Help With My Paragraph

I just recently started writing again after a long break and need help with my starting paragraphs.

The loud thundering of footsteps echoes in the corridor as he stumbles, attempting to pick up the pendant he dropped only to swipe at nothing. He lays down, his eyes squinting trying to fumble around the ground wasting time and only finding junk. His hands start to pick up grit as his searching gets hastier. The tiny grains of sand and rocks start to prick at him. Searching and searching, he gets more desperate as time goes by.

His breathing gets faster and faster, afraid of what would happen if he got caught. His mind starts to go foggy and hazy from the lack of carbon dioxide. His rapid beating heart thumping in his ears. The sudden expansion and compression of his lungs start to burn him as he finally starts to try and regain a calm mind.

“This can’t be, this can’t be. Where is it?”

Tapping his hands against the metal below, he finally finds the pendant as the thumping gets louder.

What specifically do you want help with ? :blush:

Not exactly sure, just anything in general.

If this is the very first paragraph of your story I’d split the first sentence into two, as you have a lot going on right there. X and X in quick succession isn’t ideal, but if that’s intended for rhythm, try to showcase that intent. Perhaps work in some metaphors. After all the panic over looking, the act of finding it might want to be more exciting. I am curious what is chasing him and thumping but there’s not much to go on. I hope this helps! Editing is your friend!

Wait, is this person human? Because a lack of carbon dioxide wouldn’t make his mind go foggy probably but a lack of oxygen would. Being exposed to to much carbon dioxide is actually harmful to people.

Okay, gripping, but the technical writing can be improved, mainly on the weak verbs.

  • Count how often you use -ing in a verb.
  • Look where you use “verb-enhancers” like starts to, gets.

Now rewrite the text and make sure you get rid of at least 50% of them. Use direct forms of verbs and use strong verbs instead of weak combinations:

His hands starts to pick up grit as his searching gets hastier =>

He picks up grit. Where is it? Desperately ticks the clock. Time slips through his fingers like the sand under his clawing hands.

This is the wrong attitude: your readers deserve the best, as there are many other stories waiting for them. You do your best first and then you publish, not the other way around. You only have one chance to convince your reader to spend time with your characters and your story. Okay?

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