CRITIQUE THE BLURB ABOVE YOU

CRITIQUE THE BLURB ABOVE YOU

Rip apart the blurb above you. This is all to make better writers of us all! (Don’t be rude though)

HERE’S MINE

Morgan Letterway is the coolest guy in Traifell High. His best friend is also his crush, not that he’d admit it. He meets a girl on a public forum for his dream university. He listens and emails U.W.L, a legendary podcast and radio host at Trifell High. He’s falling in love three different ways, at one time. You’ve heard of a love triangle, but what about a love crossroad?


Morgan Letterway. The swimming co-captain, Prom Committee Head and Vice-President of the Student Council. He’s the sweet jock that everyone either wants to be or date. One thing he hates: what his heart wants.

His best friend. Antonio Zulle. The person on his mind, the person that he’s so intimate with that everyone thinks they’re dating. As much as Morgan wishes, he knows that Antonio is as straight as a pole.

His own secret penpal. He listens to U.W.L, an anonymous in-school radio and podcast host. Talking about expression, identity, and amazing music. One person, but they rock the entire school. With each passing day though, Morgan falls for yet another word in every email he gets, making it harder to fight the temptation to unravel who they are. People get closer to finding out the mystery of who they are, day by day.

His own Cinderella. Tasha. Uneasy about entering his dream university, he found her. An anonymous girl from the forums that goes to his school. A planned encounter during Prom, but she scurries away at midnight. Left with nothing but a dumbfounded expression and her locket.

You’ve heard of love triangles. Love squares, even those with the same two people. But have you heard of the love crossroad?

So im not that great of a writer so u probably dont want to take my advice to seriously

It’s pretty good, although the first time you wrote ‘Trailfell High’ with an ‘a’ and the second time, 'Trifell High", whithout an ‘a’

It’s good, though i don’t really love the word ‘cool’
maybe ‘popular’ ‘trendy’ ‘composed’
idk just my opinion

I don’t see the need of the word ‘own’
'the person always on his mind"
I like the pole comparison

These paragraphs are both pretty good

I reaaaallly love this line.

so heres mine:
15 years ago, a psychopathic dictator committed suicide, freeing from a chaotic and cruel rule. 15 years ago, a new government, filled with passionate people was created. 15 years ago, mankind started to make huge leaps in science, tech, and healthcare, improving everyone’s lives. Or at least everyone that mattered. Everything that seems too true to be perfect is always fake. In the past, unwanted children were treated as animals: working the moment they learn to walk, until their deaths at a young age, without any education, without any hope, not even a real name. When people started leading comfortable lives, many started to have children, not realizing they weren’t able to handle them. As a result, the orphanage factories flooded with children. The new leaders didn’t care enough to change it. After all, the free labor could only benefit them.

Enter S-845, just another orphan. He might try to escape but it doesn’t matter. He’s still just a pawn in someone else’s story. Or is he?

so im worried that it sounds really cliche. suggestions?

Hello !:smile:

The Character and Story Games Club is for character and writing games :smile: as your thread seems more suited for that Club, I’ve gone ahead and moved it for you :smile:

Thank you for understanding! :yellow_heart:

Irena

Community Ambassador

I like it. It’s not too cliche. You’ve given a lot of background information (which is both good and bad), but it isn’t over the top either. I would break the “15 years ago” analogies into their own separate sentences to help make them stand out a lot more, and start a new paragraph from “Everything that seems too true”.

The last line where you introduce the protagonist, the last question is kinda cheesy, and the overall wording could be changed as well. You could try something like this instead:

S-845 is just another orphan. He has crushed dreams and hopes that fill his mind every waking moment. But dreams and hopes are dangerous for a young orphan. He’s seen what happens to those who believe - and it’s never any good. But try to escape he must, for his life hangs in a precarious balance of someone else’s game. A game no one want’s to be apart of.

Here’s my blurb:
Ellie Young is just one of the many children left in the aftermath of a war that has destroyed most of humanity.

