Feedback on my blurb

Hi, this is my first time writing and I was wondering if someone could take a look at my blurb, please?? This is my third time writing it but I just can’t tell if it’s good enough.

Blurb:

"His soul is God-breathed
His mind is sacred
So how could he love me
Now I am tainted"

Nevaeh Ripley is the fruit of mental illness, born into a family divided. Crushed beneath the weight of this, the only way she can alleviate the pressure is with her pen. For years she bore the pain in silence, fighting this imperceptible opponent alone. No one ever stood in her corner.

That is, until she meets Cain.


I feel like it’s not quite right, but i don’t know how to fix. I’d appreciate any ideas! :smiley:

I’d also be willing to help anyone else with theirs.

I honestly don’t feel like I know much about the character’s or their story from this.

I’d like to know who the MC is, what her life is like at the start of the book, and how the big event of the book changes her life.

While the blurb sounds nice, I don’t feel like I could connect enough as a reader to want to click that ‘read’ button.

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Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot <3 Okay, so based on your advice I’ve tried to give a little more detail about her life:

"His soul is God-breathed
His mind is sacred
So how can he love me
Now that I am tainted"

Creative Writing
Noun: Writing that expresses thoughts and idea in an imaginative way

For Nevaeh Ripley, this is the only way she can survive. Having grown up with a schizophrenic mother and a father who worked entirely too hard, she learned a long time ago how to channel her emotions into her writing and lock them away where they can’t be exploited. Years of bottling up her pain have taught her that the only person she can truly rely on is herself – everyone and everything else is only temporary.

That is, until she meets Cain.

The presence of this mysterious stranger, who wears a mask harder than her own shakes the very foundations of the life she had grown accustomed to.

Together, they unite to fight a battle bigger than either of them are used to. In the end, they form something Lovely.


My issue is I feel as though it’s a little too long and maybe a little boring. I’m thinking I might cut the poem at the beginning. I feel as though I should mention that my book is called ‘Lovely’ by the way!!

Any and all idea would be immensly appreciated !! :smiley:

I feel bad, but putting a definition in a blurb is quickly becoming a pet peeve to readers.

It may be a good idea to cut the poem. As nice as it is, I don’t think it adds enough to keep it.

Other than that, I think it’s much better.

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i think what’s missing is something to draw the reader in. Okay, she has a hard past so how does this stranger change her? What battle do they have to fight?

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I agree with @oliviarose85, I think you should cut both the poem (maybe use it as a front matter) and the definition. You can add it instead to the first sentence. Rephrased, it would read something like: For Nevaeh Ripley, imaginative writing is the only way she can survive.

I also stumbled over “worked entirely too hard”. I think you could rephrase this too smooth this out. Something like “…a father who always put his work above his family…” might work.

However, my biggest problem is that the blurb doesn’t have identifiable stakes:

The presence of this mysterious stranger, who wears a mask harder than her own shakes the very foundations of the life she had grown accustomed to.

What are those foundation of the life she had gown accustomed to? I believe it might be the bottling up of pain, but since there is no direct connection to the first paragraph, I can’t be sure.

Together, they unite to fight a battle bigger than either of them are used to. In the end, they form something Lovely .

This paragraph is even more vague than the previous one. What battle? Why is it bigger than them? What are they truly up against? What will happen if they don’t succeed? You need to give the readers something that adds stakes and peaks their interest.

The last sentence reads like a spoiler, so I’m not sure if it’s needed.

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Okay, I’ve tried to take everyone’s feedback on board whilst writing this. I’d like to say thank so much for your honestly :blush:!!

Re-draft:

Hide your pain. Hide your dreams. Hide your weakness. For Nevaeh Ripley, this is the only way she can survive.

Having grown up with a schizophrenic mother and a father who always put work above her family, she learned a long time ago how to channel her emotions into her writing and hide them away where they can’t be exploited. Years of bottling up her pain have taught her that the only person she can truly rely on is herself – everyone and everything else is only temporary.

That is, until she meets Cain.

With the help of this mysterious stranger, the two of them make an unsettling discovery – fate was not as cruel as they once thought. Their misfortune was man-made. Their lives have been manipulated those above, all to earn some extra profit.

In order to fight this evil, the two unite to get justice.


@SallyMason1, I wasn’t 100% sure what you meant by ‘stakes’ but I’ve tried to add a bit more informtion in hopes that it solves the problem haha! You’re feedback was really helpful :slight_smile:

My only concern now is does it give too much away, or do I still need to add more :confused:

I think it’s a huge improvement as to the previous version. I would take out the “her” before family – the way it’s written, it sound as it’s not his family, but solely hers. You don’t really need anything, work above family works just fine, or you could say work above his family to clarify.

One big piece is missing and that is a foreshadowing of what will happen if they don’t succeed or an obstacle that will be in their way. What if they can’t find justice? What will happen then? That’s what stakes are – why is the outcome so important to them? You need something that make reader want to continue without giving too much away. That’s why these blurbs are so hard.

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Ohhhh, okay I get it now :smile:

Okay, so how about if I amend the last part so it reads:

In order to fight this evil, the two unite to get justice. Embued with this knowledge the two quickly realise that if they don’t take a stand, countless others will suffer at the hands of these criminals.

Wow, I really don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t had help lol :slight_smile:, but I’m feeling so motivated right now so thank you so much everyone!!! <3

Can you introduce a ticking clock element (and tighten it a little)? Something like:

In order to fight this evil, the two unite to get justice. And if they don’t take a stand by …(insert ticking clock element), countless other children will suffer at the hands of these criminals.