From Me to You: A Tale Untold

Title: Goonj: An Echo in the Valley(Working title)

Genre: General Fiction, Adventure

Length: This story is still in the planning stages but I’m going for length of 8- 20K.

Intended Audience: New Adult, Chicklit

Pitch: Santosh and Ibrahim are two individuals brought together through violence in the Kashmir Valley. With both nursing broken hearts and shattered dreams, it will take a lot to trust each other and move on.

My first time writing a summary and attempting a full-length story. Feedback is highly appreciated.

Santosh is a 32 year-old divorcee, working lady who doesn’t believe romance and has a habit of penning her thoughts into a diary. After her broken marriage to Raj Hooda at a young age of 22, she decides to stay single and be independent. A journalist by profession, she oversees the team of forty interns at the Times of India, Ahmedabad branch. She lives in a three BHk apartment,with her parents and two siblings. Her mother, fears the society’s backlash regarding a middle-aged unmarried woman and nags her everyday to get married.

Ibrahim has a Master’s in geoscience and is struggling to support his family of five-- parents and two younger sisters. He envisioned a life of luxury given his specialization with the rocks. When he gets a placement from Bharat Petroleum Corporation Ltd, at Mumbai, he is overjoyed. Little does he know, trouble was there, hidden in alleys. Due to an accident at work, his father gets paralysed and unable to work, leaving Ibrahim with no option to forsake his dream job and get whatever work is available at Srinagar.

Santosh, fed up with her mom’s overbearing nature, decides to leave for Kashmir on a two-week vacation. She believes going away from the toxicity will help her to fill the emptiness that tempts to overpower her at times. When Santosh arrives at Srinagar, she ditches the comfort of a hotel, and prefers to home-stay with the locals. When she finds the family intended to host her has left for Jammu, she is lost. While asking for directions to the hotel, she inadvertently runs into Ibrahim, who works as a tourist guide.

As their friendship develops, both struggle to the barriers surrounding them. They realize their real potential while forging a bond made on trust and mutual respect.

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Ah, I think you mean petroleum geology, given the later sentence. Unless he is a seismologist or does lithostratigraphy or something, but i doubt you want to be this specific?

Maybe it is better just to leave it at ‘given his specialization’. Geology has tons of branches, we are second to none in how many terms we have (okay, maybe to math and biology).

Now, I did not go to school in Inida, so this might not apply, but fwiw

A Master’s Degree usually is pretty specific, including the field of study vs a very generalized ‘geoscience’ that encompass geology, geography etc. For example, my BSc reads as Engineering Geologist with specialization in Protection of Geo-environment, and my second degree is MSc in Hydrogeology. My professional association forbids those who do not hold a specialization at the MSc level to call themselves professionally as sub=specialization.

Okay, all this nonsense aside, maybe give him MSc in Petroleum Geology and just say ‘given his specialization’.

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And then what happens? This sounds really interesting, especially as it’s set in Kashmir. Does the mother approve? Is it smooth sailing from there or do they face adversity? Your pitch reads like a long blurb at the moment. You need to include the ending when you’re pitching a story and also state the stakes and the major plot-points so that whoever you’re pitching to can get the WHOLE experience of what your story is about.

2 Likes

Will incorporate the suggestion, Domi :slight_smile: Thanks a lot for your feedback.

I didn’t know we had to state everything. Thanks for bringing up these relevant points :slight_smile:

Will do :slight_smile: Thanks once again.

Updated version:

Santosh Chaturvedi is a 32 year-old divorcee, working lady who doesn’t believe romance and has a habit of penning her thoughts into a diary. After her broken marriage to Raj Hooda at a young age of 22, she decides to stay single and be independent. A journalist by profession, she oversees the team of forty interns at the Times of India, Ahmedabad branch. She lives in a three BHK apartment,with her parents and two siblings. Her mother, fears the society’s backlash regarding a middle-aged unmarried woman and nags her everyday to get married.

