Is your story interesting? [Based on title + summary]

writing

#223

It’s clear and concise and leaves me wanting to know more. My only question is if someone receives a shock for failing to obey and they are trying to harm themselves… wouldn’t that send mixed signals?

9/10


#224

Title: Authority, Order, Peace!

Year 4: It’s been 3 years since “The Change”, in which all governments, religions, paramilitar or terrorist organizations, mobs, or anything wih power or potential to have power was destroyed. The responsables of this massacre, which only identify themselves as “The Authority”, have taken control of society ever since, with a Totalitarian Fist and an obsession with controlling even the small aspects of people’s lives. Elena and Isabel are only students, living under an educational system dedicated to brainwash with the principles of this bizarre government. In a world controlled by security cameras, police armed with rifles, loyalist citizens who report suspicious activity without a doubt, undercover agents from the Secret Police, and living in Chile, a simple Latin American country in the middle of this global government. Will they be able to change anything?

Authority, Order, Peace, we are the saviors of humanity!

(PD: This summary is my first attempt at making a summary, so sorry if it’s bad. Also the book is in spanish and so is the summary, mistranslations might have happened)


#225

7/10

it’s good it looks to me like this could be a good light novel, though the summary makes is a little confusing.
here is the summary of F:Ran re-written:

Title:F:Ran.

Summary:
As the big bang emmerged stars fell on the earth, the dust those stars contained created life as we know it, humans decided to use this energy,they found it very compatable with the human’s physical capabilities, and thus the Saku energy of swordsmans got created.
Ran was a boy with a great dream, one of becoming a strong swordsman.
But being born with a weak body made him insecure of it and slowly he closed up to himself.
But after coming to “Tsurugi Academy” the academy of his dreams, he will learn his true limits and with the help of his friends he will be able to over come them.
but in all great stories things aren’t that simple and many mysteries await.


#226

7/10 it is really intersting. I think the first sentence is a little akward though and needs a few more full stops instead of commas. Overall, your summery makes your story sound very unique.

Here is mine:

The Mad Queen

A woman cannot rule the Kingdom of Vivelle. If a king should only have daughters, then the princesses are to participate in a Queens Trial. A series of tests to see who is most worthy of becoming the Queen Victorious. The Winning daughter will marry a suitor of the kings choosing. Once married, her husband will become king. The losing queens will be sacrificed back to the people as punishment for their ancestor’s crimes. Or more specifically, the crimes of the Mad Queen.

Princess Illyana is the eldest of the kings five daughters. In a few days time, the Queens Trial will begin and there are only two possible outcomes. The first is she will fail and get sacrificed. The second is she will win and be forcibly wed to a cruel man and live the rest of her life knowing she is alive because her sisters are dead.

Illyana wants more. She wants to rule the Kingdom of Vivelle with her sisters by her side.
She only has a few days left to come up with a plan before the Trial begins. With the whole kingdom watching eagerly to see which daughter wins, it is going to be almost impossible for Illyana to change the minds of a nation so that she can sit on the throne.


#227

8/10. I love the concept of your story. It pulled me in from the start, and I wonder what’s going to happen next. I love the dilemma you’ve introduced. However, I think you can make the sentences a bit snappier and shorter. While a more complex writing style could fit in well in a chapter, I feel as though a blurb needs to be more concise. For example, perhaps the last sentence could be written this way- As the whole kingdom eagerly waits to see which daughter will win, Illyana must change their minds and make the throne hers.

Mine-

The World Changer

Tahro Akagi shouldn’t live in two worlds at once.

Yet he couldn’t stop the magic that made him set foot in the lands of his favourite book. Not when he needed a place to belong and found it among the characters he cherished in the continent of Saishuu Riku. And not when he has to save them from the fate told in its pages.

But if a butterfly’s wings can bring thunderstorms, then his every breath is another flap as it flies, his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.

Unwittingly, he plunges too deep into the conspiracy of a witch biding her time against the continent. When tensions rise between the ministers of Saishuu Riku, and children are kidnapped by a man with butterfly-patterned knives, Tahro knows he’s changed too much. Events that should happen don’t, and his new friends are caught in a crossfire he wants no part in.

But if one of the kidnapped children is his friend, can he choose between her and the rest of the world?


