a pair of dark sunglasses. Sunglasses in the middle of the night? Jason wondered.

What was most peculiar though was the excessive amount of purple in this man’s outfit. He was wearing a dark purple suit with a dark purple tie and a lavender colored button-up underneath. So much purple.

In the man’s right hand, he had a pocket watch. Jason couldn’t believe some people still thought carrying a pocket watch around like they were in the Victorian era was cool. It was pretentious is what it was.

The man clicked it open. “9:35! Only five more minutes!”

Jason gave Mr. Too Cool for the 21st Century a bewildered look. “Uh, I think you’ve had a little too much to drink or something. Get home safely. I’ll just keep going on my way now.”

Jason rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably as he tried to sidestep the man. Unfortunately, Mr. Pretentious simply lunged to the side and grabbed his shoulders shouting, “No!”

Jason’s eyes widened as it dawned on him this man might be more dangerous than he had initially anticipated.

“Please, just come with me. I can’t be late. The loon won’t hurt me if I bring another player!”

Player? What was this guy on? Jason thought.

Jason didn’t know what to do. This man was definitely strange, and possibly severely intoxicated or high, but something about him told Jason he wasn’t just a random bum.

Jason sighed in surrender. “Fine.”

“Thank you, sir!”

With that, the weird man began guiding Jason through the alleyway he had appeared from.


#63

To do… or not to do…


#64

You didn’t have to say Jason lived in the city. If he was already in the city, the reader would assume that’s where he is and probably where he lived. When you wrote, “when he’d served his last customer, he could see through the glass windows” it implied Jason couldn’t see through the window before. And afterwards is the description “packed with cars” (a traffic jam) seem to conflict the earlier quiet statement. Unless it’s packed with parked cars or time has stopped (I’m just guessing, your extract has an otherworldly vibe to it), best to specify.

Rewrite: The city was strangely quiet tonight. No honking. No background chatter drilling into his temples. Jason had gotten off work not two minutes ago. And when he’d served his last customer, he saw the streets outside packed with cars.

Here we also have some filler words and weak descriptions. “Now” feels redundant because the story is in past tense so it shouldn’t work. You should describe him actually leaving to get the paragraph flow from the inside of the cafe to walking home or use voice like what he’s thinking about the packed cars or unnerving silence. I don’t see why you use “was walking” when you could simply say “walked”. You’re also telling here when you could show far better.

Rewrite: After he closed the door behind him and a glance to the silent road, Jason walked down the dark deserted footpath back to his apartment complex. A shiver ran up his spine as he passed by an alleyway. He almost yelped when a man dressed head to toe in purple emerged from the shadows and jumped in his way.

Fear and surprise doesn’t add to the strong verb. Instead of saying he quickly processed every detail, just show every detail. I don’t think the italics is necessary, but that’s arguably part of an author’s style so I’ll leave it alone.

This is also a very passive description, make it active by tying it into the real world or adding extra depth to the adjectives you use.

Rewrite: His eyes widened. The man was paper white pale, wearing his white fedora low and sporting a pair of sunglasses (at night?). His lavender button-up was slightly crinkled underneath a matching dark purple suit and tie, flapping in the gentle breeze.

Is it important for us to know the time because it just sounded shoehorned in there. Even so, stranger guy wouldn’t want to waste that time mentioning the time and just focus on convincing our protagonist. Jason on the other hand sounds bland and robotic. For someone who wants to get out of there, that’s a lot of words.

Rewrite: In the man’s hand was a pocket watch. […]

The man clicked it open. “We only have five minutes. Hurry, we must travel with haste.”

Jason gave Mr. Too Cool for the 21st Century a bewildered look. “Hey buddy, I think you’ve had a little too much to drink or something. Why don’t you get home safely?”

You’ve already used eyes widened, so you need a fresher verb/reaction. If Jason realizes stranger guy is dangerous, wouldn’t you think he’d start runnning? Also “the loon” implies Jason knows loon person, “that loon” is a much better fit.

Rewrite: Jason stepped back, his body stiff. […]

“[…] That loon won’t hurt me if I bring another player!”

