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#81

@CatharsisKingdom your review is next


#82

Thank you!


#83

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for Airborn

Summary 8/10
My first impression is I enjoyed this summary. After reading it a few times I noticed it was confusing me in some regard. My biggest question lies if this other dimension on Earth (across a sea of sand) why is it in another dimension when it sounds to be physically across a desert? I don’t know. I may need clarification on that, but it gives you room to expand upon that idea. Other than that I was lacking a main character and a conflict to overcome. I did like the suspense on what would happen if these two worlds came together, but I don’t think it was your intention to sound like it wouldn’t be such a big deal. I get a sense from this that the drama between the Airborns and humans was simple and they just need to kiss and make up. Give me a greater sense of concern, a stronger conflict, and I can see this being perfect.

First Line 5/10
This is a very basic, descriptive opening line, one I have seen countless times. In other words, it did not excite me. I hoped the following lines might add more, but again I felt this was not your best opening. I understand the evil human ruler felt threatened by the power of flight, but if the Airborns weren’t a violent people why did that threaten him? Honestly he comes off more like a guy with a chip on this shoulder than evil (maybe they picked on him as a kid and threw his booksack in a tree and that is why he is jealous and threatened by the wings). Next I get repeated information about the Airborns escaping across the sea of sand. Also if this is Earth, what time period is this and what geographical location could be described as the sea of sand?

Readability 7/10
For the most part your story read smoothly. The issues I had dealt mostly with plot. The first chapter did not have much happen. You did introduce the need for Bremira to hide her hair with a wig and not use her name. This is not addressed until chapter two which feels like an info dump chapter, a big step back from the lovely visuals you had in chapter one. While it is important to introduce plot information it is best done when the need first arises such as the kings fear of a person with red hair leading the nation to war. This fact could have been included with the introduction of the wig. And why a wig. You do point out that Bremira used to have it dyed. Is there a reason why she made it more difficult for herself to use a wig while flying (better be some strong lace fronts)? Also would like some more excitement in these opening chapters. You have the emotion and the character interaction down, but give me an event, something the characters are headed to or currently in that would lead to them experiencing these emotions.

Grammar 9/10
I saw a couple of typos here and there. Nothing major. You’ve got a good sense of the English language and use plenty of action verbs and nice transitions between character dialogue and description.

Characters 8/10
The characters of Samuel and Bremira play very well on each other, and Bremira’s reactions to her parent’s deaths. Where they are lacking is more so in the world they inhabit. At this point in time I have trouble matching them to the setting as they seem like foreign entities in a world that feels both modern and old age.

Setting 6/10
In order for your characters to find a foundation they need a place to stand. I don’t get much of a glimpse of this world and how it operates or even the time this takes place. It feels old timey and mystical but also I get the sense of modernism with the photograph on the table. I keep going back to the summary where you say, “deep within the Earth’s forgotten past…” and wanting to compare it to Earth of some parallel dimension. This Kingdom of Balik is it on Earth?

Total Score 43/60

Final Thoughts: I see the potential of a good story here. Unfortunately it needs to find itself out of all the fluff. I like the prophecy concept but be careful you make it unique or it will fall under a cliche. Give me more conflict, more of a coherent reason for the evil human ruler to do what he did. Bring out the setting and let the characters wander in it instead of have it develop around them. It is a good start but all good things take time and effort. Keep working at it. I hope this helps.


#84

@JJohnson-Pitter your story is next to be reviewed!


#85

Thank you so much for the review! So the story will actually go into the other dimension concept. I’ll try to make the summary more clear in that regard. The motives for the ruler is one of the twists in the story so I can’t really explain that one early on but there is going to be a lot more conflict then just him.

That’s something I haven’t though about! I’ll try and make the characters interact with the world their in a bit more so that they fit there. Thank you for pointing that out, it helps a lot!

So the world is also a twist and a secret so I’m trying to describe it without giving away where they are.

I’ll definitely work on making my setting more of a character, I’ll try to flesh that out more.

Again thank you so much, this helps me see the areas I need to work on!


#86

Glad I could help. Let me know if you need anything else. By helping people with their writing I’m growing with mine so it’s a win win.

Also remember don’t sacrifice keeping the reader’s attention for a plot twist. Foreshadowing is a handy tool in that instance.


#87

bookmarking so i can return when i finally post chapter two lmao. i also know im going to score 0/10 for my blurb. it was written in2016 and NEEDS WORK lol


#88

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for Yung Yakuza Trilogy: Broken

Summary 6/10
I do like how you give me right off the characters name and some backstory. I get a good sense at the life of Luna up to a point. My problem lies though with the repetition, the lacking of a conflict, or a reason why Luna is even there. Most authors tend to lack a character and focus on plot in their blurb. Yours is the opposite. I don’t get enough to know what is going on here and why I need to devote my time to reading this. Excite me more. Repetition can be a good thing if used seldom, but within this blurb takes it too far. She “was told” is used five times in this short blurb. I might suggest other verbs, action verbs, along with more details and this could work nicely.