#228

Thanks for your reply, I will take what you said into consideration and go over my blurb soon!


#229

No problem ^^!


#230

9/10 I found the concept really interesting, and while I’m all for introducing the conflict in the description, I’m a little worried you might’ve given too much away in the beginning, like the friend being kidnapped. That would’ve made for a neat plot twist.

Iki Jigoku: An Origin Story…Of Sorts
They say a kind person is born through the heaviest grit. That must be why the birth of a superhero always seems to have more downs than ups. But let’s be honest with ourselves here. If given the opportunity, pretty much anyone would jump for it.

Why? Because superheroes are awesome.


#231

7/10 Your story seems interesting, but your summary needs a little more. I was also a little confused by your last sentence.

The Element of Life

I was hoping buying a new Jeep for my seventeenth birthday would be the start to a great year. Things were looking up until I caught my ex-boyfriend Elliot cheating on me at Prom. It didn’t help that I was already facing an eating disorder and trying to overcome the fact that my father left us when I was younger. Thankfully I had my best friend Regina with me at my side.

Life changed that fateful day when I noticed a strange light in the park. My poor judgment told me to visit the park and I did. Little did I know that touching that light would give me a power. An element if you will. I had the power to bring things back to life. This new power completely changed my life. I wasn’t sure if I could trust anyone with my new power.

At best my secret was probably safe with Regina. But Elliot was a different story. In fact, he was already out to make my life miserable. There would be no telling what Elliot would do if he ever knew the truth. The fate of the world was in my hands.


#232

7/10 I really like the first line, it’s solid. the next part of the paragraph gives too many details that aren’t linked together well enough.

i think you could take out

and instead explain the nature of her powers in the book instead.
i think
that light would give me a power. The power to bring things back to life
flows better.
also, i think you’re using the word ‘power’ too many times in the same paragraph.
i think you could remove At best and in fact from the last paragraph as well

but that’s just technical stuff. i think the story itself is interesting, yes. good job :+1:

(mine)
Alien Detective

Staci Valun, hotshot detective for the Intergalactic Federacy, finds an unusual number of bombs planted near their office after they discovered scandalous government secrets.

Against their better judgment, they have to accept a place in the witness protection program. That includes an annoying guard, Mr. Zebra, following his every step, and living on a new planet. To their dismay, at the dead-end of the universe, full of noisy creatures.

Earth may not be ready for the high-tech alien duo in hiding. And Staci would prefer fighting a horde of bloodthirsty monsters than cope with their new identity. Especially since they are forbidden by Mr. Zebra to get involved in any criminal cases during the program.

Staci Valun, now Wayne Griffin, has to decide - commit a federal crime to protect creatures his race sees as primitive animals, or lie down and die like a dog?


#233

I really like the first paragraph. You lost me on the remaining three. There’s seems to be a lot going on in the summary. Is it interesting? I would have to say no but that doesn’t mean your story is bad.

Project: G.E.M

An organization known as the Underworld are creating an army of artificial humans who are known as Genetic Enhanced Modification.

When test subjects are put through execution, five of them walks out alive. Trials of life and death forces the five surviving G.E.M to fight their way to the top of the pyramid.

Their purpose is unknown, yet one of them is determined to find that answer.


#234

9/10 I liked it and it was interesting :smile: But I haven’t an idea about who the five are. Maybe you wanted me to be wondering about who they were :slight_smile: good blurb and it is interesting!

Loving Hope

Ryder Lynch never believed in hope or angels until one person changed his whole perspective. Amelia, Davis was that person and now she has been taken away from him. He vowed to find her and never let her go again, because after all what is a king without his Queen?

Amelia Davis thought that her whole life would end after her brother died, but it didn’t. Instead, she was given a new beginning. A beginning with a guy that she held close.

With gangs growing anxious one the streets, death threats and love letters, Ryder and Amelia’s beginning may not be off to a great start.


#235

9/10 mainly 'cuz this is my kind of book. Romance trying to survive but has to deal with gang issues, love it!

-Secrets of California Airs

Kaelina runs away from home and ends up at her grandfather’s home in California Airs. A major dark secret looms over the town and it starts off with a pair of lovers being murdered 100 years ago.

