HAZAAH Book Critiques (1 spot open)

writing
feedback-offered
critiques
critiquingservice

#41

Thank you everyone for your patience. I’m getting around to doing the next round of reviews soon. If I made a mistake about your payment and such please let me know. As much as I want to do this for free it does take a lot of time for me to give you valuable feedback. I hope you are all having a good week. HAZAAH!


#42

Dear Crazy Ole Elf

Title: Katherine : His Love, Her Revenge
Genre: Suspence/Romance/Mystery
Summary:
The story of a young man captivated by Katherine, who seeks revenge for reasons unknown.
A story filled with characters you’ll hate to love and love to hate.
A romance novel where each chapter comes with a surprise only to confuse you more. Clues to unveil secrets can be found it if you know how to join the dots.

Questions are important, even the unanswered ones…

Your writing experience, about you:
I’m studying in college, so as much as I love writing and reading, time is a big problem. But over the past few months I’ve written almost half the story, still writing. I only just published this and this is technically my first novel. I’m very passionate about books though, hence why I even started writing. I want to create my own story, with characters I relate and love. Characters who aren’t perfect, who make mistakes and bad decisions. That is atleast what I’m trying to do with this book.

Link:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/164571922-katherine-his-love-her-revenge


#43

Dear Crazy Ole Elf,
Title: The inheritance system
Genre:wuxia/asian fantasy
Summary: reborn in a new world with a system
Your writing experience; about you: no writing experience. writing because my life sucks.
Link:https://www.wattpad.com/story/164171698-rebel-the-inheritance-system


#44

I am looking to go self publishing, but wouldn’t mind an indepth expert look. This story satisifes one category: Minorities. The world is multi-cultural, so you have fantasy Ancient India, fantasy Ancient Egypt, fantasy Persian Empire, fantasy Medieval Japan etc. The novel is not finished, but I’d like to get an idea of what you make of it?

FORMAT

Dear Crazy Ole Elf,
Title: The Adventures of Prince Vajendra
Genre: High Action Adventure Fantasy
Summary: A spiritual sage that can talk with the Gods, be powerful and immortal, whas had half his powers stolen by an evil Pharoah that once upon a time destroyed the world, has to go and retrieve the powers back. This story is a episodic plot, so there’s always individual villians etc.
Your writing experience; about you: Been writing a long time, entered the Historical Writing competition, once went through a lit up contest, which was about 100 words, shortlisted for that. Have entered the James Watson Science comp and got feedback on that. Write mainly in Ancient World.
Link:https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/169477580-the-adventures-of-prince-vajendra

I am new so if I have made any mistake please correct me.


#45

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for Dragon Rider in the Modern World

Summary 6/10
The best way I can describe this summary without having read the book is basic. I get a lot from the title already being that it is a dragon rider in a modern world. Also since this is a time all of us are familiar with it seems a bit redundant to inform us that in 2018 people believe dragons are mythical creatures. It lacks a certain depth and uniqueness in this sentence. A twist on the idea would perhaps best be found in the location of the book which I find is lacking from the summary. Is this happening in the deep south backwoods countryside or in a bustling city with tall buildings (a unique and wonderful setting I would suspect you would have chosen to set your book in). I can imagine a dragon sweeping through the streets of manhattan, hitting the TVs in time square with its tails just as it learns to fly. Now that would be unique. Where does the dragon come from? It seems to just appear in the summary like Valarie had possessed it all her life. (Also I find knowing the dragon’s name takes away part of the mystery.) The summary ends with asking the reader two questions. This tactic of suspense is a good way of capturing intrigue, but only if it is slightly alluded to in the summary itself and not tacked on as these appear to be. Has Valerie wondered if she is alone? Is she part of some mystical connection? Is it necessary that her friends have say so in what Valerie can and cannot do with a dragon or is she her own person? I’m left lacking as a reader a certain uniqueness that can enhance my desire to spend time reading on. I suspect this may be a first draft so keep at it.

First Line 6/10
The first line of a story is a very important line for all writers. It usually sets a tone for the book, provides a jump into a story, or gives insight into the main character. Yours falls more under a statement. Valarie usually wakes up at 6 in the morning. I find it grabs very little of her personality except from the fact that she likes to wake up early. You also mention the word morning twice in the same short sentence as though repeating it within 9 words was not enough for the reader to understand the story was beginning at 6 in the morning. What I might suggest is instead making this begin with something that Valerie would normally do, break it up and add tension. What if this morning started out unusual? It is always safe to write about our characters acting normal, but throw them into a world they are unfamiliar with is a great way to nab the attention of the reader. Example: Before my alarm rang at 6 that morning, I jolted awake with wide eyes and a shortness of breath.