Ibrahim Dar has a MScs in Petroleum Geology and is struggling to support his family of five-- parents and two younger sisters. He envisioned a life of luxury given his specialization. When he gets a placement from Bharat Petroleum Corporation Ltd, at Mumbai, he is overjoyed. Little does he know, trouble was waiting for him, hidden in alleys. Due to an accident at work, his father gets paralysed and unable to work, leaving Ibrahim with no option. He has to forsake his dream job and get whatever work is available at Srinagar.

Santosh, fed up with her mom’s overbearing nature, decides to leave for Kashmir on a two-week vacation. She believes going away from the toxicity will help her to fill the emptiness that tempts to overpower her at times. When Santosh arrives at Srinagar, she ditches the comfort of a hotel, and prefers to home-stay with the locals. When she finds the family intended to host her has left for Jammu, she is lost. While asking for directions to the hotel, she inadvertently runs into Ibrahim, who works as a tourist guide.

As their friendship develops, both struggle to break the barriers surrounding them. They realize their real potential while forging a bond made on trust and mutual respect.

Santosh is torn between her new found self, the I-care-a-damn for the world and the society at large. She finally understands it’s more important to be alone, authentic and happy, rather than be forced into a relationship she isn’t ready for as yet. She reaches home and convinces her parents about her decision to stay single. She promises to be the son they never had. Forever.

Ibrahim’s manages to tell his parents his true feelings regarding his career. His parents disapprove, and as a final resort, threaten to disown him, but he holds on to his decision. To their dismay, he leaves them to start a new life in Mumbai, promising to bring them over as soon as possible. Mumbai is the city of dreams, where Ibrahim’s dreams take flight. He works very hard at Bharat Petroleum office located at Khar and impresses the management, who decide to give him a promotion after a year. He gets the company apartment as a part of the deal and brings his family to his new home.

[The End]

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1 Like

Bump :slight_smile:

I would change your audience to New Adult or ChickLit. Definitely don’t have both YA and Women 30+.

Also, change the summary to the MC only or MC and love interest. Don’t mention more than two characters, and keep the summary to the MC’s main plot only.

Delete the last names from the summary. They aren’t important.

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Thanks a lot for your feedback, Alena :heart: I’ll do as you have pointed out :slight_smile:

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Done =] Better?

Okay. I’ve a question. I remember Nick stating somewhere that we had to state the whole plot. Give spoilers, the character arcs and the ending. Since I’ve never attempted anything like this before, I’m still learning…

For summary, he wants the main plot only. That plot should include the character arc for the MC and antag or love interest.

I actually put my character arcs in a separate section on mine https://www.wattpadwriters.com/t/pernicious-suitor/158557?u=sapphirealena, because he put them on a different bullet point in the directions.

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Will do exactly as you say :slight_smile:

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I could be so wrong, too. Nick hasn’t looked at mine yet.

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Same here. It’s been 25 days since I uploaded mine. I believe he’s busy with the Wattys and will take a look when he can spare some time :slight_smile: He did comment and give feedback on some pitches a couple of days ago.

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Thanks for the info. I thought he was just ignoring mine after doing everyone else’s. :roll_eyes:

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Nick wouldn’t deliberately ignore anything or any post unless he’s very busy. And with only 10 days to go for the Wattys, I can imagine the pressure he must be under. I’m fine whenever he chooses to review my pitch/story. Until then, I’ve my poetry and short-story collections to focus on… :slight_smile:

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I have to run to work, but I’ll look at your revisions later.

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Santosh and Ibrahim are brought together by violence in the Kashmir Valley.

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I’m having problems quoting while on my phone, so I’m just going to rewrite each paragraph here (but wait until I have it all done before replying, since I may hit reply and then have to edit again)

Santosh, an employed 32 year-old divorcee, doesn’t believe romance. After her broken marriage to Raj at 22, she decides to remain single, independent of any man. A journalist by profession, she oversees the team of forty interns at the Times of India. She lives in a three-bedroom apartment with her parents and two siblings. Her mother fears society’s backlash regarding a middle-aged unmarried woman and nags her everyday to get married.

