Last Paragraph You've Written


#64

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#65

9/10
Very fun. I like it. I would remove the period after vomit and use a comma instead though.

This isn’t technically the last paragraph that I wrote, but the one after that is just a line of dialogue, so I’m not sure how interesting that would have been to read.

“But we had never been all that close before, mostly because I was too busy being angsty and annoyed to give her the time of day. I’d like to think that she wasn’t completely faultless in the whole situation, she was annoying as hell and was prone to using her fists to hammer in her points. Still, I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I couldn’t help but feel that she needed me in a way that I couldn’t understand. Someone to talk to about all the stuff going down. But how to start, where to start…”


#66

“Faultless” is a weird word in my opinion (I honestly didn’t know that was a thing, lol) but “at fault” might flow better with the rest of this paragraph! After “situation” there should be a semi-colon instead of a comma. Besides these slight adjustments, I love how in-depth this character’s thoughts are! They are clearly worried about this girl. I think you’ve got yourself a reader, friend :slight_smile: 9/10!!

// from chapter five of “Recovering Jewels” \\

Rocking in her desk chair, Juliette watched in horror as her Converse attempted to dry themselves on top of the air conditioner, their bright pink color slightly faded thanks to the nasty chlorine of the pool water. While she couldn’t keep her mind off of the fate of her favorite shoes, her eyes wouldn’t stop glancing from the shoes to the damp, navy cloth that was still tightly wrapped around her wrist. It still hadn’t hit her that after all these years, she would find Leo at the place where she would find herself. It seemed like perfect timing.

Maybe a little too perfect.


#67

This is a rare situation on here where I’ve seen deep descriptions of mundane things be done well. You paint a vivid picture without anything feeling forced or unnecessary. The reading flows naturally and you avoid generic metaphors or anything else in that area. 9/10, I really need to check your stuff out more.


From: THIS IS NOT FOR YOU

The usual brooding business wouldn’t work on her. Far too headstrong. Could smell bullshit from across the street, I guessed. I needed a more direct approach. Fancy a trip back to me gaf so ye can piss in me mouth? Maybe not that aggressive, but you get the idea. The thought had to cross her mind that I didn’t care if I ever saw her again.


#68

Wow, thank you so much!! I appreciate your very kind words :slight_smile:


#69

Oh, that sounds really aggressive… Can’t imagine a Situation where someone could have that thought…


I’m German, so this is a Translation of my new Story… never wrote such things in English before :blush:

From: Remember us

Chris’ Hand went back to her shoulder, drew circles on her Skin that got goose-pimples. Suddenly he stroke her hair and softly pulled it back to see into her eyes. Their lips were just a few centimeters apart from each other. Then he kissed her. Hesitantly she replied his kiss. He intensified the pressure of his lips and finally she came closer


#70

Hallo! Ich hoffe es okay ist, wenn ich auf Deutsch antworte. Ich brauche Übung. :joy:

Zuerst, ist der Paragraph sehr gut! Die Sprache ist klar und poetisch. Jedoch hat er einige Probleme. Z.b. sagen wir auf Englisch „goose-bumps” stattdessen „goose-pimples.” Auf Englisch, schreibt man auch Substantiv groß nicht.

Mein letztes Problem:

Normalerweise sagen wir nicht “replied.” Stattdessen sagen wir wahrscheinlich “returned.” “Replied” bezieht sich auf das Sprechen.

Er ist ein guter Paragraph! Dies sind nur Vorschläge! 8/10

——

Here’s mine:

“Louis.” Rainier took the frontiersman by the shoulders, icy eyes fixed outside. “Louis. You’re sleeping on my shotgun.”

The old man muttered something in French and swatted at Rainier, but half asleep, he was nowhere close to landing a blow. “Louis.” Rainier prodded his companion repeatedly in the ribs. “Louis, wake up.”

“What the hell do you need, kid?” Louis rolled over in his furs, wide awake and more than ready to strike his companion, but something a little more threatening had Rainier’s attention—something with jaws that could probably snap the shotgun in half.


#71

It reminds me of Louis Lamour and I wanna read it now. I quite like the fronteirsmen based novels and I’d say 10/10 for subject matter, 8/10 for structure(Its more dialouge than it is Para), and 9/10 for punctiation. I caught no errors but I’m a little blind.

