How can I improve this blurb?

Hello! I have just recently finished the outline for my story and wanted to work on the blurb next. I would greatly appreciate any feedback, especially on grammar as English isn’t my first language. Here it goes:

Rose Colt flees Seattle, taking her secrets with her and landing a new life in New Orleans. Two years later, she meets Sam, the love of her life. Nothing can change that happiness until Sam is offered a promotion in the one place she vowed never to return.

Rose has two options. Ask Sam to give up on his dreams or go with him to Seattle knowing her secrets are waiting for her.

If you have any questions, let me know so I can answer. Thank you in advance!

I would probably mention that time has passed since fleeing Seattle, otherwise it sounds like she and the boyfriend moved from Seattle together, rather than she met the boyfriend wherever she lives now.

I’d elborate on the new friend. That part seems to come out of nowhere.

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Thanks for pointing that out! I didn’t think of that. :sweat_smile:

I felt something was missing at that part but thanks for point it out as well. Thank you!

Bump

It reads well. I had a couple of suggestions…

  • Make the stakes clearer: if the secret being discovered is what risks her life, make the clearer up-front. And why is Sam worth risking her life for?
  • Keep it all in the present tense, so “Before Rose can protest…”
  • Simplify the language and make it a bit more colloquial maybe, e.g. “Two years later, she meets Sam, the love of her life.”
  • “Shocked to find out they will have to move to Seattle” takes away the MC’s agency. Better to say something like “shocked to discover he wants her to move back to Seattle”
  • Is Niall the friend? Is so, make this clearer. If not, maybe make it clearer too? Right now the reference to Niall feels a bit incidental to the story.
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There’s a couple of mistakes in it, but I’m also not a fan of questions regarding the end of the book because it makes me think of the ending. Once I feel I can guess the ending, I lose all interest in the journey.

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Hi! Thanks for the feedback. Just one question: what did you mean about having a clearer up front?

Bump! Revised the blurb based on the comments :blush:

Bump bump

Hey,

I like this, I would just suggest to give something like what affect will be on her life, like in what sense instead of the word ‘disaster’. You can give some kind of disaster that is in Seattle, that will bring more interest to read the story.

or give words like chased by past, past will be revived, threat to her life will be back… as I don’t know the story, these are just suggestions, you can give interesting words for disaster to captivate the readers.

Keep Writing!

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I’ll definitely give this some thought! The sentence did kinda fall flat like something was still missing, so thank you for this!

Pleasure :slight_smile:

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Oh, sorry, that was a typo. I meant “make that clear up-front”. In other words, explain earlier in the blurb that her life is at stake if her secret gets out.

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