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#43

The opening line is really interesting :smiley: It’s something I never saw before. While this may not be the book for me, but finding veteran as MC is one case in million XD I like the premise and I can say I don’t see how to improve it unless you don’t want to add something about the stranger :slight_smile:

Rate: 10/10

My blurb for the upcoming book :wink:


NinRai

In the far away land, behind two mountains and merely three rivers walked a boy. There was no worry in his life, and if there was, it was soon beaten down to never bother him again. He and his unusual rabbit partner were on a quest without an end… to fill their noisy stomachs.

They might find the right opportunity in the next city, but the burning question was –Was the opportunity in the mood to let them go off the hook?

Wacky adventure alert!


#44

Thank you! Now I feel bad for changing it XD

9/10

Really intriguing! I like the concept and it makes me want to know more!

So now…the updated version of the Insomnia blurb :sweat_smile:

“Saving your country sometimes means betraying it first."

After twelve years of military service, Nia Clatcher is thrust back into civilian life following her honorable discharge.

However, with the growing threat of Communism and her own country’s internal corruption, the Free Districts of Northern America needs her more than ever. However, less than patriotic method may be necessary to win this war.


#45

Thank you so much for such high score XD Now I’m scared it will be a let down XD

If you don’t mind, what is your WP username? I can PM you when the story will be published :wink:

To be honest, I like both of your blurbs. Each have nice hook at the end, so choosing one can be only based on personal taste :wink: Why not to try switching between them from time to time?


#46

That’s a great suggestion, thank you! My personal favorite is he second but I appreciate he kind words. And you’re very welcome :slight_smile:

My user is sarakbeeksma (there should be a link in much profile on my profile here)

I’d love to know the publishing date!


#47

Right, I forgot you can see this info here :rofl: The publishing date isn’t set yet, but I’ll surely let you know about it :smiley:


#48

You’re good! Thank you :blush:


#49

Oh! 9/10 That’s a good summary for your story. Good job!

Inside my heart, there’s a doomsday clock. One day soon it will reach the last second. When that happens, I’ll just fade away. As if I was never even here. I will have to die knowing the fact that everyone I know’s clocks will continue to tick away the moments without me. I was never meant to live that long. My clock was programmed to end when everyone else’s seemed to have just begun.


#50

9/10. I love the emotions the blurb evokes, and it gives a good idea of the type of story it is without giving too many details away. However, I think it will be a more solid 10/10 if you polished the writing a bit so it flows better. For example, by avoiding phrases such as ‘the fact that’ that could pull the reader away.


A butterfly’s wings can bring thunderstorms. Tahro knew this. He knew it when he plunged into the world of his favourite manga. He knew it when he fought to save a main character’s life. But how much can he change the story before the plot begins to fall apart? Can you choose between your friends and a world?


#51

8/10. I like how you started the blurb with the idea of the buttefly effect already letting the potential reader know that whatever the MC is going to do, will have a big cause and effect thing. I also like it’s concise (something I lack so much, hahaha) but catchy. The only thing I didn’t like, which is why I gave it an 8, is how you ended your blurb. I think the question is a little confusing… “a world…” sounds to me like the idea is not complete. Maybe word it like “choose between your firends and a fantisy world” or “world of manga…” or anything more creative. And I don’t know why, but I see this line in the blurb like, “would you dare to step in?” Hahaha, just to make it more intriguing, like the reader is plunging themselves in the fantasy of the MC.

My blurb

I saw her, but she never saw me.

No matter what I did to break through her crystal globe of her mind, she still didn’t see me. I loved her from afar, more than I have ever, or could ever love someone. I loved her even though we have never exchanged a single word. I loved her because I could see how she saw the world differently. I was IN LOVE with her, because she WAS different. Just like me…

I was obssessed with her. I wanted to see her finally seeing ME. Because those dark and haunting eyes of hers, have been the first and last picture in my head, every day, for years.

Ivy’s mind is a mystery to me, and I want to uncover it, solve her.

