Can you tell me what you think about my book?

Hello! I have become active on Wattpad only ever since quarantine started, but working so much on my books has energized me so much and so I’m here to ask your opinion on my story summary.

Title- 8 Pink Roses- A Quest To Zenora (posted now!)

Riley Garner is surprised when classmate Lucas West shows up at her door to ask her out. She’s even more shocked when he presents her with a bouquet of 8 pink roses, since as far as she knows roses are typically given in dozens. When she asks him why such a strange number, Lucas reveals that he knows she’s been having prophetic dreams for the past 8 weeks.

But she never told him.

They begin talking on the matter, and Riley realizes that Lucas can read people’s minds.
When she reveals this matter to her best friend Chloe, Chloe suggests that they ask their parents’ thoughts on the matter. They do so, and their parents reveal that Riley’s mom is not actually her mom, but she’s her aunt, and she and Lucas’ parents are actually from a planet which is basically an Earth 2.0 called Zenora.

Riley’s birth mom died during childbirth and her dad was lost during the war, so her aunt adopted her and raised her. But Riley also has a twin sister who lives on Zenora. She could not have survived the commute from Earth to Zenora as she was very weak when she was born, and the commute is energy-consuming. So, Riley’s grandmother raised her sister, Rhiannon on Zenora while her aunt made the commute to Earth, for a civil war was taking place on Zenora and she believed that the daughters of a war veteran would not be safe on Zenora.

She also revealed that the Riley and Rhiannon would not survive past twenty years of age on different planets as their life forces are connected. Riley has to go to Zenora and bring her sister back to Earth, as her mom/aunt and Lucas’ parents can’t, since they were blacklisted for immigrating to Earth during a crucial time in the war. And Zenoran commuting rules say that people can only travel to and from Zenora in pairs or groups because if one person is injured or fatigued in the commute, the others can take care of them.

So, Riley convinces Lucas to join her and the both of them go to Zenora, where they meet Rhiannon and her grandmother. Rhiannon tells them how she’s a crucial spy in the war, and she can’t leave Zenora as her grandmother is too sick to leave, and she can’t abandon the lady who raised her. So she tells them that she won’t leave.

Riley and Lucas stay to persuade her. When the mastermind of the war, General Kiligrano gets wind of Riley and Lucas and their intentions (not the complete extent of their powers), he knows that they will somehow take Rhiannon away and he will lose one of his biggest assets in the war.

So, he murders Rhiannon’s grandmother one day, when Rhia and Lucas are at another Zenoran country on a spying mission and Riley is out. He makes it seem like Riley murdered their grandmother, as the knife she uses for defending herself was the one with which grandmother was murdered. The knife was always with Riley ever since she got it at Zenora, and she never let go of it. To believe that Riley murdered grandmother is easy, as Riley never liked the lady and those feelings were reciprocated. Rhia feels betrayed and their twin bond is broken.

The both of them begin to deteriorate rapidly, and the doctor says that the only way to save them is to mend their bond. Lucas tries to investigate who actually murdered Riley and Rhia’s grandmother, but to no avail. Then, he meets one of Rhia’s friends who can manipulate time and he asks the friend to take him back in the past to the day when their grandmother died. Lucas discovers it was Kiligrano, but fears that Rhia won’t believe him.

So, he tells Rhia he knows who actually killed her grandmother and eats some Ascanian dingleberries, the truth serum of Zenora, in front of Rhia. Rhia asks him questions which he answered truthfully because of the berries. And then she discovers that Kiligrano killed her grandmother.

The three of them reveal this piece of information to Kiligrano’s followers, who genuinely liked the old lady and all his followers retaliated against him. The war was not yet over, but Kiligrano was overthrown, and imprisoned for murder. Rhia realized she had lost everything that tethered her to Zenora, so she agreed to leave Zenora and go to Earth with Riley and Lucas. The three of them get to Earth where Riley and Lucas continue dating, Rhia starts going out with Riley’s aforementioned best friend, Chloe and peace lives in their lives. The twins go back to Zenora on the anniversary of their grandmother’s death, and find out that the civil war had ended a few months ago, when the nations of Zenora united under the Treaty of the Bond. The Zenorans honor the sisters’ role in ending the war, as their bond was the thing that inspired them to stand unitedly.

The End.

Please tell me what you think of this

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Why doesn’t Rhiannon ask her own friend to take her back in time to find out? If she has a friend with this ability, why wouldn’t she just check her sister’s story from the start before destroying their twin bond?

Why does the boy have to save the day?

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My first thought was “well damn that escalated quickly!” :grin: the rest of the plot is kinda cool, maybe needs a bit more depths and reflection (as mentioned in the response above : some things just seem a bit odd) but my main concern is about the random beginning : is the number 8 a recurring thing? What are the odds of two classmates being interested in each other And conveniently from another planet? (that could be logical but will need an explanation) What were was the intention in the guy’s mind? Was he planning on her asking why the 8 roses, was he planning to told her he could read minds, was interested in her before knowing about the premonitions?..

