FeedBack And Support! <3

Hello you lovely writers and readers!
Welcome, grab a seat please, if you are into romance and slight drama and NA maybe even YA, this is perfect for you.
I’m new to writing and I’ce decided to finally publish my book, to put my heart out there. I want your feedback, tips or whatever your opinon is on the plot and maybe some writing if you’re willing to.
Feel free to grab coffee or tea or whatever you please! ^.^ Hehe
Here’s what I have so far…
Into The Unknown

*Leilana Fannin was an ordinary young girl, with ambitions and dreams, hopes and plans, loads of plans, but what she didn’t think would ever be possible creeps upon her world only to destroy it, to shatter every bits of hope she held in her fragile heart, to blur her dreams that once were more clear than the summer sun, to crumble her plans and toss them out the window.
When Leilana settles for what seems like her fate, when she settles for not living and only existing, life plans her a surprise, or perhaps it’s the other way around, one thing she knows for sure, nothing is ever certain, there isn’t a thing one cannot change and she came to know that life lays in our own hands.
While fear is controlling every bits of her body, aspect of life, and her mind is battling between the need to break free and the fear of what’s hidden in her future, lays the most important decision she has to make, does she live by dear? Or does she finally break free into the unknown?

Life isn’t about the air we breathe, nor is it about the day we pass, it’s about the risks we take into the unknown. *

Thank you in advance to those who are willing to help. :see_no_evil::black_heart::black_heart:

Slow down. If that’s your summary, it’s…incredibly hard to read. There are too many run-on sentences and words that could be cut down so as to tighten the whole thing up. And after reading it a few times, I still don’t get what the story is about. There’s nothing to tell me about your MC beyond her experiencing something that changes her life - and not in a good way. What exactly do you need help with?

Oh, wow.
I want to make my plot readable and exciting?

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Could you perhaps tell us what the story is actually about?

I would agree. Slow down some and really take some time to think and collect your thoughts. There is no rush. Remember Quality over Quantity.

A young girl, who has had her life planned but things don’t go as she wanted, frustrated and hopless and afraid she stops living, fear controlling every aspect of her life and body.
She lives in a world where women belong to the kitchen and better seen not heard, a world she hates and doesn’t go by. She’s afraid of getting hurt and trying something new and angering her parents.
On theother side of life (which I didn’t mention) lives a man, a buisness man who runs his own company and has it all but feels one thing missing but he too is afraid of going after what he wants.
He lives in a world where he gets what he wants his way, he’s in control of everything and no one dares to challenge him.

Both afraid.
Both walk into the unknown.
That was a draft and now I see how… complicated it is.

That was a draft, I wanted some tips like yours ^.^
Thank you.

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Well, okay. It is readable now. What do you want to do to make it more exciting? You can probably include:

  • The main characters’ first encounter. Is it dramatic? Funny? Unexpected? Do they keep running into each other at surprising places?
  • What’s their first impression of each other?
  • Assuming some spark of attraction will happen between them, how will the people around them react? Will there be some kind of drama?
  • What will happen to their relationship?

Again, that’s assuming your characters do get into a romantic relationship. If they don’t, ignore what I said and focus on how they plan to change their lives. They can do it bit by bit, maybe by finding encouragement and inspiration in different places or from each other.

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Okay, yeah that sounds like something I’d pick up to read, thank you so so much! Fo taking the time to give me tips on this.

Also, the book is going to be about both of them challenging their societies and falling in love as even more of a challenge.

How do you think I can put all that together in an exciting way?
Into the unknown is like, when they take steps into making their future, with fear but excitment. It’s like, they decide to live a better life by their rules.

They could cover up their relationship at the beginning (smiles, secret glances), but as time goes by, other people are bound to notice it. You could add the strain from keeping their romance subtle, the pressure from society, and they could start doubting themselves until they realise they need to work together to make their relationship work.

…yeah, take my advice with a pinch of salt. Romance really isn’t my forte in writing lol.

I’ve got it all figured out but the plot is slightly troubling…
I mean, I know the story but the plot I don’t know how to not give too much and keep it exciting and detailed.

Also, would you mind if I consult you every now and then? @Voxifer

Sure, but only on the forums. I’m not active on the main site.

I think I have something…

Leilana Fannin is no ordinary girl, she lives in a society where women are better seen and not heard, their only job is to bring children to the world and raise them and feed their husband’s hungry stomachs and desires. She was never like those who surround her, she was wise, deep, smart, quite, childish for her age at times and an adult at others.
She was never fond of the world she was trapped in, she had plans, hopes, dreams and ambitions. Loads of them for that matter, but society had other plans for her, and that’s when life took a dark turn, when violence reaches a whole new level and fear creeps upon Leilana’s world to destroy every bits of it, she surrenders and settles for what seems like her fate.
In another world lives a charming man called Adam Siers,a business man who runs his own company with smart judgment and wide passion, Adam has always had it all, a loving father, a career, money, power and women. He was all a woman can ask for, handsome, funny, rich, and knows what he’s doing.
Yet he still longed for something, something else, though he was a man who never played by the rules, a man who never cared what others thought of him a man who loved a challenge , he was frightened to discover what it is he longs for.
Both afraid, unsatisfied, battling within themselves whether to surrender entirely to fate or to break free and create their own. Torn between what they long for and what is expected of them, there’s an important decision that must be done.
Will they play by the book? Or will they break free into the unknown? What’s waiting ahead for them?

Okay. Is that going to be your blurb or something?

Yes, I Suppose.
Is it readable? Exciting? I don’t know…

It’s too wordy.

Leilana Fannin is no ordinary girl. She was never fond of the world she was trapped in: one where women are better seen and not heard. She cherishes her own secret dreams and hopes, but when life takes a dark turn and her world as she knows it shatters to pieces, Leilana surrenders herself to her fate.

On the other side of Leilana’s world is Adam Siers, a charming and powerful businessman who has it all. Yet, deep down, he longs for something else - and he’s not prepared to find out what exactly it is.

Both are afraid and dissatisfied, battling within themselves whether to surrender to their fates or to break free and make their own paths. Torn between what they long for and what is expected of them, there’s an important decision to be made.

I don’t think those questions at the end are necessary, to be honest.

Oh wow…
I’m so so grateful!
Thank you so much… This means more than you can think to me.
I owe you… like really if there’s anything I can do, please do tell me.
Reach out to me whenever!

Think nothing of it. Good luck with your writing! :slightly_smiling_face:

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It’s generally recommended to avoid calling a character ‘normal’ or ‘ordinary’. They should feel special because they are. Each of us is special and there really is no such thing as ‘normal’ or ‘ordinary’.

The biggest issue here (apart from the run-on sentences) is that this doesn’t actually tell me what the story is about.

First paragraph- Who is your character at the start of the story? Where are they in life and who are they as a person? What brings them to the turning point of the story (plot)?

Second paragraph- How does that turning point change their lives? What are the risks and what must they do to overcome those risks?

The last line is actually really good, although life really is about the air we breathe seeing as without that air we would seize to exist, but I get where you were going with it.