Thanks! I already had it figured out that the mom was an alien and came to the setting as an immigrant, then married the dad, and had Matt. I’ve also been considering your second idea, where Matt had immigrated when he was younger. Thoughts, anyone?
Critiques, prompts, and friends (hopefully) (not very timely, but free and as helpful as I can make it) CLOSED BECAUSE OF A WEIRD GLITCH THAT”S JUST TOO ANNOYING FOR ME TO DEAL WITH RN
PAWPRINTS 1 by @A-fluffy-cat
P1: Great descriptive language! I especially enjoyed the extra details of the naural stream and the use of the word “myriad”. It’s a really long sentence though, and I’d consider splitting it off into sentence fragments. The way it is distracts from the topic and I almost forgot what all your great imagery was even describing (the Sun). I’d personally do it like this(not that you should feel any pressure to): “The Sun was shining for the first time in weeks. Shining behind a very thin, white layer of clouds. Shining over the green landscapes of Bozeman, Montana…” And you get the idea.
P2: “Nathan Campbell, who happened to live in this town, was finally out after a while.” I like your casual who-just-happened-to-live-here tone as it’s pretty original, but I feel like it may just be too casual, and so it disrupts the flow just a tad. The last part of the sentence was a little oddly worded, and it leaves me wondering where he was out to. How long was a while? “Finally” is kind of definitive, like it’s a little climactic, but what’s so significant about Nathan being “out”?
“He used to share the house with two other males and his girlfriend, if she could be called that, but now that she had left and the guys had moved to a bigger city, he found himself alone.” “The guys” is pretty informal, and so I think they are or at the very least were friends, but “two other males” is pretty much the opposite. From my own experience, I think you may have just tried a tad too hard to use more formal wording, whic left it sounding a little stuffy. I do like the tone and style the background info was presented in, even though I wouldn’t be able to figure it out for the life of me. The info about the girlfriend left behind a nice air of mystery and intrigue. If it’s foreshadowing something, which I think it is, it seems like it will do its job well.
“No that he wasn’t used to being alone, he had left his parents home after dropping college and he was used to his ex cooming and going as she pleased.” To start off, let’s get some grammar nitpicking out of the way: “No that” —> “Not that” (I’m sure you caught it as soon as you read it somewhere other than your story. We can just get really used to the way our work looks, whic is fine and why editors and critiques are things people have). After the first part, you should use a dash (-) or a semicolon (;), and youi can google the reasons because I can’t explain them well enough and I’ll probably just confuse you. “Parents home” —> “parents’ home”. Now that that little bit is done, I overall really liked this sentence. The background info is thrown in with enough flow that it doesn’t feel like you just stuffed it in, and, again, the info about the ex really makes me want to know more. My only problem, if it can even be called that, is “parent’s home” doesn’t flow 100%, since you hear (insert person)’s house in life more than (insert person)’s home, but it doesn’t really matter all that much.
P3: I generally enjoy the little insight into Nathan’s thoughs and feeling, an there was a nice development from when he was just some guy “who happened to live in his town.” Nitpick: “whenever he had some free time he would walk” —> “whenever he had some free time, he would walk”. K, back to other things. While the insight to his life is nice, the second sentence gets long-winded. It’s not technically run-on as far as I can tell, but really long or short sentences can interupt the flow. Good job on making sure Nathan is a fully developed character! Of course, I can’t really tell yet, but the bad habit of weed shows that he has flaws like a normal human, which is something a lot of Wattpad characters (not all, or even most, just a lot) lack.
P4: Love it! Great transition, nice flow with a cool list-ish-kind-of-not-really format in the first sentence, great use of contrast between senses to describe the setting and transition into seing the “patch of cream yellow hair”, nice description of said cream yellow hair; I love it. Nitpick: depending on your preferences, you may want “cream-yellow” or “creamy yellow” or even “creamily yellow” instead of “cream yellow”.
