👍 Eliza E's Reviews (Round 1 - Closed) - One REVIEW Over the Cuckoo's Nest 🐦

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#21

Hello there! I don’t know if you remember me but I do believe I’ve reviewed your story before, a Star Wars fan fic if I remember correctly… if not ignore this whole spiel.

I’d appreciate it if you could look over my latest new fantasy project “The Blood of Queens” and let me know what you think. Also, seeing as I’ve written a 3 part, one page analysis (assuming I’m remembering the right person and story), let me know if there’s something else you’d like an inline comment for.

Your Name- Andyjo1
Story Title- “The Blood of Queens”
Genre- fantasy
Description- Alex has fought an uphill battle his whole life. Not only is he a man in a woman’s world, he’s an illegitimate half blood as well. Still, he’s managed to scrape himself through the ranks to become a Black Knight of the Angleyan Empire, the most prestigious military rank a bastard with non Angleyan ancestry could hope for. And not a moment too soon, because war looms on the horizon with the massive Dannic Federation. The Dans would like nothing more than to eradicate every last soul with Angleyan blood, half bloods included. Even if he couldn’t care less for the safety of an ungrateful nation, Alex will have to take up his sword against this genocidal enemy if he wants any chance of maintaining his fragile right to life in a merciless world.
Number of Chapter (5 Max): 5
Link-
https://www.wattpad.com/story/170452706-the-blood-of-queens


#22

No worries! And yes it is aye, Eliza! Thank you so much for your feedback. And I would be more than happy to return the favour.

Accepted!

Payment accepted. :grinning:


#23

Alright, done


#24

Name of Story: 8 Universal Truths to Unlock Your Inner Power
Plot: Are You Yet To Discover the Full Potential of Your Inner Power?

The universe holds the keys to some of the worlds greatest truths - and if you listen close enough the answers will unlock a new level of power within yourself. The 8 Universal Truths to Unlock Your Inner Power will discuss some of the greatest, yet most frequently asked questions about the universe in all its mystery covering the topics of…

  • Love
  • Empathy
  • Self-discovery
  • The Subconscious
  • and Self-empowerment

Through these concepts the important questions in life will be challenged including the purpose of suffering, the balance between good and bad, and the reality of religious concepts about the afterlife. These eight universal truths will guide you to a life of greater internal healing and understanding for the world we live in.

Genre: Self Help / Non fiction
Chapters: 11 (But I only need my two latest chapters reviewed which are named Divine Intelligence: What’s Your Purpose in Life? and How to Read Other People Using your Higher Power.
Ongoing/completed: Completed
Link to story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/151471789-8-universal-truths-to-unlock-your-inner-power

I understand if you don’t want to accept non-fiction but thank you anyway for considering!


#25

Elina, first of all I want to thank you for reaching out to me for feedback. But for the reasons you already outlined, I will have to decline.

It just isn’t for me. I am not really any type of authority on anything non-fiction. I am so sorry and wish you all the best.

If I may make a suggestion, ask around. I am sure there are any number of other Wattpaders that specialise in this area and I am sure they would be happy to help.

But if you ever have anything fiction. I would be more than happy to help you out.

Again so sorry!


#26

It’s up now. Sorry it took so long and sorry if I’ve kept you up…


#27

All good, I am about to finish my first full review and then I will return to complete yours.


#28

170445119-352-k793650
Macabre Marmalade - written by @Snirion aka Lewis I.G. Walter

For many, myself included, elves and magic is something that they find irresistibly intriguing. So you can imagine my excitement when I was tasked with reading the “Science Fantasy” story from @Snirion. So can Macabre Marmalade live up to my expectations. My opinion is mixed.

But before I begin I would like to point out that this review is only of the first 4 chapters that were available at the time and may not be an accurate depiction or review of the finished product. And these are my personal opinions, all of which I am entitled to.