Readability 7/10
I hope you don’t mind but I did comment spam your chapters. While I did request not to read fan fiction, I did find that it at least referenced a book series I loved as a young adult. Otherwise as far as readability goes, the story flowed smoothly for much of it, though parts were sudden and quick. This did not bother me as much as it was a topic I was familiar with.

Grammar 5/10
Your weakness here lies with sentence structure and description. While I do see you love description, many things take on a list format and are repeated throughout. As a reader I did feel jarred with being reminded over and over certain descriptions regarding the time of day, the description of a rock that may be a rock that may also be an egg, etc. I did find other issues with plot devices such as the obvious references to Eragon. If a fan fiction is where you were going with this, state in the summary that this is an Eragon inspired book, and therefore we don’t need the many references as only those familiar with the story will understand. I’m not the best judge when it comes to these types of works and their format, but I did offer in the comments many ways that some sentences could be improved and ideas to be expanded upon.

Characters 7/10
I only really get two characters in the first two chapters, Valarie and her dragon. Valarie is very much a female Eragon set in the modern world. I’m not shocked, but I was hoping for a bit more originality. Valarie does seem like a smart girl which is why some scenes about her contemplating being calling the rock an egg or not an egg seemed off for her character. The dragon is cute which is what makes the dragon perfect.

World Building/Setting 6/10
I like the countryside feel though I am still unsure after reading this exactly where it takes place. I would hope the story moves to a big city with tall buildings. I feel that is where the story will excel and break away into it’s own story.

Total Score 37/60

Final thoughts: Not a bad opening, but so far not much originality. I will say I’m a bit disappointed on the heavy references and near direct correlation to the Eragon story franchise that both the character and the plot have taken. While this is not a direct fan fiction, it does not stray far, and I would have liked a little notice prior to reading. You mentioned publication. I’m afraid with how many themes this story pulls from other works it may be very very difficult to get it traditionally published. You do have the makings of a good writer and a good book if you can pull out more of you and less of someone else. You are off to a great start. I’ve been writing for ten years now and my early works were much like yours. They eventually grew and evolved into my own stories which I feel may happen to yours someday. Keep up the good work, write as much as you can, and never give up no matter what anyone says. I believe in you.


#46

done!


#47

Thank you. This means a lot to me. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I did try to edit out the references in the first chapter. I think the advice for the first sentence was really useful.


#48

@Jules_Haigler hey are you still doing reviews? If so, here’s my story.

Title: Bitten by History

Genre: YA supernatural

Summary: Emilia Temple, the daughter of an influential man, is a troubled young woman whose problems only get worse when on a late night out in London she and her younger cousin witness three strange young men with inhuman speed and strength murder a group of people with an ounce of remorse. Hauled into a dark and terrifying new world that neither of them knew existed, Emilia must fight to keep herself and Sofie alive. But Emilia isn’t the only one with demons and soon Sofie’s pose as much of a threat to their survival as the blood-sucking monsters that hold them captive.

About me: I’ve been on wattpad for a while but only started posted on here a few years ago. I’m not very confident with my writing abilities but I’m always striving to improve.
I really like to write about characters that question our own views of right and wrong and help us see the world differently. I’m a sucker for the redeemable bad boy and the unforgivable villains. I like to write stories that address reality but in a more fantastical way. Human seem to understand things better when they are wrapped up in a good story :yum:


#49

I should have some time tomorrow to post more reviews. Sorry again for the wait. I’m trying to be as thorough as possible.


#50

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for Bearheart

Summary 10/10
So much information jam packed and so well presented. I got everything I need for a perfect summary. There was mystery, history, tragedy, and even action. I already have a good picture of the main character, the setting, their struggles, and a villain. I have nothing negative to say here. Well done. All should look to this as an example for a good summary.

First Line 8/10
A very lovely line. I can feel the parents’ sorrow and love for their child. I feel even an immediate emotional connection to characters I don’t even know. While I do love it, I feel it is not striking enough or entirely original. It does set up the tone for a tragic or revenge story, but it does little to provide the uniqueness that would make it a perfect ten. I’ve seen this plot device in many stories and movies. Someone important to the character dies and leaves behind a note that will eventually spark the character to seek answers or fulfill a dying wish. Now since this is part of a prologue and a letter I read on. The rest of the letter does throw some clues, but for the most part it is a sweet goodbye and an apology filled with regret. Does it as a whole excite me? Not completely. I would like to see something shocking here, something that may reveal to the main character a sudden revelation behind the passing of his parents.