P5: It’s absolutely fine as is and it does well to move the story along, but I think it may make it a little more dramatic and help readers connect with Nathan to make this part alittle choppier, if that makes sense. I also feel like there is some sort of possibility for more figurative language here, not that you’re lacking. Example: “F***! He thought, hiding the lighter in his pocket once again. The last thing he wanted was trouble. However, the more he stared at it, the more he realized the figure wouldn’t move.” ——> “F***! He thought. He hid the lighter in his pocket once again. The last thing he wanted was trouble. But the more he stared, the more he realized the blond/blonde head wouldn’t be moving anytime soon.”
P5-6: Not much to critique, they do well to move the story along and P6 is nice and dramatic
Starting to realize that this format is quite tedious. I’ll do the rst of the chapter as more of an overview (with specific examples, of course)
Sorry that’s it not done, but I thought I’d have free time, but I have about a third of the amount I thought I’d have beause m parents are trying to make sure last few days of winter break are enjoyed. I appreciate it, but it’ll put a dent in my critiquing. Plus, I don’t want to overwhelm you with opinions XD I’ll make sure to come back and edit in the rest of your critique. I didn’t want to (completely) leave you hanging. Maybe I can squeeze in another paragragh or two later today; who knows? Anyway, Hope what I’ve done so far is at all helpful and not too harsh or anything.
What's your favourite writing prompt?
I think I might be able to do the 5 if you give me till some time around mid-February. If that’s too long, I can just do one or two. Sorry for the late reply, btw
Take your time. There’s really no hurry at all.
Quick question: is there anything about my style of critiquing that you thnk can be improved upon based on what I’ve done of A-fluffy-cat’s critique. No need to answer, I just want to make sure I don’t do anything you don’t want, and A-fluffy-cat kind of said I was free to do whatever, but I don’t know if you have any preferences, and I don’t want this to be a waste of your time
Well I don’t know really give your thoughts I guess - if you want to know how to critique my work - Here’s what I’m looking for.
If I had any suggestions - make sure you spot out the vital mistakes. Many times I’ve written sentences that won’t make sense - so that’s always a given. I could write sentence the - etc. A and with are missing.
Expand on scenes - do you feel scenes are rushed - how could that be improved? What POV can be given to a character that you connected with and what would work?
Story - is it connecting, does it make you laugh cry or joy?
Everybody likes lengthy feedback - its fun
Apart from that I don’t know!
Hi there, I tried to start the critique for your story, but I can’t get the link to work. Do you think you can resend it?
hi! I would love a critique. is there a specific form I need to use, though?
Nope! I just need the link to your story and which chapters you would like critiqued so I can put the appropriate info onto the Feb queue, and the March queue too if you have a lot of chapters you want critiques for
Be warned: I’m still figuring out a critique format that works for me, so it may be formatted a bit weird
Here is my prompt:
I’m going to go Alternate History here if you don’t mind me doing so. This is the Egyptians ruling the new city of North America.
Right I’ve finally managed to get something tell me what you think
Ahamat, warrior of the Nile and saviour of the two lands walked slowly while the sun dawned upon him. The great warrior had arrived two weeks ago from the trireme that had set sail out of Carthage. This land was strange. It was unique. Beautiful. A haunting landscape of marvellous creation that only the Gods could have created. The natives had fought back when they realised that many races from all over the world had come to settle. Soon, they began to appericate the Egyptian style of ruling. Ahamat was glad of that for sure. Fights often occurred as new powers stepped onto this bustling continent.
I reall loved your descriptive language, and congrats on your creativity in changing the setting even though the prompt was a picture of a setting, yet still staying true to the prompt(even though it may be a good idea to describe this setting just a teensy more)! One thing I’d suggest is elaborating more towards the end, as it started to feel a little bit like you were just trying to teach me info instead of showing me a story. For example, why’d they appreciate the Egyptian rule? What was this rule like? Who were the fights between? How did these fights affect the people? Just a few extra details can go a long way. But on the extra details note, you did wonderfully providing extra details on Ahamat in the beginning, and it was a great way to both hook the reader and introduce a character.
My rant about how people give feedback.
Thank you very much!
Yes I fully agree and will do so.
Glad I could help!
how are you?
ok, but for some reason, my teachers chose today to throw a houseful of homework at me
sorry, I have no home work PARTY