So without further ado, let’s dig in.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:Plot

The story is set three hundred years after the Knitting of the Realms, a mysterious event that brought about the return of magic as well as creatures like elves and alike. The protagonist is a human (or an Apeling, as the elves call them) named Todor Corpus. Todor is a co-owner of a video game studio as well as a college graduate who specialises in history. One Friday night, Todor was driving home from work, excited about a weekend at home playing his favourite video game. He notices something is wrong and before long Todor’s world is into a merged with that of Orcs and Elves. But unlike the majority of humanity, Todor is teleported 293 years into the future of this merged world.

All of this is told to us as Todor reminiscences about the events that took place seven years ago. So in the space of a few paragraphs we have traveled 300 years into the future, into a mixed up world with Elves (Anadori), Orcs (Morgs) and magic. And this is where the majority of my complaints about the plot lie.

We are not given any time to see Todor in his normal life, at his job, or with his neighbour and her cat or his dependency and obsession on the Internet or his relationship with his estranged family.

Nor are we given any time to grieve with him as his entire world is destroyed. We don’t get to see his initial reactions to the colossal mess the world has become after merging with two other worlds. It is mentioned in passing that his family and friends and everyone he loved, along with 98% of humanity was transitioned into this world on the day of the Knitting, 300 years ago and are long since dead. And instead of seeing him deal with this or even discover this, we are shoved 7 years into the future after he has dealt with all and has moved on. But I digress.

So after 7 years in this merged world, Todor apparently only really misses one thing about the old world. The Internet. So it has become his Onodori (life’s purpose/motivation) to restore the internet. (More on this later.) But unfortunately we don’t really see him do anything about it. Rather it is just told to us that he can’t do it alone, so now he isn’t really doing anything about it. Instead he goes about his monotonous life in this merged world.

But this is where one of this story’s strongest aspects can be found. The world. By bringing elements of Orcs, Elves and Magic into present day, the author has created a unique and intriguing world(as far as I have ever read or seen). It left me wanting so much more and I wished so much that we could delve deeper into it.

However I do wish that this exposition was handled better. I understand that the author may be trying keep some mystery, but surely in the seven years that Todor has spent in this world, he would have learnt some of this lore himself without everyone he meets telling him some vague details about the past.

Maybe it is because I just want more information about this unique world and situation that has bee crafted. And wanting more, can’t be a bad thing (unless it is my weakness, cookies).

I don’t want to spoil any more of the plot, so I won’t go into to much more detail, but suffice it to say, part four was a highpoint for me. This is where I felt the plot really moving. Part 4 is when I felt the story really kick into gear for me. I think I can see where we are going and I like it. Plot wise, this is high point, so far.

Plot Score:

6/10 - Some early low points stop me from rating this higher, but Part 4 alone is worth a higher rating alone.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Characters

My initial thoughts of the protagonist, Todor, are also mixed. I like the name. Todor Corpus. The name, much like the world that has been crafted, is unique. But other than that, I feel like this character is more of a prop than a credible person. My biggest problem with this character is his initial motivation, his obsession with restoring the internet. I find unbelievable, especially when, in the story, 98% of humanity has lived in a world without it, fine for 300 years. It just feels like a distinctly first-world problem in an almost post apocalyptic, war torn environment.

His dialogue for the most part is fine, and I do like the brief glimpses we get into his psyche, but they are just that, brief.

He seems to spend the majority of these chapters moping about, either angry with something at work or the lack of internet. And I found this difficult to like. However in Part 4, I saw the possibility of a new motivation, one that I find much more believable. I hope that this story thread is picked up in the future.

The stronger characters are the two supporting characters, Irrindonila/Irry and Malabahtorh/Mab.

