👍 Eliza E's Reviews (Round 1 - Closed) - One REVIEW Over the Cuckoo's Nest 🐦

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#82

Thanks for letting me know. I will have a closer look when I get to you!


#83

Hi Eliza, I made “payment” as a comment under the prologue (and followed you for future installments). Your use of language is so beautiful. Wonderfully done!

  • Sophie

#84

Completed payment just now :blush:


#85

Thanks heaps. I will adjust the opening post to reflect this as soon as I have completed my current review.


#86

Thank you! I will adjust the opening post to reflect this as soon as I have completed my current review.


#87

Will do and let you know when I am done


#88

Payment complete.


#89

:+1:


#90

Finished!


#94

So sorry about the delay people. Life has been hectic. Hopefully I am back on track now and I look forward to reading your stories.

Again SO sorry.


#95

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My review of: Descent into Madness - written by @LigerCat

Fanfiction is always a difficult subject. I know this first hand (although I don’t necessarily view my story as a fanfic). Many people here the word fanfiction and immediately think that it has been written by oversexed teenage girls writing porny and borderline illiterate stories, which are wrong morally, aesthetically and legally. But as I know this is very rarely the case. But I also know that there a reason some pieces of work that warrant this reputation. So you could imagine my initial concern over a fanfiction about Phineas and Ferb, one of my favourite cartoons. How would the characters I know and love be treated? Let’s find out!

Before I begin I would like to point out that this may not be an accurate depiction or review of the finished product at the time you read it. And these are my personal opinions, all of which I am entitled to.

So without further ado, let’s dig in.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Plot

The plot follows the two titular characters from the well known cartoon show, Phineas and Ferb. Together the two travel to a dangerous dimension, and things go bad from there as the pair encounter mysterious creature and are trapped in this dimension. Overall I thought the plot was solid. The story moves at a good clip and still is able to fit in some great description and dialogue.

I will say this however. So far, there hasn’t been anything that has made this stand out amongst, what it truly is a, a mystery/thriller. I say this because as I read this story, I don’t read it as fanfiction, I read it as a mystery/thriller whose main characters just happen to be named Phineas and Ferb (More on this later). And quite honestly about halfway through I questioned why the author chose to make this a fanfiction. Yes I understand that he/she loves the characters, but this story, I feel, doesn’t fit the Phineas and Ferb characters at all. I can’t imagine them doing any of this. So as I was reading it, I forced myself to forget everything I ever knew about the show and instead read it as just its own thing, its own story. I found this much more enjoyable.

But I do wish that the other had taken the time to separate this story from the Phineas and Ferb fandom, because at its heart this is a pretty great story.

Plot Score:

6/10 - It is a pretty good plot when viewed as a thriller/mystery. But when it is attached to Phineas and Ferb, I feel like it is a very odd mix.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Characters

The author has done a good job in recreating the way these characters speak and the quirks that they each have that make them Phineas and Ferb. But for those who have never seen the show, so further description about their appearance may be appreciated.

Characters Score:

7/10 - Recreational wise, these characters are almost perfect. But I would have still prefer original ones.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The World Building

Straight up, there isn’t much. Here more than anywhere else I feel the author may have leaned a bit to much on the belief that the reader has seen the show. And normally, I would have no qualms about that, but this story was pitched to me as and open fanfiction, meaning open to everyone including those who had never seen the show. So I viewed this part in particular as someone who knew nothing about Phineas and Ferb. So I will just outline a couple of points that may not make sense to a non-Phineas and Ferb viewer.

  • Who is Candice?
  • Why are they jumping into different universes?

That type of thing. Anyway I feel like in the small sample size I had to read from (Chapters 1-5) you do set up some hints as to a larger story as regard to the dimension around them, but in these chapters there isn’t a lot of information given.

World Building Score:

3/10 - I feel like it could be building to something more, but as it stands there are some minor details that are missed.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Author’s Style

The author’s style is simple and easy to read with only a few minor errors. But we all make them. (And if you need proof, your reading it know :face_with_hand_over_mouth:) I am no grammatical wizard so I can’t vouch on how perfect it is, but for me it was fine.

Some more vivid description and more powerful verbs could be thrown in, but otherwise it’s great.

Author’s Style score:

8/10 - Very nearly perfect in my opinion.

:eight_spoked_asterisk: The Affect

I genuinely felt scared and tense throughout this story, so much so that I almost want to read on to find out what happens. I also felt somewhat nostalgic.

The Affect score:

9/10 - I loved that show… sighs

:diamond_shape_with_a_dot_inside: General Thoughts :diamond_shape_with_a_dot_inside:

  1. Did I like the story?
  • Yes
  1. What was my favorite part of the story?
  • The tension.
  1. Do I have a least favorite part of the story?
  • Yes, no Perry.
  1. If I could change something, what would it be?
  • I think I would really go into a disturbing description of the creatures.
  1. Would I recommend this story to another person?
  • Yes.
  1. What type of person would like this story?
  • Anyone who likes a good mystery and maybe wants to see Phineas and Ferb but much, much darker.

Total score:

33/50 - “He’s just a platypus; they don’t do much.”


#96

Take your time!


#97

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My review of: The Blood of Queen’s written by @Andyjo1

Fantasy is one of my favourite genres. Frodo Baggins… need I say more. But one of the main reasons I love fantasy is that I like to imagine living in the world that the author creates in their words. So how does @Andyjo go at building an original world that sucks me, the reader, in?

