Last Paragraph You've Written


#84

9/10 I loved the last sentence in the first paragraph. That’s pretty bold for someone to say. I feel like I got a good sense of who Aurora is or could be. And punching someone in the face seems like a realistic thing she would do.

The Element of Life

George soon walked by from a far distance and gave Regina and awkward smile. She did the same. I began to wonder if something actually happened between them at prom. Of course, Regina would never admit to something like that in public. It would have to be private away from the lurkers waiting for a good gossip. The rest of the day was going to suck. I’d have to face Elliot and Janelle and desperately didn’t want to do that. Luckily Regina was by my side and would defend me at any means necessary like the friend that she was. It certainly was nice to have a couple of friends by your side that would never backstab you. Regina held my hand as tightly as possible on the way to first period as we had the same class together.

“You do the homework?” I asked.

“Hell no. Especially not during prom weekend.”

We both snickered.

“Someday we need to actually do our homework or were not going to make it in college. If I were smarter, I would know how to date properly.”

“Eh, I doubt that.”

Naturally we never did our homework and just find someone who did. Half our class did that. People are willing to help you cheat in an Algebra Class. It is what it is. You certainly can’t change that.


#85

8/10
That last sentence makes it seem like there was a time skip. I’m not sure if that’s what you intended or not.

Nerves of Steel:
“It’s not my fault I fell down some stairs and couldn’t feel the pain to realize something was wrong.” “Then don’t walk down stairs.” “I need to walk down stairs to get into my school.” “Avoid the tall ones.” “You refuse to drop me off in the right place to do that.” “Not anymore, thanks to you. Get in the car.” We drove in uneasy silence. “Seriously Adara, how stupid are you?”


#86

7/10 I’m gonna hope and assume that this dialogue is all on it’s own line and have line breaks between it in the actual story. Personally, the beginning was a bit interesting, and the dialogue sounds like two people genuinely talking, but the formatting is hurting my brain. :sweat_smile:

Insomnia

Nia watched the windows as they pulled around the corner and towards the last line of defense. She sucked in a deep breath, wondering what it would feel like if they succeeded. She didn’t care much for fame, but would they become famous for this? Would they go down in history the soldiers who finally freed the world from the bloody reign of Communism?

She didn’t know.

I’d really like to know if you think this is a good ending paragraph for a prologue or if there needs to be something shocking, interesting, page turning, etc.


#87

I’d give this 9/10, because I like it ends, but I would add something extra, specially if you want it to be a page turner. Something to contradict her lack of knowlege. For example, She didn’t know, but she was going to fight until death… Ok, so I’m over dramatic right now, ha haha, but you get my point? Add a flavor to let us know that her lack of knowledge or certainty was not going to stop her from doing what was she has to do. And there you have the image of a badass soldier right there. Don’t know if I make sense, hope I do!

Book: Loving Ivy’s Colorful Mind, Chapter 4

Little did I realized then that among the smudges of black and blue that passed by me following after the principle; among formless shadows there was one of gold and white hidden among them… He’d been the one to intervene first. He’d been the one to keep my brother back from digging his own grave any deeper. He’d been the one to help my bruised brother to the principal’s office, speaking things that only my brother could hear.
But of course, I didn’t see him, I only saw my brother being dragged away. I only saw the vengeful scowl on Johnny’s face. I only saw Gabriel’s guilty and worried look.
I never saw him.
But he had seen me.


#88

I’d give this a 7/10, but that is only because of the grammar mistakes, which made it a bit difficult to read. Other than that, I really liked the story that you told, a lot of suspense and mystery here.

Six Feet Under
We’ve never been too different. We were similar, too similar. We both pretended to be fearless. We both pretended to be invincible. We both pretended that the holes inside of us could be filled by some external factor, mine being time and hers being this.

We were both idiots, to put it simply. Two scared, fragile idiots who pretended to be anything but who we were. And even though I never stopped pretending to her and she never stopped pretending to me, we both knew that we shared this in common as well. And who was I to break that bond, that sanctum of idiocy?

She needed stupid, and maybe I did as well. And when this blew up in our faces, we’d learn from it and move on.


#89

thank you so much for that, I’ve gone back and tried to fix all of them!


#90

8/10 I’m intrigued as to why these two people need each other. There seems to be a lot of interesting mystery here.

