Hi, Hollie, before I read any further I just want to ask why you are writing first person past tense. It doesn’t seem like your character is writing the story from a place in the future, so writing in first person past tense is really confusing for me to read and distances me from the story. I keep waiting for it to switch into first person present and your character to talk to me and it doesn’t. Your plot seems to be very entertaining and you are a very creative writer, I just want to make sure you’re choosing the right tense for this story so you’re not needlessly losing readers to that.
“The street in which we marched was in ruins.” Trying to put things in this awkward tense has made things grammatically sound strange.
“The street we march is in ruins.” Present
“The street we marched was in ruins.” Past
“The mist hangs in cold clouds above our heads.” Present (puts me in the action.)
“The mist hung in cold clouds above our heads.” Past (makes me wonder why this significant day is being looked back on what currently is happening to her.)
Hope that helps. If you have any specific things you want me to help you with please let me know. I think your story has a lot of promise based on how character’s emotions are expressed and the balance between prose and frill. I like it a lot.