Here’s mine. Its from my unpublished story ‘Dystopian’

Aokiagahara walked through the cobblestone streets, hair soaked from the rain that fell in droves upon the dreary streets of Washington D.C. Rain in 4045 was a vibrant green that had to be toxic, but no one seemed to be effected. The city had been destroyed in the nuclear attack of 4020, the marble greceoroman buildings being replaced by sleek metallic buildings that resembled their former marbel parents. Skyscrapers were taller than before…and no…cars did not fly. In fact, with the scarce fuel cars pratically non existant while other options were being searched for. You had to be very rich or royalty to own a car. Aoki stopped in front of the gates that locked Marrie Moi academy from the rest of the city. The gates that sealed his fate. The gates to hell…okay maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe…just maybe they might just pair him with a girl worth marrying.


#72

8/10 - A solid 10 for creativity and imagery that makes me want to know more (which honesly means more to me than the other stuff). 7 for some grammar stuff, passive verbs (had been), maybe a few too many ellipses. Focus more on the imagery than the changes to what the reader already knows. Describing the rain in Washington DC in 4045 as green catches the audience’s attention and ending the paragraph with a twist like finding out he’s there for some sort of arranged marriage is a definite hook. A promising paragraph!

This is from chapter 51 of my current WIP, From Ashes.

Sadie took the few steps to Maddie and, in a swift arc, backhanded Maddie across the room. The massive hands were gripped her forearms as the other vampires in the circle whispered in excitement to each other like Sadie was the opening act before the main event. Maddie was on the ground, crumpled and fetal and curling in tighter for a moment in what might’ve been a genuine shudder of pain. Maybe something was broken, bleeding internally. It was a modicum of satisfaction but not enough; it was empty, lacking catharsis or a proper ending. Maddie saw to that, in the end. She gave up without an ounce of fight and Sadie couldn’t remember the last time she hated one person so much.


#73

9/10
This was good, I definitely could feel Maddie’s pain, and it’s not even from her point of view! Though I would research body reactions to that sort of pain, just to make it known that that’s actually what happened. Judging by the fact that this was only one paragraph, that could explain why I’m not really connected to these characters (yet). But when you said Maddie gave in without a fight, and that Sadie hated her for just that…that hit me. It was so bittersweet, and hatred is a powerful feeling to bring up in a person.

Excerpt from the ending of my chapter:

“Go home.”
She stood there with her tired wolf just a tails length behind. His voice was calm, almost fatherly, and she curled her toes cool with sweat. The eyes ran over her body, some snickers and awkward tugs on the collars of the mens shirts. Go home Was she nothing but a girl? Her eyes began to sting, and she clenched her fists, pressing her stubby nails into her palm, hating herself for breaking down like woman did sometimes. With a sigh, she mounted her Krater, and they ran off before the first tear broke.
She blamed the cold.


#74

Danke für deine Rückmeldung! Meine Storys sind auch alle auf Deutsch, aber hier in der Community schreiben alle auf Englisch oder gibt es da auch Seiten auf Deutsch?


#75

Kein Problem! Leider, gibt es keine Community für Deutsche Autoren, aber Sie könnten vielleicht eine Community starten, wie einen weiteren Thread für Feedback.


#76

7/10
All the bases are there, I just think this is doing more telling when showing would really do a better job. There’s a good lean in that direction with “Was she nothing but a girl?” I think some more introspection would be good, as well as describing her actions with more emotion.
Also, her sighing makes it feel more like she’s annoyed than upset. I’m not exactly sure what a better word would be, but I feel like there probably is one.
I like the characterization here though! She obviously wants to impress these people, and is dealing with internalized misogyny. I’m curious about the world!


Saoirse ignored her, instead stepping awkwardly to try and turn around to face away from their campsite. Kai Fen watched Saoirse’s awkward dance with the rocks with raised eyebrows. He tensed the few times it looked like he was about to lose his footing, but Heila just mumbled something about stupid boys and flattened out a blanket with more force than was positively necessary.

“Hey!” Saoirse called out once his back was successfully to them. “There’s two carts headed towards us!”

Kai Fen’s good mood dropped faster than Saoirse sat and slid down the rubble.


#77

8/10 I think it is clear that something is about to happen but the names kind of confused me. I originally thought this was about a bunch of girls but then you said his so I knew that one of them is a boy or maybe both? Its a tad confusing and Its hard to understand exactly where they are. Are they on a cliff? Are they near a parking lot hence the carts? Other than that it was clear that you were going for the suspense.