The rest of the extract is anticlimatic to the tension and conflict you’ve built. I’d rather see the protagonist forcefully being taken that comply to a strange man ala Alice in Wonderland’s Rabbit but that’s just me.

Overall I give it a 5/10-- here’s a summary.

The scene wasn’t boring and I didn’t skim it on my first read through. What little tension there was was present but I think it could be better. Description should be stronger, show don’t tell and cut down on redundant words. You should use more variety in vocabulary because words used more than once and seem out of place or repetitive.

Oddly enough, Jason lacked a lot of personality early on but suddenly has one afterwards when he showed attitude to the stranger which is something I want to see more of. That, you need to keep consistent. The dialogue does what it needs to do but it sounds a little awkward.

The whole extract feels like it’s shortened down and missing something. I felt like you cut some parts out because the flow just starts and stops between some paragraphs.


#65
WIP Extract [Because I suck at fight scenes]
The alarm sounded on his face. It morphs from 0 to 100 and his legs ran out of dodge.

As soon as Reid jerked up, Caspar lunged forward and snatched his wrist. He yanked free and Caspar jumped again. He pulled down on the tux until the fabric dug into his palm, forcing the agent to lie down. Now he’s on top, wrestling to keep hold.

“Agent–” he managed while restraining with bone white knuckles. “–please! Listen to me!”

No use.

Strong fingers grabbed his forearm and Reid rolled. They drop to the floor and Caspar grunted, accidentally knocking himself into the coffee table. His hands slipped away from holding Reid in place, who elbowed his ribs and stood.

Caspar gritted his teeth. His pulse expanded like a car engine stuttering. The throb in his chest subsided as it surged, skin drumming. He twisted and kicked out the agent’s legs from underneath him.

“I don’t want to hurt you!”

A second try. He pounced again. But Reid slammed him against the side of the kitchen island. His spine curled in throbbing pain. Caspar swiveled. He brought the agent with him by the lapel and shoved him back. Elbow’s insides felt sinking and he gripped the countertop to get rid of the numbness.

Reid turned his back and reached for something. There’s scratch of metal and he spun to fight brandishing a gleaming knife.

His heart submerged in ice, palpitating. Get out of here! Run! Why aren’t you running?

But what would happen to him? To Daehyun, Rowan, Taeyeon-- the kids? Coeus wasn’t going to hunt them. Coeus won’t hunt them.

Before Caspar could think about what he’s about to do, he threw himself at the armed man. He wasn’t bothered to avoid the blade and it sliced his skin. They burned.

He delivered a sharp jab to the shoulder and went limp. Giving into this energy, he could see himself through Reid. His body hunched over, as if he was hanging on his shoulders. Rays of light are coming from his gaze.

Fingers dropped the weapon and a shoe kicking it near Caspar’s feet. When he spoke, so did Reid. A collective.

“Stop.”

Freak! You freak! Let go of me!

“I said,” their voices boomed, echoing, “Stop.”

Reid stopped struggling. There was a small shiver in the agent’s body. His inner voice silent.

Caspar returned to his own eyes.

“I don’t care why you’re here.” he said, this time aware to keep their tones low. “Go back to Coeus. Don’t bother us anymore. Do you understand?”

I understand.

Caspar released Reid, who hyperventilated as if he wasn’t used to being in his own body. He made eye contact. Even standing far taller, Caspar felt like prey. Like he needed to hide. It took all his mustered determination not to back down.

Reid eyed the door- no, he’s rushing to the knife. The hand’s close proximity made him take several steps away, when the sofa pushed back against him.


#66

Oof lots of revising to do. I really struggle with this writing thing. Thank you for all your help!

Now that I know what I’m doing wrong, I can use that information to make future chapters better after this one. Thank you so much for your feedback on this extract; I really think this will help improve my writing not only in this specific extract but for future parts as well.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!


#67

Happy to help!


#68

Also the worst part about that extract is that that was the entire chapter I posted on my account. Not a single piece of the first chapter is cut out at all.

What do you recommend about the flow? Like I know you said it was choppy but in what specific parts and how does one make their writing flow better?


#69

If this was your whole chapter, it isn’t enough. There’s not enough content. Most people agree the 1500 - 2500 words is a good length.

