Is your story interesting? [Based on title + summary]

writing

#243

9/10
love it! maybe do “a secret hero protecting their city”??


#244

Well, that last poster didn’t include thiers so I guess you get two reviews!

I’d change it to - “her (friend/sister/co-worker,etc) Roxanne suspects there’s a veiled vigilante protecting the city from near-inexorable threat.” - or something like that.

In all it seems to be an interesting spin on the usual superhero genre, where perhaps we’re not even sure if there really IS a superhero at all, if I’m gathering that correctly.

Anyway, here’s mine:

Title: Eden’s Temper

Summary: The Gliesian Fleet decays in orbit above Earth. Rell Carinae is sent on a mission to infiltrate the surface and establish communication between her team and Fleet. A tentative start to a decade long campaign to save as many Gliesian refugees as possible before inevitable asphyxia. But after the final exploit in Earth’s robust security is closed, it becomes evident that she and her small team represent both the first and last excursion to the surface. They were only meant to observe and report, to stay low and out of sight. Necessity now demands that for the sake of all Gliesians, they light fires in the garden.


#245
  • My Feedback

For me, I think its nice and dramatic. It tells of everything that is important, but if the paragraphs were apart a little to make it easier to read.

Also, as someone who doesn’t read sci-fi and space books, you need to catch my attention more, like the names and places, but for people who read sci-fi, they’d appreciate it.

I dunno. I’m getting roasted because of my summary, so maybe because I don’t read these kind of books, I don’t understand? Its my first impression and all, its honest.

  • MY SUMMARY.

The Drug Lord’s Child.

Paula Huerta’s never been the type to settle for anyone else’s dominion over her fate and nor did she ever feel the need for anyone else in her life; In other words she didn’t need a man. She made that clear when she ran away from the home of her wayward father and two older brothers.

But, when Creed Knowlton, a man that came without a synopsis etched on his back to warn us of what he truly was in advance, but in Paula’s eyes he didn’t need one; he wasn’t any different from her family; caught up in the drug world and stuck.

He originally intruded into her life on the hunt for her brothers, but when all he found was her, he strung her along with him, with the excuse of protection, but what was he truly protecting her from?

He dragged her along; into all the bad and corrupt world of an unknown supposed drug lord; what is she to do? Her life was taking a turn for the worse; a turn into the past she already ran away from once before.

How’s Paula going to achieve the life of peace; a life she could only dream of after the death of her mother and third brother. In the hands of Creed who promised her safety from the world that surrounds him? How was he going to help her if her kind of peace was as far away from him as possible?


#246

Feedback

7/10 I find it intriguing, but it’s a bit confusing. Not all the ideas have their own space. i like the beginning but the second paragraph is written almost as a single line. also I think the title is a bit of a cliché… I don’t know, maybe that is because where I’m from we have a lot of cartel and drug telenovelas so yeah…


MY STORY

See You Under the Tree I 1 GIRL, 1 GUY, 1 SECRET / In progress

“I’m dangerous, just get the fuck away from me!” He snapped back at me.

“I have my things too, Andy. Just open up!” At this point I was basically pleading. I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes, almost in the verge of giving up. Frustration. How could this guy be so nice and such a jerk at the same time? One minute we could be having a normal conversation, and the second he’d get to my nerves.

But something was off. I didn’t know what but I knew he wasn’t just another regular outcast. For some reason I felt attracted to him. Ever since that first fight. I was in a constant battle of letting him go and keep pushing. Never in my life had I ever felt something so right and so wrong at the same time.

“You think you know me, right? Well guess what, you know shit about me Ella. But fine. Wanna know what’s going on? I’ll see you tonight. Midnight. Under the tree. Don’t leave me hanging.”

1 GIRL. Ella, a regular redheaded girl. Just moved houses to find herself neighbor with the school’s outcast.

1 GUY. Andy, the mysterious outcast nobody knew except for his earphones, composition book, tattoos and signature leather jacket.

1 SECRET that none of them knew would change them forever.


#247

Hi we have the same name of a main character. That’s pretty cool! 7/10 only because it seems to follow the “I’m a bad boy stay away from me” kind of vibe and I’m not a huge fan of dialogue in book blurbs (that’s just me though, you do you!) I do like the feeling of there being a bit of mystery to the story about Andy’s character. I think you could make it a little better by just polishing the summary up a bit.

