You made me laugh sooo hard!! thank you for the review. Will take in consideration your points.
I hope you laughed good-naturedly? I just re-read my comment and I noticed it could’ve come off as a bit harsh. I’m sorry if you interpreted it that way. I have a way of being too blunt sometimes.
no!!! i laughed because what you said sounds true! stalkerish guy, that was so funny to me. no worries, no harm feelings, we are all learning, that’s the point of this.
Okay I’m not sure if this is needed at all because honestly, what does it tell about the story to the reader? I feel like the summary only starts when you start describing Louis. Because it looks shorter and simpler, I would write these two paragraphs into one long instead of two short ones:
‘Louis Stan had always been an outcast. There was no denying that the walls he had put up between himself and other people was the cause of this but being gay hadn’t helped either. However, being an outsider wasn’t his only problem: he had always tried to see the light, even in the darkest times, but with each passing day, it got harder. He becomes more closed off. Not letting the light reach him.’
You use too much of Louis’ name so try to use more of even ‘he/him’ because that can sound repetitive to readers. 7/10
The Lies That We Tell
Quentin Adams has been in love with his best friend for years. And although their happily ever after happens only in his dreams, he’s not one to give up. For so long, he had been willing to do anything to make his dreams come true and never had he even thought about anyone else.
But everyone has a breaking point. And unfortunately, after seeing the love of his life with someone else, he’s beginning to lose hope. Now, after years of waiting for impossible, he’s ready to move on. Find someone else. Be happy. But while trying to do that, he starts to realize that it’s harder than it sounds.
Later he finds himself trapped in a situation with an unexcepted stranger who might as well be what he never knew he needed. It’s now up to Quentin himself if he’s ready to take a risk and get his heart broken again.
it’s well written and now i have many questions about the story so that’s probably a good thing… makes the story sound interesting, although i’m not sure i like the first sentence of the last paragraph - could maybe reword it to make it sound slightly nicer??
It’s hard enough growing up. Add being one-fifth of the world-famous pop-punk band Burning Blue, some secrets no one should have to keep, and a lot of angry teenage girls? It’s a recipe for disaster.
Josh has a romance to die for. Tom needs to separate his past from his future. Ari is battling against his own mind. Ross can’t decide between himself and his friends. Sam doesn’t know what potential he has.
No one knows what’s in store for them as they move from being teen idols to adult musicians. It’s a scary world out there, and you know what they say: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
8/10. It’s a good summary. I do feel that the second sentence is really long.
The Playwright’s Prince
High school sophomore Sam Tucker is the embodiment of a bad boy - and bad boys don’t join drama club! So despite having a secret soft spot for theatre, Sam settles on creating real-life drama wherever he goes. One day it might be a catfight between two girls he’s dating, while another it might be a crazy prank.
When a late arrival to history class lands Sam in detention, he crosses paths with fellow student and aspiring playwright Luke Emerson. Luke’s been searching for the perfect muse for his play, and Sam is exactly what he’s looking for. But there’s a problem: Sam has serious stage fright.
The first paragraph is very cliche, overused, and typical to the bad boy theme. I liked the second paragraph much more and it sounded very cute. I’d focus on that budding relationship over the bad boy trope.
Mirror Me (Book 1)
Living in a home where mirrors are forbidden and a glance in one could bring disaster, Hope Martinez has found her life to be filled with questions. Struggling to survive as a Latina in South Texas, Hope never believed her family was anything special that is until her family’s mysterious power awakes within her. For three long years she has promised her mother to avoid mirrors fearful of the consequences. Now at sixteen, Hope learns there is a beautiful place waiting for her beyond the mirror; one filled with singing flowers, living dresses, dancing pigs, and wonderful magic. Why would such a beautiful place be hidden from her? One reason, Hope has a terrible destiny. She is to destroy the world.
9/10 I am very interested in this and how you are going to play this out!
“Sometimes, people are just in your life for a fleeting moment, for temporary happiness.”
Clover Dahlia was the shy girl who never wanted anyone to figure out who she truly was. She just wanted to get through high school and move away from the town that held all her horrible memories. She was someone Arsen Hopkins would have never thought about once due to their contrasting personalities.
It began when Mr. Hood paired them up for a class project but as their lives start to unravel before them, they might just realize that judging a book by its cover might not be a bad thing.
You used wanted twice on the first line. It was kind of jarring. It has some potential but when I read it out loud it’s clunky. 6.5/10
Here is mine. I need help with the first part.
Nicole Luna used to be normal, before ‘he’ began to sexually abuse and exploit her. That was years ago, and although she’s convinced herself she doesn’t need help, the pain hasn’t faded and ‘he’ still haunts her dreams.
After being placed at Meadowbrooke, a brand new long term care facility and school. Nicole has one last chance to escape her past. But how can you confront your nemesis when it looks back at you in the mirror?
I’d give this one a 7.5 out of 10; the intensity of the words is striking, and the way you structured you sentences has a good flow. But (and this might just be me), I’m kind of confused about the whole “he” and the mirror thing; you could specify a bit more there.