TLDR; Use guided action or thoughts to bridge your paragraphs. Be mindful of the character’s attention. Break apart sentences or put them together to use white space pause.


Paragraph 1 and 2 I’ve already mentioned. Jason was inside the cafe then walking home. The lack of inbetween is clunky. You got the bricks, and now layer them with mortar. Writing an action to fill the gap or thoughts on the previous subject carried helps flow.

Either him leaving the cafe or him thinking about why the streets were quiet. I actually expected him to wonder about that after you said it was “strangely quiet” but it never came up again. Almost like a continuity error? Or lack of resolution is a better fit.

Sometimes the fixes can be more simple. In paragraph 2 and 3: stranger guy jumps, pauses (paragraph break), then speaks. The pause is empty, surely he’s doing something during it. You can say that stranger guy dusts off his clothes, characterising him beyond odd purple guy and a breather before subject to the action. But if it was supposed to be immediate, put the jump and the dialogue together.

Jason’s attention should be guided. Like when he was going over stranger man’s clothes then immediately cut to the pocket watch. Jason wouldn’t notice the pocket watch inside his hand, an action brings his attention to it. Maybe stranger guy took it out of his coat or swung the chain those victorian pocket watches come with.

I hope get the gist from these examples!


#70

im new so if I’m doing something wrong please tell me haha

Jason lived in a city but tonight it was strangely quiet. He’d just gotten off work not two minutes ago, and when he’d served his last customer, he could see through the glass windows of the coffee shop the streets were packed with cars.

Hm, I love the smell of coffee, but I hate drinking it. First paragraph, maybe you can end it with him being on his last shift instead? Maybe something alone the lines of: “Here you go,” Jason said as he placed the coffee on the table. He glanced out the glass windows…

That’s why it gave him such a start when a man dressed head to toe in purple in white jumped into his path from the alleyway.

I would rephrase this part, or at least show a little more. I wouldn’t exactly use the word “start” because you could show instead. Maybe he yelped? Maybe he put a hand over his heart to calm himself after he backed up? I do like the man dressed in purple head to toe haha, that’s creative! And weird, but what can I say, purple’s my favorite color.

The man exclaimed, “Wait! There’s not much time. You must come with me at once!”

Jason’s eyes widened in fear and surprise. His eyes quickly processed every detail in the man’s appearance. The man was pale, like paper white, and he was wearing a white fedora while sporting a pair of dark sunglasses. Sunglasses in the middle of the night? Jason wondered.

I’m all for mysterious action, but I feel like we can up the tension a bit more. As for the man, he just exclaims these things out of nowhere! Maybe the man can grab Jason’s arm? The man grabbed Jason’s arm and exclaimed, “Wait! There’s not much time. You must come with me at once!” As for Jason, “eyes widening in fear and surprise” throws me a bit off. I feel like Jason’s a character that’s a bit jumpy. I know he’s assessing the man, but if it were me, I wouldn’t even think twice and just run away. It does depend on the character yes, so maybe Jason’s not like me haha. I do love the added detail about the sunglasses! You’re making this man more intriguing by the minute.

What was most peculiar though was the excessive amount of purple in this man’s outfit. He was wearing a dark purple suit with a dark purple tie and a lavender colored button-up underneath. So much purple.

OH MY GOSH MORE PURPLE YES. It does seem a bit repetitive though, since you did mention that he was dressed head to toe in purple.

Jason gave Mr. Too Cool for the 21st Century a bewildered look. “Uh, I think you’ve had a little too much to drink or something. Get home safely. I’ll just keep going on my way now.”

Uh so that’s really quick. Jason thinks he’s a drunk, hm. Maybe somewhere in between all this action, he can conclude that this man is drunk. And maybe the man can give some hints that he’s drunk, when he’s really not. Like he’s so frantic about (maybe) grabbing Jason that he stumbles. Or his words jumble up. And then Jason goes, oh yeah, he’s wasted, and though he stiffens a bit, he’d calm a little bit.

Jason’s eyes widened as it dawned on him this man might be more dangerous than he had initially anticipated.

Woah that man is persistent. I do love how you described the man. Wow, if someone was looking at the two of them, though, it’d be like an act in wonderland. Eyes widened has been used above, so I don’t know, I would probably find something else to describe his panic.

