Last Paragraph You've Written


#42

10/10 The conversation between them is so organic and not forced at all. The reactions are also very refreshing and exhilarating.

This one is from my newest story The Hero’s Revenge

The rest of the night was sleepless for him, as he stayed up to sharpen sticks in case of an attack. Though, that was just what he told himself to keep his mind off of plotting revenge on the mages. No, that would come later.


#43

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed like a toddler. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#44

8/10 pretty good grammar, good imagery, clean writing.

“Council members, as of this day take note the events of the past few minutes. The Thillici Empire refuses to step down in their wrongful claims and declares they will use force to take the territory of Rodon.”

“What does this mean?” Naime asked softly, her face contorted in worry.

Edit’s eyes flickered to the younger woman, her face hard as she answered in a dire tone.

“This means war.”


#45

9/10

I love the dialogue and the hook at the end to keep readers interested. Plus, Naime is totally me - I had no idea what the first line was about, but I was still interested by the end!


I heard his footsteps and looked up angrily to tell him to leave, but he wasn’t there. The door slammed, and I was left alone, with an injured hand, a broken heart, and a damaged mind. I cried louder, the sobs wracking through my body as I curled into a ball on the kitchen floor. Regret flooded my body but, funnily enough, it wasn’t the regret I expected. I didn’t regret meeting Lucas, I didn’t regret talking to him, following him, looking for him. I regretted telling him to leave. And it hurt, really, really , hurt, that he did.

So, I cried more, and regretted more, all alone in the house that used to be my home.

Where are you, Dad?


#46

10/10

Honestly, I have no advice to give you. You can really feel the pain that your MC is feeling and you weren’t putting too much emotion to it—it’s balanced. It’s very well written, too. This is a great paragraph.

Here’s mine:

With a snap of a finger, a small photograph produced in the air and softly landed on the librarian’s lap. He lifted the photograph and then dropped it, as if it burned his fingertips. His body trembled. All the color was drained from his face and his eyes… they never moved away from it. The cup in his hand shook, spilling the contents onto the books, onto the table, onto the floor, until he dropped it. It shattered into tiny pieces, scattering across the mahogany floor.

“Do you believe me now?"

He pointed a shaky finger at me. “Y-You are s-sick,” he stuttered. “What was that—that monstrosity of a picture?”


#47

9/10 the only thing that’s a little odd is the color draining from his eyes. It’s just kind of a weird statement, unless that’s a feature I don’t have any context for. Pupil dilation might be more appropriate? And maybe a touch too much description. It’s made very clear the character’s being affected dramatically from the first few sentences. No need to prove it further with the cup! You’ve already done the trick!

From Cursed Gardens

The lake roiled. Bubbles rose from the depths, schools of fish scattering away from whatever was churning at the bottom.

“What spell did you use?” Val demanded.

Before Maggie could answer, a wave rose from the freshwater, the boat rising with it until it was almost horizontal. Maggie’s grip slipped from railing and she slammed backward into Penn. crashing both of them off against the seat cushions and into the lake.


#48

I just read your thing but here I realise why you thought the colour was draining from his eyes, but it’s actually supposed to be two independent clauses (I believe, please correct me if I am wrong, @mediocre-prose).

Ultimately, it should have a comma:

ANYWAYS: Thanks @mediocre-prose for the awesome feedback on my paragraph :blush:


#49

You’re right. It was a small mistake that I forgot to fix. :sweat_smile:


#50

Lmao don’t even stress I always stuff up my independent clauses - it’s only because I have been focussing and learning about them a lot more that I am finally picking up on them. (Plus, Word helps lol)


#52

10/10

I love this! The word variety, a sense of action and relationship. Only thing is I think you might mean vertical instead of horizontal. Otherwise, I love it!


It wasn’t until they were out of Daleri that Heila let out her first sob, and Kai Fen opened his arms for her to hide in. Watching her stain the front of his robes made guilt nest at the base of his throat. Images of muscles, spasming and contracting against their will, stained the back of his eyelids. Where was his anger? His sadness, his grief? He let his eyes drift out into the darkness ahead of them, a heavy sigh passing his lips.

Maybe he’d feel something in the morning, but for now, he simply moved his hand in calming circles across Heila’s back.


#53

10/10

This is ever-so-vivid. I adore the way you describe the way tears worked their way up whilst taking control over one’s body. Kai Fen’s character appears to be contradicting himself, however at least to my interpretation of it. He watches Heila and greets her grief with empathy alright, but then why does he question his lack thereof? Perhaps it’s because I don’t have much context of the scene, but he just appears emotional in the first half of the paragraph and then you suggest that ‘maybe he’d feel something in the morning’.


#55

“Of course…” Jenny mutters, tapping her chin with her talon, “she was the one to receive the Hamlet book in the fir–” something robbed her of the ground underneath her feet. She fell on her chest, feeling her wings slitter back into their body like a spider caught in the act. Her ears, nose, and claws decided she had endured enough of the static, and fell back to normal as well. The sooty fog that fell over Los Angeles retrieved itself into the pale sky and joined the shy clouds. Jenny lifted herself up. She could hear the cheering from Scar’s hospital room, and Theme’s radiating happiness was priceless. All the knots in the rope had finally worked themselves out, untangling themselves to the initially desired straightness of the string. The beads were free to fly at last, untamed by the paths they were forced to cross in a given way. Ashton wept, and Jenny hugged her. The conclusion rescued itself from the stretching rack, and the frustration faded into the atmosphere; it felt different, from the landscape stretching itself ahead to the glaring sunlight. The resolution could finally be relished, at least by Jenny Cide, Ashton Fullman, Scarlett VanProben, Roxanne Fehlerhaft, and none other than Theme Song. The rest is silence.