I’m in love with Ivy’s mind. I just hope one day I get to tell her, and she lets me love her the way only I could…


Ivryl “Ivy” Tesla is perfectly happy in her colorful little world which involves a stable and predictable routine, her twin and older brothers, and her two best friends from infancy. There’s the occassional darkness, but with Gabe, Dami, Mav and Ry by her side, she can overlook the darkness lurking in the shadows of her crystal globe. They are all she ever wanted, all she could ever care for and all she could ever need. That is, until one night she is saved by an unknown stranger.

Once Ivy acknowledges Liam Price’s existence in her perfect little world, she witnesses how little by little her crystal globe starts to shatter. She resists, but he is persistent. He purposely forces himself into her world, and soon she finds out that it was not as perfect or colorful as she had believed it to be.

In the end, Liam might just be the one to uncover her deepest secrets and darkest demons, but also, the only one who could force her into a world of the brightest colors… A world she didn’t even know it existed inside her mind… inside her own heart.


#52

Thanks for the review ^^! Now that you mention it, I see the problem. I will change it to ‘the rest of the world.’ I think.


#53

Oh yes! With that you clear up something that I missed. When you wrote friends, you meant the friends the MC makes in the manga, don’t you? I had understood like the friends outside the manga. But that would definitely make it much more clear.


#54

Yup yup :slight_smile:! I’m glad it works XD!


#55

Title: Adventures of Prince Vajendra
Blurb:
Meet Prince Vajendra, aka the so-called spiritual Rishi of the continent of Vishaputra, a flat earth. He’s a man not interested in saving the world, but having his own adventures. A man that can talk with Gods, deal with flying airships, throw exploding bombs into the air. He must retrieve the powers that an evil Pharoah, named Nahakasha has taken from him. This story goes into a series of episodic sub-plots more than an overarching story.


#56

6/10

I really like this line as it gives me a great idea for the feeling of this character.

This line seems weaker, it doesn’t really grab my attention, maybe go into a bit more detail bout how he lost his powers?

I don’t really see the point of this line. Why not let the reader discover it for themselves?

This bit is very good too. The character seems very interesting and different to classic hero character.

My blurb. It’s for my next book, the draft title is No One

Christopher Santes is an ordinary teenage boy living on the planet of New Earth. He goes to school, does his homework, paints and draws his own art- normal teenage stuff. But he dreams of travelling to see the stars. One problem- Interplanetary is forbidden by law and is a punishable offence on New Earth.

Enter Qin, a mysterious girl who saves Chris’s life and offers him a choice- stay on New Earth and continue his normal life or to come with her on a journey through time and space that will be fraught with danger and wonder in equal parts.

Enter Matteo, the new kid in Chris’s school. He has an uncanny knack for finding out everyone’s secrets and letting the skip to the world. But what will happen if he finds out about Chris’s illegal travels?

The more he travels, the more Chris finds himself wondering who exactly Qin is. Who is she running from? And what does she have to do with the disappearance of his brother Alex six years ago?


#57

I think you’re blurb has the potential to be one of those really amazing, holy crap must read right now, kind of blurbs if you just move around some phrasing so it’s more pleasing to the eye and mind to read. Every blurb you read goes on about how normal MC’s life is, and that’s ok, situation normal is good, but pick the sort of odd thing in their situation normal and fit it into one-two lines at best. Maybe try starting with something like “On New Earth interplanetary travel is possible-but it’s illegal, but MC dreams of doing just that.” You could probably weave in the part about Matteo somewhere in that situation normal, then introduce Qin and end with the what-if’s involving Matteo, it adds tension-a lot of very good tension. Seriously. :slight_smile: Good luck writing your story and anything else.

My blurb:
Milo isn’t crazy. He knows what he saw, he knows a man with yellow eyes stalks him and three birds follow him everywhere. Milo isn’t crazy, but the world of the paranormal is, and he is caught smack in the middle of it’s war.