Jason didn’t know what to do. This man was definitely strange, and possibly severely intoxicated or high, but something about him told Jason he wasn’t just a random bum.

Jason sighed in surrender. “Fine.”

So. Uh. I think it’s a bit weird that Jason just “sighs” and gives up. And a bit too quick? Like would you follow a man because he wasn’t a random bum? I don’t think it’s what Jason’s character would do, and I think that the fact that the “man isn’t normal” isn’t a good excuse to follow him. I would love more details/insight on why Jason decided to. Or maybe the man kidnaps him by lying, saying that he needs to get to his wife but then leads him to some alley and… yikes. Haha.

Overall: 7/10 I do think that this has a wonderland theme in it, and I can’t help but notice how crazy the man is (it’s like this wonderland kind of thing because I recently read a book called Splintered where everybody’s wearing crazy clothes and cool stuff and wow) and I think the man might be the rabbit, but who knows! I do think you can make the tension higher and possibly describe more body language for Jason’s panic because he seems oddly calm. I also think that while you DO need to get to a goal of wherever Jason’s going, you have to keep his character consistent. What kind of character is he? The kind who runs away, the kind that’s curious and compassionate, which would lead to someone kidnapping him? All situations depends on the characters. To be honest, I do feel like Jason is the type that runs away though, haha, or maybe that’s just me.

I loved your description of the man. I think he might be my favorite side character. Hm, what kind of city does Jason live in? New York city? I mean, it’s always crowded there, and for it not to be crowded? Awkward. And gosh, the rats. I can’t. Haha. Hope this helped!


#71
12 01

“Let’s start with something different today,” Dr. Martinez said, and Addison paused in the doorway of the office.

“What do you mean? We always start the same way.” It was their routine to ask how Addison was and what she had remembered. Doing something different, not following their routine, it was crazy. Her knees trembled at the thought, and she slowly walked over to her chair and sat.

“Just changing a few things up. How was the walk here with your mother?”

Addison’s hands shook as she remembered freezing when she spotted the car. The driver honked at her to move, but she was a statue that needed to be dragged the rest of the way. She had glanced at her mother, who had a blank expression.

“Do you want to move on to something else? We can talk about your goals or routines.”

“No!” Addison shouted. She willed herself to calm down and focused on her watch. Three months, seven days, ten hours, and five minutes. “No. I mean, the walk was fine. I-I talked to Daniel about a week ago. And I called Victoria on Tuesday so that we can work on one of the goals—sitting in front of a… car for a few minutes. She texted me yesterday that she would come over today.”

“That’s great! I’m proud of you, Addison. What was your reaction after you hung up?”

“I was a little nervous.” Her heels dug into the old rug, and she gripped the edge of her chair. “But I felt like I took a leap?”

“That’s because you took a baby step! You’re going forward! How are your night routines going?”

Forward? She wasn’t going anywhere. Addison was either stuck, or she was sinking. “I’ve tried one… kind of? Two days ago, I took a warm shower, like usual.”

“That’s good. We’ve established that you take a warm shower before you sleep to relax a bit. What else? Did you try something new?”

“I… took my watch and my clock out of the room so I wouldn’t be able to tell the time.”

“How did that go?”

Addison shrugged. “I slept… better.”

Maybe it was because she was exhausted. Adding another routine, other than the shower, took too much energy. Nearly every second she had her watch attached to her wrist, and during the last few days, being apart from it at night made her mentally tired.

Three months, seven days, ten hours, and eight minutes.

“You’re doing great. What I would suggest is before you sleep, enter your cube of good memories and create a peaceful environment. This is challenging, yes, but it’s like your morning routines.” Challenging? It was more than that. She felt like she was in an endless maze, hitting nothing but dead ends.

“What do you do once you wake up?” Across from her, Dr. Martinez wrote on her clipboard.

“I go downstairs, drink coffee, and then I write a goal for myself to complete during the day.”


#72

Another incredibly helpful critique! Thank you so much I think I can really use this information to strengthen my book! <3

P.S. Although I am very appreciative of the feedback you gave me, I think each extract is only supposed to get one critique. And that you were actually supposed to do @chammyelle 's extract. I’m sure everyone understands that your new since you stated it so it’s not a huge deal, but just so you know for next time.