I found Irry cute and charming. The way she acted felt like a person would. There was also a description of what she looked like for me to imagine. (Four chapters and there is no description of the main character. No discernable features are mentioned. In my mind I imagine he either looks like a Ken doll or The Question. (Super nerdy, I know))

The same goes for Mab. He is quirky. Quirky is interesting and, I feel more strongly about his motivation, than I do for Todor’s quest to restore the internet. I also love the way he talks. Paired with the image I have of him in mind, that of a short seven year old, his dialogue is quite funny. It make me feel like he has a real voice, that he is a real person.

Characters score:

3/10 - Although the supporting characters are good, we will be spending the majority of our time the main character. I hope some of the elements laid out in Part 4 come to fruition, as this would result in more character development and thus strengthen this element of the story.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Author’s Style

Initially I had a hard time understanding what was happening, but after I made it through these first few parts, I found that just like the other aspects of this novel I have mentioned, I get significantly better in part 4. The story is written in 3rd person and in past tense. There are a number of grammatical errors, some of which are a result of several re-edits but overall, I could read and understand the story being told.

Additionally, in parts 3 and 4, @Snirion has created some truly beautiful passages of description, all of which I will not share, because you know, spoilers. :face_with_hand_over_mouth: You’ll just have to take my word and read it yourself.

I feel I must once again note that this story is very much still a work in progress, in both the fact that the story is yet to be complete and that these earlier chapters are also still being edited.

Author’s Style score:

6/10 - There is definitely room here for some easy improvement. After fixing some minor grammatical errors and some of earlier parts, I would be happy to rate this as high as a 8. But as it stands it is a 6.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Tone, Mood and Theme

Firstly I want to start with Mood, or atmosphere. For the earlier parts of this story, all I felt was frustrated. I didn’t know how else to feel. The protagonist goes from groaning and moaning about one thing to another. Jam, his job to the lack of internet. Maybe this what the author is going for, I am not sure. But I was glad when this changed as we got closer to part 4. The author created an emotional response in me, the audience. I was intrigued then tense and concerned. I feel like these were the responses we author’s look for, not necessarily frustration.

As for theme, it is probably to early for me to tell, unless it is really just the internet is great. Which I really hope it isn’t. So this aspect will not be assessed.

The tone was interesting. I felt the author loves two things, fantasy and the internet. And that they hate mundane work. This was expressed well and had an effect on my mood.

Theme, Mood and Tone score:

7/10 - There was nothing that elicited a strong emotional response in me, especially early on, but that was largely due to the fact that there was no emotionally driven scenes in these chapters. But at the same time it did garner an emotional response, however small, throughout.

:eight_spoked_asterisk: Overall Thoughts

  1. Did I like the story?
  • Despite its flaws, and yes there are some, just like any other story, I did like the story.
  1. What was my favorite part of the story?
  • Ezezu Kiag. I won’t say any more because I don’t want to spoil it. You’ll just have to read it yourself!
  1. Do I have a least favorite part of the story?
  • Yes. The introduction. I just found it clunky and a tad difficult to comprehend on the first read through.
  1. If I could change something, what would it be?
  • The introduction. Personally, I would probably write a prologue, showing Todor’s normal life and end it with the Knitting of the Realms. I might even remove that second time jump of seven years, but if handled correctly I see no need.
  1. Would I recommend this story to another person?
  • Yes! Of Course!
  1. What type of person would like this story?
  • Anyone who loves fantasy and the possibility of rich world building.

Overall Enjoyment score:

7/10 - If you can get past the first few parts, I think it will be worth the pay off.

Total score:

29/50 - Patchy, but not entirely without merit.