It’s like, I really liked this beginning but it seems a bit too different from what will come next, a bit too innocent and convenient maybe :woman_shrugging:t3: it doesn’t seem to be a fluidity between the initial situation and the rest of the book but maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan when everything is just too easy and occurs randomly hahahha

She was way too confused and convinced that her sister, who wanted her to go to earth, and whom she had barely known for a few months and who hated her grandmother had killed her grandmother

And all the evidence pointed to the fact that Riley killed her grandmother
Plus, this friend of hers was away on a mission, and had returned for a few days and hence had come to visit her

I know this seems too convenient, but actually Riley and Lucas’ moms were friends when they were younger. Lucas’ entire family (except him and his parents) was killed because they retaliated against the war and tried to unite the people. Riley’s mom/aunt came to Earth when Riley was an infant, but Lucas and his parents didn’t come to Earth till he was a toddler, and hence the friends ended up living so close to each other and still were unaware of this

I feel the same actually.

I have a question - or a few questions. Does Riley know she has powers? Does Chloe know too? Does she have powers?

So I’m guessing they don’t and only here they are told stuff. Which leads me to my earlier point. She tells her best friend who advises her to ask her mom. Why would Chloe say that? Does she know about the powers and hopes the parents can explain everything to Riley? Or is she just suggesting it? If she’s just suggesting it, it seems very off - at least, it does for me.

The other thing is you just seem to have a lot going on.

This is how your story seems to me.
Lucas just comes to ask her out from where she learns that he has mind reading abilities which for some reason, she asks her parents to elaborate how he does. Then then proceed to tell her they aren’t her real parents and they are all from some different planet, where her twin is residing in and that she’ll have to bring her back in order to live for more than twenty years. When Riley goes to this planet, there’s a war going on, in which her sister is a great asset and therefore, can’t leave.
So Riley stays there and is murdered. Lucas finds the murderer who happens to be the mastermind general and tells Rhia by the truth serum.

Then somehow Riley comes back to life and they go to Earth, where the very first part of the story which was on hold all this time, resumes.

Riley has powers and yes, she knows it. Chloe knows Riley has powers but Chloe doesn’t have powers

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Oh god no! Riley doesn’t die, their grandmother dies
Riley hated the lady because the lady hated her and was mean to her, Rhia felt that Riley thought that the grandma sucked, as she was the only thing keeping Rhia from coming to earth. So when evidence pointed that Riley murdered the lady, Rhia believed it.

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He had liked her for some time, and he came to ask her out in his own weird way. He thought that Riley was talking to herself in the school hallways about her dreams, and he felt that was slightly weird. So he came with 8 roses to tell her that 1. He likes her 2. He knows she has dreams and has had them for 8 weeks. He thought it was the perfect opportunity

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Your sentence here is very confusing. Because it could have meant Riley and the grandmother. Or the twin’s grandmother.

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Yes, she’s just suggesting it because she’s one of those kids who think that parents have the solution to every problem

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The grandma is of both Riley and Rhiannon, coz they’re sisters

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Yeah, I realised once your explained. But that sentence could have meant two different things :slight_smile:

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I just realized that, thanks for pointing it out! :smiley:

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By the way, @Bookworm_Love4me write the story in paragraphs. Because it’s all together, it’s hard to read.

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Yeah, I’ll edit it now thanks! :smile:

The hatred between Riley and the Grandmother is weird. I don’t really understand why she automatically hates her long-lost granddaughter. Wouldn’t she be thrilled to see her, especially since Riley’s arrival will essentially save Rhiannon’s life because she would have died before turning 20…

Also were the adults on Earth just going to let Riley die? She had to go to them and ask questions and that’s when they finally told her that she was going to die before twenty unless she traveled to this planet. That seems like something they should have told her already and been preparing her for by educating her about the planet and the powers there, etc.

I think in a SciFi story you need to have some of the “science” worked out a bit more. Right now it seems a lot of it is convenient. These powers and things pop up as needed. But if Rhiannon has a friend who can manipulate time that would be a crucial thing for their fight in the war, and to me if Rhiannon was a great spy then she’d immediately know not to trust how things “appear” when it looks like Riley killed the grandmother and so she’d immediately use her friend’s time bending ability to check it out.

Especially because she’s essentially committing suicide by destroying their link.

It seems like a huge plot hole to me that she just writes off her sister and Lucas sweeps in to save the day :woman_shrugging:

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Agree! But actually that kind of problem can often easily be fixed, with a bit of maturation and reflection :blush:

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She didn’t destroy it, it destroyed itself as (she felt) her sister betrayed her. Her friend was away at the time and had come to visit her during vacation, and found out all this had happened.