The Element of Life

The bell rung at that moment. Our teacher Mr. Morris walked in looking tired and old as usual with his briefcase that looked ancient.

“OK class settle down. It’s Monday. We have a lot to get to today.” He quickly found himself at his desk with his large coffee from Starbucks. “But first I need to collect your homework from the weekend. And I’m sure you’ll have great scores on your homework per usual. And speaking of great scores, eighty percent of you did poorly on Friday’s Test. I don’t know what’s going on with this class. Maybe you’re all tired, but frankly you need to wake up. The real world wakes up early.”

Ned started leaning in his seat looking a little nervous. Hopefully he wouldn’t croak. And thankfully our homework was passed in within the minute without him croaking.

“Great, now let’s get started with today’s lesson. As always, if anyone has any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Seriously don’t hesitate. I can already smell the upcoming test scores and they don’t smell good.”

“Ned needs to step up his game” whispered Regina.

“Do you you have a question Mr. Killian?” asked our teacher who noticed a raised hand.

I looked at Regina as she handed me a note.

“Yeah, I was wondering if there would be a way to find tutoring.”

His question was ignored as the lesson immediately began. Without paying much attention, I opened Regina’s Note.


#91

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#92

9/10 Love it! The metaphor at the end had me really disgusted (emetophobia is greeting) and that’s good! It brought across just how little your character wants to go to school. And I feel like I somewhat have an idea about your characters from just that little part. Very nice!

Here’s mine:

“𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬.” 𝘐𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘵. 𝘐 𝘣𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘱 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘧𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘴. 𝘐 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘐 𝘮𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘥 “𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵… 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸… 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵.”
𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘐 𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘥. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦, 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦.
“𝘐𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥?” 𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘵. 𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘦𝘥. 𝘏𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦-𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨-𝘭𝘶𝘫𝘢𝘩! 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘢 𝘮𝘶𝘵𝘦.
“𝘏𝘶𝘩?” 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯. “𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸… 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵.” 𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘦 𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘴. 𝘒𝘢𝘺𝘦 𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦, 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥. 𝘚𝘰𝘧𝘵 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘤 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘐 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘯.

I̶t̶’s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶"b̶a̶d̶ ̶b̶o̶y̶" ̶s̶t̶o̶r̶y̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶m̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶, ̶i̶ ̶s̶w̶e̶a̶r̶!


#93

9/10
I really enjoy it. I like that your protagonist isn’t a pushover (as we have too many of those) and I like that this isn’t a bad boy story (it didn’t seem like one to me) I like the dynamic between your protagonist and this Kaye guy. I would recommend editing the last sentence as it sounds like a little bit of an awkward shift in tone, but it isn’t too noticeable and doesn’t detract from the rest of the passage.

Six Feet Under

“It just sort of sucks, you know? That I’ll always like you more than you like me.”

“That isn’t true. I do like you.”

“Not in that way Reese. Not in the way that counts.”

“Why is romantic love the only love that counts? I love you, Victor.”

“Reese-”

“I do. And I may not want to kiss you or go off and get married, but that’s not the only thing love is good for, is it? That’s not the only thing I’m good for.”

He kept breathing in silence. “I just don’t know if I can still…if I can be around you without feeling certain things.”

“I’m not asking you for that. You’re just about the only good thing to come out of all of this. Lately, you’re the only one that seems to get me. And yes, you’re a coward and yes, you’re a tool and yes, you just kissed me knowing who I am but I’m not going to let you disappear on me because I can’t give you what you want. That’s selfish.”

He laughs a bit.

I frown. “What?”

“I just got my heart broken, and you’re being a bit of a dick to me.”

“I never claimed to be nice.”


#94

I think the premise is actually really nice, platonic versus romantic love. The dialogue is amazing, and I love the ending. Sounds just like something two people who know each other too well would say in a conversation. 10/10

Bullets filled the air, smoke burned her lungs, orders, screams, explosions rang in her ears. Her heartbeat like a drum, raging inside her head. Barking in the distance. The enemy surrounded them, men and women screamed and ran.

Two steps. One step.

Searing Pain.


#95

7/10

I like it, it’s fast paced though I think you could go further into detail about the chaos of war to further put the reader in the scene. Describe a minor detail that only someone who was actually there would be able to remember and not something that is just often associated with war and it will feel less generic.

