⭐ Get your Blurb Rated! ⭐

writing

#1

Okay so time to bring one of these games over here. The rules are simple, you post your blurb and get it rated. However, in order to post your blurb you must rate the blurb above you and provide at least one line of feedback. And it has to be more than just “it’s good” or “it sucks.” :laughing: Try to be constructive with feedback or specific with praise.

First poster has no blurb to rate. They just have to get the party started.


#2

I guess, if no one hits reply before me, I am first.

My blurb . . .

Necropolis, a city of mythical creatures, magic, and the occasional miracle, is host to a vicious power struggle between two prominent families.

The only solution is an alliance—an arranged marriage—uniting two men born to hate one another.

Thanos Right, the heir to the Moroii empire, agrees to wed Everett Dawson, the youngest son of the Vârcolac Clan, in place of his sister Sophia. A fragile trust builds between the young couple, but even as they explore their relationship the possibility of treachery is never far away.

In this high stakes game of love and hate, peace and war, loyalty and betrayal, Thanos and Everett will need more than a signed wedding certificate and an amicable introduction if they expect their marriage to end the centuries of bloodshed.

Sacrifices must be made on the altar of peace. The question isn’t when or what—but who?


#3

I’d give your blurb 7/10. I like how your blurb gives a good deal of information about the plot and what one could expect from the book. However, I find so many commas a bit distracting at times. Some sentences don’t seem to flow well. The sentences felt runny in some places, like:

In this high stakes game of love and hate, peace and war, loyalty and betrayal, Thanos and Everett will need more than a signed wedding certificate and an amicable introduction if they expect their marriage to end the centuries of bloodshed.

This is a way too long a sentence which hinders readability. Also, the “love and hate, peace and war, loyalty and betrayal” one after the other feels somewhat redundant.

I like what the basic message of your blurb is but I’d suggest trying to word it better.

Here’s my blurb:

The heart and the mind were often on opposite sides, trying to pull the other over the line. The tussle was always ongoing and for Inaaya Bansal, it was about to get all the more strenuous.

Inaaya was travelling through Canada with a well-planned itinerary in her hands. Though at no date or time was it penned down for her to witness a handsome, paranormal stranger morph into a large grey-white wolf. Axel Ellis claimed to be her soulmate and proposed for her to stay with him. To see where destiny leads them.

In the blink of an eye, Inaaya went from being a lonely twenty-three-year-old to deciding whether to move in with a stranger, a werewolf no less. How life had taken such a turn, she didn’t know. And the only options in sight: either to give a hand to her ever rational mind or perhaps, lend some support to her habitually mercurial heart this time.

All that remains to be seen is where the rope will weigh heavier. For the winner of this round might just take the lead in the ones awaiting Inaaya in future.

- Tug of War


#4

“The heart and the mind were often on opposite sides, trying to pull the other over the line. The tussle was always ongoing and for Inaaya Bansal, it was about to get all the more strenuous.”
A little wordy this. I also don’t think it’s a great passage to lead with. Try incorporating it into one of the others?

“Inaaya was travelling through Canada with a well-planned itinerary in her hands. Though at no date or time was it penned down for her to witness a handsome, paranormal stranger morph into a large grey-white wolf. Axel Ellis claimed to be her soulmate and proposed for her to stay with him. To see where destiny leads them.”
Last sentence doesn’t need to be there. lots of description here, so it does give a good picture of what to expect. The whole style of this reads as if it’s a narrator talking about what is happening in the book. Phrases like “penned down” distance me a little from the character.

“In the blink of an eye, Inaaya went from being a lonely twenty-three-year-old to deciding whether to move in with a stranger, a werewolf no less. How life had taken such a turn, she didn’t know. And the only options in sight: either to give a hand to her ever rational mind or perhaps, lend some support to her habitually mercurial heart this time.”
This is a much better paragraph, could start of with this I think with a bit of adaptation.

“All that remains to be seen is where the rope will weigh heavier. For the winner of this round might just take the lead in the ones awaiting Inaaya in future.”
This doesn’t make all that much sense, and not sure you need it here.

Think you have it all in there, and it should work well, just needs a little shifting around with maybe a few bits taking out.

Here is mine, which is a murder-mystery for young teens…

A fourteen year old girl named Evie and her family go to stay in a creepy old house in a remote mountain village, only to find the caretaker of the house is dead.
Her list of suspects is getting longer and a white cat keeps turning up where it shouldn’t. Can she find out who the murderer is before her own family is suspected?


