Good descriptions, you make it easy to visualize the scene. The little additives are what really make it hook you in, like “split lips” and “blistering shoes”. You don’t belabor the descriptions with flowery language, which wouldn’t work for this kind of story judging by this snippet, but you make the reader see the scene play out like a movie. My only criticism is watch your punctuation. Nothing to worry about, though – that will get fixed as you go through the drafting process.
This is the very beginning of the story:
It was a brisk day, the kind where an open window could cause a chill down to your bones. But Mr. Raven was too distracted to notice that his office window had come a bit ajar, allowing a strand of that chilly air to curl inside and worm its way towards him. He did not notice as it circled him, causing the skin on the back of his neck to erupt in goose bumps. He also did not notice when the office door opened and a voice called his name.
“Goodness, Cirius, have you gone deaf?” Two hands came down onto his desktop, jarring him from his deep reverie.
“My apologies, Mr. Roberts,” he said as he quickly began organizing the various piles of papers upon his desk.
Mr. Roberts shook his head, wisps of his black hair coming free of the loose ponytail that held his long tresses. “There’s really no need for the formalities, Cirius. You’ve been in my employ now…goodness, how many years has it been?”
“Four years and eight months, Sir,” Mr. Raven replied without hesitation.
Mr. Roberts raised a thin brow at him. “How time flies…speaking of time.” He tapped the gold watch on his wrist. “I believe you’ve lost track of it again, unless you meant to work until eight o’clock.”