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#125

your dialogue flows really naturally! i could see—well, hear—a conversation like this happening in real life. the characters also seem to have chemistry, and i think it’s cool you managed to convey that in just a few lines of dialogue. :sunglasses:

i’m not sure which tense your excerpt is intended to be in, though. e.g. you say “whispered to Roza” in the first line and “She whispers back” in the next. the tense has to be consistent.

but yeah overall good dialogue. it’s witty and shows the characters’ relationship with each other well. 9/10


Taking a last look at the clear blue sky, Foster sat down in the backseat beside a gentleman whose knees almost met the seat in front of him. He was extraordinarily tall, with dark, brooding eyes—exactly the kind of person Foster expected to find in the backseat of a mysterious car. “Hi,” he said, extending a hand. “I’m Foster.”

Beginning at Foster’s unruly strawberry curls, the stranger sized him up. He was underdressed. Both the driver and passenger wore suits and ties, making him uncomfortably cognizant of the fact that the buttons on his Hawaiian shirt weren’t all lined up. Probably deciding Foster wasn’t a threat, the stranger finally shook his hand. “Ross,” he said, but that was all he said.

“So, uh—“ Foster pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose. “—where are we going?”

For no more than a second or two, Ross’s dark eyes settled on Foster, then returned to the passing landscape. “A crash site.”

“A crash site,” Foster repeated, nodding slowly. “What crash site?”

“It’s an experimental airplane.”

“Well, was an experimental airplane,” Foster said under his breath. He smiled a little, but Ross did not. After that he couldn’t bring himself to look at the stranger again.


#126

Thank you so much for your honest opinion. I was also confused by @Writerthoughtss and I feel very insulted by that person’s actions. It was a vague response and obviously fake. Thank you so much once again @YoItsYeau. I do agree with your opinion. I’m glad you liked it and I have also been looking for a way to change that hunger. I’m not supposed to judge yours but whoever types after this should ignore this and check the reply above mine. I have to cause you’re quite kind. I love the conversation you posted. It flows very naturally and is a great example of how to use dialogue to maintain the pace of a story. I also love the way you handled the topic within so nonchalantly. I’m guessing there’s a hint of lesbianism in there and you laid it out perfectly. That’s how to do it instead of screaming it atop a hill. The only discrepancies I noted were in the first line where you used ‘whispered at Roza’ and the part where there should be a comma before Gwyn. Aside from that, it’s great.


#127

8/10 A little wordy at times, but I enjoyed it and I’m curious to know what happens next! I dropped a few notes below with quotes :slight_smile:

Gonna admit, the ending of this confused me a bit. I read it over twice before I understood that it wasn’t the gentleman speaking versus Foster.

I feel like the “but that was all he said.” is not really necessary. By adding no more dialogue you’ve shown us that he doesn’t say anything more. The tag feels more like telling rather than showing.

XD I shouldn’t laugh…but I did…


Insomnia

Nia nodded. She pushed Creed over gently and he yipped, jumping down before jumping back up to settle back down. She sat up and stretched her arms in front of her, then regretted sitting up too fast and touched her throbbing forehead.

“Hungover?” Casey asked quietly as he moved over and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

Nia nodded and settled back again. She closed her eyes, waiting for the pain to ease up.

“Here, I’ll get you more water. Anything you want for breakfast?”

“Toast?” she asked softly, realizing she had no idea what Casey’s cooking skills were like. She mentally shrugged. He had grandkids, surely he could cook toast.

“Alright,” he answered from the kitchen.

Nia listened passively to the noise in the kitchen, rubbing against her temples.

Next time something happens, let’s not get drunk, she told herself.


#128

thank you you wonderful person :pray::pray: you’re right about all of that


#129

Of course, glad I could help :slight_smile:


#130

7/10

La razón de esto fue porque al principio no comprendí muy bien la escena.

NO HAY NUBE PERFECTA

Por favor - supliqué…

-Dime ¿Que beneficios obtenemos de ti?

Esa fue la pregunta que me removió todo, no lo quería decir porque eso significaba revelar mi verdadera identidad.

Contesta idiota ¡Vamos!

Sabía que si no contestaba me matarían, así que me arme de valor y dije el único secreto, que sabría sería útil.

