Last Dialogue You Wrote

Rate he post above and comment. I’ll start.

Again Phoenix came running. “Hi, Big Brother!”

“Hi, buddy.” Alain pulled the kid into his lap. “I missed you. Is T coming, too?”

Phoenix shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

Alain wanted that but knew not to get his hopes up. To this point, they had never crossed together. When he dreamt of them often in his childhood, they weren’t always together, either.

“Have you two had fun, though?”

“Uh huh!” His eyes lit up. “She’s played with me lots.”

That was great to hear but sad, too. Phoenix was too young to notice or understand, but Alain felt an air of guilt on T’s part. She probably wished she had protected their brother during the incident. Those instincts came easily as the eldest child.

This may have been the best turn of events, though.

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The angst Alain is feeling here kinda… feels overdone? It feels melodramatic, tbh. And it’s p telly. Not always a bad thing, but I think it’s detrimental here.

The dialogue itself is fine, though.

The floor was a touch too warm when she put her feet down, but she forewent acquiring shoes. Whoever was at her door had waited long enough.

Maka stood on the other end, bearing two bowls.

“You again,” Dakota said before clamping her mouth shut.

Maka offered a bowl to her and she took it. Heat seeped through into her fingers.

“You could come in.”

Maka did, sweeping past Dakota without a sound. Pulling a chair out, she sat down and stuffed oatmeal into her mouth.

Dakota made to speak but thought better of it. She sat down, too.

Maka paused from eating. “Luriel told me you didn’t eat yesterday,” she signed, keeping her movements slow.

“I had dinner.”

She frowned. “Not enough.”

Dakota puffed out her cheeks and turned away. “I’m adjusting to the situation. Still getting used to sleep.”

“No sleep?”

“Barely.”

Maka frowned, scraping her spoon around the bowl before signing. “Not good. S-C-A-R-E-D?”

“No, I…” Dakota stopped to eat a spoonful. “I don’t know. It’s overwhelming.”

“I see.”

“Did you sleep well?”

Maka’s fingers stilled for a moment too long. “Yes.”

“Lie,” Dakota signed back, miming turning her tongue over.

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I liked this a lot. Seriously just pushing me to read this sooner rather than later
There does seem to be a bit of a tone shift though. Like for example these two sentences;

and

It sounds like it almost was written by two different people. The first one is very proper, while the other is more “chill”. Does that make sense?

Besides that the dialogue is believable and dynamic. I like how you treated sign language in this. :smile:

Mine;

“The trip shouldn’t be longer than about 6 hours and then we’ll be at a safe-house in Mexico. So it’s small trip today.”

I frowned. “Is 6 hours a small trip?”

“In Texas it sure is. I was born and bred here and if I drove 6 hours I was barely outside of my own town.” Gordon laughed a roaring and very deep laugh.

“If I drove 6 hours I was in another country,” I snorted.

“You grew up in Ireland, Nathan. That’s one country,” Che said and arched a brow at me.

“Northern Ireland is another country and not a part of Ireland, mate. Also, Northern Ireland is in the UK, while Ireland isn’t.”

“He’s got you there, Levy,” Maliah laughed.

"You’re so smart but still the UK and Great Britain confuses you so much,” I mused and leaned over to kiss his cheek but he leaned away from me.

“Well, at least I’m not a dick about it when you don’t know stuff.”

“I rarely know something you don’t and you know it,” I murmured and kissed his shoulder instead.

He smiled and kissed the top of my head. “Okay. You can have this one.”

“Yay.”

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that’s fair, but the “she” in both segments you highlighted are different people. The first is Dakota narrating herself [basically] and the next is about Maka.

But I’ll look at fixing it XD

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Immediately I thought of the dreaded “three hour tour.” It’s a Gilligan’s Island thing. I just totally aged myself right now. Hahaha.

I really do need to travel more often and get out from under my rock. #learnedsomethingnew

Daaaawh! I love kisses on shoulders and foreheads. The sweetest.

I’d find a different word for one of these ‘laughs.’ The double usage in the same sentence seemed a bit off.

Other than that, I enjoyed it! Great job, Lady!

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Oh my gosh! Sorry! Didn’t realize I was in the Fantasy genre. I deleted my non-relevant dialog. hahaha. Maybe I’ll go start one over in the humor section. :smiley:

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Yoroshiku!

@AWFrasier is next

Logan opened his eyes in a dark room, fully covered and engulfed in the many silky sheets of a wide bed. He stretched his arms as he felt a bit lightheaded, turning over to the other side of the bed.

There, he met her shallow green eyes, reflecting moonlight from the window.

Logan’s eyes widened as he stared into hers, “… Those eyes, who are you?”

Amista’s cheeks reddened as they locked sights, and suddenly she lifted her left arm from the sheets and placed it at Logan’s forehead. Within less than a moment his eyes fell shut and he was fast asleep again. The blonde quickly un-bedded herself with a flushed face.

