Critiques from an English Teacher [Paused]

feedback-offered

#41

Critique of the Supernatural by @Chaunalea

Love the genre that you write in. Mysteries and crime novels tend to be my favourite.

I don’t think you need the description of your main character so early on. You should use your first chapter to establish the setting and the narrative voice.

I enjoy the use of first-person and I like the main characters voice. I don’t like the use of exclamation points in the descriptions. That’s just a personal preference.

Your pacing is quite fast. You’re giving the reader a lot of information to process in the first two chapters. I understand that you have to set the scene, but consider telling us more information about the characterization first.

I think that you can take out a few of the ‘I thought’, ‘I saw’, ‘I know’ at the beginnings of your sentences. We know that your character is thinking or seeing memories because it is told from a first person perspective. For example, ‘I began to think about the quotations and poetry I will write in this room.’
Try instead, ‘The quotations and poetry I will write in this room.’

Another note, a lot of redundancy in your writing like ‘warm heat’, you don’t need warm, your readers know heat is warm. And another, ‘The media was all over that hot story like white on rice on nearly every news network.’
You don’t need media and news network. Try instead ‘The media was all over the hot story like white on rice.’

I think if you trimmed up some of the redundancies and developed your characters a bit more you could have a really interesting story on your hands! You need to separate yourself from the pack. Avoid cliches.

Keep working on it! You’ve got the base, the rock, now polish it!


#42

Now accepting applications for the critique list! I’m trying to get through these as quick as possible and trying not to have more than 10 sitting in my list at one time. Remember, the less I write for your story, the better, that means it didn’t need a lot of help.

If you are interested in having me read and critique your story, please follow the directions in the first post.


#43

Author: Ann
Book Title: A world of shadows and mirrors
Link to story: Can’t put in a link yet, since I’m new here. But you can find it in my stories, if you want to…
Synopsis (Optional): Darkness has been in Enia’s family, she has always known this. But little did she know which secrets they’ve always kept from her. That stopped when a stranger attacks the only home she has ever known. Enia is forced to choose: flight or fight? Does she have what it takes to survive the darkness and the madness within?
Password: Sunflower


#44

If I could get my critique via PM that would be awesome :slight_smile:

Thank you so much for your consideration! (P.S. my story swears if you’re okay with that!)


#45

Accepted and added to list.


#46

Accepted and added to list! I will send your critique via PM.
No problem with swears! I prefer adult content haha


#47

Can I submit another request?


#48

Wow, that was better than I thought it would be lol. I suffer from serious self doubt, but thank you that’s so encouraging. I sort of subscribe to the idea of subjective usage of commas as opposed to technical usage. I tend to write as if I’m sitting in the room with the reader telling them the story, so I throw commas in there whenever I take a breath essentially lol.


#49

Author: Nikki (@bubblenikki)
Book Title: When I Sleep…I Dream of Mars
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/161172860-when-i-sleep-i-dream-of-mars
Synopsis: Rayne wakes up not knowing who she is, or where she is. She comes across a man claiming to be her boyfriend, even though she swears she’s never seen him before. She then learns that the mother she doesn’t remember is dead, and her killer is still on the loose. How will Rayne deal with unfamiliar love and drama?
Password: sunflower

I will definitely read your stories! Thanks so much in advance :slight_smile:


#50

Accepted and added to list!


#51

Critique of Haunted Rayne by AnneMcKae

Love the prologue. Pulls you in right away and captures the readers attention.

Keep working on eliminating some adverbs. You have great descriptions, try to think about how you could provide the reader with imagery without the use of ‘-ly’ words. For example, ‘Rayne answered stiffly.’ Try instead, ‘Rayne answered. She stiffened.’

Really enjoy this genre. Your prose flows easily. You have an established character with Rayne, I really like the way she speaks.

Be careful with your narrative voice, is it told via third person omniscient? Meaning you, the author, knows everything about all of the characters thoughts and feelings. Or is it told via third person limited? Meaning the author only knows the thoughts and feelings of the main character, Rayne.

There is a lot of switching between third person limited it seems. It goes from Rayne, to Dorian, to Officer Scott and then, back to Rayne. I understand that you want to set the scene, but it makes things a little confusing for the reader.

‘He could still smell the saccharine fragrance steaming off the apple pie he’d been carrying that night, and he could still remember the bitter moment its aroma fused with the iron stench of blood.’ - Love that line and the imagery it evokes.

Really good start. I love the premise and your prose. You have a gift in being able to pull emotion and reactions from readers. Keep going, please!


#52

Author: Jenna R. Bloom
Book Title: Beast within the Beauty
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/168308142-beast-within-the-beauty-a-beauty-and-the-beast

Synopsis (Optional):

A Beauty and the Beast Retelling.

Annually, a fair maiden is sacrificed to the Beast that lurks in his castle hidden in the woods. The maiden is chosen to be sent to him as his faithful bride. She is to be his in mind, body, and soul until she falls dead at his feet.

Ismae LaBelle steps forward as the Beast’s next victim. However, she has no desire to be his little obedient wife. Ismae only has knives up her sleeves and she is prepared to do whatever it takes to befall her husband.

Even if it means killing him.

Password: sunflower :sunflower:


#53

Critique of Adventures of Prince Vajendra by @wandering1234

Not my personal favourite genre but seems like an interesting concept! I don’t see a lot of fantasy stories told via first person perspective.

There are some formatting errors and awkward sentences. For example, ‘Bustling markets and huge temples. Same as I had been everywhere else in this world.’ This sentence doesn’t make sense. Do you mean that everywhere else in this world has bustling markets and huge temples?
I would recommend reading your story out loud to yourself, it can help fix these types of errors.

I found this very difficult to read. The formatting of the dialogue is not what would be considered ‘publishable.’ I understand if its a stylistic choice but it makes things very confusing for the reader.

‘blind loyalty is just as deceptive as dishonesty.’ - Really enjoy that line and perspective! It gives us insight into the character.

I think, overall, you need to read and write more. Practice, practice, practice. I think you are very creative and have a very interesting story but you need to learn more about the formatting of novels. Please keep writing!


#54

Accepted and added to list!


#55

I agree, this novel is not about to be published for a long time. I am ESL, so just as in the same boat. There is too much to write and that I will do.

I use UK grammar and spelling hence that might have been confusing. But I will work nonetheless.

Could you post your review on my book as a comment? Is that allowed? Thanks


#56

Author: Jodi Layne
Book Title: Blame the goddess
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/166762033-blame-the-goddess
Synopsis (Optional): Meet Callum ‘Cal’ Yorke an omega, a hybrid of the Elders and humans, who after much physical and emotional abuse and pain decided to bypass his goddess and change his destiny with the help of a god. Cal dares to forge a new way for his wolf and himself, changing the status quo along the way. Cal has had enough and is daring to go head to head with the Moon goddess. But what can a lowly human do in a fight for all with a goddess, unless the human brings in a god as an ally…let the fight for Cal’s life and loves begin.
Password: ‘sunflower’


#57

This is exactly what I need! I am an ESL myself and I don’t really see the mistakes I make in my writing, so if you can check it out it would be amazing! If possible I’d like to get my critique as a PM :heart:


#58

Accepted and added to the list!


#59

Accepted and added! I will send your critique via a PM.


#60

Thank you!