#73

Thank you Typist for correcting them.

Yeah, you were supposed to do mine on #65. I forgot to add a reminder on my last post. Mistakes happen though. :blush:


#74

I’m a he. But thanks for that, I guess. I don’t have any new pieces of writing to post so I can’t review yours.


#75

Oh okay and sorry for not checking your profile for the pronouns first >.<


#76

oh my gosh I’m so sorry! I thought it was just the one above, whoops. If you like, I can start on yours? Sorry about that!


#77

No, that’s fine. I get it a lot :slightly_smiling_face:


#78

Yes please! It’ll minimise the complications. @averysummers


#79
The alarm sounded on his face. It morphs from 0 to 100 and his legs ran out of dodge.

As soon as Reid jerked up, Caspar lunged forward and snatched his wrist. He yanked free and Caspar jumped again. He pulled down on the tux until the fabric dug into his palm, forcing the agent to lie down. Now he’s on top, wrestling to keep hold.

So at first I was confused because you put it morhps, so I thought you were writing in present tense. Also, can an alarm actually sound on your face? So the alarm morphs from 0-100? I think I would rewrite the first sentence (tweak it a bit) so that it makes a bit more sense.

I’m actually kind of wondering about the setting here, I think he’s in an office? I think you can add small details (if it is an office) such as he jumped over the chair / slammed the agent on the desk, wrestling to keep hold of him Now he was on top. As for the pronouns, I got a bit confused here. The agent was now on top, right? Or was it Casper? I do like how you added that detail of what the agent was wearing without making me distracted!

I do think you can rewrite a bit more to keep the tension. I probably won’t be good but maybe something like: As soon as Reid jerked up, Casper lunged forward and snatched his wrist. He pulled down on the tux until the fabric dug into his palm, and slammed the agent down on the desk. I don’t know about the agent yanking his wrist away, because I feel like it lessens the tension, but it’s up to you! I can’t write fight scenes either haha.

“Agent–” he managed while restraining with bone white knuckles. “–please! Listen to me!”

I do love the additional information about Caspar’s white knuckles, but I feel like the “while” kind of cuts the tension. Maybe: “Agent–” he managed, knuckles turning white, “–please! Listen to me!” Or something along those lines, gah, action scenes are so hard!

Strong fingers grabbed his forearm and Reid rolled. They drop to the floor and Caspar grunted, accidentally knocking himself into the coffee table. His hands slipped away from holding Reid in place, who elbowed his ribs and stood.

They’re at a coffee shop! Well, I think. Maybe the agent just has a coffee table, cause he seems pretty rich. I’d probably use dropped instead of drop, since you seem to write in past tense. As for the action, woah, it’s rising real quick! Caspar seems really determined, but he doesn’t want to hurt Reid. Hm, I’m wondering if they knew each other, but then something happened. I’m intrigued.

A second try. He pounced again. But Reid slammed him against the side of the kitchen island. His spine curled in throbbing pain. Caspar swiveled. He brought the agent with him by the lapel and shoved him back. Elbow’s insides felt sinking and he gripped the countertop to get rid of the numbness.

Reid turned his back and reached for something. There’s scratch of metal and he spun to fight brandishing a gleaming knife.

OF COURSE THEY’RE IN A KITCHEN, GAH. I kind of got confused in this scene. I feel like they’re both… stuck? Or the agent is? But then Reid turns his back and gets a knife. Which is weird, because there wasn’t a knife, and knowing Caspar, he would pounce at the change while the agent gets a knife. Well you didn’t describe the knife, so maybe there was a knife, directly behind him, and Caspar goes, why didn’t I notice a knife there? I don’t really recall the agent pining Caspar down again, so I would probably add that too.

Before Caspar could think about what he’s about to do, he threw himself at the armed man. He wasn’t bothered to avoid the blade and it sliced his skin. They burned.

I think Caspar did it somehow knowing, (something along those lines), instead of not knowing what he’s doing, cause that makes it sound like he’s possessed. So maybe: Caspar threw himself at the armed man as the blade sliced his skin. I would then add something like he hissed, etc but I don’t know if burned would work, since he didn’t exactly walk into a fire.