“People don’t talk about her because Quintessa forced everyone to forget about her. She even threatened anyone who dared to mention her name. As the years went by people didn’t even know she existed. But Agnus, your grandmother, knew who her mother was. Agnus developed her mother powers but hid it from her cursed family, and when the travelers came around and started wiping them out, she thought her best bet was to pretend to be human like everyone else. So she never dabbled in her powers and let it go to waste. But your daughter and your son both have that power, and it is wise to not ignore it. The power that they possessive from being born part wolf, part vampire, and part witch are rare. And it needs to be protected at all cost.”


#78

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#79

8/10 That’s funny as hell (and a little bit gross, given the fact I’m a visual thinker)! I feel like there are a few periods that you might wat to change into comma’s, but other than that, I’d be intrigued enough to read on.

Here’s mine:

“No problem, see you later, we’ll dance together!” I shout back, barely able to form a cohesive sentence, as Axl touches me in ways that make me writhe in pleasure. Biting my lip, I turn my attention back to him. “Actually,” I say, eyeing his perfect body up and down, “we might just be here for a while…”


#80

8/10. The syntax is good and it flows nicely. Maybe consider swapping ‘say’ for something else like ‘muse’ or ‘add’. Or, just describe the voice, because I’m imagining a tone shift - like she’s saying it in a low voice, or a seductive voice. Overall, I like it :slight_smile:

  • (Bat Club)

“Hello,” Cobie said, unable to conceal a smile as he approached her. “You aren’t waiting for anyone, are you?”

“I was,” she sighed dramatically, folding her arms, the pale pink purse clasped in one hand. “But he didn’t show. So I could probably leave with you instead.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Cobie shrugged, extending a hooked elbow for the arm-link that was becoming so brilliantly familiar. Smiling, she took it, and together they walked along the cobbled road, the twilight sky shedding a sweetness over their heads. June didn’t actually know where they were going, but she didn’t press Cobie for details. It wasn’t like he had a fantastical plan that would grandly kick off their pretend-love scheme, but she seemed to like the secrecy of it all.


#81

8/10 Cobie seems like an interesting person. I get the feeling that Cobie seems interested in June. There’s a lot of mystery that’s left in this last paragraph as I’m wondering why June was waiting for someone which I’m sure was explained at the beginning. It was well written.

The Element of Life

“Janelle, are you OK? It seems like Freshman year is getting to you” I asked before we entered the school building.

Her mouth sighed. “I’m not sure. I found out on Monday, that my parents are actually divorcing for real. They’ve been together for so long, I just… I just don’t know.” She began weeping in my arms. “I don’t want to live with my dad. I hate him so much.”

She was in my comfort the next couples minutes until the bell rung. After telling her she would be OK, she took a deep breath and walked with me until I found Regina to complain about the math homework. From a distance, I noticed she bumped into the new guy Elliot. In her eyes I could tell she had forgotten about her parents divorcing. I just hoped they’d be at the Freshman Party later that night.


#82

9/10 The story seems interesting and has great imagery attached to it. I can picture everything happening before my eyes. I think you should focus more on Janelle’s parents divorcing and how it is affecting her than leaving those details out and just saying that your character comforted Janelle for the next couple of minutes.

Sympathy for the Devil:

“One car, it will be here in fifteen minutes. See you around, Rowan. Keep this one out of trouble.” She is too nice for me having just said what I had said to her. Or maybe she will stab me in my back while I’m not alert. I’m keeping my bedroom door locked and then padlocked tonight as well as my windows which are already barred.

“That woman gives me the heeby jeebies.” I felt cold walk across my spine as I took a seat in the airport lobby."

“You should see how Claudia’s husband is. He is already in a maddened state, ready to die. When he does, we’ll come.”


#83

9/10, this is already super interesting, even though I don’t know much about it. The only thing is that I feel like the description in the first paragraph doesn’t really flow as well as the rest of the excerpt.

Runaways

The man pinches the bridge of his nose as if he should have known about it, and replies, “Of course, you would know that. You’re just another brat who’s never been disciplined right. No wonder your father’s in prison.”

Aurora freezes in place, shoulders hunched and fists clenched. She grits her teeth and says between them, “Don’t say that about my dad.”

The fury in her grows bigger and bigger, as anger seeps inside of her head and clouds her judgment. Aurora thinks of all the things she can do, like punching this imbecile in the face.