How good is your first paragraph?


#62

10/10
woah, I’m already sucked into your story, I’m probably going to add it to my reading list- beautifully written and incredibly effective.

Stepping out of the car the heat hit me first, then the smell- a mix of cut grass and something entirely unpleasant. I don’t know what I did to deserve this assault on my senses- well, I know what I did to make my father think that I did but really, a little bit of fun shouldn’t warrant . . . this. My prison looms before me, a large farmhouse complete with a stable and the works. to another girl perhaps the prospects of the quaint farm would be attractive, my stepmother had attempted to make it out as a peaceful retreat- some time to think, but for me? this was pure unadulterated rural hell.


#63

The wind howled like an angry mad man. The ocean churned with the milk of darkness. Rain and water pounded onto the decks of the Santa Maria. Juan Muego Dy Hyos, agent of the King held onto the deck with his life in the Holy Lady’s hands. The air had become cold and very sharp. Violent gusts threatening to blast the masts. The winds every now and then would come back with a far greater velocity, banging the ship from side to side. Threatening to over-capsize the great boat. The violence of the storm was too much even for him, as his hat flew off into the dark atmosphere. A crunch sounded into the air, as sailors on the foremast yelled. The sails and riggings collapsed into each other, that strong the wind was.


#64

you kinda have to rate the person above you to submit your own. it’s how this thread works.


#65

Okay so I give feedback on your paragraph? Okay will do


#66

Okay I don’t know why its not letting me quote your paragraph.

7/10

Some suggestions:

The assault on senses - could you elaborate on this?
Smell - of what? Mix of cut grass - emphasis this. Could it be the smell of sewage signifying the MC’s life is going bad?
Add some metaphors.
The farmhouse - what is so evil - add more details on here to emphasise this.


#67

8/10 damn this was awesome, “milk of darkness” is so fucking cool. I love that. I’m gonna give you an extra .5 for ‘milk of darkness’ so now it’s 8.5/10. You opened the story right in the middle of the action which makes it really compelling and instantly interesting. To make it an actual sentence, “threatening” in the sixth sentence should be “threatened” though because it needs a verb. I’d also suggest a comma rather than a full stop in between “side to side” and “threatening.” Overall very gripping, especially with the choppy short sentences but maybe try to vary the syntax a little bit.

Bat Club:
(Not including prologue part)

The first time Cobie ever saw her, she was wearing pink kitten heels - rosy ones that glowed bright against the pulsing blueness. It was strange now that he thought of it, because she never wore them again - she always wore those stupid fucking sparkly ones that flipped his brain like a pancake and flashed at his eyes like a love-sick seizure.


#68

Though it’s written very well, it is also a bit confusing. I couldn’t understand which set of heels the girl didn’t wear anymore: the pink kitten ones or the sparkly ones, or if they were the same set. only after a few re-reading i understood what the character was talking about.
i’ll give it 7\10, cause it really is well written, just a bit confusing without the rest of the chapter to give it more context.

From Conquest:

Corpses drifted down the river all the time.

That is why young Sam did not panic when he saw the dead man floating slowly in the current. However, he still did not get used to the sight of death, which was so very common recently. He was only fourteen, after all.


#69

10/10. This is a great way to start a story. However if u didn’t add any detail about his reaction to the corpse in the next paragraph then I feel I’ll have to bump it down to 9/10. Since he’s still not used to death then there would be some reaction. Other than that i really like it. It’s easy to understand and flows well. The fact that u mention death has become common makes me fear for him.

From, Knights of Lore

Kariah- Belle Nadirè felt little resistance as her sword sliced through the creature in front of her. The black being split apart and fell lifelessly to the floor at her feet. Seeing its innards made the young woman want to puke up hers but a shriek from behind forced her to swallow the pit of vomit that threatened to escape her mouth.


#70

8/10 I like it a lot, it is pretty catching.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.


#71

7/10
I really like intro paragraphs to be very detailed and descriptive. Especially if not much is happening in the beginning.
The Void I Demand Others to Fill: The Narcissist
Have you ever stopped and just looked around. I don’t mean pausing to glance to your left and continuing on with your day or a planned picnic. But actually interrupted your routine, took out your headphones and let the world consume your immediate thoughts. Recognized the sun heating your skin or the wind blowing your hair out from around your ears and letting it engulf your head like a swarm of falling leaves. I have. It is currently 2:34 pm in Florida and I decided to come to a standstill. I walk over to a bench and sit my ass down because my life is spinning out of control. It is spinning faster than the Earth on its axis, but I know that if I sit down for just one moment that the Earth will slow down and my mind will discontinue this anxiety about nothing.


#72

8/10
I think the beginning is really creative. I really like stories where they begin with a statement that is more of an idea, or question.

Metathesiophobia- unreleased
The air smelled strange, a strong scent filled the hallway that smelled incredibly distasteful. The picture on the wall had the black blood of cockroaches staining it, but Zelig allowed himself to look in the frozen figures eyes, the refined sense of duty tantalizing him with its silver lined glory. The portrait fell down from the wall after that, Alarice glancing at it slightly before she pushed it. The thud of it hitting the ground comforting her as she sighed, letting whatever thoughts she’d had of it out with it.


#73

It is very intriguing! I feel the sentence structure could use some work, though. 7/10.