Kaelina and A.R are two mischevious teens, along with their friends, set out to find the truth and lift the burden of those wronged. But with College, Kaelina’s own secrets, A.R’s family issues and friendships on the line, will they be able to do it?


#236

9/10 I think it’s a mixture of romance, mystery, crime, and possibly horror, which is very interesting. The summary says just enough to create suspense. Good job!

Title: A Gentleman’s Secret
Genre: Mystery/Thriller and Satire
Summary: He’s the gentleman of every lady. He’s the prince of the night. He comes to a party in his dark cashmere trench coat, makes a dozen women swoon, and chooses a special one to bring on one of his famous romantic escapades, every girl’s dream.


#237

5/10. The description itself is okay, but based on the summary, I wouldn’t read it. The guy sounds cliched and boring and honestly, a bit sexist. I suppose it depends on who your target population is, but feminists will definitely pass your story right on by.

Title: The Unspeakables
Genre: Harry Potter Fan-Fiction
Summary: Liam shook his head. “That’s nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about. Just run along back to the love room…”

“Liam, it is something for me to worry about,” Thea interrupted him. “I am a member of this department, and if you are having an expo, I should not only know about it, but be in attendance.” She had to make a concerted effort not to grit her teeth. The department was an all boys club and had been, she imagined, since Liam had taken over–him and his Slytherin cronies.

When Thea realizes that her co-workers in the Department of Mysteries are running tests on house elves to reverse the dais and bring Voldemort back from the dead, she makes the decision to violate her vow to the ministry and goes to the Golden Trio and George Weasley for help.


#238

Hello! Thanks for the feedback.

This may sound weird, but I am glad that you feel this way! I’m trying to write a satire with a plot twist. Making the protagonist seem cliched and morally dubious is exactly the effect I want. I also wanted to write a summary that gives off the impression that the story is equally cliched and predictable, but I think I should leave just a little hint that there might be a plot twist.

You’re right that, as it is now, the summary seems too cliched. Do you have any suggestions to improve it?


#239

Not without knowing what your twist is. Sorry.


#240

your harry potter fanfic sounds super cute. maybe end it with a hint more suspense to engage the reader more?

My title: Virtuoso

Summary:
Celie’s whole world is music, yet she often feels like it is burying her. Gone is her love for the sweeping crescendos, the shimmering piano keys, as her taskmaster mother insists that she attends and wins competition after competition. But as she begins an unlikely friendship with her biggest opponent, the vibrant and mysterious Will Santos, she finds herself wondering if he is the one to rekindle her passion for piano, or if he is simply another competitor waiting for her to fall.


#241

9/10 Your story sounds like an interesting love story. You were straight to the point in your summary. I’d be curious to see what happens with Celie’s Music Career. The only problem was the title. Not being an expert in music, I wasn’t sure what virtuoso meant and had to look it up.

Understanding Teenagers

Liam just graduated from college and isn’t much of a writer. Mid Mills Publishing is desperately struggling and hires Liam to write the next great YA Novel. What could possibly go wrong? With his new fiancé at his side, they embark on a new journey to Pacific City to live with Liam’s Old Friend Jaxon. Jaxon happens to have a teenage sister who’s getting ready to graduate living with him. She’ll be a good help.

Giselle is an eighteen-year-old girl with a big dream to get to Stanford in the fall. She loves children and her loved ones. All she wants is to be loved and love others. Will she able to accomplish her dreams?

Ava is Giselle’s BFF. She has no idea who she is or what she wants. She’s not even prepared to graduate. Crap, what is she going to do? Is she ever going to make it in life?


#242

6/10. Sorry dude. Your summary is just too long, and there are wayyyy too many characters, especially for a summary.

Title: Suffocating
Summary: Roxanne is passionate about getting the truth out, no matter how insignificant or horrifying it might be. Claire wants her life to be stable and safe, even if it means working somewhere mundane to keep it so. But Claire might not get what she wants, especially when Roxanne proposes that there’s someone out there that protects their city from any and all threats. Will Roxanne uncover the truth? Or will Claire keep their illusion of peace?

(I’ve been considering changing “Roxanne proposes that there’s someone out there that protects their city from any and all threats” into “Roxanne proposes there’s a secret hero”, is that a good idea? I mean, it’s shorter and more straight-to-the-point…)