MY STORY
Title: Bound To You
Summary:
When Eleanor Atwood reveals to her long-time friend Kyle her secret kinks, she finds herself face-to-face with a self-proclaimed expert. Intrigued by the lifestyle, she accepts Kyle’s invitation to a ‘much’. When things go less than according to plan, Ella tries to slip out unnoticed, until she slips right into the arms of Clark Flint, a ridiculously attractive businessman and well-respected Dominant. Ella is overwhelmed by both the attention and the demands that being new to this circle brings until Clark makes her an offer she can’t refuse. Taking her under consideration, Clark agrees to train Ella as a submissive and honors her one condition: no sex.

Ella tries to avoid any emotional feelings towards Clark and convinces herself that at the end of their time together they will part ways. Clark is everything she could ever want - inelegant, successful, wealthy - but he has a dark past filled with love, lust, and loss. Ella finds herself falling hard for the man she said she wouldn’t let herself love. Afraid of not being able to keep to her own limits, Ella must decide if Clark is the person she can be vulnerable with.

THIS STORY IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES


#248

Hi, I’m really digging the title; based off of the description it seems to be a really good fit! As for the summary, I must first admit that this kind of story is not my normal terrain. But as a person who likes to write and develop stories, here are my thoughts: the background of the characters seems to be well thought out, which is always a good thing. I’m getting a bit of a Christian Grey vibe from this Clark Flint guy, but maybe that’s just the fact that he’s a dom.
One thing I tripped up on while reading the description was if you meant to say “intelligent” or “inelegant”, and while a simple typo, I just thought I’d let you know about it. The story itself does hint towards Clark not necessarily being that great of a guy and while we all love a dark and brooding bad boy-esque character, it would be wise to remember that abusive relationships are a toxic, bad thing! However, I do understand that this story is rooted in the Dom/Sub kink and so the hardest challenge as a writer with this kind of story is clarifying the line in between consensual pain (and Dom/Sub behaviors) vs. toxic behaviors without taking away from the thrill of it all and making it sound like a Sex-Ed class on consent (unless that’s what you’re going for of course).

Overall, while this genre is not my cup of tea, I would definitely say your story sounds interesting and has great potential. My rating? 8.5/10.

Title: The Eleventh School
Summary:
After leaving Hogwarts in her fourth year, feeling defeated for her extremely unimpressive magical abilities, Jessira Eloise Davenport has given up on the wizarding world and enrolled at a public American high school in upstate New York.

Her life feels dreary and gloomy without the vibrancy of magic.

But on an icy day in early November, she is left with little ability to lament when she gets in a car accident on her way home from a piano recital.
The rest of her family is killed in the accident, but she survives. Instead of damage to the brain, Raenna finds a newfound life in her once mediocre skills. With her new abilities, comes a new world full of mystery, secrets, and wonder.


#249

Oh! A O.C Harry Potter fanfic, nice. The description is very good. Points lost for the unexplained introduction of Raenna. The blurb really showed what kind of story it is and it makes you wonder what exactly changed. A solid 7/10.

Title: Give Me Wings

In a society where everyone has wings the color of their sexuality flag, Calypso seems to fit in. Though her wings are more colorful than the average population, it makes no difference to those around here.
Well, it makes no difference to most of them.
Her parents, however, are some of the last homophobes of society that are still clinging to the dark ways of the past.
Sucks for them, and Calypso, that she just happens to be omnisexual and trans.


#250

8/10! I just read your story idea in another thread and loved it so much haha! I would totally read this. It really stands out from other stories I’ve seen on this topic. :slight_smile:

Title: Mageia Era: Beyond the Clouds

In the Era of magic, all Tai Moua wants is to live a simple life and get a stable job at the local Combustion Center after he graduates from Emerald Mageia Academy. His best friend, Mai, on the other hand dreams of joining the Ruined Cities Rescue Unit(RCRU) to save orphaned children just as she and Tai had been saved.

However, their dreams grow faint when Mai receives a notice, subjecting her to the oncoming draft. A war against a bandit group known as Rogeias is on the rise and the Safe Cities need as many soldiers as possible to protect their walls. Worried for his companion, Tai follows Mai into the draft; both unprepared for the hardships to come.


#251

8/10 Sounds interesting, but the ending could have been more impactful.

Title: Where Eggs Bleed Brimstone

Would you murder a man for no other reason than to devour his flesh? Would you skin a dozen women alive to fulfill your greatest desire, be it love, fortune, alleged justice, or a base want no one dares to name?

Jane was guilty of all these crimes - so gruesome that they inspired horror tales to be told for generations to come and so cruel, unorthodox that the Kingdom only remembers her as “The Witch”, the incarnation of the Devil in the mortal realm.