Mine:His eyes smolder out of the darkness as he stalks towards me. I can feel my breathing speeding up and have no choice but to back away, until we are dancing in a deadly dance, him the predator, me the prey. I feel the wall against my back and know I’ve lost as his arms move forward, caging me between them. “I don’t know you,” James whispers. His long fingers are impossibly light as they tip my face upward. “Who are you, Annalin Brown? Because you don’t belong here.”
Annalin doesn’t remember. She doesn’t know how she woke up in Johnson Manor as a common maid for a dangerous, ruthless family of business, but knows one thing; she certainly didn’t start here. So why does everyone act like this is where she belongs ?
Flashes of her life blink in front her eyes as Annalin struggles to untangle her past, and find out where she came from, while wrestling with the one boy who may see through her illusion. One slip, one sign that she is anything but a meek housemaid, and the Johnsons will not spare her. She is dispensable, a pawn in a game, and to keep from being taken, she must hold her walls firmly up while teasing out the answers to her past.
Kind of long tho…
He was her abuser and she’s her own worst enemy. Most of the conflict is internal. I hope that helps. She almost never names her abuser although once you start it’s fairly obvious who it was, and simply calls him… well him or he.
7.5 out of 10. It’s intriguing, it makes me actually curious about the MC’s past too and how come she landed in this situation and what the story will uncover. It makes me feel like I would go into a adventure to unveil the truths together with the MC, which seems fun.
HOWEVER one thing I am not much a fan of, and that may be personal taste, is having an excerpt of your story in the summary. It’s a good one, but for me excerpts are hard to grab my attention, because I wanna know what the story is about, not already read part of it. But as I said, personal taste. Maybe if you wanna keep it I would put the snipped after the actual summary, so ppl who see the story first see the actual summary. The excerpt also makes more sense after knowing a bit what the story is about.
𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘒𝘢𝘺𝘦, 𝘴𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘦, 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵, 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘦𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯? 𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘱 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵, 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨, …𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦.
▷This story is the tale about different hardships in matters of love, bullying, friendship and sexuality of teenage kids living in Bradford. They are all somehow in some way linked to each other, …just without knowing it yet. This particularly story is about the life of a girl named Chiantey, her college time in the UK, the struggle of finding herself and where she belongs, and of course her very first love Kaye…which turns out more complicated than what she ever anticipated her first love to be.◁
8 out of 10. Your writing style is very unique, and I really love it. However, I am a bit confused as to the different perspectives. The first paragraph is in first person, yet the second paragraph is a narration/third person view. It’s confusing because I can’t tell whether or not the first paragraph is an excerpt or not. But when I read your critique on the other person’s summary, you said you didn’t like excerpts. It just confused me, but my suggestion would be to change the first paragraph into third person, just to make it a little more clear that it’s a summary and not an excerpt, and it also will flow better into your second paragraph. But i’m just a random stranger on the internet, and I’m by no means perfect, so honestly do what you think will fit your story best. But I do want to say that I love the moth analogy, it made me laugh. (In a good, relatable way)
Yours Truly, Ramona
Ramona and her little brother were supposed to stick together. That was the promise that they’ve stuck to their entire lives. From corrupt foster homes to even more corrupt foster parents, it’s always been Ramona and little eight-year-old Mason, the two kids that stick together like glue.
But, unfortunately, life doesn’t abide by the rules of a child, and the very people Ramona instilled even the slightest bit of trust in found a way to betray her.
People like Owen Parker, the doctor Ramona trusted to treat her little brother’s sprained wrist last year.
But Owen Parker had other plans, and one year later he’s managed to dig his way back into Ramona and Mason’s lives, only to separate the two of them and send Ramona’s entire world into a downwards spiral of hatred, betrayal, and a hell of a lot of drugs.
Brotherless, parentless, and alone in the city of Portland, Ramona has to find a way to cope, and she has to find a way to forgive the man who took her little boy from her.
But Ramona can’t cope, she can’t forgive, and she can only bend so many times before she breaks.
Thanks so much for the little review! ♪ I know what you mean about it getting confused for an excerpt, I’ve been struggling with this a bit. But I wanted it to be kind of like my MC telling the reader about her story in the first paragraph. Breaking the fourth wall in a sense. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to make it more clear.
I don’t really know if it is any good, but i would love to know ya’ll opinion on it so that i can improve.
In a world where we know everything about everyone even from miles away, is it possible that you feel so out of reach…
When reality is mixed with a dream what’s the outcome? Should a dream stay just a dream or are they meant to teach us to look at things in a different way?
In a world where we know everything about everyone even from miles away, why is it possible you feel so out of touch?
What’s the outcome when dreams and reality mix?
Thank you so much. That truly sounds so much better than mine.
Glad I could help. Obviously you can use and abuse it. If you’re in doubt about a sentence, read it out loud so you can hear it.
Really appreciate it. It sounds so much better. I like it a lot. Thank you for your advice. it helped me loads.