In need of readers to provide feedback for my latest story

Title: Home Again: A White Christmas

Genre: Short Story, Romance

Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/206281806-home-again-a-white-christmas

Description: It’s Christmas Eve, 1945. The Second World War is long over, but a young lady still waits for her lover to return home from active duty. As she sees yet another lonely holiday season on the horizon, will Margaret’s dream of a White Christmas with her man by her side finally come true? Read to find out!

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Can I have a link to your wattpad page?

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Hello :slight_smile: I gave it a read and jotted down a few quick notes.

Positives:
-I love the atmosphere—charming, anticipatory, vivid. It’s nice that you’ve taken us back in time while retaining the timeless spirit of the holidays.
-Story is well-paced. You’ve given us just the right amount of information for a short story of this length.
-I like how we don’t know if it’s going to be a happy ending or a sad ending until Roy tells her he’s got a big package. So many war stories end with a wife/fiancée receiving bad news in the mail, so it’s clever of you to evoke that anxiety with Herbert being “delivered” by the post. (I blurred that last bit as not to spoil the end for any future readers.)

Some phrasing I found awkward:
-“coffeinated beverage”
-“they’d hit it off almost immediate” (you probably meant “immediately”)
-“struck up correspondence”
-“scared of dying though, but instead, he was…”
-“at least now that the War was over, he should’ve been safe now”
-“when it was in the negative”
-“content smile” and “pretty content with himself” in same paragraph feels repetitive
-“it was another man, standing next to Roy, that did”
-“adorned in an olive-green uniform” (“adorn” feels like wrong word)
-“festive beacons of light”

Thoughts on style:
-Go easy on the adverbs. I’d go through and cull a bunch of them if I were you.
-Do away with excess empty phrases like “to be exact,” “in fact,” “however,” etc.
-Some words (war, brass) seem to be capitalized unnecessarily
-Some clunky passive voice
-“Out of site” should be “out of sight”
-Simplify language wherever you can. This will improve professionalism and flow, in my opinion

My last advice is always this: read everything you write aloud! It helps you catch any grammar errors, and if the language is awkward/unnatural, you will hear it. Can’t recommend this enough.

Thank you for sharing your story :slight_smile: I hope some of what I’ve written is helpful to you. If it is, I’d be so grateful if you’d check out one of my short stories in return. On my Wattpad profile (MagdaThenAndNow), I have a collection called Bagatelles. There are two short stories published there that you could check out if you’d like :slight_smile:

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Thank you so much for the review. It’s funny. I give so many people the same advice you’re giving me, and yet I’ve made some pretty glaring errors. I’ve made a bunch of edits based on your comments, and hopefully it looks much better now. I’ll also go ahead and give your stories a look and see what I think of them. Cheers!

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Same here! It’s always a huge help to have an another pair of eyes look things over. Thanks for giving my stories a look! :slight_smile:

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Hey! I’m up for it if you’re still looking c:

Hey! I would love it if you gave my story a look. Thank you so much. Cheers!

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:+1:

EDIT: sorry something came up so I won’t be able too >_<

That’s okay. Shit happens

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