Her old life has been taken from under her feet, forcing her to march with countless others into a new way of living. Upon arrival, Ellie is given the grim task of being the designated city Tag Bearer, where she meets the cunning and handsome Matthew.

When Matthew gets Ellie caught up in a feud she desperately doesn’t want to be in, Ellie is snatched away into a journey far from easy. Wither her life on the line, she must learn to navigate a destroyed city and the rules of a newly formed corrupt government, or she might just end up losing her life.

Hi! :slight_smile:

So, this part is highly intriguing and gives me an idea of the genre, as well as having me read more. It reads like something dystopian scifi or YA.

In this section, I’m left wanting a little more information. It both gives the plot and avoids it altogether. for instance, what was her life and what is it now? What kind of lifestyle or hardships does she and the other children face? Also, it might help to mention her age group.

Pretty good here. It describes the conflict and who is involved, but in what feud? Her life is at stake, but why? It feels like you could go into more detail here. Like, on her journey, what are some other challenges she faces and are they different from what other kids are facing? Otherwise, your blurb is intriguing to me.
______________________________________________________________________________
Seventeen year old Kristina Evans and best friend, Zack, do what they must to keep their families alive in the year 3018, when much of the human population is starving. A common practice in society now is to marry a man of wealth who can provide for them, but Kristina wants nothing to do with the charming man who’s been after her for a year now, David Huntington.

When her mother, out of desperation, arranges a marriage for her behind her back, Kristina fights to reclaim her freedom. Her father long deceased, her uncle returning afters years away, she fears that no one will help her, until she receives the help of a rather secretive man who does this for a living. But there are worse things than marriage.

In the outer world, beyond the walls that protect them, hundreds of years of evolution and experimentation have cooked up something no one could have foreseen. Even the plants have become desperate, now hunting human prey should they wander out–or should the plants finally break in. Unfortunately for Kristina and the rest of the human population, man’s destruction will be by its own hands, by the vines of the man-eaters they created. Evolution requires a succession of species.

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Great hook! It gives me a clear understanding of the genre (dystopian scifi), and it lets me understand what she goes through on a day-to-day basis, as well as giving the main character’s age and other important details

A great way to introduce the annoyance of the story! And some of the lore as well! So far, I haven’t seen anything I object to

For normal people, this would be a great plot, and nothing too out of the ordinary. It’s well-worded, informing the reader why Kristina wouldn’t have support in her bid for freedom, and starts the buildup around the mystery man who’s almost certainly going to be a bigger annoyance than David.

As for this… it actually worries me. Not in a bad way, don’t worry. It finishes the blurb off nicely, but you could probably leave off the second-to-last sentence. Other than that, great job!

___________________________________________________________________________
Sardaahn Keisha, the youngest and first female draknong of the Kazaanti war fleet, has a problem. She’s been stranded on the dreaded planet, Kragnat. Now she must negotiate with the fearsome Kragnat people, undefeated in combat and unrivaled in resistance, in order to get her ship back in the air before the cold of Shan-Fecs arrives. One misstep, and she could very well cause the quick-tempered Kragnats to destroy the Kazaanti, with no hope of survival for her beloved race.

How will she handle this? Will these hairless Krag, these… “Humans”, that’s what they call themselves. Will they destroy her ship? Or can she flee back to Kazaan in safety?

And what of this Fraezo Corunshin? Is he really the man he claims to be? Does he really want to help, or does he have an ulterior motive? Will he prove that all Kragnats are short-tempered brutes, or is he different from the rest?

Thank you for your feedback. I’m excited to hear this. Would you suggest I take off the sentence about what man created?

Yeah. Leave the fact that it was created by humans a surprise in the book

Good advice. Thank you!

No problem! Now can someone tear mine to shreds please?

Pretty solid start. You definitely get the feel of the stakes and adventure and the genre is clearly communicated.

However, I think you could condense or omit a lot of this. With blurbs, less is almost always more.

