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#125

your dialogue flows really naturally! i could see—well, hear—a conversation like this happening in real life. the characters also seem to have chemistry, and i think it’s cool you managed to convey that in just a few lines of dialogue. :sunglasses:

i’m not sure which tense your excerpt is intended to be in, though. e.g. you say “whispered to Roza” in the first line and “She whispers back” in the next. the tense has to be consistent.

but yeah overall good dialogue. it’s witty and shows the characters’ relationship with each other well. 9/10


Taking a last look at the clear blue sky, Foster sat down in the backseat beside a gentleman whose knees almost met the seat in front of him. He was extraordinarily tall, with dark, brooding eyes—exactly the kind of person Foster expected to find in the backseat of a mysterious car. “Hi,” he said, extending a hand. “I’m Foster.”

Beginning at Foster’s unruly strawberry curls, the stranger sized him up. He was underdressed. Both the driver and passenger wore suits and ties, making him uncomfortably cognizant of the fact that the buttons on his Hawaiian shirt weren’t all lined up. Probably deciding Foster wasn’t a threat, the stranger finally shook his hand. “Ross,” he said, but that was all he said.

“So, uh—“ Foster pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose. “—where are we going?”

For no more than a second or two, Ross’s dark eyes settled on Foster, then returned to the passing landscape. “A crash site.”

“A crash site,” Foster repeated, nodding slowly. “What crash site?”

“It’s an experimental airplane.”

“Well, was an experimental airplane,” Foster said under his breath. He smiled a little, but Ross did not. After that he couldn’t bring himself to look at the stranger again.


#126

Thank you so much for your honest opinion. I was also confused by @Writerthoughtss and I feel very insulted by that person’s actions. It was a vague response and obviously fake. Thank you so much once again @YoItsYeau. I do agree with your opinion. I’m glad you liked it and I have also been looking for a way to change that hunger. I’m not supposed to judge yours but whoever types after this should ignore this and check the reply above mine. I have to cause you’re quite kind. I love the conversation you posted. It flows very naturally and is a great example of how to use dialogue to maintain the pace of a story. I also love the way you handled the topic within so nonchalantly. I’m guessing there’s a hint of lesbianism in there and you laid it out perfectly. That’s how to do it instead of screaming it atop a hill. The only discrepancies I noted were in the first line where you used ‘whispered at Roza’ and the part where there should be a comma before Gwyn. Aside from that, it’s great.


#127

8/10 A little wordy at times, but I enjoyed it and I’m curious to know what happens next! I dropped a few notes below with quotes :slight_smile:

Gonna admit, the ending of this confused me a bit. I read it over twice before I understood that it wasn’t the gentleman speaking versus Foster.

I feel like the “but that was all he said.” is not really necessary. By adding no more dialogue you’ve shown us that he doesn’t say anything more. The tag feels more like telling rather than showing.

XD I shouldn’t laugh…but I did…


Insomnia

Nia nodded. She pushed Creed over gently and he yipped, jumping down before jumping back up to settle back down. She sat up and stretched her arms in front of her, then regretted sitting up too fast and touched her throbbing forehead.

“Hungover?” Casey asked quietly as he moved over and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

Nia nodded and settled back again. She closed her eyes, waiting for the pain to ease up.

“Here, I’ll get you more water. Anything you want for breakfast?”

“Toast?” she asked softly, realizing she had no idea what Casey’s cooking skills were like. She mentally shrugged. He had grandkids, surely he could cook toast.

“Alright,” he answered from the kitchen.

Nia listened passively to the noise in the kitchen, rubbing against her temples.

Next time something happens, let’s not get drunk, she told herself.


#128

thank you you wonderful person :pray::pray: you’re right about all of that


#129

Of course, glad I could help :slight_smile:


#130

7/10

La razón de esto fue porque al principio no comprendí muy bien la escena.

NO HAY NUBE PERFECTA

Por favor - supliqué…

-Dime ¿Que beneficios obtenemos de ti?

Esa fue la pregunta que me removió todo, no lo quería decir porque eso significaba revelar mi verdadera identidad.

Contesta idiota ¡Vamos!

Sabía que si no contestaba me matarían, así que me arme de valor y dije el único secreto, que sabría sería útil.

Se de buena fuente que el heredero del mayor esta vivo.

Eso bastó para que me dejaran de golpear. Y todos me miraban esperando a continuar la historia.


#131

Um…??? Translation?


#132

Puedes ser un poco mas especifica por favor.

Porque no estoy segura si te refieres al comentario que hice sobre tu párrafo.


#133

Um. Hm. I fear I cannot understand what you’re saying. I cannot understand the rating you gave me because it’s not written in English and I fear I haven’t learned enough Spanish (which is what the language appears to be) to read the rating. I’d you can, an English translation of your rating please?

I don’t mean any offense, I simply can only read English and Latin.


#134

The reason for this was because the beginning did not understand the scene.


#135

Oh, the beginning was unclear to you. I understand that. I probably should’ve backed up and included a bit before to show that she was sitting in the couch, waking up.


#136

I also threw it into google translate (which I’m sure isn’t the best, but it’s what I have) and it looks like a lot of little pronouns and words may have gotten mixed up which may have lent some confusion.


#137

Sorry for the confusion. I hope I have not caused you any inconvenience. By the way, I also introjude it in the google translator


#138

It’s alright, I think the google translate may be the cause of the confusion, but thank you for rating it!


#139

Por suerte soy un hispanohablante, pero te voy a ratear (Asi se dice??) en Ingles por motivos obvios

(Cosa divertida, empece a escribir y lo hice en español y me di cuenta despues de aquello xd)
8/10 WOW This gave me so much questions. Is very well written, and makes me want to read the whole book to get what is going on. Good job! Next time use english though, most people here don’t speak spanish. Also, you forgot the dialogue lines (—) in “Answer, idiot!” and in the secret being revealed :slight_smile:

Authority, Order, Peace

“Why did you do it, why did you betray everything you swear to protect?” said Rafael, with anger

“Are you blind or do you pretend to be?” answered Marla, “I did what I had to do. I don’t know if you didn’t notice, but there is no longer ‘Chile’. The constitution at this point is not valid. And trying to resist them would be… Stupid, to say the least”

“So, you decided to join them? To collaborate?”

“Well, yes, I was given two choices, just like you. Collaborate or die. Honestly, trying to resist would be pointless. Just think about what happened that day… In just the first minutes every government of the world collapsed. In 6 hours every defense system of this country was wiped out. In 18 hours the Chinese, the Russian and the American military fell. 20 hours in all the American Continent was under the Authority’s control, as well as half of Europe, Africa and most of Asia. 30 hours in, and the entire world except a few countries in the Middle East were already under their control. 48 hours in, and the few survivors from Old World governments taking refuge in the European Parliament and the UN presented an official surrender letter, before being destroyed. How the fuck did you expect me to not collaborate? Resistance is truly stupid. To try to resist this situation is like trying kill a dragon with a stick. You like to pretend like you are the moral person here, but there is no good or evil, there is survival. And you are walking directly towards dead”

Rafael stared for a few minutes, not exactly knowing what to answer

Marla decided to talk

“It was nice to catch up after all this years. May you know that I won’t report seeing you. But if we ever meet again, do not expect the same. The drink’s on me”

Rafael stood up and walked away from the bar