First Sentence 4/10
I was very confused by this first sentence. First I think you meant to say “harsher” and not “hasher.” A typo in the first word of your book is never a good way to start. It is also not ideal to start with a comparison, and also the sentence is very long. An example for a good start might be:
“Pain erupted in her eyes.” That captures a lot of tension; it is short and exciting.

Readability 6/10
I found the chapters I read to not be as exciting as I would have hoped. The fun moments were removed such as hearing Luna’s performance or even the rules or reason why of this competition. I got a lot of character interaction but very little of anything else as far as plot goes. You do rely heavily on your characters which is good, but I lost focus when more came into the picture and little was explained. Lastly, your first chapter was way too long and did not end on hook. Chapter two was much better and I felt more connected to the world and the characters in that chapter than in the first.

Grammar 8/10
Most of what I saw could easily be fixed with a good edit, an apostrophe there, a broken up sentence here, etc.

Characters 8/10
You have a good sense at creating a narrative for your characters. They read very well with their descriptions and interactions with one another. While some parts felt a little unrealistic, I found the characters to fit well into the story. I would have liked to see a bit more uniqueness to the characters themselves besides relying on their descriptions; perhaps a funny or unusual quirk. I want to believe Luna is the main character but it became unclear the more I read

World Building/ Setting 6/10
Setting is an important tool to ground your characters instead of having them hover in space. It can be a tricky thing to pull off for most writers as we already have a clear picture in our heads of our world. We must keep in mind that the reader does not have this luxury. In reference to your story I found very little to ground me in the setting. I would like to know what time period this takes place in, is it an alternate earth, future, dystopian, fantasy, where is the performance taking place, etc…

Total Score 38/60

Final thoughts: So you have a decent start. I do believe you still have a good ways to go as far as crafting your world and letting your words dance freely on the page instead of being constricted in character description and interaction. I would also love to have more excitement and explanation within the story (beware to fall into the “telling” trap). I see you wish to be a publisher and I am supportive on that endeavor. To get there though I think you need to hone your craft a bit more. Do some reading on fantasy writing or check out other people’s books to see how their world plays out. If you can capture me in the first sentence and hook me in the last, you’ve succeeded! Remember I am here to help. I’ve been writing for 10 years and while I have not published through a major publisher yet, I’ve worked with authors and given workshops on writing so use me, abuse me. Best of luck!


#89

@another_xreaderx you are the next to be reviewed!


#90

Thank you


#91

Im curious to know which chapter u stopped at. Chapter 5 is my guess???


#92

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for Katherine: His Love, Her Revenge

Summary 6/10
I want to say I have two different summaries, the one you posted here and the one on your book. The one you posted on this thread is in my opinion the stronger of the two. The summary attached to your book reads like an open ended poem that lacks a focus. There is also a repetitiveness of sentences starting with “she” that annoyed me. Otherwise the summary on here gives me a little more than the poem and presents it more like a book would. The thing I don’t get here is plot. I only get a name and some cliche hooks that don’t reveal anything new. Tell me more about Katherine. What makes her different, her situation different? Why are things happening the way they are? What is the conflict?

First Sentence 6/10
I’ll start by saying it is a sentence fragment, and while in some cases that may work, here I don’t believe it does for the sole reason as I am not hooked immediately. Then we lead into a sex scene. There is nothing wrong with this except my personal opinion is I, the reader, don’t know anything about these people to feel their emotional intimacy.

Readability 6/10
As I entered into the story my first thought was that Zain is full of contradictions. He is complaining about how people are so trivial on what they wear and how they dress, and yet he does it too. As much as Zain hates it, he continues to judge people based on their clothing, complains about wearing a suit instead of being himself, and even instantly falls in love with the most gorgeously dressed woman at the party. In a way I don’t get a redeeming quality that would make me want to care for Zain. This stretches into the readability as now I am forced to see the party through the mind of a character who is not themselves. The first chapter also ends in a romeo and juliet goodbye. He doesn’t get her name and then strives to meet her again. A bit overused formula and not very exciting. Chapter two is a bit better now that I see the world from Katherine’s pov. It was jarring to jump between two first person povs and then to a third person. For this to work it needs to be seamless. I would perhaps recommend breaking it up into separate chapters.

Grammar 9/10
Your grammar is good. Only a couple of spots threw me. Those sentence fragments at the beginning put me off the most and might do so for a few readers. Otherwise, nothing a good editor won’t fix.

Characters 7/10
Katherine steals the show. I found her to be more redeemable and elaborate than Zain, who annoyed me most of all. I wouldn’t mind reading the whole story from Katherine’s pov. This other person with the pills, not sure about him. I don’t feel he fits into this world you created, especially since his introduction doesn’t come with a name and breaks up the tense/flow so suddenly. Could this person be Zain? I am left confused. Also how old are these people? They must be in their 20’s I suspect. Zain talks a lot about his father so I think he still lives at home.

