How good is your first paragraph?


#62

10/10
woah, I’m already sucked into your story, I’m probably going to add it to my reading list- beautifully written and incredibly effective.

Stepping out of the car the heat hit me first, then the smell- a mix of cut grass and something entirely unpleasant. I don’t know what I did to deserve this assault on my senses- well, I know what I did to make my father think that I did but really, a little bit of fun shouldn’t warrant . . . this. My prison looms before me, a large farmhouse complete with a stable and the works. to another girl perhaps the prospects of the quaint farm would be attractive, my stepmother had attempted to make it out as a peaceful retreat- some time to think, but for me? this was pure unadulterated rural hell.


#63

The wind howled like an angry mad man. The ocean churned with the milk of darkness. Rain and water pounded onto the decks of the Santa Maria. Juan Muego Dy Hyos, agent of the King held onto the deck with his life in the Holy Lady’s hands. The air had become cold and very sharp. Violent gusts threatening to blast the masts. The winds every now and then would come back with a far greater velocity, banging the ship from side to side. Threatening to over-capsize the great boat. The violence of the storm was too much even for him, as his hat flew off into the dark atmosphere. A crunch sounded into the air, as sailors on the foremast yelled. The sails and riggings collapsed into each other, that strong the wind was.


#64

you kinda have to rate the person above you to submit your own. it’s how this thread works.


#65

Okay so I give feedback on your paragraph? Okay will do


#66

Okay I don’t know why its not letting me quote your paragraph.

7/10

Some suggestions:

The assault on senses - could you elaborate on this?
Smell - of what? Mix of cut grass - emphasis this. Could it be the smell of sewage signifying the MC’s life is going bad?
Add some metaphors.
The farmhouse - what is so evil - add more details on here to emphasise this.


#67

8/10 damn this was awesome, “milk of darkness” is so fucking cool. I love that. I’m gonna give you an extra .5 for ‘milk of darkness’ so now it’s 8.5/10. You opened the story right in the middle of the action which makes it really compelling and instantly interesting. To make it an actual sentence, “threatening” in the sixth sentence should be “threatened” though because it needs a verb. I’d also suggest a comma rather than a full stop in between “side to side” and “threatening.” Overall very gripping, especially with the choppy short sentences but maybe try to vary the syntax a little bit.

Bat Club:
(Not including prologue part)

The first time Cobie ever saw her, she was wearing pink kitten heels - rosy ones that glowed bright against the pulsing blueness. It was strange now that he thought of it, because she never wore them again - she always wore those stupid fucking sparkly ones that flipped his brain like a pancake and flashed at his eyes like a love-sick seizure.


#68

Though it’s written very well, it is also a bit confusing. I couldn’t understand which set of heels the girl didn’t wear anymore: the pink kitten ones or the sparkly ones, or if they were the same set. only after a few re-reading i understood what the character was talking about.
i’ll give it 7\10, cause it really is well written, just a bit confusing without the rest of the chapter to give it more context.

From Conquest:

Corpses drifted down the river all the time.

That is why young Sam did not panic when he saw the dead man floating slowly in the current. However, he still did not get used to the sight of death, which was so very common recently. He was only fourteen, after all.


#69

10/10. This is a great way to start a story. However if u didn’t add any detail about his reaction to the corpse in the next paragraph then I feel I’ll have to bump it down to 9/10. Since he’s still not used to death then there would be some reaction. Other than that i really like it. It’s easy to understand and flows well. The fact that u mention death has become common makes me fear for him.

From, Knights of Lore

Kariah- Belle Nadirè felt little resistance as her sword sliced through the creature in front of her. The black being split apart and fell lifelessly to the floor at her feet. Seeing its innards made the young woman want to puke up hers but a shriek from behind forced her to swallow the pit of vomit that threatened to escape her mouth.


#70

8/10 I like it a lot, it is pretty catching.

Ivory Black

Elena stood with her hands spread over the chilled glass like dark sea stars. If there had been fewer choices she would have picked long ago, but the array put her mind into a happy tingle of possibilities. There wasn’t just all the flavors and toppings, but all the possible combinations. At least the choice of cone was simple enough, a plain waffle cone. As her breath fogged up the glass another shopper cut in front of her reaching in decisively. She took a step back and waited until they were gone, this wasn’t something she liked to rush. Elena had an unhealthy obsession with ice cream but after all it was our last Friday before school started again, which was a good reason to go a bit crazy. After a few more moments she shifted her gaze to Corbin and I.