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It looks like this discussion is better suited for the Poetry club and I’ll go ahead and move this for you.
Thank you for your understanding
Katherine - Community Ambassador
It looks like you’ve got something here. I like it. It is a nice bit of prose, if you want it to be more poetic in the conventional sense you should keep structure in mind. A well versed poet knows to avoid ending their lines on weak words that continue the thought into the next line (unless of course there is a tension creating purpose behind it.) I suggest as you improve as a writer to take notice of the strength or lack there of in your words, and where you place them. Also don’t be afraid to punctuate, more often then not it adds a lot more to a piece than simply leaving it out. This isn’t bad at all, in fact I think it’s a great starting point on a journey to find your voice and improve your unique craft.