#29

Your Name: MeredithAll
Story Title: The Crime in Callahan’s Morrow
Genre: Urban Fantasy, Crime
Description: In a world so similar to ours, yet so different, supernatural creatures walk among humans. Or maybe it is the opposite - that humans walk among supernatural.
The one seemingly normal town is under attack. No guns blazing or grand spell casting. No. It’s the kidnappings, people are disappearing and no one knows who is behind it or why.
Supernatural Investigations Bureau (SIB) office branch in the town of Callahan’s Morrow has their hands full investigating the current crimes. On top of that, different prominent supernatural figures appear in the town.
The end result is chaos…a chaos in which Nicole Hallian must navigate along with her team of investigators so their town can be a safe place once more. And that turned out to be a very hard thing to do…
Number of Chapters: 5
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/147062755-the-crime-in-callahan’s-morrow

Before you start (if you accept the book :smile:) I would like to mention that this story sometimes has a problem with pov shifting which I’m aware of and working on correcting it heh


#30

All good, but I will still make a note of it in my review, just so that everyone knows. :face_with_hand_over_mouth: But I am intrigued by your description so…

Accepted!

Awaiting payment…


#31

Payment is complete :slight_smile:


#32

Payment received! I look forward to reading your story.


#33

Payment done :wink:


#34

:moneybag::+1:


#35

Heyo, I’m writing my first book and was wondering if I could get some feedback.

Name: edge_meister
Story Title: A Guide to Space, Time, and other Troubling Concepts
Genre: Random
Description: Are you looking for a book that’s funny, thoughtful, and somewhat well written? Well look no further. A Guide to Space, Time, and Other Troubling Concepts attempts to tackle the mind-boggling philosophical concepts that people have been doing for hundreds of years, but does it so that it isn’t
completely boring. Will you journey down the metaphysical rabbit hole? Or will you move on with your life, never thinking about this book again.
Number of Parts: 3 (including the introduction)
LInk: https://www.wattpad.com/669206978-a-guide-to-space-time-and-other-troubling-concepts


#36

I would love some feedback on my story!

Story Title: The Legend of the Moonflower Princess
Genre: Fantasy, Epic Fantasy
Description: Sahara is a young woman living in the kingdom of Dasos, a ward to the royal family and foster sister to the young prince Nashoba. Found in the woods with her grandmother years ago, she is shunned by others for her poor origin, scarlet red hair, and a scar that most believe to be a consequence of witchcraft. While she longs to forgo the loneliness that never seems to leave her heart, she is resigned to live out the rest of her life in unhappiness and solitude. However, when Nashoba is abruptly kidnapped by shadow-like creatures and a mysterious branded woman, she throws aside her fears in a momentousness decision to follow her brother’s abductors. Suddenly thrust into an enchanting and spectacular world, Sahara must overcome her own insecurities and trust in herself and others to save her brother from a horrendous fate.

Number of Parts: 15
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/659085416-the-legend-of-the-moonflower-princess-where-a


#37

A Super Collection of Super Hero Flash Fiction - written by @RaphaelaLee

Super Heroes are here to stay, for better or worse (better in my opinion). Whether you love them or hate them, we can all agree that there is a lot about them you can make fun of. From their, sometimes, corny origin stories to the tights and spandex. Regardless, there is a prime opportunity to really make fun of this target rich topic. That is what @RaphaelaLee has attempted to do with his new comedic superhero story. So does ASCOSHFF (as it will hence forth be referred to as, because the title is just way to long) live up to the possibilities? Meh.

But before I begin I would like to point out that this review is only of the first 3 chapters that were available at the time and may not be an accurate depiction or review of the finished product. And these are my personal opinions, all of which I am entitled to.

So without further ado, let’s dig in.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:Plot

As superhero origins go, it is original. I don’t want to spoil it, so I won’t say much. But I will say this, I am more of a fan of slow build ups with some world building. This story is very condensed. With that comes some advantages, it doesn’t take long to read, which is good for mobile readers, and the story moves at a good clip.

Otherwise, longer stories have lots of advantages. More world building, more character development, and in the case of this genre (comedy), more jokes with longer setups.

But because of this preference, that I have, I have had a hard time reviewing this story, because I don’t want to come over as super cruel.

It just feels very rushed and crammed in to me. We are given no opportunity to get to know our protagonist. Some of the plot points, that I hope were written this just for laughs, I found just plain dumb and not funny at all really. But this could just be me. Go read it yourself, let me know if you think I am wrong.

