How good is your first paragraph?


#1

I’ve been thinking of dumping my prologue. Problem is im worried the first paragraph in chapter 1 isn’t nearly as interesting as the one in my prologue. Im hoping we could scratch is others back. Rate the first paragraph of the first chapter of the person before you from one to ten and give us a reason why you gave it that score.

Here’s mine.

Kariah-Belle Nadirè stood next to her best friend, Akiio, as the two young women put on their graves and gauntlets, preparing for the trail ahead. Her squad has been on the military aircraft for over a day now, and were soon to be upon their destination.


#2

then read some advice from the internet by an author i think…it’ll help you a lot


#3

Yeah but actual feedback can do a lot more


#4

yup i think


#5

btw what story are you writing?


#6

I think it’s captivating enough to make the reader continue.

It isn’t an incredibly exciting way to start but neither is mine. But it is well written, which would make me continue to the next paragraph.

The first chapter is more important to me unless the first paragraph holds one of my many pet peeves.


#7

**Life, Love And A Little Coffee **

A yawn escaped Ada’s mouth as she slouched against the long counter of the coffee shop. Her chin rested in the palm of her hand and she looked toward the large clock above the entrance. The longer her gaze fixated on the damn thing, the more convinced she was that the hands of it were starting to move backwards.


#8

I would give 7, I think, because I didn’t see any mistakes (grammar, etc) and it seems intriguing.
But I think that even if your first paragraph isn’t really hooking for the readers, if your first chapter is ok then you don’t need to stress over it. A first chapter would give more place to hook anyway.

Here is my first paragraph if anyone is interested:

In the beginning, there was nothing. It wasn’t empty and silent but full, warm and soothing, in glowing darkness, with a low, steady beat in the background. This nothing was ideal, satisfying, whole as an egg carrying life. A rigid and smooth wall stood all around. You could just pass your hand on it to realize its fineness, yet it remained firm. The nothing inside was everything, an everything limited by nothing.


#9

Its a science-fantasy. Inspired by star wars with anime influences.


#10

ohh good idea…i think you can start it with some captivating words


#11

Any ideas?


#12

@DrownInSpit
I don’t really understand what the book is going to be about, but I’m pretty sure it will explain soon, right? I’m gonna give it an 8/10, since there aren’t any gramatical errors and it’s highly descriptive. Depending on what genre it is or what the book is about, it could be a good paragraph. However, at least for me, the last sentence is a little hard to comprehend.

My first paragraph-
“Mommy! Mommy!” A young girl cried as she ran across the blinding desert sand, stumbling every few steps. A few people in the small village she lived in turned their heads to look at her for a fraction of a second before resuming their work. She ran through the doorway, falling into her mother’s arms as she tripped on a newly weaved carpet. “Mommy! Y-You have to see this,” the girl panted. “Some-Something’s wrong with the sky!”


#14

Okay damn. 7/10 - I did not expect that ending. The ending really did everything for me. Some of the sentences got a little wordy and long, but that’s based on personal preference I guess. I’ve found opening the book with some shorter, resonates well with readers.
Especially the second sentence is very long. But besides that, it’s a good opening. I wanna know what’s wrong with the sky. Is it something the child has never seen before, or is it something actually wrong? Good job!


Frej Rising

He had been beautiful once. Earlier today, he had been beautiful. His eyes had been as green as the pinewood trees surrounding the clearing, his hair as red as the flames which had danced across his body hours ago. His skin had brought pearls across the globe to shame.


#15

6/10
Not bad. There’s a little repetition of “had,” which is established in the first sentence that “he had been beautiful.”
The descriptions are good, but again, the amount of “had’s” distracts the reader since we already know this is how the character used to look like.
The descriptions are kewl though, with the pinewood trees to the hair dancing like flames. With a bit of a tidy up, it’ll be way stronger and effective. It would sink the reader that much further into the hook. Unfortunately, the repetition of"had" stops this effect :frowning:

Here’s mine from Woeful Requiem

Red. Everything is immersed in red. It invades my sight, captivating my senses. The dreary overcast sky disallows any sunlight to breach through the clouds. Rainfall hits the tarmac and washes away the blood. Tiffany, the love of my life, glances back and gasps.


#16

8/10 I find this a pretty strong opener! The one thing I will say is ‘It invades my sight, captivating my senses.’ is an unnecessary line and it’s a lot weaker than the rest of the paragraph because everything else is very vivid and that sentence breaks the point of view. I don’t need to know it’s in invading their sight when I already know it’s immersing everything.

From Cursed Gardens

The magnolia tree was dying.

In a different household, in a different greenhouse, this may not have been as distressing as it was to Maggie. Once, her aunt had told her that when a plant refused to water and sunlight and soil to flourish, it was absorbing curses for her.

If the magnolia tree was dying, then Maggie was in trouble.


#17

10/10 the grammar and spelling is solid, the first sentence is a definite hook, and the whole things flows well.

from Ash and Cinder
My world ended when I was twelve. Elle was only six. We’ve spent years in the compound now, and all I can remember is the dark and the lullabies we used to sing.


#18

I like it too.


#19

Before Isaiah returns, I distract myself by observing the fight of two groups of rats that gathered in a nearby backstreet. One group of rats is dark gray like a rotting concrete all around us, the second looks white because they have been probably digging through the debris and crumbled plastering.

Here’s mine.


#20

You need to comment on the entry above yours, in this case, @copyedit “Ash and Cinder.”

Sorry I messed up the order a little with my comment :slight_smile:


#21

@DomiSotto I guess I forgot :grin:
I like it, its bittersweetness and overall ominous feeling. It makes me actually wonder how did “his/her world end”.