As thrilling as it may sound, this is not the Tale of The Witch, the story of the occult heretic who indulged in cannibalism and lust. This is the biography of Jane of Brimstoneburg, the body of human flesh and bones under the marred skin, the body that, despite its stench of brimstone, bleeds red blood. This story starts in Brimstoneburg, the City Where Eggs Bleed Brimstone.

Note: I know this is not everyone’s type of story, so could you comment on the summary plot-wise and impact-wise?


#252

8/10. It really sounds interesting and amazingly different, but the end is a little confusing. For a second I thought they were two different Janes. It got me really interested until you said it wasn’t about the witch you spent so much time introducing and then flipped the coin.

Title: Unleashed

Greenberg, a small town in the middle of no where, deep in the forest, was indeed small. But like every town or city, it has drama and gossip. Anywhere there is mankind, there’s drama and gossip.

‘Did you hear, Mary and Kyle are having a baby?’ Blah, blah, blah! Whatever, where ever it is~ it’s there, whether you want it or not.

Well, this is about how I went from spreading gossip, rumors, and starting drama to trying to keep secrets, stay hidden, and stay alive.

How I went from human to beast,

How I was unleashed.


#253

5/10 It does sound interested and I like the way it ends, but it seems too informal, too casual. For an official summary I believe it should have a more objective tone.

Title: Ryken Augmented

Ryken Augmented is an action/adventure novel that tells the story of a teenage boy by the name of Samané Lutrio living in the Laevus nation. This page turning saga invokes laughter, anger and despair as Samané and his friends go through the joyous, yet bitter days of their teenage lives. With his father dead for more than seven years now, Samané struggles to find his way in life while trying desperately to hold his family together. This continuous inner conflict within Samané is hidden by his cool, nonchalant exterior until one day his brother leaves home and he is unable to hold his emotions back anymore. As Samané courageously pursues his delinquent brother, Metis, he loses the best friend he’s ever had. Despite these tragic occurrences Samané learns the true meaning of perseverance, honor, and trust while plunging ever deeper into wicked territory. During his epic journey, Samané fights against the odds with the same determination as his deceased father, but in the presence of the Excessum, even that may not prove to be enough…


#254

It definitely reads more like a review than a summary and, page turning as it might be, it isn’t something I’d pick up I don’t think. THe summary seems vague and it’s also telling the reader a lot about what they should be allowed to decide for themselves (i.e: page turning saga, invoking laughter, the mc having this cool exterior) 5/10.

Renegades:
Fable’s life changed forever the day her engineering outpost was attacked by a group of pirates, leaving her friends and allies with no chance of escape. When the pirates leave the outpost in ruins, minus whatever they came for, she finds herself with them, locked in the dingy underbelly of a transport ship heading god-knows where.

At the same moment, far away, a colony ship is crashing onto a desert planet, leaving much of it’s crew to die before it even hits the sand.

At the same moment, far away, there’s a dark ship moving slowly through a place it shouldn’t be, drifting in and out like a mirage.

Something is coming and, even if she doesn’t know it, Fable has more of a part to play than she could’ve ever imagined.


#255

8/10
The beginning of your summary was very intriguing! I liked how you flashed between the different plot lines, and some of your imagery was very compelling (I really liked when you said the ship was moving through a place it shouldn’t be). My only complaint is that I think the last line is too vague. I like how it hints at the conflict and the role of the main character, but I think you could be more specific about what exactly she’s going to have to do.

Title: Of Silver and Swans
Summary:

A girl who would die to escape her curse and a boy who would risk everything to have it.

Lynette never asked to be a swan. Every night, she and her six sisters drink moonlight, the blessing - or curse, in Lynette’s eyes - passed down through their mother’s bloodline transforming them into swans. While her sisters love the grace and beauty their swan-feather cloaks bestow upon them, Lynette would like nothing more than to be free. But her Maman’s icy grip is too cold to escape, and even if she could, the moon’s magic is not willing to let her slip away.

Luckily for Lynette, Wylan is willing to trade. His older brother escaped from their abusive father, but he left Wylan behind. So when Wylan spies a swan become a girl cloaked in silver feathers, he doesn’t hesitate. But no matter how hard he tries, it will take more than borrowed feathers to make him a swan.

The moon demands a sacrifice, and it will be paid in blood.


#256

9/10 Your story sounds really interesting. Your first sentence says everything and has me hooked to read more. If you ever change anything in this summary, be sure to keep that first sentence.

Understanding Teenagers

Newly college grad Liam was just hired to write the next great Young Adult Novel for the struggling company Mid Mills Publishing.