Se de buena fuente que el heredero del mayor esta vivo.

Eso bastó para que me dejaran de golpear. Y todos me miraban esperando a continuar la historia.


#131

Um…??? Translation?


#132

Puedes ser un poco mas especifica por favor.

Porque no estoy segura si te refieres al comentario que hice sobre tu párrafo.


#133

Um. Hm. I fear I cannot understand what you’re saying. I cannot understand the rating you gave me because it’s not written in English and I fear I haven’t learned enough Spanish (which is what the language appears to be) to read the rating. I’d you can, an English translation of your rating please?

I don’t mean any offense, I simply can only read English and Latin.


#134

The reason for this was because the beginning did not understand the scene.


#135

Oh, the beginning was unclear to you. I understand that. I probably should’ve backed up and included a bit before to show that she was sitting in the couch, waking up.


#136

I also threw it into google translate (which I’m sure isn’t the best, but it’s what I have) and it looks like a lot of little pronouns and words may have gotten mixed up which may have lent some confusion.


#137

Sorry for the confusion. I hope I have not caused you any inconvenience. By the way, I also introjude it in the google translator


#138

It’s alright, I think the google translate may be the cause of the confusion, but thank you for rating it!


#139

Por suerte soy un hispanohablante, pero te voy a ratear (Asi se dice??) en Ingles por motivos obvios

(Cosa divertida, empece a escribir y lo hice en español y me di cuenta despues de aquello xd)
8/10 WOW This gave me so much questions. Is very well written, and makes me want to read the whole book to get what is going on. Good job! Next time use english though, most people here don’t speak spanish. Also, you forgot the dialogue lines (—) in “Answer, idiot!” and in the secret being revealed :slight_smile:

Authority, Order, Peace

“Why did you do it, why did you betray everything you swear to protect?” said Rafael, with anger

“Are you blind or do you pretend to be?” answered Marla, “I did what I had to do. I don’t know if you didn’t notice, but there is no longer ‘Chile’. The constitution at this point is not valid. And trying to resist them would be… Stupid, to say the least”

“So, you decided to join them? To collaborate?”

“Well, yes, I was given two choices, just like you. Collaborate or die. Honestly, trying to resist would be pointless. Just think about what happened that day… In just the first minutes every government of the world collapsed. In 6 hours every defense system of this country was wiped out. In 18 hours the Chinese, the Russian and the American military fell. 20 hours in all the American Continent was under the Authority’s control, as well as half of Europe, Africa and most of Asia. 30 hours in, and the entire world except a few countries in the Middle East were already under their control. 48 hours in, and the few survivors from Old World governments taking refuge in the European Parliament and the UN presented an official surrender letter, before being destroyed. How the fuck did you expect me to not collaborate? Resistance is truly stupid. To try to resist this situation is like trying kill a dragon with a stick. You like to pretend like you are the moral person here, but there is no good or evil, there is survival. And you are walking directly towards dead”

Rafael stared for a few minutes, not exactly knowing what to answer

Marla decided to talk

“It was nice to catch up after all this years. May you know that I won’t report seeing you. But if we ever meet again, do not expect the same. The drink’s on me”

Rafael stood up and walked away from the bar


#140

8/10 I liked it a lot! The dialogue sounds very natural. I would recommend editing it though as there are quite a few punctuation errors. I am definitely intrigued to read on!


From the midst of my thoughts, I heard a noise. A bang of some sort. I felt bright light shine on my closed eyes. I didn’t know if it was just my imagination or real life. I heard shouting. I felt something on me. A hand. Then another. And suddenly, I felt myself being lifted up from the bed. Whoever was carrying me was running. I wanted to open my eyes and see who it was and where and who we were running from. Yet, all my questions were left unanswered as I felt another needle injected into my arm and soon I feel unconscious, or maybe, I was already unconscious and this had been a dream all along.


#141

8/10 good description, but a little fast paced at the end. It started out with lots of vivid sensations with the being lifted, the sounds, etc, but then dropped off in the last bit to just a general kind of description. Interesting, though!


