How good is your last paragraph?

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How it works

  1. You rate the paragraph of the person above you -/10, and say why.

  2. Give advice on what could be better and what is good.

  3. Post your own paragraph and get feedback yourself :smiley:

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@EllenFairyBlue4 @masticina @FireAlwaysReturns @SoulBurningBright
Let us know if you want to be added!
(This goes both ways. I’ll tag you all twelve times. Let me know if you want to be removed)

If you’ve already helped someone, go ahead and post your latest paragraph again to get things going!

I may have to wait, I feel like I hadn’t been invited in yet. Oh I mean helped someone adequately in the other thread. Maybe its fine.

I’ll edit this post whenever its fine.


We exchanged glances and soft gestures, the moonlight hour being when Lisa-Marie arrived to see her new family being reborn again.

We could be a family again. I thought I heard words from Anna-Marie.

“Hemato. Hemato. Hemato.” she said. Apparently the doctor that rebuilt her was an experienced surgeon. He repaired the vocal chords, but it was relatively new technology. She was kept in a tank for months.

“That’s right, Hemato is my name.”

We all group hugged.

“Familla!” Anna-Marie said.


Here we go. And sure I’ll stick around.

2 Likes

So, I felt like I was getting separate little scenes here, that multiple things were happening. It confused me a tad and I don’t know what or who Hemato is, which has me feeling out of the loop. Your word choice is lovely though, and I find myself smiling at the thought of a family reunion. 7/10.

From Chapter Twenty-five: Weaknesses of The Greatest Obsesson.
They’d taken a carriage to the place the couple had eaten the time before when they had purchased their future home – Cafe Royal on 68th Regent Street – and like the last time, sat at a small table that also connected to the booths. For the second time, Elijah let Irina slip into the booth as he took the hard chair.

When offered a cigarette by their waiter, Elijah refused, remembering how upset it made Irina. Their neighbors were a group of chain smokers and were clouding the air to an unnecessary extent. The couple glared over every few minutes when the men laughed in drunken stupors. The intoxicated foursome left before the two had received their orders, which finally opened the gates of conversation.

Irina grinned. She clasped her hands near her lips, elbows leaned into the table.