Before I begin I would like to point out that this may not be an accurate depiction or review of the finished product at the time you read it. And these are my personal opinions, all of which I am entitled to.

So without further ado, let’s dig in.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Plot

In the first 5 chapters, the story follows the main character Alex as he assigned, along with his master Charlotte, to hunt down a woman called the Mad Bear. Plot wise there isn’t much to be honest. I feel like these first few chapters are really about setting up the world and introducing the main characters. I will say this however, I had wished the pursuit of the Mad Bear had lasted longer. Within in first chapter we have an inciting event and by the end of the fourth, this “side quest” is finished, with seemingly no real impact on the rest of the story. If the story had started mid way through this pursuit and then progressed from there, I wouldn’t have gotten so invested in this pursuit only to feel disappointed when it ends three chapters later… But as I have said before, this is just my thoughts.

Plot Score:

6/10 - I think the structure of these early chapters is a bit jarring. It feels like we have two inciting events in the space of five chapters.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Characters

As we have mentioned earlier, the main character is Alex. Although I am not one hundred percent sure of what his motivation is in these early parts of the story, I do feel like he has a real personality. I really appreciate the glimpses into his psyche and most of his dialogue. One issue I do have with him however, is his issues with his mother, I just don’t find them believable. But that could be just me.

Your side characters are good, Charlotte being a personal favourite. I just like her! She’s a badass.

Tano however is a different issue. If the hunt for The Mad Bear had been a main element of this story than I think the jumps to his perspective are a great addition to the story. But by the end of the fifth chapter I can’t help but wondering why it was needed. He is introduced as another main character but I can’t see his story going anywhere, and I feel that this is just a waste. I liked getting the glimpse into the lives of his group and of his family, but now it doesn’t seem worth it.

Characters Score:

7/10 - Alex and Charlotte are good characters but I would like to know something about their motivations.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The World Building

I feel like this is where a lot of the appeal is, but I feel that there is still a lot missing. The initial premise that it is a fantasy world where certain races and sexes are viewed as superior is intriguing but I feel quite confused by some of the extra elements. This story is set in modern day, or at least has modern technology, helicopters, cars, phones, etc, but yet the majority of people still fight with swords and spears, although there is guns and helicopters. Then there is some abilities that certain species have and possibly magic (I am not sure on that one) but most of these are not really explained well.

I also feel like a lot of the necessary exposition is given in a clunky manner and it just seems unbelievable. Not what is revealed but HOW it is revealed, that is what seems unbelievable.

World Building Score:

6/10 - An intriguing world that needs some more explanations.

:eight_spoked_asterisk:The Author’s Style

@Andyjo1 has a beautiful writing style. Especially his description. I can picture most things very vividly and honestly a lot of it was a pleasure to read. Their are some grammatical errors and just plain old typos, but I am yet to read a Wattpad story that doesn’t have these same problems.

The story is written in third person and in past tense. This is probably the most common format, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing and it is done well. The addition of having flashes of the main character’s thoughts is certainly very welcome.

I will also mention here that I did have a problem with the length of the chapters. Normally I wouldn’t notice something like chapter length, but I found it very noticeable in this story. I have no problem whatsoever with Chapter 1, I didn’t find it too long or too short. It is just right for me, and this is the length of chapter I expected moving forward. But chapters 2, 3, and 4 are all half as long. I was fine to accept that, Wattpad is primarily for mobile readers and I accept that, but then chapter 5 is just as long as chapter 1. Normally I would say that the story should dictate how long the chapters are but I feel like chapters 1 and 5 could be split and this would fix the issue. There is plenty in each chapter to do so. But this could just be me.

Author’s Style score:

8/10 - Almost perfect.

:eight_spoked_asterisk: The Affect

I did enjoy a lot of this story. I felt awe because of the cool power that Alex has. And I felt the terror that Tano felt when his family attacked. However I feel very little sympathy for Alex and I feel frustrated with a lot of his thoughts and some of the actions that other characters make.

The Affect score:

7/10 - I felt the terror that Tano did. But I can’t sympathize or feel anything other than frustration with Alex.

:diamond_shape_with_a_dot_inside: General Thoughts :diamond_shape_with_a_dot_inside:

  1. Did I like the story?
  • Yes
  1. What was my favorite part of the story?
  • Chapter 4, all of it.
  1. Do I have a least favorite part of the story?
  • The rushing of the hunt for the Mad Bear.
  1. If I could change something, what would it be?
  • Probably just splitting chapter 1 and 5 in half.
  1. Would I recommend this story to another person?
  • Yes
  1. What type of person would like this story?
  • Anyone who likes a twist of modern day with some fantasy elements thrown in.

Total score:

34/50 - Decent but needs work, especially with some of the finer world building elements.


#98

Your up next, I have PM’ed you a question did you get it?


#99

Yeah, I did


#100

My bad! I forgot you did reply. So sorry.


#101

Awesome! This was in depth and I really appreciated your honesty. It’s always nice to get a differing perspective on problems I never would have thought of either as a writer or even a reader! Great work you’re doing here!


#102

Thank you so much! It means a lot to me!


#103

Yup, this is a very interesting, thoughtful review.


#104

Thanks for the feedback on my feedback! I am glad you liked it and I look forward to reading your story. I will get there eventually.