Plot Score:

3/10 - This story is probably best experienced, if you don’t think about the plot too much.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Characters

Again, I feel bad, because I cannot even remember the name of the main character. And that isn’t because it is barely mentioned, but rather because she had no real personality. The only part of personality I felt come through was when she freaks out and hugs her teddy for 2 hours. Then she does it again, in the next part. I honestly hope that a new arch nemesis is brought in and the teddy is captured/threatened. But I digress. Overall she is a prop not a person. The prop’s name was Mina Sanderson by the way (I went back to find out).

As for the side characters…there were none. Nobody else was given a name, not even the main villain.

Characters score:

0.5/10 - The teddy lifts the score.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Author’s Style

As I have said in my comments on the plot, it feels very condensed and rushed and for me, that isn’t enjoyable. I like depth, detail, characters and world building. This lacks, mostly, all of that.

I will also add that the story is written in first person. This opens up a lot of opportunities for us to find out how the protagonist is feeling, thinking etc. But this is a missed opportunity as this is never really done.

Additionally, I didn’t find it that funny. For me, the jokes didn’t really land, again, that’s just me.

Author’s Style score:

2/10 - Although it is condensed, it is fairly easy to read.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Tone, Mood and Theme

Tone - I can tell the author enjoy writing, and this joy is somewhat infectious.

Mood - It pains me to say, but this story just made me frustrated. Again, this just could me be because I focused on the lack of depth.

Theme - ??? I am thinking of removing this segment from my reviews because I am having a hard time detecting the them in such a small sample size. Let me know what you think.

Theme, Mood and Tone score:

4/10 - The author’s love for writing is evident, and that is one reason why this is so difficult.

:eight_spoked_asterisk: Overall Thoughts

  1. Did I like the story?
  • This does hurt me, but no.
  1. What was my favorite part of the story?
  • The line: “Put that on your fridge” did illicit a giggle.
  1. Do I have a least favorite part of the story?
  • Yes, the ending to part three. It just brushed over everything.
  1. If I could change something, what would it be?
  • I would stretch it out and add some more world building, some more character work and maybe even set up an arch nemesis. A hero is only as good as his/her villains.
  1. Would I recommend this story to another person?
  • It hurts so much. I doubt it… you may all lay the hate on me
  1. What type of person would like this story?
  • Someone who loves this type of silly humour.

Overall Enjoyment score:

2/10 -

Total score:

11.5/50 - The written version of an action film. Just switch of your brain and don’t think about the plot to much.


#38

Okay well I am intrigued. I will warn you though I am harsh and if I don’t find it funny, you’ll know.

Accepted!

Comments completed just waiting for follow. I think.


#39

Well you had me at epic fantasy. But I must let you know that I do a max of 5 parts in one go. However, if you like my review and find it useful I will accept a re-request. But for now only 5. If you are happy with that, go ahead and complete the payment, because I have accepted the first 5 parts.


#40

Hi! Not sure if you’re still accepting requests, but I kinda like the way that you review ^^

Your Name: @sakuryox

Story Title: Accidentally Bound

Genre: Supernatural/LGBT/General Fiction

Description:「What would you do… if you have the chance to reborn back to 10 years ago?」

Cheated, deceived and betrayed – That’s what Tang Rui felt when his lover, Qiu Sheng Yang stabbed him in the back by marrying a girl.

Yet, upon the devastation of his lover’s death, he decided to end it all to chase after him.

By strange tweak of circumstances, he was resurrected back to 10 years ago when he first met Qiu Sheng Yang in university.

Following after Qiu Sheng Yang again felt all natural to him, until the appearance of Shen Yao Fan in his new life smeared his monochromatic canvas with his shade of blue.

Number of Chapter (5 Max): 5

Link: Here

Thank you so much for offering this service regardless ^^