Last Paragraph You've Written


#1
  1. Rate the paragraph above yours out of 10. Please try to give HELPFUL AND RELEVANT advice and not just three words (this discussion is for helping people and you can’t help someone by just ‘that was intriguing’, please ELABORATE.

  2. Post the last paragraph you’ve written (Can be from a chapter, completed book, anything).

My paragraph:

I loved the way her eyes lit up whenever I gave her a surprise. I loved the way she smiled at me. Most of all I loved the way she told me loved me, because I know that whoever tries to come between us, will never be able to split us apart again.

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Advice on Plot Holes

Plot Holes


#2

That is so beautiful :sleepy: I wish my girlfriend would say that to me.

I walk down the hall, glancing into every single classroom. But there’s no sign of either of them anywhere. Then just as I’m about to walk back to the parking lot, a door swings open in front of me and out walks a pale looking Olivia with her arm around Hailey’s shoulder. Wait a minute, did they just exit from the janitor’s closet?


#3

6/10 Mysterious, but of course this is like a mid story scene so I have no idea what is going on or like what is happening but there is definitely some questions in this paragraph which is great.

I held my breath watching the house turn to ash until the flames dissipated and there was nothing left to burn. Just like our love, what was left to throw into the flames other than myself. My own hand, my voice. And as I stood there, fire building under my eyelids, the tears drowned the flames with water, filling my heart with water. And if left in the cold for too long, ice would form.


#4

That was beautifully done! Wow. I have nothing else to add.

Later that week, I had the worst nightmare.

I might have been chatting with Billy on the hood of my car back in Phoenicia. Maybe we were talking about saving money for a guitar he’d wanted. That part of the dream was fuzzy. The next part, for some godforsaken reason, wasn’t.

Suddenly, I heard a door swing open behind us. It banged against the wall. When I turned to see who it was, Tori wobbled toward us… nine months pregnant. She wore this lavender muumuu and her hair was in disarray. Smoke and a bright white light filtered in from behind her, her dark eyes shiny from tears. She opened her mouth and said words that were more frightening than the image before us.

“My water broke.”

Aw hell.


#5

Nice, I just noticed a couple of really minor things:

  • I would combine “Suddenly, I heard a door swing open behind us. It banged against the wall.” so it reads, “Suddenly, I heard a door swing open behind us, banging against the wall.”

  • “When I turned to see who it was, Tori wobbled towards us…” can be changed to “When I turned see who it was, I saw Tori wobbling towards us…nine months pregnant.”

My paragraph:
“Shh!” he warned, "I think there were more gunmen at that end of the alley, too.” Using the dumpster as a cover, pulled out his gun. He took off the safety, aimed and fired a couple of bullets. Elizabeth could tell he made his target by the yelp of surprise and pain from the enemy.

“Alright, stay close. Just follow my lead.” he said. And with that, they ran out from behind their cover, going the direction that Max had just been firing at. A few bullets whizzed past them, narrowly missing. One bullet that was aimed directly at Max’s head was blocked when he swiftly used his briefcase as a shield, simultaneously firing his own bullets.

"There!” Max spotted more crates and boxes in the alleyway that created another hiding spot, and pushed Elizabeth unceremoniously towards it. Understanding what he wanted her to do, she took cover.

But this time instead of hiding with her, he kept running towards the source of the gunshots.
(Don’t worry, she seems kind of demure atm but this is a bodyguard story, she’s letting him do his job. But also, she’ll kick butt on her own later in the story)


#6

I would indent this to a new line as you are switching from dialogue to action.

I would suggest removing the “And” from this and just capitalizing With.

This is very passive, I would suggest making it more active.

Not really needed, I would remove.

Perhaps use a stronger verb depending on the strength of the action. Due to the action in the scene, I believe a word such as “shoved” “threw” etc. would better serve the purpose.

Overall, I’d say a 7/10 it’s intriguing, has plenty of action but it could use some more active tenses, wording, and sentence structure to better relay the sense of activeness in the scene.

This is from my current WIP, entirely unedited, so be prepared for raw, but I’d like to hear your thoughts on it.