Wattpad Community

Goonj: An Echo in the Valley (Working title)

Nick’s LabPitch Workshop

Goonj: An Echo in the Valley (Working title)

Nick’s LabPitch Workshop

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NablaiWitness to Oblivion

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25d

Title: Goonj: An Echo in the Valley(Working title)

Genre: General Fiction, Adventure

Length: This story is still in the planning stages but I’m going for length of 8- 20K.

Intended Audience: New Adult, Chicklit

Pitch: Santosh and Ibrahim are two individuals brought together through violence in the Kashmir Valley. With both nursing broken hearts and shattered dreams, it will take a lot to trust each other and move on.

My first time writing a summary and attempting a full-length story. Feedback is highly appreciated.

Santosh is a 32 year-old divorcee, working lady who doesn’t believe romance and has a habit of penning her thoughts into a diary. After her broken marriage to Raj Hooda at a young age of 22, she decides to stay single and be independent. A journalist by profession, she oversees the team of forty interns at the Times of India, Ahmedabad branch. She lives in a three BHk apartment,with her parents and two siblings. Her mother, fears the society’s backlash regarding a middle-aged unmarried woman and nags her everyday to get married.

Ibrahim, with a Master’s in geoscience, struggles to support his family of five—his parents and two younger sisters. He envisioned a life of luxury. When he receives a placement from Bharat Petroleum Corporation Ltd, at Mumbai, he is overjoyed. [What happens in between? The sentence about the alley was too vague.] Due to an accident at work, his father becomes paralysed and unable to work, leaving Ibrahim with no option except to forsake his dream job and find whatever work is available at Srinagar.

Wattpad Community

Goonj: An Echo in the Valley (Working title)

Nick’s LabPitch Workshop

Goonj: An Echo in the Valley (Working title)

Nick’s LabPitch Workshop

1

/

19

NablaiWitness to Oblivion

1

25d

Title: Goonj: An Echo in the Valley(Working title)

Genre: General Fiction, Adventure

Length: This story is still in the planning stages but I’m going for length of 8- 20K.

Intended Audience: New Adult, Chicklit

Pitch: Santosh and Ibrahim are two individuals brought together through violence in the Kashmir Valley. With both nursing broken hearts and shattered dreams, it will take a lot to trust each other and move on.

My first time writing a summary and attempting a full-length story. Feedback is highly appreciated.

Santosh is a 32 year-old divorcee, working lady who doesn’t believe romance and has a habit of penning her thoughts into a diary. After her broken marriage to Raj Hooda at a young age of 22, she decides to stay single and be independent. A journalist by profession, she oversees the team of forty interns at the Times of India, Ahmedabad branch. She lives in a three BHk apartment,with her parents and two siblings. Her mother, fears the society’s backlash regarding a middle-aged unmarried woman and nags her everyday to get married.

Ibrahim has a Master’s in geoscience and is struggling to support his family of five-- parents and two younger sisters. He envisioned a life of luxury given his specialization with the rocks. When he gets a placement from Bharat Petroleum Corporation Ltd, at Mumbai, he is overjoyed. Little does he know, trouble was there, hidden in alleys. Due to an accident at work, his father gets paralysed and unable to work, leaving Ibrahim with no option to forsake his dream job and get whatever work is available at Srinagar.

Santosh, fed up with her mom’s overbearing nature, decides to leave for Kashmir on a two-week vacation. She believes escaping the toxicity will help her to fill the emptiness that overpowers her at times. When Santosh arrives at Srinagar, she ditches the comfort of a hotel, and prefers to home-stay with the locals. When she finds the family intended to host her has left for Jammu, she is lost. While asking for directions to the hotel, she inadvertently runs into Ibrahim, who works as a tourist guide.

As their friendship develops, both struggle against the barriers surrounding them. They realize their real potential while forging a bond made on trust and mutual respect.

[The ending is a bit weak. I recommend an entire rewrite of that sentence. Entice me to request the whole manuscript with it.]

[I’m done now.]

1 Like