Critiques from an English Teacher [Paused]

feedback-offered

#1

Hi guys,

I know that their are a lot of people out here looking for critique and feedback on their stories and I’d like to help out with that a bit. I am an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher and a writer. I have a good grasp on how stories should be structured and how to make them publishable.
I will read the first five chapters of your story and provide you with critique.
If you’d like your story critiqued, please put the password ‘sunflower’ somewhere in your post.
If you’d like your story critiqued, I ask that, if you have the time, to read my two stories I have posted on Wattpad. You don’t need to do this, it would just be nice to reciprocate.

The first is ‘the Resemblance’, a work in progress psychological thriller. Please consider this story is for MATURE READERS only. It deals with adult themes and violence.
https://www.wattpad.com/story/157255916-the-resemblance

The second is ‘the Skip Premise’, a Sci-fi completed story.
https://www.wattpad.com/story/149263430-the-skip-premise-watty’s-2018-longlist

And provide the following information:

Author:
Book Title:
Link to story:
Synopsis (Optional):
Password:

Please bear in mind, I will share my honest opinions and feedback. I won’t coddle you but I will hopefully provide you with something constructive.

If you’d like your critique via private message, please let me know!


#2

Author: Leighyeann A. Mies (my alternate account @leighyeann)
Book Title: The Voice
Link to story: https://my.w.tt/2oCqZIvwpS
Synopsis (Optional): it’s the story of 18 guys and girls in their early to mid/late 20s who, in order to escape a dull, horrific house, have to tell stories in order to avoid the Voice’s fury and therefore being washed out of that place
Password: sunflower


#3

Author: @lethargicluv
Book Title: Despondent
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/168907190-despondent
Synopsis (Optional): He didn’t do relationships, and she’s never been out of her gilded cage.
Password: sunflower

I’ll take a look at your Sci-fi story because I’m not so great at reading thrillers. I get scared too easily. I just thought I should mention that my story is written in short prose and reading an odd number of chapters may not be the best idea as they chapters are structured to be in pairs.


#4

Accepted. Added to list.


#5

Accepted. Added to list.
Thanks! I understand that thrillers aren’t for everyone.


#6

Thx


#7

Thank you :slight_smile:


#8

Author: @summerincarnated
Book Title: The Essence Of The Equinox
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/154851734-the-essence-of-the-equinox
Synopsis (Optional): High fantasy story with political themes.
Password: sunflower


#9

Author: @infiorescent
Book Title: What the Morning Brings
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/166826871-what-the-morning-brings-nanowrimo2018
Synopsis: Ori is an average small-town boy. Or so he thought, until a strange circus appears in his backyard. He meets Blithe, a golden and guileful acrobat who immediately draws Ori in. Accepting her invitation to join the Cirque de Reverie, he is swept up in a whirlwind of wonder. Unbeknownst to him, the circus is not what it seems, and something dark lurks beneath its golden surface.

Two sisters, as opposite as light and dark but as close as the moon and the stars. When one runs away, leaving the younger sister heartbroken, she grapples with the grief and secrets her sister left behind. Something tugs on her heart, forcing her to follow in her sister’s steps, and it is up to her to find a way to save her before it’s too late. But in a circus that thrives on magic, mystery, and manipulation, that task might just be monumental.
Password: sunflower


#10

Author: C.L. Smith

Book Title: The Collided World

Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/152958020-the-collided-world

Synopsis (Optional): hey called it the Great Collide, although it was not so much a collision of worlds, but a fusion of them. Earth, and The unknown planet came together from two separate dimensions of reality. The collective scientific minds of the old world would have called this an alternate reality, or perhaps a parallel universe, but to what became of mankind, these old world concepts were as useless as paper currency, and reality television. Now, the world was new again, undiscovered, and feral, and the remnants of both civilizations, Human, and those from the other place were left to fend for themselves against the wilderness of this new collided world.

Password: Sunflower


#11

Accepted! Added to list.


#12

Accepted and added!


#13

Accepted and added. :slight_smile:


#14

Author: @Chaunalea

Book Title: The Supernatural

Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/47428737-the-supernatural

Synopsis (Optional): Waxahachie, Texas, 1970: a woman brutally murders her cheating husband, his mistress, and her two kids, before killing herself. Flash forward to the 1990s. A new family moves into the murder house.

Paula Harris is determined to start a new life with her family in Waxahachie. The realtor and neighbors warn Paula and her husband of the tragedy and rumored hauntings, but they write off the stories as small-town gossip and move in any way.

Weeks later, evil spirits torment them. It starts with voices, footsteps, shadows, and progresses to apparitions of the murder victims. During the day, the home sits quiet and peaceful, but at night the evil spirits possess one of Paula’s children. The family is horrified when the evil spirits try to kill them. The matriarch of the spirit family transports Paula to 1970 to witness the long-ago murders.

Through painstaking research, Paula learns that every family who has ever lived in the home has either fled in terror or mysteriously disappeared. Unable to leave because the evil spirits attached themselves to her family, Paula desperately tries to destroy them and rid the house of their presence. She knows that if she fails, her family will die.

Password: sunflower


#15

Approved and added to list!


#16

Thank you!


#17

Critique of The Voice by Leighyeann A. Miles:

I personally don’t care for all of the introduction at the beginning, the character gifs, the posters. That’s just a personal preference.

I think you have some great descriptions. You have very emotional writing, you can feel it through the page. Be careful of your use of passive voice. Be confident in what you want to say.
I’m a little confused about the narrative voice. I think you need to clarify who is telling the story, if its you as an author, remember that you are all-knowing. You know what’s going to happen and what has happened.

There are too many characters. I find it really difficult to keep track of who is who. If you introduce your characters a bit more slowly it might make it easier for the reader.

I love the aspect of story-telling within a story. That’s very creative and poetic.
‘feeling an unbearable chill that makes her teeth clash against one another’ - I enjoyed that line.

Overall, I think you have a really good start with description and a creative premise. But, too many characters and grammatical mistakes cause it to read a bit clunky. Keep at it! You’ve got a great start.


#18

Title: Adventures of Prince Vajendra

Genre: Fantasy

Blurb:
Meet Prince Vajendra, aka the so-called spiritual Rishi of the continent of Vishaputra, a flat earth. He’s a man not interested in saving the world, but having his own adventures. A man that can talk with Gods, deal with flying airships, throw exploding bombs into the air. He must retrieve the powers that an evil Pharoah, named Nahakasha has taken from him. This story goes into a series of episodic sub-plots more than an overarching story.

Which chapter: 1 for start, see how you like it!

**Link:**https://www.wattpad.com/story/169477580-the-adventures-of-prince-vajendra

In terms:

Give your honest reaction, did it pull you, do put in reactions, like what you comment I mean do everything you would. Basically like reading a novel - what do you think of it?

Password: sunflower


#19

Author: AnneMcKae
Book Title: Haunted Rayne
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/161858036-haunted-rayne
Synopsis (Optional): A young murderer with amnesia enrolls in a reform school exclusively for wealthy teens. This steep tuition pays to clean records and erase evidence of heinous pasts. There’s only one problem: The campus is haunted.
Password: Sunflower


#20

Not accepted. Please read the first post. Thank you.