Her wailing turned into choked sobbing as it became hard to breathe but she couldn’t stop the tirade of tears slipping down her face. It wasn’t until there were no more that she managed to begin calming herself down. Even so, she laid there for a long while, choking out a soft few whimpers and cries as she continued to reflect on hole of despair now carved into her chest. She’d tried to ignore it for so long, trying to act as if she could carry the weight of the world on her own shoulders, but she knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t keep doing this alone, but she didn’t know who in the universe to trust.


#7

10/10 I liked the way you showed a struggling girl. I was able to picture her crying as well as her struggle. I’m curious as to why she’s like that.

I continued to watch my dad smoke outside. There were a few times he coughed, but he finished his cigarette. Night soon spawned, and I sat with my parents as they watched a movie in the living room. Mom was asleep halfway through the movie while my dad stayed awake coughing every few minutes. The more I looked, the more I noticed that he had not aged very well unlike my mom.


#8

Thank you so much! That’s a really good rating for a raw draft, I’m so glad I could relate it so well. I appreciate the review!


#9

7/10 I get what you are trying to say and I wish I knew what was before this but based on whats here this is my suggestion.
I continued to watch my father finish his cigarette. As night approached I watched a movie with my parents in our living room. Mom had fallen asleep halfway through, she even slept through dad’s coughing fits he was having every few minutes. As I took in my dad’s appearance I noticed that he had not aged as well as my mom had.

Ever since this morning when I woke up, I have been feeling off. As a vampire, I am already hypersensitive to everything but today feels different. My skin is all tingly and every now and then I will get this weird shiver down my spine. Not knowing what was going on I made a mental note to call my dad after I was done running errands.


#10

They had just finished eating out when the mc finds her dad is smoking again after failing to quit. She discusses it with her mom.

I really like your suggestion. I just may use that.


#11

Hmm, if it were in third person, I might have been more forgiving of “As a vampire…” It strikes me as a blatant nod to the reader (I see it quite often in First Person stories and it gets me every time, especially FP that doesn’t use a retrospective POV). I’d have liked a little more than “everything”, since that strikes me as a good place to establish some of the world rules around vampires. There’s obvious tension here with the story question “Why’s a vampire feeling off?” but it’s presented through a tell that doesn’t allow us to see the tension through the character, so it’s note quite as tense as it could be. 6/10.

**

On a mountain where the soil is red and lizards sleep on the backs of sun-soaked boulders, there is a manling, and his name is Khaya. He walks naked and barefoot up the mountain, staff in his hand, a whip coiled over his shoulder. A roan dog trails him – Mona – with his liver-coloured tongue hanging over white teeth, fur matted with dust, his trot keeping him in the shade of his friend’s shadow. Though the manling wears no clothes, he is not truly naked; his skin is lathered in the dark clay of the Red River. It keeps him cool in the sweltering hours he spends tending to his goats, camouflages him on night patrols, and gives off a chalky sweetness that snakes loath to be near.


#13

@GabrielaSalvatore0 Hello! :smile:

Alas, I’m going to have to remove your comment. Asking people read your story, and/or providing a link, is considered self-advertising and is against Club Guidelines

If you would like feed back on your story, feel free to have a look at the Story Services club :smile:

You can also share your story in the Share a Story Club :smile:

Thank you for understanding!

Kay - Community Ambassador :xkaydotx:


#14

This. Is. Perfect actually, I could see no mistake I could correct; grammar was top-notch apart from the switching from tenses which is understandable and excused. It has enough (I can’t name the term) to keep it an entertaining read; not info dumping which alot of people do presented the circumstance. I suggest you keep this style of writing up. It’s not straining to read, no useless words; sleek and clean, steady and smooth, easy to read, one of the best qualities for a novel.

----- { Gobble Gobble Gobble } -----
I nodded. The first note was low and soft, silent and powerful. Then silence. Silence that pulls you in, demanding proper attention. My hands started to flutter across the keys, a crescendo of notes crashing and melding together, back and forth. The piece wondered from slow, soft sorrowful melodies, then startled into a crisp clarity, bordering a maniacal tempo.
The piece was fairly simple-- soft. That was its charm, having power in being weak, a sense of complexity in being lacking. It was ghastly. The mellowness envelopes until it becomes overpowering


#15

Coming back with fresh eyes I see what you are saying. Thank you I will rework it.