The problem? He’s hasn’t written much in his life nor does he know a lot about teenagers. Shouldn’t he already know a little something about teenagers? Perhaps if he was experienced in actually writing Young Adult or anything else at all.

With this new job, he and his fiancee move to Pacific City and live with his old friend Jaxon and Jaxon’s Sister Giselle. Giselle is getting ready to graduate high school. Through Giselle, he just might understand teenagers.


#257

7/10 Ooh I love the concept! It sounds like an interesting plot. I think the summary could be improved by rewording the last two paragraphs. In my opinion, the second paragraph is a bit repetitive. If I was you I would keep the first two lines of that paragraph and connect them with the paragraph below. Based on the current summary I would definitely give it a read!

The Command Series: Citizen

In a society where everything is controlled, there is no room for deviance. Each morning, the citizens of Arabel put on bracelets that send commands to their brains and give them electric shocks if they fail to obey. Smile, Citizen. Be silent, Citizen. Do not harm yourself, Citizen.

Kyra Jackson was a perfect citizen. Loyal, hardworking and smart; how everyone was supposed to be. When Kyra’s future is decided, she changes from the controlled to the controller. However, this power puts her in a dangerous position, leading her to make decisions that are not only about right and wrong, but life or death.


#258

I like your blurb :smiley: It has all what one needs. It outlines the basic plot, but doesn’t go into unnecessary details. The repetation of Citizen shows how the goverment thinks about people. They are more like tools to them.

The first sentence in the second paragraph is in past tense while the ret is in present tense. It may be better to rewrite it in the same tense :wink: The last sentence can be changed a bit.

“position. Her decisions aren’t now only about…” May smooth it a bit :wink:

Rating: 8.5/10

PS. Long time no see, huh :smiley:


NinRai: MissAdventures For Two

“Hush, hush, little girl.” The old man rocked a small child. “Stop your tears. Here is a story, perk your ears.”

He patted the girl between her cat ears. “Let me tell you about misadventures of a boy named Kairo and his rabbit partner Arubi from beyond three towering mountains and two bubbling rivers.”

“What misadventures, Grandpa?” The girl stopped her sobbing, wiping the last tear with her clenched paw.

“A many jaw-dropping adventures with butt-proud Camtaurs, Dark Elves in spandex, a cat acrobat or a band of Rorty Thieves with a mountain of treasures hiding in a desert.”

“I love treasures!” The girl threw her hands in the air, crowing.

“Then listen closely. Let the story unfold in front of you.”

The girl’s eyes widened, and her lips spread into a wide smile with sharp fangs as her tail wagged. The bruised knee stopped hurting with her grandpa’s words.


#259

6/10

I’m assuming this is an excerpt from the story, but I don’t think it does a very good job of hooking the reader and drawing their interest. It does seem promising, and I’m interested by the fact that the little girl is not human, but I think it would be better if you didn’t use an excerpt. Plus, there are a few grammatical mistakes. Though they’re nothing major, they do make the story look less professional.

Title: Of Swans and Silver
Summary:
A girl who would die to escape her curse and a boy who would risk everything to have it.

Lynette never asked to be a swan. Every night, she and her six sisters drink moonlight, the blessing - or curse, in Lynette’s eyes - passed down through their mother’s bloodline transforming them into swans. While her sisters love the grace and beauty their swan-feather cloaks bestow upon them, Lynette would like nothing more than to be free. But her Maman’s icy grip is too cold to escape, and even if she could, the moon’s magic is not willing to let her slip away.

Luckily for Lynette, Wylan is willing to trade. His older brother escaped from their abusive father, but he left Wylan behind. So when Wylan spies a swan become a girl cloaked in silver feathers, he doesn’t hesitate. But no matter how hard he tries, it will take more than borrowed feathers to make him a swan.

The moon demands a sacrifice, and it will be paid in blood.


#260

8/10 I love this last sentence. The summary as a whole is intriguing and detailed, but I think it can be shortened. Keep it up!

The Outlaws of Acirema

“We are not super-heroes, because we don’t care about world peace, justice… or any of this utopian bullshit. We are selfish bastards who kill people for the highest bidder.”

Meet you typical team of super-vigilantes (?): Katarina, the pansexual succubus who hates romantic comedies, Cayden, whose fate is tied to hers, Barbie, the android who looks like a Barbie doll, Aldric, the creepy “one-hundred-and-something-year-old telepathic clairvoyant stuck in the cherubic body of a thirteen-year-old”, and Ebony, their mysterious leader with a secret agenda. What adventures await this bunch of ‘angsty’ young and young-looking friends who fight not for “utopian bullshit”, but for cold, hard cash?


#261

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