I also would watch out the amount of your world’s vocabulary used. I love a good sci-fi or fantasy world, and I think it’s fun when the author has clearly thought enough of the world to pretty much have a dictionary of terms in it. However, in a blurb, I would really limit the amount of those you use. Right off the bat we’re trying to figure out ‘draknong’ ‘Kazaanti’ ‘Kragnat’ and ‘Shan-Fecs.’ It’s too much. I found myself having a really hard time following who was who and what the significance of any of this was.

Your last two paragraphs are just rhetorical questions. You could get rid of them entirely and lose nothing. I seriously would just completely delete those paragraphs. Personally, I am not a fan of rhetorical questions in summaries at all. They’re overplayed, and they automatically make the reader start answering questions rather than asking them. Your blurb should leave the reader going 'What happens next?" but as soon as you pose a question to the reader, they’re going to start answering them instead, which the opposite of what you want.


Mine. Please rip it to shreds, it needs so much work:

Wren Brooks left her hometown ten years ago and never looked back. After the mysterious death of her father, though, she’s forced to return. As more and more townspeople start dropping like flies, it becomes a race against the clock to find the killer or die trying.

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Hey! So you have the bare minimum here, and it’s not that catching. I get the idea: girl gets to hometown, killer is killing people. How does she play into this story? Does she become a target? Was her dad involved? What are the stakes. Tell us why we should read this. This kind of blurb doesn’t do anything to separate this story from the hundreds of others that may, on the surface, sound similar.

Why did she leave the town? There’s a mysterious death of her father…expand a bit. Why is Wren forced to return? Is it for the funeral, or for something more? Are there secrets she wanted to remain hidden? Why did Wren want to leave her hometown so badly?

If you answer a few of these without spoiling anyone, you’ll have a much better synopsis that will attract more readers. I hope this helped!


Here is mine (probably publishing this story tonight):

In October 2154, Eleanor Rhodes does not remember her identity, nor how she came to lose it. Yet, with horrifying military abilities brewing beneath her skin, it takes little time before questions are raised, lies are spun and lives are lost. Her desperate search for answers becomes a lethal game of cat-and-mouse that puts everything on the line-including her humanity.

In March 2025, alias Irina Vasnetsov infiltrates Moscow as a political official to murder the man who would sign, nine months later, the Accords that set forth the end of American dominance. But when she meets an English diplomat who begins unravelling the walls she had raised around her heart, Irina-or rather Eleanor-compromises the fate of nations, and her own heart, for him and her freedom.

In two worlds ravaged by war and politics, Eleanor Rhodes stands to lose everything that she is, and more. The secrets she does not remember may cost her the life she had always wanted. Yet, with a devilish man observing her every choice and with deceit masking every face she meets, it will take more than her military training to save her-if she manages to save herself, at all.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with detail. The opening is good and intriguing, but it gets a bit diluted by the middle paragraph. It’s either a bit too much information for a blurb, or could be clarified. It’s also a bit counter-intuitive to me that middle paragraph’s events happen before first paragraphs. It’s fun, and it sounds a bit like a Jason Bourne situation, but it takes a bit of deciphering to get there instead of being reading smoothly.


Three years after witnessing the most high-profile murder in city history, Tom and Callie reunite at the annual Umberland HEXPO horror and sci fi convention only to become the fixation of a killer still holding a grudge.

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I feel like you could maybe add in some more detail in your blurb. It’s almost so vague that it interest me less than it would if I knew a little more about the characters and the plot. This is just my preference though. Maybe have a sentence to describe the two main characters and a sentence to describe the town and the murder three years ago? Also, what is Umberland HEXPO? Maybe I just don’t know of it or this could be something invented in your story. I would suggest just saying the annual horror and sci fi convention instead of annual Umberland HEXPO horror and sci fi convention.


Here is mine:
Enjoying a midnight walk was not supposed to lead to racing through the woods towards the infirmary. Of course, with Yvette’s luck, this is exactly what happens. Her life takes an unexpected turn when she finds Jackson in the forest. The determined, compassionate young woman and stalwart town deputy grow close, but Yvette is keeping secrets that could change everything. As she seeks answers to her inner turmoil, Jackson becomes entangled in a dangerous dispute over town borders. He struggles to end the fighting, but other forces are at work. Everything isn’t as it seems.

