First Line In Your Story

Write the first line in your story and the next person will say if they would he interested in reading it or not.

Here’s mine:

“The royal proclamation was brought to our village a day ago, and today the village elders will be choosing an unmarried female to be a marriage candidate for the dragon king.”

10 Likes

This sentence makes the story feel remarkably fairy tale-esque (not a bad thing, I’m a sucker for fairy tales). But that aside, it doesn’t really capture my attention as much as I feel like it has the potential to.

My own preference is that the opening lines grab you - and I think that’s hard to do when you try to get across more than one thought in a single sentence. So here, you have two thoughts: the proclamation came yesterday, and the village elders have to choose someone to marry the king. The first part of the sentence is also passive.

Instead of “The royal proclamation was brought to our village a day ago,” you could try “They brought the royal proclamation…” to make it more active. But to really grab the reader, you could even start with the elders choosing the marriage candidate, then move to when the proclamation came.

But I would read this! It sounds like something very much up my alley.


Dragonscale

The floor was dark with blood.

8 Likes

I’m doing three lines. XD
The Rising Threat: All around Athena, fighting, and chaos (not the god, the adjective) roared.
The Tale of Pheonix- Hope is something my life has always been without.
A Change- I have been living on the streets the past 11 years.

The floor was dark with blood. Very nice. Makes the reader curious of _why _ was there blood on the floor?
__

2 Likes

Thanks for the suggestion

Oooo 3 nice! I guess I’ll pick one to rate and let others do the rest.

I like it. You included a sufficient hook while introducing an aspect of character, voice, and setting simultaneously. Nice job! This gives off a Percy Jackson feel. I would probably keep reading.

INCANDESCENT

“Corinne was racing the sun.”

I like it. In a few words you immediately provide a sense of urgency and mystery.

Sweetwater Ridge

“Satan stared at me across the barroom floor.”

3 Likes

Intriguing. It raises questions and curiosity that will make me want to read on. Like, why is Satan at a bar to begin with? Is it really Satan or someone symbolic of him? And why is he staring at me? I like how it urges me to want to know more.

Here’s mine:
" Life should mean more than this, right?"

Interesting. I’m intrigued by the emotion reflected by this sentence. It could be a happy, or a sad one according to the situation. I would be curious to know the context leading to this sentence.

Here’s mine :

The man fell to his knees on the cold ground.

1 Like

Alright i’d give this a go,

" Looking at the situation she was in, she had no other option but to run. So she ran. And ran for her life, carrying her one month old daughter in her arms. "

1 Like

Oooo that certainly piques interest with those last few words. She runs but she’s got a baby with her? Why? Definitely a solid hook.

Here’s mine:

“Help! Please!” The child’s cry echoed for an eternity. Shrill. Grating. Desperate. Anna couldn’t shake the flames from her arms no matter how hard she fought them.

He was always spacing out, I don’t even know if he noticed I was there anymore,he was off,never available … and she was there,staring… what else could I do?

I’m a bit torn here. It works as a hook, but given I don’t really care about the character’s yet, it doesn’t quite work for me. (But, I’d still read on to see what happens, however.)

You are supposed to say to the previous poster as to whether they would read on or not. But I will do yours in addition to the previous person’s.

There’s a comma splice in the first sentence. The punctuation feels very off, and it’s hard to make a flow out of this. As a revision, i’ll offer this:

“He was always spacing out. I don’t even know if he noticed I was there anymore. He was off, never available, and she was there staring…What else could I do?”

Would I read on? Sadly, probably not. Does not seem like my genre. Feels like a teen ficiton. I’m more a fantasy/scifi kinda guy, so I’ll just need to say that this is me not you. :slight_smile:

From Faebreaker

“Isla had decided long ago that a diet made strictly of animals would be as far as she went. But sometimes, certain humans repulsed her enough to catch her eye. Some men, no matter how awful they tasted, were truly worth devouring just to hear their screams from underwater.”

1 Like

@aseveredlimb

I feel a prologue is missing here. We have a siren protagonist, clearly, but things start too early for me.

Won’t complain because I am about to do the same though…

Excerpt from Shining Mountain

“The morning had started normal enough, what with the Holoscreen tuned in to a Caracol broadcast about the state of the Thousand Days War. The anchor made clearly rehearsed ‘patriotic’ comments about national troops ‘tossing Gringo scum off the Eastern Seaboard’, which probably meant the Mirandan Corps had already invaded the capital of the US. The bad thing was that if the Senate decided to annex the US, I wouldn’t be able to visit America to shop for cheap stuff again”.

I’ll give you a virtual cookie if you can guess what creature my protagonist is. :slight_smile: (Not a siren)

Sadly, I kinda ate a little bit of it already, so half a cookie will need to do. :wink:

@SomnusTheFirst If i have to be honest, I would have to check most of the words in the dictionary (I guess my English is bad), but overall for a first sentence it is catching. Makes me want to read and understand more about the story.

Had I known this would be the day my life goes downhill, I would have at least overslept.

3 Likes

haha, nice, i really like it. it’s simple but interesting enough that it makes me want to continue reading.

Early mornings were the best. The whole entire house was utterly silent, there was no shouting or screaming at me, no little annoying children, or bitchy Jeze ruining my life. it was only me, the silence, and the warmth of the sun coming through the window and it was only then that I could just pretend.

1 Like

Heh, no kidding. It’s already bad because it’s not only in English, but had tons of coined and Spanish language words, given the setting (an Alternate History world ruled by ‘Patria Grande’, no less)…

1 Like

The first line format seems to have broken down :slightly_smiling_face:. There is no one for me to review.

I would still like to post my first line though;
"Moonlight dripped through the living room window on to the fluffy beige carpet. The wallpaper with its cheery flower pattern was splattered with the blood of the family who lay within. "

thanks