#5

Thanks so much for all your feedback! I’ll try to edit my blurb keeping it in mind. :slight_smile:


#6

First of the term “creepy old house” is mostly overused nowadays. Your blurb is okay, but it isn’t particularly very enticing. The same form of blurbs can be found everywhere really so try to add a little flavor. Here’s mine

A women on a mission.

A man who has given up on life.

A police officer at his wits end.

Two women searching for the same goal.

And an innocent CEO dragged into the mess.

The question is :

Who is the victim and who is the criminal ?

The answer depends on you.


#7

The first thing I notice about your blurb is the typo/grammar error in the second word. This should be A woman on a mission.
I like the short-statement point-form format you’ve adopted, the conflict you’ve shown, and the question you posed.

Here is mine:

As Valentine’s Day approaches, we watch two lonely people breaking out of the shells they’ve created. Set in 2016 London, the story weaves intense passion and tender love through a world of extreme wealth while a tragic past conspires to destroy.


#8

I loved how simple it is but it is able to convey what’s going to happen within the book. It’s also very dark and I’m curious about what will happen!

Here is mine:

Rosie Grey was only seven years old when she arrived at Mr Thompson’s cotton factory. Now fourteen, she has become accustomed to the treatment of the workers and the harsh conditions under which they are forced to work.

After an accident in the storeroom leads to her dismissal, Rosie must try to make her own way in the real world, away from the life she had grown used to. When she bumps into Robert Ealing, son of well-known Doctor, Charles Ealing, Rosie unwillingly accepts their help.

Accepting a position in their household, Rosie struggles to forget her past, a past that will always make her the factory girl.


#9

Thank you, Amelia;
I like the model of an elevator pitch for a blurb. This is a concise statement of the story and its main characters, theme and conflict, all condensed to be conveyed during the short span of an elevator ride. Three or four dozen words is about max, because beyond this length, our potential readers have ‘left the elevator’, and they’ve moved on to read the next blurb.


#10

Thanks though I never noticed the typo until now. Thanks for pointing it out !


#11

Consider this condensed version as a start:

Rosie was seven when she arrived at the cotton factory. Now fourteen, she’s accustomed to the treatment of the workers and the harsh working conditions.

An accident leads to her dismissal, so she must make her way in a world to which she is unaccustomed. She bumps into the doctor’s son, Robert, and she unwillingly accepts help, taking a position in their household while struggling to forget a past which marks her as ‘the factory girl’.


#12

I really like this!

I’m not sure you need the full names of both father and son, it’s a bit clumsy. I would either leave out the doctor’s name and replace it with an an adjective describing his status around town, or leave out Roberts surname, since it will be understood to be the same as the doctor’s. You also don’t need the comma between Doctor and Charles, because Doctor can be part of his title. It reads less clumsy that way.

So examples:

  1. When she bumps into Robert Ealing, son of a well-known Doctor, Rosie unwillingly accepts their help.

  2. When she bumps into Robert, son of the well-known Doctor Charles Ealing, Rosie unwillingly accepts their help.

The only other note is to clarify whether Robert and Dr. Ealing share a household (their household). I don’t want to be nitpicky or seem rude. Pronoun confusion can be very common and hard to catch on rereads, so I figured I might as well ask.



MY BLURB Story Title: Dive Bar Oracle
Some might call the glimpses of things to come a gift, others would call it a curse.

All Mack knows is its a burden, one he carries for a sin he has no clear memory of. Fashes of indistinct images that filter through his drink. Puzzle pieces that reveal themselves sip by sip. With what he knows he can intervene in tragedies…if he’s sober enough.

This burden is his penance. What will be the final atonement for Mack, The Dive Bar Oracle?


#13

I’m not now sure if this is a proper reply to a person :sweat_smile:

Your blurb is short and tells us all the important points. You set up a mystery (that sin) and indicated the conflicts he has with his ability he is solving with drinking (nicely put).

Rating: 9/10


Here is my blurb :wink:

Story: The Crossing Destinies (OPEN Sonic the hedgehog FF)

A priest, demon, and boy walk into the bar… Wait, this isn’t a joke!

Shadow is a priest, and his peaceful life is disturbed by a rising occurrence of possessed people trying to commit crimes.

While meeting mischievous boy Sonic during his night patrol, he senses something extraordinary sinister. There is a demon feasting on fresh prey. The fight is inevitable, and nobody knows how it ends.

After this night, nothing remains the same.

A past, Shadow had no idea ever existed, starts creeping back.

A new enemy shall appear, relentlessly pursuing our priest, not stopping for anything until he has Shadow in his merciless grasp.