She twisted the ring on her finger, the stars blurring behind tears. Closing her eyes, she hung her head, allowing herself to feel the pain she’d bottled up over the past few hours. She began to sob, loudly, the tears rolling in globs down her cheeks and dripping into the dirt at her feet. Breathing became hard, and she began to gasp between her cries. A knot formed in her chest and she pressed her hands over it, doubling over shakily. The crackling of the flames persisted through the sound of her own wailing, but she couldn’t look at it. She sank down, curling in on herself as she tries to somehow lessen the pain in her heart through tears. Her throat was raw, her nose dripping, her face wet, but just curled up against the step and kept on crying. There was comfort in the warmth and salt of her tears, the rawness of her state. Her own grief felt like it was reaching out to hold her, keeping her close in it’s suffocating grasp until the pain subsided.

Breaking out into a fresh round of sobs, she shifted to her side, laying on the cold stone of the monastery steps. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, and let her grief deliver her into the solace of sleep.


#142

9/10, I love how descriptive and accurate this is! Even without reading what came before this, I can still form a solid visualization of where she is and how she’s feeling. I only have 1 small problem with it. Personally, I find it really hard to fall asleep while crying, so maybe adding in a line or two that would change it so she’s struggling to fall asleep despite being so tired before she falls asleep. Overall, this is really, really good!

My last paragraph: (it’s dialogue so I just did a few lines of it so it’ll make sense)
Lieka sighs, glancing over to me, an apologetic look in her eyes. She turns back to Miri, “Fine. Just don’t hurt her.”

“I’m not going to try to! It’ll be just a prick.”

Just a prick? What are they talking about? What proof are they going to try to get from me? And what does it have to do without her hurting me? Fear tears through my body as Miri takes a slow step closer to me.

“Stay back!” I shout, my voice shaking, “Don’t come any closer!”

“Please, calm down. I’m not trying to hurt you,” Miri reassures me, taking another step closer.I back away from her, almost falling as I step onto the platform of the bycrite.

“Miri, stop! Can’t you see you’re scaring her!” Lieka calls, moving to stop her friend from getting closer. Miri brushes her aside, descending a few more steps until she’s only a little ways away.

I continue backing away, my whole body trembling now, “What are going to do to me?”

Miri replies simply, as a gleaming white dagger materializes in her hand, “I need to see your blood.”


#143

Thank you! the main reason I didn’t put in a struggle to fall asleep is partially my own experience and also because she’s literally been on her feet for probably 20 hours straight doing manual work. Thank you, though!


#144

Well that got rather creepy. I admit, without knowing the reason for extracting this blood makes me curious as to why. Other than that the sentence structure looks fine, though I personally prefer inner dialogue having some indication but that’s more pet peeve of mine than something actually wrong. 8.8/10

My Last paragraph:
“There’s more,” Daemon added, putting a finger to his face, pointing it upwards in some professional manner. “He didn’t get into the bar tending business till he worked here as an assistant to an Amestrian immigrant, whose parents came here during the wartime. He acquired this, when that same Amestrian died of some illness and put him in his will. In fact, Boelro, over there.” Daemon pointed to their server, who was finishing up with their drinks, “Is in fact a mix. His father was your basic Soprhian, but his mother came from Somewhere in Bermuda. Why you see he has a lot of decorations from the place here.”

Trishula looked around and indeed there were many little metal decorations of specific wind chimes all around. It looked almost like a collector’s trove, as if each one hung up around the area was unique to its own self and perhaps even unique to its own native country. Trishula looked back at his friend, who put an arm on his shoulder. “I understand if you feel uneasy, but remember I’m similar in nature. Brielle isn’t like other Sorphian towns. Far out, far away from the capital. Here the social structure is very diverse.”

Trishula gave a rather weak nod as if he wasn’t entirely convinced. “I suppose maybe in this town,” he started, “but then what about when it changes?”

“Changes?”

“I’m unclear if it’s due to my heritage as Averion or being in the organization with my clearly seeable red eyes that prevents me from receiving disdain. After all, who cares about someone if they aren’t your enemy?” He rested his arms on the bar and eyes narrowed. “Trusting others isn’t an ideal way of striving forwards. I trust you Daemon and your judgement, however I don’t do the same to just any person I see. You understand why I trust you, and I know why you entrusted me with what you know…and feel.”