#56

5/10. I would’ve given you a higher rating, as this is pretty good, but there are a few things that should be fixed.

After you wrote this:

I think it should’ve been indented? Like, you know, made into a separate paragraph. Sort of like this:

It’s a lot more easier to read, in my opinion.

Here’s the last paragraph I wrote:

Every four minutes, the librarian dies.

Not in reality, of course. With his legs cocked against the table, leaning back into his chair, the librarian took a sip of his tea and sighed in delight. In a sense, he was alive and not. But, in Wanda’s subconscious, she thought of a thousand ways of killing him, all slow and satisfying. Clearing his throat, which snapped her back into reality, the librarian took his legs off the table and leaned forward, placing his cup near the edge.

“It’s been awhile since she sent someone to me,” he whispered. “To be honest, I thought I’d get someone more knowledgeable in Tanzan History, instead of someone who believes in,” he shuddered with disgust, " conspiracies. You’ll do, though. Raise your hand, pawn."

Wanda frowned. “Excuse me?”


#57

Whoooooaaaa i don’t know what’s going on but i like it. 10/10. i like the descriptive language—it was short and to the point and you had the right amount of descriptive language, which is super important to me because i have an extremely short attention span. the characters’ movements feel realistic and you show just enough to make the excerpt interesting.

i just have a couple suggestions: first, remove the comma after “but.” coordinating conjunctions only need commas before their position in the sentence, not afterward. i’d also find a way to avoid using “librarian” so many times in the first paragraph, which . . . Godspeed, my friend. but yeah 10/10 would recommend.


here’s mine:

Wilder picked up the newspaper from his desk and set it down facing the engineers. Adams had a headline. Not just a headline—he was front page news. “‘Harold Adams to Test Fuel-Injected 600 Horsepower Engine Next Week.’ How many horsepower does ours have, Daisy?”

“Five hundred eighty, sir.”

Wilder closed his eyes, breathed deeply, then opened them again. “I don’t need to tell how how suspicious that sounds.”

Frowning, Cecil picked up the paper and examined the image of Adams and his airplane, readjusting his glasses three times in the process. “That airframe is a carbon copy of ours.”

“Look at the empennage.”

The engineer’s frown deepened. “That looks like a stabilator.”

“It is a stabilator. Which means it isn’t a carbon copy, and we can’t sue Adams for all he’s worth.” As it often did when something weighed heavily on his mind, Wilder’s jaw had locked up so tight it was amazing he could still speak. Withdrawing a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket, Wilder somehow managed to wedge one of them between his perfect teeth. “I need a light. Somebody give me a light.”


#58

9/10, really good writing her without much actually taking place in the scene. There’s a certain flow to your writing that reminds me of Arthur Conan Doyle, probably related to the subject.

The names seem fitting to the overall idea of the plot I can take from this excerpt. I also like that you mostly avoid unnecessary words in your descriptions, making everything clear and efficient. Overall this was solid writing.


I understood the gesture. Avoiding attachment. Common enough. You see, for the mentally and emotionally afflicted, there is a deadly game associated with relationships. The unwinnable war of love vs. safety. I’m sure I spoke on it earlier. Anyone that has played knows there is no winner. You either open your gates and potentially experience the emotional Rape of Nanking, or you close them and slowly die from the plague. Isabel was confident she could fight off the illness. Admirable in her ignorance.


#59

8/10. I like the insight that is given into the character. It is very clear that this is a character which has experienced something traumatic, which engages the curiosity of the reader. The reader’s attention also gets drawn in because the fact that they know that something is going to cause her to fail in her goal. My one issue with it is in the way it is worded. I’m not completely sure what feels off with it, but the wording feels a little bit off, and a little hard to get through. I would recommend reading it out loud to see if there’s anything you need to smooth out.

This was the impression Mia generally had on people. She was pleasant, and people loved to be around her, and she was regarded as nice to look at, but there was something about her that wasn’t quite complete. This was no fault of Mia’s of course, but there were those in her life that could’t help but resent her of it, just a bit.


#60

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed like a toddler. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#61

7/10 It’s pretty clearly written, some pretty strong nauseating images, but I could already imagine her acting like a four year old without you adding in the “like a toddler”.


He opened his mouth to gasp. Then her lips met his and instead of pain or fear, a wave of energy washed over him. Warmth coursed over his body, and he closed his eyes into it. Eris pulled away, and Ely slowly cracked his eyes open. He looked up at her, smiling gently as his eyes now pulsed the same deep red glow.


#62

I give it a 7/10 simply because it seems choppy…like it doesn’t really flow. Otherwise its great.

From: Sensory
School was by far the worst part of Aokigahara's day. It was filled with loud noises and pompous jerks who thought they knew what he went through on a daily basis. With the loud noises, bright lights, and crowded rooms, school was truly Hell for the autistic teenager. He huffs, hands shoved in his pocket. He was waiting for his boyfriend and honestly? Krystain was late. He was starting to fidget. He couldn't stand when Krystain was late. What if Krystain had crashed his car and died a most horrible painful death? He didn't know if he had but it was still a possibility and it scared him. He was scared...and mildly upset.


#63

8/10 Nicely descriptive. But when I read the 3rd sentence repeating “loud noises”, it sounds odd, I would suggest emphisizing it like, “very” or ommiting “with the” (to somehow build the anxiety that Aokigahara is feeling.) and CAPITALIZING “Hell” to “HELL”

The last semi-edited paragragh from TAOZAL
“They understand.” Mr. Grayman told Zack as Molly left the room with Ruperch, then sat down at the table, smiled and explained, “Molly understands. They know all the new news first. And there are many reasons why someone would live in a park around here.”