Help with blurb for short-story


#1

Hi! If you haven’t read this topic yet you probably should as of this is an extension of it, but you can help without as well if you want. It may just give you some more information!

tldr; I’m writing a short story based on a dream I had. [insert the beginning I shared to ask if it sounded like a good idea]

I need help with the blurb, or reactions to it. Something that can give me an idea if it is good or bad, possibly what can be done better. It’s a short story so I don’t want to give too much away, but I feel like I’ve captured it quite well in everything but the last sentence yet because… I didn’t know how to end it because I’m still drafting. Just wanna hear some thoughts!

Current blurb to They Will Ring Our Name:
In Sabina’s city, murder is routine. Every day someone is chosen for the Certainty and given two options: being executed on the spot or go into treatment for what’s said to be an abstruse heart fever that may eradicate the whole city if they are not kept in check. Until recently, people picked and died no matter their choice. Now, they’re tired of it. When a name gets called and Sabina has no choice but to stake her own life, she and her friends set out for the escape of their lifetime. Taking them from their home streets to the floors of the bizarre Red Plaza, there’s no certainty anyone will get out alive.

*changes from original are put in cursive


#2

someone?


#3

It sounds a bit similar to the Black Mirror “White Bear” episode.


#4

The very first sentence kind of confuses me. I don’t really know what “death rules” means. It could mean Death is an entity that makes rules for the city. It could mean death is an epidemic for some reason. It could mean DEATH IS AWESOME! The next sentence is intriguing, but still a little confusing. Treatment for what? Are they all infected with something, and that’s why death rules? Why not treat everyone? It’s not giving away too much to reveal what kind of death and treatment we are talking about, because the real story is the daring escape.

“The mysterious Red Plaza” could use a bit more of a teaser. Why is it ominous or mysterious? It could look something like this: …to the mysterious Red Plaza, rumored to be the burial place of all those who chose death. Or …from where no one has ever returned. Just give a taste of why it’s a scary place to go.

I like the ending. “…there’s no certainty anyone will get out alive” leaves it with an air of desperation. Good job there.


#5

They go into treatment for what?


#6

Thank you! I’ll look into the things you mentioned.


#7

You also say “they die” but you don’t say how - you don’t say that they are hunted. A reader might think they get executed by hanging or lethal injection from this blurb.

It’s all a bit too vague.


#8

where do I say “they die?” can’t find it.


#9

You changed it to “choose to die”

Either way I think it’s still too vague.


#10

ty.

it will come up quite early in the story tho? they are being executed on the street
but they also have the choice from the state to be executed right there and there or go into their treatment\experiment.

I’ll try and change it.