Your blurb, overall, is pretty good. The second sentence, I feel, is a bit overused and the ending could be missed if it is on Wattpad. This might be hypocritical (I have the same problem) but if your work is published here the intrigue should be displayed in the first part and the end should preferably be a strong finish. What often happens with me is that I notice a cover or a start of a blurb that may interest me, and then enter the book without finishing the blurb. Perhaps flip the sentences about to display the secrets towards the front and place the more humor-centered jab at luck towards the end for those who stick around to read it.


Sigris is turning nineteen in just one moon cycle. In her people’s culture, nineteen is the coming of age, where a child becomes an adult and they get the honor of picking their course in life. Their new job will become their identity, binding them to a life at night while the children thrive during the day.

She has waited for the change for as long as she could remember. Alchemy has always been her passion, and she can’t wait to begin her apprenticeship.
Her twin brother is less excited. He hasn’t yet found a calling, wanting instead to continue spending life beneath the sun and in an eternal childhood.

Not everything turns out well. Not everything is as it seems. Not every path leads you where you expect.

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I think overall this blurb is catchy and concise. I felt that the first portion was a little difficult to understand (about them being bound to a life at night). I believe it could be reworded to be more “show” than “tell”. However, I definitely was interested after the second and third parts. Good job.


In the wake of a prophecy foretelling his doom, King Hector killed his only son, beheaded his court mages, and sentenced all magic-users to death. Terrorized into swearing allegiance to the crown, the people quietly pray for a savior to rid them of the tyrannical king.

Sol lives a quiet life in which he works as an apothecary’s assistant and desperately keeps a low profile. But when his secret is revealed, he is thrown into a journey with David, a talented fighter on the run, and Zia, a nimble thief hungry for revenge. They seek the key to one thing that Sol both yearns and fears: Magic.

But the three are not the only ones searching, and their enemies will kill for the secrets they seek.

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I’m not an expert, but your blurb got me intrigued. It is a good summary for the reader to get a grasp of the basic and get them curious for more. Separating the setting and the current action into two paragraph makes up a clean summary. Overall, simple but great! Good job! :clap:


The Archives stores all the information of our the world we live in. A place where mythology of the ages progressed at the same time in parallel universes without the knowledge of the Earth’s humankind. Only the privileged ones - the archivists - are aware and their only task is to watch and document.

However as the Rebellion opening all doors of the universes within the far-eastern regions the peace slowly turns into chaos. With the patron god of the Chinese Region missing and demons coming over to Earth, Liu HongJi knows that ‘watching’ won’t be enough anymore.

Secretly going against his organization, infiltrating the universe of Diyu with the help of a demon lord on his side, who has questionable motives and connections. They try to uphold the fragile safety of the world they live in.

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I’m not quite sure on what the story is trying to tell but I had an image in mind that it’s a little dystopian. I don’t actually read like a long blurb because it makes it hardly understandable, at least for me. But all in all, it is intriguing and I guess it’s filled with supernatural/mythical creatures.

Here’s mine: The Void That Lies in Between

Many mysteries spread like wildfire throughout the whole city of Heyans. There were myths and telltales that many adventurers who seek for the mountain of The Void were granted a freedom from the grasp of reality and live in alternative world. When Anhiall was faced with a great depth in reality and wanted to percieve his purpose, he wandered through the Void that lies in between of reality and fantasy seeking for prosperity. But little did he know the danger that awaits in the deepest, darkest part of the alternative world. How can he manage to get back from reality when his fate was gripped to death?

  • One little thing is you have it as The Void one time and the Void the other
  • I don’t think you need the ‘of’ at ‘between of reality and fantasy’
  • It could probably be ‘who seek the mountain of The Void’, I’m not sure that you need the ‘for’

Here’s mine:

Protector of the Human Race Against the Lizard People is not something that Chris Thompson can put on his CV. Lab Technician is.

But when a new PhD student joins his research group, Chris realises it’s up to him to expose her for what she really is, and do what needs to be done for the good of humanity.