#16

This is solid, smooth writing. The varied sentence length helps the flow and makes the writing read in a musical way, which fits well considering the scene has the MC playing the piano. I enjoyed the last two sentences. The word choice was poetic and fitting for the scene. It likely tells a bit about the MC’s personality as well. Good job.


From - THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.

“Keep raising your voice, it won’t be a bear mauling you.”

“I’ll bounce yer’ bleedin’ head off the hood of this car and burn down your gaff.”

I would have proposed on the spot if I had a ring that didn’t previously belong to someone who had died. Smooth mood change there, yeah? Surprise depression for that ass. I had laughed when she said that, though. I’m a sucker for violence. I walked up to her and put my hand on the small of her back, which made her jump slightly.

“Let me take you inside.” I said this in a low growl of a voice. Yes sir. It wasn’t said, but I felt it. She turned and looked at me as we reached the door. Anxiety. I moved my hand to the back of her neck and lightly massaged it. I don’t know why. It felt right. A quick breath escaped her mouth, and I felt her shudder before her shoulders relaxed. She turned back and looked at the surrounding woods, then the sky.

“The moon is really pretty tonight.” She was trying to break the tension.

“Yeah. It is.” I turned the key.


#17

This confused me a bit, but probably makes sense with the rest of the story.

It should be a comma after ‘inside’, not a period.

This feels unnecessary, or you could try to imply in how she says it that it’s to break the tension instead of telling it.


From Descent into Madness

I coughed, knifes running up the inside of my throat at the action. Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited for the sensation to pass.

A thought hit me. I hadn’t looked at the rest of the room, could he be sitting there? Watching me suffer? Payback for what I did? It wouldn’t be like him. He’s too good for that.

Or maybe he managed to close the door before he bled out, and his corpse is lying on the makeshift bed. That would be worse.


#18

Okay this is really good. It’s very jarring. I have goosebumps just reading this. The only thing critical I have to say is that it should be knives not knifes. Knives is the plural of knife. Unless you were going for an apostrophe. Knife’s. Other than that it’s amazing. 8/10

High School Matchmaker

Tyler’s room smells, if possible, even worse than he does. It smells like feces had sex with body odor and had a baby garbage truck. His room is a total mess. Clothes, candy wrappers, crumbs, paper plates laden with half-eaten food, and other detritus are strewn on the carpeted floor.

His bed is messy and stained, his closet is bursting with clothes and a cornucopia of muddy sneakers, and perched on his desk is a mountain of papers, books, pencils, notebooks, his laptop, and other school supplies.

Violet, Alex, Jordan and I gaze around his room with disgust written on our faces.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” says Tyler.


#19

10/10, wow you described Tyler’s room so good that even I was disgusted with his room.

~

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Once Dani and her dad left from being in earshot, I cringed out loud at my reply to Dani and muttered under my breath, “Why did I have to say that out of all the things I could have said to her?”


#20

8/10. Since it’s pretty short, it doesn’t set a scene or reveal much of what was going on, but it does show how the character felt. I’m quite curious to find out what your character had said to Dani that made him/her that disgusted.

This could be changed to something like “were out of earshot” to make the flow more fluent I think.


Need A Ride

I draw my knees up against my chest and bury my laughter into my knuckles, beautified by an uncouthly raucous sound when I draw breath. Lauren crashes down on her side, holding her stomach, chortling as if being attacked by a violent tickle. I slip off the chair like a jellyfish in a hysterical state, crawl forward and sit with my back leaning on the side of her bed, forcing down my urge for laughing. She presses her hands on her cheeks to feel the heat on them, suppressing her laugh to a giggle, then sits herself down next to me. I can precisely feel my belly forming abs after that laughing session; the notch under my rib cage is gone. We sit by each other’s side, light-headed with sated endorphins. I take in a satisfyingly deep breath.


#21

10/10 ! I really want to know what they were laughing about. I know the feeling of gaining abs from a laugh session. :slight_smile: This was really well described.


I wasn’t totally jealous of Leah having a date. Not anymore, anyway. I had been years ago, but I quickly learned that her boyfriends and dates were nothing substantial. There was nothing to be jealous of. They weren’t the kinds of relationships I wanted. I wanted something real, something long term. I wanted to be with the person I’d one day marry, even if that meant being alone while I wanted to find them.