Critique of the Supernatural by @Chaunalea
Love the genre that you write in. Mysteries and crime novels tend to be my favourite.
I don’t think you need the description of your main character so early on. You should use your first chapter to establish the setting and the narrative voice.
I enjoy the use of first-person and I like the main characters voice. I don’t like the use of exclamation points in the descriptions. That’s just a personal preference.
Your pacing is quite fast. You’re giving the reader a lot of information to process in the first two chapters. I understand that you have to set the scene, but consider telling us more information about the characterization first.
I think that you can take out a few of the ‘I thought’, ‘I saw’, ‘I know’ at the beginnings of your sentences. We know that your character is thinking or seeing memories because it is told from a first person perspective. For example, ‘I began to think about the quotations and poetry I will write in this room.’
Try instead, ‘The quotations and poetry I will write in this room.’
Another note, a lot of redundancy in your writing like ‘warm heat’, you don’t need warm, your readers know heat is warm. And another, ‘The media was all over that hot story like white on rice on nearly every news network.’
You don’t need media and news network. Try instead ‘The media was all over the hot story like white on rice.’
I think if you trimmed up some of the redundancies and developed your characters a bit more you could have a really interesting story on your hands! You need to separate yourself from the pack. Avoid cliches.
Keep working on it! You’ve got the base, the rock, now polish it!