This time, when I grabbed her arm, I was prepared not to allow her to budge.
This “I was prepared not to allow her to budge” is SUPER awkward phrasing, and I highly, highly, highly recommend fixing it.
She resisted, moving as if to take a step farther in the courtyard. “No, I will not–”
If they’re in the courtyard, it should be already implied she’s trying to move further into it. Thus, “as if to take a step farther into the courtyard” is redundant. You can leave it at “She resisted”. A short sentence about her taking a step if you’re feeling fancy. That and the “as if” implies it’s variable she’s actually doing this. Don’t think that’s what you want.
I pulled her back, moving to blend us in with the dispersing crowd heading toward the Central’s exit as I leaned in close to her ear, murmuring, “There are a ton of people watching you way too closely right now, girl, and I don’t think they’re taking too kindly to your tears for your husband. We need to leave.”
Holy run-ons, Batman. I highly suggest you cleave this sentence in two. Something like… “I pulled her back, moving to blend us in with the dispersing crowd. Leaning in close, I murmured,” and then dialogue.
I only kept guiding her through the crowd, approving silently when she ducked her head down, raising her hand to subtly wipe her tears away.
We’ve now used “crowd” three times in two paragraphs. That’s two times too many. Also, remove “only”. There’s also too many adverbs for my liking but… I’ll leave that alone.
I kept my thoughts only on getting Laelia safely away from the masses, loosening my hold on her arm just a bit when it began to thin, only for another grip to tighten around my own arm on my left, halting the both of us in our stride.
To repeat: Holy run-on, Batman.
I growled lowly, glancing over to give whoever had stopped us a piece of my mind, when my eyes grazing over the olive toned skin of the masculine hand that held me.
This sentence works being this long. But there’s a couple of things about it that don’t:
-You don’t need “lowly”. A growl isn’t that high pitched to begin with. It just drags down the prose.
-How does this character know the hand is masculine or not? Just leave it at “large”/“rough”/“small”/whatever it actually is.
I pursed my lips, unable to help the curse that slipped past them in the next second in my denial.
remove “in”. Also, denial of what?
All in all, this scene has a lot that could be tweaked about it, and there’s not much dialogue here to be found. It’s essentially
“come with me”
“come with me”
Considering we’re supposed to be rating the dialogue… There isn’t much to rate in terms of it? But what is there… I’ll give the dialogue itself a 7/10. Not much to it, really.
The excerpt itself is… I would give it a 4/10.