Chapter One Critiques // Open

Hi there!
I’m Pari and it’s nice to meet ya!

There’s no point beating around the bush- first chapters are important. You think you have a nice story, but if the first chapter does not leave your reader hungry for an update, chances are they’ll forget your story in the vast sea of wattpad. That sucks, because you know your story has so much more potential than the reads it currently has.

So let’s work on that first chapter together, yeah?

I’ll be working on grammar, syntax, overall flow of the story, character development, and anything else that you want me to specifically look at. I’m really looking to expanding my wattpad library so if your story keeps me hooked, I’m surely going to keep it in my library :slight_smile:

I would like to say I keep an open mind with all the stories that I’m working on, but I am absolutely rubbish with Sci-fi and poetry, so if your story falls in either of these genres, I’m sorry!

Payment
I would love to hear your views on the first chapter of my story, ‘Always and Forever’. It’s in it’s nascent stage so I want to polish it as much as I can before making the final draft. Here’s the link:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/203966165-always-and-forever

Let’s start our requests by saying hello first, before the rest of the form :blush:
Username:
Story name:
Short summary:
Areas to be reviewed:
Link to story:

Cheers,
Pari :heart:

Username: GhostsInsideOfMyBed
Story name: ZEITGEIST
Short summary: It was 4:30 P.M. when Aaliyah Zarren was reported sleeping with the COO of her Public Relation’s firm.

Well, allegedly.

Now jaded, and half-functioning with a promised job slipping through her fingers, Aaliyah was desperate to get back on New York City’s good graces and impress her boss. And she was willing to do anything, even if it meant becoming Octavio Castellano’s, casanova of the art world’s, nude model.

Areas to be reviewed: Characterization
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/198786858-zeitgeist-new

1 Like

Username: JustAnotherNewbie
Story name: A Thin Line
Short summary: Randhir Singh Shekhawat hates his classmate Sanyukta Agarwal more than anyone else in the world. Too bad he has to deal with her in class. And the library, laboratory and after school club. Lately, she’s even been in his dreams
Areas to be reviewed: what would make you click on chapter 2, flow, writing
Link to story: https://my.w.tt/6Yj1juveg1

1 Like

Hello, hopefully I have something that interests you!
Username: seaofgreen
Title: Slate
Short Summary: The family life of twins Will and Athena Slate is thrown into disarray when their father announces the return of an estranged older brother, Charlie, who disappeared seven years ago due to a violent confrontation.
Areas to be reviewed: I’m wondering if the first chapter is too description heavy/slow.
Link; https://www.wattpad.com/story/159718323-slate-✔
Thanks for doing this! I’ll definitely check out your story :heart:

1 Like

Username: TheNorthernEagle
Story name: Wolf Child
Short summary: ●A cursed infant ◆ A wolf pack ◆ An ancient prophecy ◆ An unforgettable adventure●

Ferhia knew nothing about her past, nor did she know about her parentage. For nearly fourteen years she lived with the Pack, but she knew the wolves were keeping something away from them.

●●●

Kilfer feared for his sister. In fact, the entire pack feared his sister. As the days draw near, their worries turn into anger. But he knew that he was not prepared for what would come…
Areas to be reviewed: Grammar, story flow, basically anything that would bring readers to click on chapter 2 XD
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/138868266-wolf-child

Thank You!

1 Like

Username: SteelTitan
Story name: If We Collide
Short summary:One ready to destroy and kill, the other to recreate and live life at last…Lucas Sullivan and Lily Arthur are two people who were never supposed to meet. Coming from completely opposite worlds, and living under different rules, the chances of their paths crossing were slim to none.

But does destiny have a different plan for them? Might it, I dare say, cause an unlikely bond to form between them? And will that bond blossom into something more?
Areas to be reviewed: Almost everything
Link to story: https://my.w.tt/Han76MFhg1

I’m very excited and nervuous about it :joy:

Username: Elyy08
Story name: Thunderstruck
Short summary: She sighed in exasperation, shaking her head, before getting straight and opening the book sure that she would not be able to hear a single word from the lesson today, too busy thinking about how she would charge Billy fucking Hargrove.
Areas to be reviewed: grammar or if the chapter encourages you to read the rest of the story.
But I’m open to other suggestions / criticisms
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/796146327-𝕥𝕙𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕔𝕜-꡶꡶-ʙɪʟʟʏ-ʜᴀʀɢʀᴏᴠᴇ-season-one

1 Like

Username: @dalancydaven
Title: You are missing from me
Description:Jackson Miller is a re-known singer who appears to have everything anyone could wish for but all that glitters is not gold.
Evelyn Jones’ life is finally playing out how she planned it. but what if her fresh start brings her face to face with someone she wants to forget. Jackson Miller, her traitor of a best friend.
Will they be able to mend the wounds they caused each other in the past or will history repeat itself once again?
Areas to be reviewed: Anything to make it better i guess
Link:https://www.wattpad.com/story/199513014-you-are-missing-from-me

Hi, I’ve completed your review. Thank you for requesting :slight_smile:

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that pairing before? Is this a fan fic?

So excited to finally read a desi story though!

I’ve been pretty out of touch with most Indian shows, my bad, sorry!
I’m still trying to read your story as objectively as I can.

Ps. Thank you for taking the time to read Always and Forever.

1 Like

It is but I’m hoping I’ve written it well enough you don’t need context.

Hey, this is such a sweet offer, and I just wanted to say thank you in advance for what you are doing to help people! :blush:

I seem to lose a lot of readers between my first and second chapter, so if you are interested, I would love to have some of your thoughts on it as a chapter. Perhaps maybe you’ll have some ideas of why it might be happening :sweat_smile:

Username: @houseofmirrors
Story name: Siren
Short summary: Mute since the tragic accident, Ashlyn Holland has lived a quiet life in her childhood home, haunted daily by the shadow of her Father’s memory, but too afraid to let him go. Instead, she passes the day serving coffee and kindness, avoiding the ocean at all costs.

