CRITIQUE THE BLURB ABOVE YOU

Short, funny, makes me want need to know more. It took me a while to connect the first paragraph’s idea to the second, and realise that the new PhD student might be a lizard person, but I think that’s more a fault of my comprehension than of your blurb :rofl: I find this to be set up nicely, with an ideal level of revealing an intriguing concept without giving away too much of the actual plot. :+1:


Here’s my blurb for My Favourite Part:

Evangeline’s life is normal by all standards. But on Thursdays comes her 𝒻𝒶𝓋𝑜𝓊𝓇𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉.

Evangeline Channing is a good kid with a good life - great family and friends, not-so-great grades, but she’s happy, and that’s what matters most.

But for the past few months, she’s kept something a secret. Or rather, someone. Unknown to her family and even her closest friends, Evangeline is in love. He’s older. Richer. Most importantly, he’s her soulmate. But when everything is brought to the light, what price will she have to pay to navigate her newfound “happiness”? How long will it last?

A coming-of-age story.

I honestly died at the cursive ‘favorite part’ :joy: That honestly made me giggle. I don’t know if that was meant to be funny-ish but it was. Maybe because of how I read it in my head.

I’m super bad at critiquing, so I’m not tearing anything apart. But I like it! It’s mysterious and intriguing, bringing a, “Ooooo what’s gonna happen?” It’s fascinating.


My blurb was written by my friend Raven Mera, and I edited a little bit myself.

This is my blurb for Investigation in Nottingham

Autistic Thurid Sevriens has trouble comprehending her grandmother’s aversion to her fascination with Avery Norcova, a deceased actor whose kindness and talent while alive made him loved by millions. After yet another fight with her grandmother, the deceased actor’s spirit has had enough.

Taking her under his wing in the astral plane, he takes her to medieval Nottingham, England where they were going to spend time together and avoid much contact with people. Unfortunately, the Sheriff’s mother is murdered at that point in time, unbeknownst to Avery before he took her. The good thing about the murder? It keeps them busy and keeps her from thinking about the bad in the wake world. The bad thing about it, however? It created a danger where they could be caught in the middle and hurt.

As if the Astral danger is not enough, the waking world is not much better. There are more problems than just a non-supportive grandmother that hounds Thurid, such as magical powers she’s pretty sure she’s not supposed to have and the feeling her body is not the one she should have been born with.

Coincidence? She doesn’t think so.

It wasn’t intended to be, but now that you’ve pointed it out, I had a good giggle too! :sweat_smile: :rofl:

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Honestly I like your description, of I’m probably gonna sound really nitpicky.

-> Is there a specific reason you immediately inform the audience the MC is autistic?
-> Instead of “the deceased actor’s spirit has had enough”, I think you can replace it with “his spirit has had enough.”
-> I feel like you tell us a lot of plot elements in the description. I think if you cut out some of it, but instead do something like “After the sheriff’s mother was murdered, they realized the danger that was approaching from all different sides”, then explaining the astral danger vs real world danger briefly.

Honestly though I’m very intrigued by your story and am interested in it. :o

My excerpt:

Jackson stared at Emmett for a few moments before forcing out an awkward chuckle. “Um, that’s one way to introduce yourself.”

“Buddy, I was suddenly teleported here by a guy that looks like the star of a shit kids cartoon.” He said, gritting his teeth. “Any information you can give me so I don’t lose my fucking mind for what feels like the fiftieth time in the span of a day would be swell.”

~

After a god-being showed up in the dreams of logic-minded Emmett Callahan, it’s safe to say that his life is going to get a little more interesting. Especially since he didn’t believe in gods, but has apparently been claimed as a member of the ‘zodiac’. Doesn’t help that he has to talk to other kids in an attempt to figure out what’s going on, or that some of the gods are very pushy with their beliefs of what Emmett should be.

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LOL being nit picky is fine. TBH you had two people working on one blurb so part of it might be weird lmfao.

Honestly I wanted it to be known that the MC is autistic because it’s a main thing in the story. :slight_smile: If that makes sense.

I did edit a little bit <3 Thank you for the feedback!

That’s understandable, and no problem!!

I can see what you mean regarding the two people thing; would it be better if I just make it the bottom part to prevent confusion? :o

I dunno. I meant on my blurb for the two people. LOL. Rip me.

Oops, no worries!! :>

It’s okay. TYSM for all the comments omfgs <3

No problem!! I really like your book so far. :smiley:

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Tysm! I’m so glad you like it! :grin: :grin:

I see a pattern of you describing your characters. Instead of telling the audience how awkward a chuckle was, or how logic-minded Emmett is, try to show it with actions. Show, don’t tell.
Also your sentences seem to be quite long, try to vary their length. It will read more naturally.

Here is my description of a story I’m writing:

Flying cargo planes are one of the only places where Aaron can find solitude from others. Left alone to his thoughts, he questions the nature of fate. Are you in control of it? Who decides it? Can you change it? Unknown to Aaron, answers lie in a box he is currently delivering.

Thank you for the tips! I edited it a bit, and hope it sounds a bit clearer:

Jackson stared at Emmett for a few moments. Then he cleared his throat and forced out a chuckle. “Um, that’s one way to introduce yourself.”

“Buddy, I was suddenly teleported here by a guy that looks like the star of a shit kids cartoon.” Emmett said, gritting his teeth. "Any information you can give me would be swell.”

~

After a god-being showed up in the dreams of Emmett Callahan, it’s safe to say that his life is going to get a little more interesting. He refuses to believe in gods and even consider their existence. He also has been claimed as a member of the ‘zodiac’. Doesn’t help that he has to talk to other kids. He has to figure out what’s going on, eventually. The gods aren’t helping, either.

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Actually yeah it does! I’m surprised how much better the first sentence sounds.

:smiley: I’m happy it sounds better. The book itself is a WIP/first draft mode, so I’ll definitely keep your tips in my for future chapters and when I look over old ones. Thank you so much!!

Glad to help. It would be great if you could give your opinion/critique of a description I’ve written for my story :slight_smile:

Sure!

I like it, but I feel like it’s too short. I feel like I’d wanna know just a little more about the MC, and their connection with planes before getting into their questions regarding fate.

Yeah I didn’t like the sudden jump too, I’ll try to improve it, thanks

No problem. :>

Oh wow, the last post for this was almost two months ago! It looks like the last blurb got thoroughly critiqued, but nobody posted a new one for others to critique yet. So, I just rewrote the blurb for my memoir. I looked up some tips on how to write a blurb for a memoir, and some of the advice was to do it in third person even though it’s about me. Here’s what I came up with:

Kari Rakitan is married with two lovers and a dead boyfriend. How does her husband feel about this? What is it like being polyamorous? In a nutshell: awesome!

Unfortunately, Kari had some nasty experiences with coworkers when she was twenty. This gave rise to her present pen name. While she remains secretive about her legal identity due to employment concerns, she has found acceptance among her family and friends.

Kari also has a huge crush on a certain anime character known as Seto Kaiba. She wrote some stories about him several years ago. Now that she’s over thirty, she’s caught the fanfic flu again and started writing “Kaiba’s Prostitute.” This time, she’s also fallen for Seto’s brother Mokuba. Now, if only her husband’s brother would give her a chance . . .

Join the author on her journey through life and find out what pearls of wisdom she has to offer!