He delivered a sharp jab to the shoulder and went limp. Giving into this energy, he could see himself through Reid. His body hunched over, as if he was hanging on his shoulders. Rays of light are coming from his gaze.

Fingers dropped the weapon and a shoe kicking it near Caspar’s feet. When he spoke, so did Reid. A collective.
Reid stopped struggling. There was a small shiver in the agent’s body. His inner voice silent.

So I’m actually kind of confused. Caspar has powers, right? I think so, because he seems like he went into Reid’s mind and was Reid? But then you say Reid’s struggling, and I don’t really know. I think you could explain this a little more, to clarify. He delivered a sharp jab to Reid’s shoulder and went limp. And what energy, exactly? Does he know he has these powers? If he knows, and they’re Caspar’s, I would probably use a pronoun. So in the sentence rays of light, is it Caspar or Reid? I feel like since he could see himself, it would be Reid? I would probably remove the sentence altogether though, since it doesn’t really show much to me.

Fingers dropped the weapon and a shoe kicked it near Caspar’s feet.

Moving on to Reid, and how he stopped struggling. What was he struggling, exactly? I think the Freak! You freak! was from Reid, and he gave up. So therefore his thoughts went silent and Caspar returned to his own body, right? So he was struggling for control. I would probably add a sentence or two of how Caspar felt. Like did he feel Reid struggling to take control? How did Caspar feel? Did he desperately want out of Reid’s body, because he didn’t know how to take control of his own powers? What triggers it?

“I don’t care why you’re here.” he said, this time aware to keep their tones low. “Go back to Coeus. Don’t bother us anymore. Do you understand?”

I understand.

“I don’t care why you’re here,” Caspar said, keeping his tone low.

I would also probably italicize Reid replying and his thoughts, even above, since it gets a little confusing. Or I would put, Reid replied, etc.

Reid eyed the door- no, he’s rushing to the knife. The hand’s close proximity made him take several steps away, when the sofa pushed back against him.

OH NO HE RUSHED TO THE KNIFE INSTEAD. Hm, so Caspar can control these powers, interesting. So the knife would be on the ground. So he dives down? I mean, Caspar did take a few steps back. I got confused right after the knife sentence. Did Caspar cut him off, so Reid took a couple steps back? I would clarify.
Reid took a couple steps back, towards the door–nope. In a split second, he dived to grab the knife…

Overall: 6.5/10. I do think that there wasn’t much tension, but with a few adjustments, you could give me goosebumps! You do have a few mysteries popping up, especially with Coeus, and I would love to know what’s going on. Caspar’s powers was another interesting scene, one that gave me shivers for sure. I feel like Reid’s the bad guy, especially with how Caspar talked to him at first, pleading. But then near the end, Reid turns out to be a victim? My only theory is that Caspar works for Coeus and if he doesn’t do this mission or something, his friends/family will get hurt? I think Reid ran away for Coeus too, but who knows, I could be wrong.

I would probably remove the alarm part. I mean, I was expecting a bunch of other agents to come and retrieve Caspar, but I guess I was wrong. And the kitchen, I would probably move hints a bit up. I did say desk up top, but I would use that he jumped over the counter or something, so we don’t get confused.

What I did like was that you didn’t include much details. Sure, you might need a little more, but if you used too much details, that could be a problem. In this short scene, I got a grasp of Caspar’s character, and your hints kept me going (and intrigued.) Hope this helped!


#80

Thank you for the informative and thorough review!

Most of these are explainable. I cut out most of the scene before to fit the 500 word limit and this is like 5 chapters into the book, so the context is pretty much missing. Sorry about that, maybe next time I should give short context???

Basically, Agent is looking for another guy with powers and asks Caspar (a pacifist) about it in Caspar’s (tiny) apartment. The guy he’s looking for shows up at the door, he runs away, Agent wants to run after him but Caspar stops him. And they fight.

Initially I wrote it in present, then after 10 or so chapters I changed my mind and had to manually edit those verbs. Looks like I missed some. And the italics for Reid didn’t carry over when I copy pasted aGHH.

Thank you again though!


And just in case anyone gets confused. The next extract needing critique is on #71.