When Derek moves to town, however, her routine is interrupted, and the fears that have always held her back are challenged. As their relationship develops and Ashlyn finds freedom in love, disaster lingers in the back ready to strike. And when it does, it will either bring them closer together or tear them apart.

Areas to be reviewed: This story does have a prologue, but if possible could you look at chapter one instead (I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t read prologues :woman_shrugging: so want to make sure my first chapter is strong enough on its own) and let me know if perhaps the hook at the end is just too cliche, or if it’s over descriptive and possibly putting people off.
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/698783089-siren

I’m just about to head out, but I can take a look at your first chapter in a couple of hours :slight_smile:

1 Like

Hi, I’ve completed your review. Thank you for requesting :slight_smile:

1 Like

Hi! I’m Megan :slight_smile:
Username: @translucidity
Title: Rayne On Me
Short Summary: Dayna Rivers is NOT okay. After several drunken episodes following the unexpected death of her guardian and grandmother, Brenda, not even her large inheritance can fill the whole she left behind. In an attempt to rehabilitate Dayna and mend the relationship between them, Dayna’s mother, Evelyn, enlists the aid of Brandon Rayne, a renowned live-in therapist with a dark past of his own. As Brandon fights the feelings that he begins to develop for Dayna, he struggles with a past of his own that threatens to tear them apart.
Areas To Be Reviewed: Characterization and Plot

Rayne On Me

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Username:
Story name: Eve of Eden
Short summary:
I was Adam’s wife, nothing more, nothing less. I was the perfect wife, ever the obedient, always patient. I did everything they told me to do–everything he told me to do, but in the end, none of it mattered.
My name is Eve, and I just got kicked out of Heaven.

Areas to be reviewed: Characterization, flow, and anything you think of :slight_smile: (but mostly characterization)
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/195475483-eve-of-eden
Thank you!

1 Like

Hello! I’m Phoenix, I’m really excited with my new story The Painter but I can’t get much reads. I had been thinking perhaps there’s something wrong with my plot or the way I started it.:thinking: I would really appreciate if you could give me your advise.
Username: @PhoenixKing98
Story name: The painter.
Short summary: Jude Klein is a private detective that’s trying to catch a ferocious serial killer that recreates artworks with dead bodies. He’s been hunting him for years, and after believing he was dead, Klein stumbles with a new murder.

Notice that the first chapter is just some kind of Prologue. The real first chapter is called Furias.

Areas to be reviewed: I’d appreciate if you could look into the general flow of the story. If is somehow hooking or not, and if I did a good job with the descriptions and the the grammar (I know grammar is not my strong spot.)

Thank you in advance. I will be checking your story as soon as you accept the request.
Here is the link: https://my.w.tt/YaQAR4N4g1

1 Like

Hi there! I’m Courtney! I hope you will give my story a chance!

Username: @CourtneyPeterman0
Story name:After I Fall
Short summary:Army Sergeant Braeden Sampson was put on MIA status after his mission in Afghanistan went terribly wrong. He left behind Abbey, his young wife, and their unborn child.

For Abbey, losing her husband seven years ago was more than she could handle. To escape the pain, she turned to drugs, her addiction destroying what was left of the life she knew. After a move to New York City, coping with her addiction and struggling to make ends meet with an enabling roommate only made things more difficult. Only after an embarrassing encounter with a billionaire financier, does she receive the opportunity that could change her life forever.

Cole Donner is that billionaire. He also has a secret. With a demanding career on the line and the new responsibility of raising his two young, troubled brothers, he does whatever he can to keep it hidden. After receiving the worst possible news, he is forced to hire a live-in house manager slash nanny to handle his affairs. A crazy twist of fate lands Abbey in his interview hot seat, someone he never counted on seeing again.

Areas to be reviewed: Plot holes and character development

Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/196344472-after-i-fall-editing

Thank you!

1 Like

Username: jspruill1130
Story name: Claimed by the Sicilian Mafia
Short summary:
There was much more to this sham marriage than the exchanging of money and flesh. Not only would the Cosa Nostra get me, but also the right to use my father’s company’s good name to export their contraband overseas from Italy to his company in Chicago.

So now here I waited to meet my groom for the fist time ever, only hours before the ceremony took place.

My soon to be mother-in-law’s instructions were simple:
Stand perfectly still when he enters.
Do not speak unless spoken to.
Do my best not to show fear.

I could do that.

But by the time he circled my body for the second time, I lost my cool.

“Are you done treating me like livestock?”
“Strike one, mi amore.” I bit my lip, had I lost my mind?
“And I am not your love.” Yep I definitely had.
“Strike two, mi amore.”

I did not follow baseball, but as a child father had taken me to see the Cubs play and I was pretty positive that after strike three you were out and did not want to find out what “out” meant in Salvatore terms.

So this was what it would be like being claimed by the Sicilian Mafia.

Areas to be reviewed: does the first chapter hook the audience
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/202978042

1 Like

Hi Pari, thanks for providing this opportunity.

Username: @Sammi_the_Seal
Story name: Fiancé
Short summary: Sami and Em are a Christian couple struggling between their spirituality and their lust for taboo fantasies.
Areas to be reviewed: How to make the reader want to continue reading?
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/798514033-fiancé-part-1

Hi, I’ve completed your review. Thank you for requesting.

I’m sorry I couldn’t move to the next chapter. The premise of the story is captivating, but I cannot move past the heavy descriptions.

1 Like