World Building/Setting 5/10
You spend a lot of time on dialogue, character internal thoughts, and back story. I don’t get much of the setting. I got some of the bar poking through, but the rest is a blur to me. A good setting can help play on your character’s strengths and break up the monotony of the character’s thoughts. What I’m saying is I need more foundation. At the moment many of the scenes hang in limbo.

Total Score 39/60

Final Thoughts: What I would love to see is a bit more excitement. As far as the opening goes, it’s a sex scene I don’t care about simply for the fact I know nothing about these characters. The writing is good in many places, but could use some touches of setting and more redeeming qualities from some characters. I think your biggest weakness right now is plot. Give me something unique and exciting to play on. A lot of stories open up with sex scenes or parties with fateful meetings. You can still use these but make them your own. I wish you the best of luck and seek me out if you ever need help.


#93

@iHateMilks your review is next. Thank you for your patience.


#94

A spot has reopened on my list. If you wish to join please do the payment and I will add you in. Otherwise when I am finished with this list I intend to do another immediately following.


#95

Dear Crazy Ole Elf,
Title: Blame the goddess
Genre: Werewolf/vampire/Witch
Summary: Callum ‘Cal’ Yorke an omega, a hybrid of the Elders and humans, who after much physical and emotional abuse and pain decided to bypass his goddess and change his destiny with the help of a god. Cal dares to forge a new way for his wolf and himself, changing the status quo along the way. Cal has had enough and is daring to go head to head with the Moon goddess. But what can a lowly human do in a fight for all with a goddess, unless the human brings in a god as an ally…let the fight for Cal’s life and loves begin.
Your writing experience; about you: None – first time out
Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/166762033-blame-the-goddess

GRADING SCALE (with comments)

Summary __/10
First Line __/10
Readability __/10
Grammar __/10
Characters __/10
World Building/Setting __/10
Total Score __/60

Payment: permanent follow - done


#96

Thank you. Will add you to the list soon.


#97

thank you, Please PM once done,thanks again.


#98

payment completed


#99

Thank you everyone for your patience. I’ve been busy with my new job so I haven’t had much time. I do try to give everyone a detailed review so again bear with me.


#100

Please remember all my comments are meant to be constructive and are not a representation of you as a writer.

Review for The Inheritance System

Summary 5/10
The first thing while reading your summary I noticed was the delay in introducing the main character. I got a name a few sentences in. I feel that it would do better immediately to introduce Shang Shi. The second thing I noticed is a common thing for many new writers. It’s creating a character that is normal or as you put it untalented. While that may be true to Shang’s character, it does not provide the spark needed for a reader to devote their time into reading on. Always give your character a bit of uniqueness to set them apart and don’t rely on the world around them to do the job. Readers want to fall in love with the characters they read so always make them memorable. Otherwise I did like the fact he is reincarnated into a world of immortals. That part intrigues me. Not sure where the inheritance system part plays in yet.

First Line 8/10
I do really love your first sentence. I don’t it is perfect but it is close. Perhaps you could say, “In many cultures, a divine birth is often accompanied by several explainable phenomena.” It’s a bit wordy in its current state, but not bad at all. I found it set the tone quite well and as this is a story about inheritance, it would make sense to begin with a epic birth of someone extremely influential. I do want to add, while I appreciate your examples in the next chapter it does repeat the theme a bit too much. One example may be fine but careful not to go overboard.

Readability 6/10
Again I want to say I love the opening few paragraphs. You set up a very interesting world, but as I read on that interest was interrupted but the religious inclusion. I understand why you put it, but it was more detailed than necessary and could be edited down to a couple of sentences. For most of what I read I got a lot of “telling,” a lot of recollection of past events and not much push as far as plot goes. The trend for many authors is the art of show. That means the use of getting story explained not through a rambling of this happened, then this, but tell the story through the thoughts and actions of the characters. Example, if someone has had an abusive father, instead of telling me about the abusive father, create dialogue and character interaction between the father the MC, one that shows his abusiveness. The use of brackets to denote the internal thoughts of the MC was detracting. Authors use either quotes or italics to denote such thoughts.

Grammar 7/10
You mentioned the work was unedited and it does show. There are the distracting miss capitalized words, redundant sentences, and funny word structure in some places. There is a lot of content within the first two chapters. Almost too much. I suggest to edit down when the time comes.

Characters 6/10
I really want to love your characters, but I feel you are holding back. I want to believe that the MC is special since God Himself spoke with him. Each time I get that sense of interest it is quickly shadowed by the fact that this character is made to be flat and dry.

World Building/Setting 7/10
I don’t get much setting, but I do get a complex system, one I like seeing develop as I read. Since the book so far relies so much on telling, the setting gets lost. I’m sure you bring this world out later on in the novel, but it is crucial to also include it in the beginning. Unless this character is floating in a void, give me a foundation to imagine.

Total Score 39/60

Final thoughts: I see potential here, but I also see a lot of work ahead of you to perfect it. You say you have little experience in writing and as such I see some rookie mistakes, all of which I have made over the years. I recommend you start with bringing that main character into the spotlight and be bold, take a risk, give him a funny quirk, or a deluded passion. Best of luck and remember you can reach out to me anytime.