For a fleeting moment, there would be a flicker of beauty on the surface, but with a closer look the grotty, cramped and poverty-stricken under layer of Atropos would become apparent. Concrete giants loomed over the police cruiser; haphazardly scrambled together once the first few countries of Earth fell to waste having been scorched by heat waves, drought, famine and forest fires. There was little to remind its dwellers of the beautiful greens that had once thrived across the planet other than the manmade forests sprawled over rooftops and their own memories. Doug Evans wondered whether humanity would ever witness natural beauty ever again. In a time where interstellar travel would soon be possible, even the stars had begun to lose their glow. The next generation would be born amongst the red dust of Mars – a waste of a planet incapable of natural life.


#96

Do you think adding details would help embellish that it’s a dream then?


#97

Yeah because it’s a personal experience so you don’t want it to feel like every war scene ever. A good example is the D Day scene in Saving Private Ryan which I always refer to when writing a war piece. Like focusing on a guy praying as they reach the beach.


#98

Or remember an event you have recently attended and little details from that like I would say I was in a lecture today and mention the classic table, chairs and lecturer droning on but also mention that looked across the classroom to see someone had snuck in a McDonalds and was quietly trying to eat it.


#99

I’ve never seen Saving Private Ryan I’m afraid. I’ll consider maybe throwing in a few more details. My original thought was to keep the ending vague because the character is in a daze (there are more details earlier in the scene, this is just the last snippet) and she can’t see or hear much beyond what is described, but I’ll look at it and see what could be embellished.


#100

8/10 Me likes it. The imagery is quite well written, but its so much description. I feel like this whole paragraph could be spread out into a whole chapter on to itself, instead telling the audience about the setting you should show us. Every moment in your story you should be doing exactly wha you just did in your paragraph, except show us through every day actions etc. I feel like that would lengthen things up of you need more words to add to your word count, and if not then you don’t lose anything since the paragraph is still quite a lovely piece of writing :slight_smile:

My story: “Transport?” I whisper in realization. I watch as Rapest and the demon exchange coin. Sold. . . Sold!

“You monster! I hope even the GODs don’t save you from Mauricia’s wrath!” I yell with venom.

“Don’t worry Xuxa, her wrath will Never reach me.”

I sat there in silence, the weight of my chains breaking my skin. The demon crouched before my cage and whispered.

“Your beloved queen will be executed tomorrow morning for adultery.”

“Bastard!” The tugging of my chains began to pull at my skin as I slammed into my cage door. My rage unyielding, yet it was not enough. My soul mourned as the betrayal sank in. I sank to the cage floor. My chains would not break, and this cage door would not be broken down. I’m trapped.

“You dare betray her!” I whimpered, “I could care less if I felt the wrath of GOD upon my soul, but you betrayed her!” I begin to weep, my rage giving way to despair.

I am powerless.


#101

7/10 it’s very well written with a few grammar mistakes and I am very interested to know what happens next.

" We should be somewhere else, soaking up the sun." I pouted, as Corbin removed the keys from the ignition, bottom lip out and arms crossed. If I had a choice between attending school and diving into a swimming pool of cold vomit. I’d tie my hair back, get in a bathing suit and dive right in amongst the chunky bits.


#102

9/10
Very fun. I like it. I would remove the period after vomit and use a comma instead though.

Six Feet Under
“Okay?” Luc says.

There is an awkward silence here, the crinkle of white noise audible in this lapse of our conversation. You could hear it, the secret, the strain that it put on the conversation. We hadn’t kept secrets before. Even surprise birthday parties had been spoiled. We had this way of pulling words out of each other, talking till our throats went raw. But now…

Silence.


#103

9/10, I loved how you captured the strain between the two characters, how they were good friends and how now they’re sort of not? Though I would change the second sentence to be more urgent.


“What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her eyebrows were raised as she leaned forward in her seat. I couldn’t tell her it was Tyler. I knew how she would take it. She would protest against it and I would…

What would I do?

Her dark brown eyes were brimming with curiosity. I could feel them on me as I fidgeted with my cup.

“It came through this morning. I was in a rush to get the paperwork done, it must’ve slipped my mind.” I hoped the lie was enough to satisfy her.

“That’s great! When is she moving in? I’ll come visit and we can get to know each other.”

“Um, it’s a guy. And…

Summary

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