Before discovering he was a shapeshifter Milo's only concern was if his crush, Owen, liked him back, but everything changed the day he started growing claws and fangs. Now Milo must find a way to save a man who has been stolen, and end a centuries old war in the process, all the while juggling normal teenage drama in a paranormal world.

#58

10/10 it’s clean, concise, and flows well. In fact, I might go read that story :slight_smile:

Here’s a new one I’ve been working on for Ash and Cinder:
Hendrix ‘Trick’ Sanchez and his little sister Elle are illegal experiments. Sold to the Russian military, they have been forced to endure cruel experiments that changed their bodies and warped their minds.

After seven years of captivity the base Trick is being held at is destroyed in a sudden and mysterious attack. He escapes into the tundra with Elle at his side, but it’s an out of the frying pan and into the fire ordeal, and all Trick can do is try to keep his sister safe.


#59

9/10 It sounds real interesting. I would probably go read the story.

Here is one I posted a couple of days ago…

The story of Peter Pan and Captain Hook as you know it is all but gone in this chilling and sexy tale. Ashura a boy in appearance but a wise old man in mind finds a friend in Peter and a lover in Killian Jones. The immortal that started it all, who created the island and its ageless magic. This is a story of love, jealousy, hypocrisy, death and forgiveness.


#60

7/10 It sounds interesting and It’s always fun when you add in new characters to a story. I wouldn’t normally read this type of story because the balance of new main characters and old main characters can be upsetting if you like the original story and it’s not done well but I like to try new things,so I might read it.

Jayden lives in a very small town where keeping secrets is almost impossible.It was very easy to be rejected especially with so many eyes on you, so everyone tried there hardest to fit in and be normal but here’s the thing I’m not normal.

I’m a Kardarmian, the ancient people of the shadows, literally. Kardarmian, originates from the word Kardama which means shadow truly fitting since we can control them. Of course, that’s not the only thing we can do but that’s where our powers originated from and is something even the weakest of us can do.

Once upon a time, Kardarmian’s were a powerful and strong race but our kindness got the better of us, eventually leading to our downfall. Now we hide waiting for the day, when we can live in peace free to be what we once were. What happened you may ask? The Merayviran’s. Long ago the Merayviran’s played a foul trick on the Kardarmain’s that forces our people into hiding.

17 year old, Jayden Miran, is the only hope for the peace between the two people but to what lengths will he go to save them?


#61

8/10. I like your blurb. It seems to be a type of story I would definitely read. What I didn’t like, however, was how you sometimes used first person, and sometimes you used third person. It confused me and I think it would be better if you use only first or third person. Or you make it somehow clearer when you jump from the one to the other. Oh, and shouldn’t “Kardarmian’s” be just “Kardarmians”? Other than that, good job. I loved it! I hope I helped!

Here’s my summary/blurb:

Natalie Harper has spent the last several years of her life in fear. She hides a dark secret, a grim past that keeps following her even to this day. Her stalker, the person who had tried to kill her seven years ago.
What happens when a new man enters her life and she decides to finally fight back? Will Ash be able to help her overcome her demons? The ones in her mind and in real life? Will he be a game-changer and will the young woman finally have a chance for a new, better life?

And thus, a game of cat and mouse ensues.


#62

9/10

I like it. It leaves me wanting more and I would click into the book though I would suggest that you add some description about Natalie.

Until You Came Along.

What happens when you fall in love with the one person who has millions already in love with them?

Penny Wilson was never one for the spotlight. So when an internationally famous singer tweeted her she did the only thing she could think of.

Respond. Though she had gotten his name wrong.

Jake Bishop has been under the spotlight his whole life but once he walked into a hospital room one night, he stumbled on his words.

She made him nervous, yet she didn’t even know his name.

“Hey, I’m Jake,” he said in that deep voice which probably makes all his fans swoon, his brown eyes were lit up in amusement.

“No shit, I thought you were Zac Efron finally getting all the love letters I sent to him.”