The Sovereign Diaries: Into the Realm
Apparently, we are moving to Linnet, Minnesota. I was sitting at my piano, relaxing with one of my favorite Chopin nocturnes after wearing my fingers practicing a Bach. It’s my after school aesthetic - playing piano with my back turned to the huge window that overlooks the beach, sun streaming in, probably the smell of my mom cooking yummy Japanese food or baking something she’ll take to a party later. But this time she wasn’t cooking anything, and I heard Mom and Dad walking down the hall towards me. They stood there for a couple minutes while I finished playing, and when I looked up they had that “we need to talk” face they always put on when they’re concerned about me. The last time they had that face was when I was preparing for a piano contest and started skipping supper to practice more. So I swiveled on the bench to face them, and mom took a deep breath before starting.


#74

9/10. I like how the MC is close to the parents and they seem involved in her life. Its the way you word your sentences makes for smooth reading.


Kariah-Belle Nadirè knew she would feel the bruises from the monster’s giant hand squeezing around her abdomen. She also knew she would puke any minute if this monster didn’t stop flailing her about every which way.


#75

8/10 Its a very catching first paragraph. I am interested to know why she being targeted by a monster.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.


#76

7/10 Um, I’m a little confused by the paragraph if this story is in first or third person. Also, I might have not had quite as many details.

Dragon Blood

All mages have dragon blood. Not all of them appreciate their ancestor’s magic, however. I read it in a book once, a long time ago, that dragon’s magic used to be wild, free and unobtainable. They were the storms, the earthquakes, and the mysterious gods that walked the land. But then, when I was three, The Bands were invented. It was no longer true. They were captured and treated as less than human by the Dragonriders. Any mage, any person with even a drop of dragon blood could become a Dragon Rider, becoming nobles and high knights that protected the realm. All the children would talk about it, dream of owning a dragon. I never wanted to. Maybe it’s because I was born before the dragon were rounded up, in Rook. I still had memories of their power. I had seen a dragon many times before in my life, but every time they came to Eldervale to test the children for the ability I was always surprised at their size.


#77

There’s one run on but it took me a moment to notice it. I like this para a lot. 8/10.

Totally Not Gay.

There comes a moment in everyone’s life where they question everything. Oliver Joseph Smith was now questioning everything. He had been talking to Aoki via text for weeks now and he still couldn’t grasp what he was seeing. Aoki admitted to being a guy. He sent a live selfie and everything and yet…Oliver was still attracted. Last Oliver checked he was just as straight as his parents wanted and he felt mildly guilty for leaving the male hanging. He stared at the screen for maybe five minutes before typing;

“Well uhm…mildy questioning my sexuality do you wanna go get coffee or…?”

The simple question made Aokigahara smile. Sure he was using a translator to text him but at least he might get a date. He stared at the screen of his Motorola, typing back a simple ‘yes.’


#78

I’d say a solid 9/10. It’s a nice start, and definitely sets up the plot. It gives good openings for character development as well. Certainly enough to get people interested.

Mine is for an untitled story currently in the works:

The sound of music is flowing through every nook and cranny of the room, shaking him to his core. It’s in a language he never learned, yet he can feel the meaning of it drumming into the back of his head, as if waiting to be released, understood, into the rest of his mind. A familiar hum, the tempo beating savagely as if the heart of a cheetah, running, running, running. He inhales the scent of burnt tobacco and dry alcohol, slipping through the dancing bodies which are moving smoothly, harshly, gyrating against each other, spinning around each other, bouncing to the beat. He exhales, blue cigar smoke curling from his mouth, his nostrils. It burns the back of his throat, but he doesn’t mind. The pain grounds him, keeps his mind from flying off into the colorful, thrumming, spectacle of the crowded club. Keeps him focused.


#79

I don’t know how to rate the paragraph above me, but I just came here to get feedback on my paragraph, so I’ll just do that. It’s really just a quote from a character in the story that I thought would help foreshadow the war that drives the plot forward.

A tale of steam and steel

When I was a boy, I looked up into the sky and saw the majesties that were the Darcinian airships. It struck a chord inside me, making me want to to thrive to become apart of the Darcinian navy. But little did I know, the honorable days of war were long gone, where men fought for king and country willingly. All war is nowadays is men and women dying in vain so nobles can fill their treasury.

-Admiral Matthias Gloss


#80

8/10, it’s okay but I feel it’s too wordy for me.

I’m rewriting the opening paragraph for one of my stories. What do you think of this one?

Legacy vol 1, urban fantasy

The full moon in the sky. It shines upon the remaining calm streets of this quiet city but hints at ominous events on the horizon. And maybe at suspicious gangs about to ruin my date. The moon guides me from the heavens as if protecting me somehow. But this isn’t the first time. I’ve been blessed as far as I can remember.


#81

7/10, love the descriptions, but I think that first sentence is a bit too fragmented and doesn’t quite put me in the character’s first-person perspective fast enough. Maybe combine that last line with the first?

The Disappearance of Medora Izumi

Laughter rang off of gravestones like out of tune coyotes as Medora Izumi’s friends passed around bottles of cheap gas station beer that glowed amber beneath the headlights of her pickup truck. Medora forgot how much she hated the taste of beer, but she liked stories more, so she kept drinking as Gene told them about the Barnett siblings and their traveling magic show.