“<insert bye bye in Indonesian here>…”

Random scene, rather misleading to the genre maybe? Lol

IDK :laughing:, because of my personality I find it rather funny that she kissed him on the shoulder. I suppose descriptions for the inside of the car and the nature outside were given beforehand? I would have loved to see them.

The dialogue itself Is nice and natural though.

*He :wink:

But yeah, descriptions were given before and after all of this.

So,um, who’s next? Was gonna mention something about Fray’s, but not sure if there’s meant to be someone else posting first to comment on or not? I’m a little confused?

simon is next

That’s for the clarification. Seemed a little all over the show with the last few comments in regards to order

gets wacky when people don’t comment and crap.

Exactly. Or reply to a previous post of an excerpt :confused:

This time, when I grabbed her arm, I was prepared not to allow her to budge. “You may not know me, Laelia, but we need to leave – right now.”

She resisted, moving as if to take a step farther in the courtyard. “No, I will not–”

I pulled her back, moving to blend us in with the dispersing crowd heading toward the Central’s exit as I leaned in close to her ear, murmuring, “There are a ton of people watching you way too closely right now, girl, and I don’t think they’re taking too kindly to your tears for your husband. We need to leave.”

Her eyes flared at the mention of the rest of the crowd, and she looked around from beneath her lashes as if to confirm my claim. I only kept guiding her through the crowd, approving silently when she ducked her head down, raising her hand to subtly wipe her tears away.

I kept my thoughts only on getting Laelia safely away from the masses, loosening my hold on her arm just a bit when it began to thin, only for another grip to tighten around my own arm on my left, halting the both of us in our stride.

I growled lowly, glancing over to give whoever had stopped us a piece of my mind, when my eyes grazing over the olive toned skin of the masculine hand that held me.

I pursed my lips, unable to help the curse that slipped past them in the next second in my denial.

“Master Myrddin?”

@LxOxGxIxA is next

This time, when I grabbed her arm, I was prepared not to allow her to budge.

This “I was prepared not to allow her to budge” is SUPER awkward phrasing, and I highly, highly, highly recommend fixing it.

She resisted, moving as if to take a step farther in the courtyard. “No, I will not–”

If they’re in the courtyard, it should be already implied she’s trying to move further into it. Thus, “as if to take a step farther into the courtyard” is redundant. You can leave it at “She resisted”. A short sentence about her taking a step if you’re feeling fancy. That and the “as if” implies it’s variable she’s actually doing this. Don’t think that’s what you want.

I pulled her back, moving to blend us in with the dispersing crowd heading toward the Central’s exit as I leaned in close to her ear, murmuring, “There are a ton of people watching you way too closely right now, girl, and I don’t think they’re taking too kindly to your tears for your husband. We need to leave.”

Holy run-ons, Batman. I highly suggest you cleave this sentence in two. Something like… “I pulled her back, moving to blend us in with the dispersing crowd. Leaning in close, I murmured,” and then dialogue.

I only kept guiding her through the crowd, approving silently when she ducked her head down, raising her hand to subtly wipe her tears away.

We’ve now used “crowd” three times in two paragraphs. That’s two times too many. Also, remove “only”. There’s also too many adverbs for my liking but… I’ll leave that alone.

I kept my thoughts only on getting Laelia safely away from the masses, loosening my hold on her arm just a bit when it began to thin, only for another grip to tighten around my own arm on my left, halting the both of us in our stride.

To repeat: Holy run-on, Batman.

I growled lowly, glancing over to give whoever had stopped us a piece of my mind, when my eyes grazing over the olive toned skin of the masculine hand that held me.

This sentence works being this long. But there’s a couple of things about it that don’t:

-You don’t need “lowly”. A growl isn’t that high pitched to begin with. It just drags down the prose.
-How does this character know the hand is masculine or not? Just leave it at “large”/“rough”/“small”/whatever it actually is.

I pursed my lips, unable to help the curse that slipped past them in the next second in my denial.

remove “in”. Also, denial of what?

All in all, this scene has a lot that could be tweaked about it, and there’s not much dialogue here to be found. It’s essentially

“come with me”
“no”
“come with me”


“Master?”

Considering we’re supposed to be rating the dialogue… There isn’t much to rate in terms of it? But what is there… I’ll give the dialogue itself a 7/10. Not much to it, really.

The excerpt itself is… I would give it a 4/10.

Amista’s cheeks reddened as they locked sights, and suddenly she lifted her left arm from the sheets and placed it at Logan’s forehead.

I like “locked sights”, do not like “suddenly”. TBH I’d feel more inclined to make that its own sentence. You do you.

The blonde quickly un-bedded herself with a flushed face.

Is this omniscient or…? Because as touching as this last bit is, if this is third limited from Logan’s perspective, we can’t see this because he’s already asleep. You could fix this so that he’s FALLING asleep as this happens so we can still see it. That would make it better.

Like I mentioned to the last person, there’s not much dialogue here to actually critique? So I can’t give any sort of score for that. But the scene itself… 7/10. Bit too short to form proper thoughts on but also I kinda like it.

Totally omniscient ^.^

And yeah it is pretty short, huh. I took the “last paragraph you wrote” super literally XD