#15

7/10. 1) Tone. I am not sure if your story is a comedy. If not, I would not recommend the comedic opening line. 2) Paragraph structure. I would have liked a more descriptive summary. The second sentence feels too long and too casual. I think the summary would read better if it were made up of several decent length paragraphs rather than many sentences that are either too long or too short. The current format does not allow the reader to get sucked into your world and story. 3) Sentence Structure. There is not really much to elaborate for this point deduction. It may be a case of personal preference, but I was not a fan of your sentence structure/style. It felt very fractured. This is not so much of a problem on your behalf as a matter of taste on mine. Overall, I think your concept sounds intriguing, but I think your summary could use some polishing.


#16

My Summary: Shatter Like Glass

Pirate Ashen of Azure hates royalty.

A prince killed her mother. Her manipulative stepfather is King of Azure. Nearly every royal she has met she despises. So, when she learns of a group seeking to overthrow the corrupt monarchies, she doesn’t object. In fact, she doesn’t concern herself with them at all. She has more important things to worry about, like not being caught by her stepfamily or killed by the Captain of the Viridian Guard.

When the Kingslayers’ revolution takes a violent turn-with Ashen’s brother and a member of her crew at the wheel, Ashen questions her choice. Are the lives of a few innocents worth sacrificing for freedom? Will she fight those she cares about to stand by her values?

A High fantasy retelling of Cinderella with a pirate twist, Shatter Like Glass is a story of family, loyalty, and good old-fashioned sword fights.


#17

Thank you for your opinion, I’ll try to rewrite this :slight_smile: The opening line is a joke itself, and it was a random idea popping into my head. It sounded good, so I decided to use it :wink:


#18

I feel like you could take out that second paragraph and leave the first and the last! By doing that, you still leave the reader with an awe factor as well as enough information to start on when they crack open your book. Great job! For that, minus the second paragraph (cause it seems like a bit much), I will award you with a 9/10.

(If I am in the wrong place, please tell me because I am still getting used to this new format and I’m a bit lost, haha.)

title: Recovering Jewels

She thinks she was born in the wrong decade, but she was just in the wrong place to spread her wings and fly.

A converse-wearing 90’s baby, Juliette Valentine isn’t the kind of girl to take risks, especially when it involves her life. The one time she decides to take a leap of faith, there’s actually someone there to catch her, and everything changes, all thanks to a lifeguard by the name of Leo Aurora who helps her see what life is like outside of her comfort zone.

“Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite.”


#19

The intro and the rest of the blurb contradict each other. “She was in the wrong place at the wrong time” versus “someone there to catch her”. I would totally delete the first part and go with the second part, unless there is some integral piece you are trying to convey with the first part. The decade part seems irrelevant.


Brother Wolf blurb:

Brother-to-All-Wolves is the name given to him by his spirit guide, the Spirit of the Wolf itself.

Alpha King is the title given to him by his newly adopted sister. Within her weak, cancer-riddled body beats the fierce heart of an alpha wolf. Because of her, he has a way to connect the werewolves in Spirit Wolf’s earthly pack.

With the help of friends, both human and werewolf, he hunts for those leaders who use what they are to abuse and control others.

When he is one with the Spirit of the Wolf and howls, his song echoes across the sky and is heard by all wolves.

Those who are his prey…shiver!


#20

Thanks for that! Yes, I was trying to convey that she felt like she was born in the wrong decade because she’s more into things in the past, but throughout the book, she just needed to find the right people and the right place to express her true self, ya know? Again, thanks for the advice! For some reason, blurbs are the hardest to do, lol.


#21

I like where you are going with this, however, I do feel it is a little too vague. I am having a bit of trouble understanding what is going on and hence don’t really understand what the story is about. I would try to make it a little clearer. Overall I’ll give it a 6/10


Incandescent: First of the Affinities

Enter a world of power, politics, and prestige hidden just beyond detection. Islands harbor the Celestials, beings of the sun and moon. As tensions rise from both sides only outcasts from them both stand even the slightest chance to end the feud.

In Incandescent we follow teenaged Corinne Henderson as she is brought to the island sanctuary of celestial magic. Before she can fully accept this hidden world, the disappearance of Queen Lydia of the moon city, Artemitha, turns the sanctuary into a prison.

Tensions have been on the rise between the cities of the sun and moon for decades and without the queen, celestials are on the brink of a war. Trapped in the midst of it all Corinne and a few companions set out in search of the lost queen leading them to discover that Corinne may have a larger role in this conflict than anyone expected.