Readability 8/10
While the story flows very well and I get a lot of information about the world, the events to come, and the main character, I find it is presented in a tell format. This format is ok for most people, but the current market is looking for a show format. I know because as I started seeking agents for my book, I was turned down by ten simply because it was presented as a tell format. The reason I point this out is because I can see it working as a powerful show story that slowly reveals its secrets over time and the dialogue creates the emotion of the world. This does happen a bit later on in the chapter, but by then I’ve started to get a little overwhelmed with information. You do well describing the character and you do provide the character’s name within the first chapter (which might be surprising but many new authors either wait for many chapters or never say the name of their character). I was confused about one thing and that was the sequence of events between the prologue and the beginning of the book. Reading the prologue I got the sense that the parents were dead and then reading the first chapter I found they were alive. Perhaps I missed something, but a little clarity there might do you some good.

Grammar 10/10
Nothing wrong that I could find. Perhaps if I did a more detailed focus on grammar I could find something, but for the majority of what I read, I wouldn’t change much.

Characters 9/10
The characters were all rich and worked well together, all very believable down to their actions and interactions. The interaction between Hala and his mother and siblings was good. I especially liked the interaction between Hala and his father the best. Very lovely family. Now I expect something terrible is about to happen. I did get a lot of characters in the first chapter. Not so many that I got lost, but enough to make be read back to make sure I didn’t skip over a name and how they were connected.

World Building/ Setting 10/10
A well crafted world and very unique. I do like how you focus on the traditions and their meanings. I do like the introduction of the evil people in chapter two and the dynamic of beliefs between them and this group of people. I saw every scene very well.

Total Score 55/60

Final thoughts. A near perfect score from me. My biggest issues is the amount of information packed into the first couple of chapters (perhaps some of the history could be part of the prologue), the disconnect between prologue and chapters, and the lack of suspense. I know you are building a story and getting us introduced to the characters, but I made it to chapter two and I still don’t have a tattoo ceremony. All I’m getting is sweet family that I feel will be killed off soon. This makes me wonder why should I read so many chapters about them and develop a long relationship with them if their death will be the turning point of the story. Keep in mind I’m only speculating what will happen as the prologue is throwing me off. Other than these nitpicky things, I thought you have a well crafted story, well constructed and dynamic characters, and a beautiful gift for writing. I wish I could offer more, but I feel you are on a good path and I see this story going far.


#51

Next to be reviewed: @AnneMcKae


#52

Dear Crazy Ole Elf,
Title: Blame the goddess
Genre: Werewolf / Vampire / Witch
Summary: Meet Callum ‘Cal’ Yorke an omega, a hybrid of the Elders and humans, who after much physical and emotional abuse and pain decided to bypass his goddess and change his destiny with the help of a god. Cal dares to forge a new way for his wolf and himself, changing the status quo along the way. Cal has had enough and is daring to go head to head with the Moon goddess. But what can a lowly human do in a fight for all with a goddess, unless the human brings in a god as an ally…let the fight for Cal’s life and loves begin.

Your writing experience; about you: Newbie, first-time author
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/166762033-blame-the-goddess


#53

Wow, thank you so much for your kind words! It’s encouraging to know that you see promise in the story. I’ve been very insecure about getting back into writing and it really helps to see that people enjoy the world I’ve built. And thank you for pointing out the things you did. Those are absolutely good points.

Since I know now that it wasn’t clear in the story, I’ll tell you a bit about what my intentions were. The book, starting with the prologue, is a letter from adult-Hala to her son about the massive shiz that went down at her marking ceremony and how she was tasked with fixing it. This is kind of a spoiler but, I promise that the action doesn’t start with the death of the happy family! I just wanted to spend a long time with them because adult-Hala has been running from her past for so long and is finally telling her kid about his grandparents and his ancestral homeland for the first time. And I wanted to show how happy and ordinary her life was before she got involved in the dark stuff following the ceremony. There are definitely adjustments to be made in the story, but that’s totally fine, because it’s the first draft of my first-ever story and I can’t expect it to be perfect. Thank you again for sharing your honest perspective. The advice of seasoned writers is a massive help for me :slight_smile:


#54

Glad I could help :grinning:


#55

Finished payment! <3


#56

I already followed you