Ask and give advice about poems or quotes of poems, meaning yours, of course. If you like to critique others, go ahead and help us out, if you need some help, you can get some support and CONSTRUSTIVE CRITICISM No mean or discouraging comments!
I guess, I’ll share what I need help with first
You are every word I call myself now
You are every mark I leave on myself
You are every song I listened to
Every time I had to stabilize myself
You are everything evil in my life
Every time I try to leave you
Every time I almost forget
Every time you always come back
Everything to keep me
Everything to drown me
You are everything that kills me
Everything I remember, though
Everything I haven’t forgotten
Everything you meant
You are everything that saves me
That was called Everything and it was one among a few others that mean so much to me and reflect my true feelings.
Before I comment on stuff that could be just style since you had it to be critiqued what are some of the things you think sound odd or could work better?
I honestly don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.
I don’t have anything bad to say about this, actually. It’s really good, so don’t doubt yourself! One thing I thought was a little strange was the way you structured it; I think that after ‘you are every song I listened to’ and ‘every time you always come back’ you could use enter one more time, because I personally think that makes more sense. The climax seems to be in those sentences and it starts to build up to something new after that again.
In the actual original, there’s a space in between each line. I just took it away to compact it more.
Also, thank you so much!
I also had a question, because I’m not sure if the poem like I have it now is any good. Should I add more to this?
dear mom, why the tears?
there’s no reason for your fears
water drops rolling down your cheeks
while nothing’s changed
your eyes tired and red
making us feel estranged
dear daughter, why the ignorance?
there’s quite the difference
pain has caused me to crumble
made me this broken person
it was hurt that made me stumble
and I know this can only worsen
Does this make sense to you at all or is it just too random?
It was all a good read when I did read it but since we are supposed to state what we like and what we don’t I’ll try my best tho maybe it didn’t make much sense to me since English isn’t my main language
I feel now was oddly placed
Every time means always too so chose one or the other maybe “Every time you manage to come back”?
This one sounded a bit odd I didn’t know what you meant at first maybe make it a new stanza?
Other than those few things it was all good ^^
I think what you have is good, don’t change it, but maybe describe the situation more. Explain what’s happening and give it a back story.
It does make sense to me ^^
And if you should add more it would be personal it could work either way if you feel that the daughter needs her stanza again then add it if not you can stop there
Thank you so much, both of you! This was what I needed.
Okay, well, every time you always come back was a tricky one and I debated hard on whether or not to put it there. I guess the message got lost in translation. I can see why now would be awkward but it’s there because she didn’t used to think of herself that way, but because of him she does now. Everything to keep me meant to keep her in his grip and not let her get away from the pain.
I’ll try to explain what I mean a bit better in my lines though.
I oddly read that as a line no it works it just could use some tweaking and as I dead reading it over all I didn’t notice this stuff
The meaning behind it is something to keep maybe you could add more lines to it to? Idk
so to something I am not really sure I made sense at all in:
Every time my eyes wander near
I feel the want to be near you
Every time my eyes land on you
I feel as if I’m crashin’
Every time I think more of you
I feel tears threatening to fall
As if my strings are being in play
Every time I pass by you
I feel them being pulled
As if my heart just crashed
The moment I pass, pass, just pass
The moment I pass by you
Every time I sit close
But not close enough to talk
I feel like my heart is pulled from different angles
Every time I think about you
I feel my heart crash
Every time I want to talk to you
It’s like I’m not even tryin’
Every time my eyes land on you
I feel like my string is being stretched
And I’m sitting far from you
As if my strings are about to break, again
Every time I’m sitting far from you
I feel like my heartstrings are falling
As if the strings that once held me are falling
My heart once held together by them is tearing once again
My strings being in play
They stitch my heart when I’m away
They fall apart when I see you again
When I don’t sit near you but far away
My mask fall and I can’t put it back
As long you’re there
I don’t know what to do
What to say
What to make of this all
Why won’t we be together once more?
Why can’t I just talk…
But I know the reason why…
We both left each other…
You just used simple words…
I was told to block
Maybe I shouldn’t have talked
Maybe I was supposed to stop
Maybe I have-
Maybe I have just made things worst
What can I do what am I supposed to do?
What did I do? What can I do?
What can I do? What am I supposed to do to?
What did I do, what can I do to you?
What can I do?
What am I supposed to do…?
What did I do?
What can I do?
The grammar is a little off, but it’s easy to ignore. You overdo the end a bit, but it’s okay because I feel like that’s a real state of mind. Asking these questions over and over. But maybe find a less awkward way to fit to you out side of the line the first time it’s said? Other than that, You’re pretty good and I loved it because it really describes true feelings that actually do happen more often than most people realize.
Why do you end this with '? It adds an accent of some sort and makes it a little harder to read, kind of gets the flow out of the poem.
Also, I agree that it’s a little overdone. The poem feels complete after:
(And just personal preference, I think you can leave out the “…” in the last sentence, it leaves the reader wondering more than the “…” do.)
I think that the part after the last quote can be a whole different poem, something standing on its own. You use a completely different language there, it seems like and there are many of the same questions, but they don’t fit in with the rest of the poem.
Does this help you out or do you need more of an explanation? I’m really bad at explaining how things are and why they are like this so…
Okay, I can see where you’re coming from there. That made sense.