Last Paragraph You've Written

7/10
I think the dialogue’s too concentrated

try

(something)

and then do that again for the next one.

also

is grammatically incorrect.
other than that it’s pretty chur

(mine)

Alien Detective

“Good man.” Mr. Zebra sighed, patting the alien’s shoulder roughly, before lumbering off, disappearing around the corner.

Griffin got up and kicked the lamppost that had graciously allowed him to rest on it. The old woman was shocked by this outburst, but she still smiled at him comfortingly as he turned in her direction again. Griffin rolled his eyes and stomped off, arms folded.

(i’m not entirely sure what a paragraph is, ngl)

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I would break up the second paragraph to separate out Griffin and the old woman just for clarity’s sake. Also the lamppost graciously allowed him to rest on it? Is the lamppost alive? This does make the sentences very short though. Who is your point of view character? It sounds like it could be Griffin, so maybe add a little with his thoughts or something to show that he is the point of view character here.

Mine:

“It’s a trap.”

“What?” George blinked at her sleepily. He had nearly dozed off.

“This whole thing is a trap,” Thea said. “He doesn’t care about Jax and Valentina. He doesn’t even need me right now,” she explained. “He knows how to reverse the dais. He wants me to close the tear that he’s going to open.”

“The tear in what?” George asked her, alert now.

“In the space-time continuum.”

Well, foreboding ending aside, I would say that adding “He had nearly dozed off.” is a little repetitive, considering you already indicated he was already near sleep. Also, the paragraph where she explains things I think could have the dialogue linked up together. Sort of having instead of “Thea said” and “she explained” just have the explained one and all the dialogue linked together to help reading flow. Other than that it was a fine read. 8.6/10

And now for mine
Shattered Crests

Mephiles gave a hefty sigh as he rolled his neck and said. “Well…if you want to know now. Your name was ‘Abel Evans’ and y-”

Abel interrupted with, “wait, what do you mean by ‘was’?”

Mephiles gave him an annoyed glare and stated, “well if you want to know now I suggest you shut your curious yammer up so I can explain it.”

Abel shrank back a little from the reprimand and sat back down on the comfy little couch and focused on listening intently.

“Basically, you were experiencing a memory of yours. You see that memory was five years ago.”

Abel felt his heart sink at hearing that. Five years? He repeated in his mind in disbelief. Five years‽ How, h-h-how is that possible?

“And well, three years ago you were convicted of murdering a few fellow rehabilitating patients in an escape attempt. This lead to a few more things where you started doing some murdering of Bastions soldiers and well eventually was caught.”

“Five fellow patients and I went on a killing spree?” Abel began to tremble. He was a murderer.

“Yes, and well…you were sentenced to be executed for your…hmmm violence. You see, your what vocabulary dried up peace enforcers would call a serial murderer. Here this explains it better.” Mephiles offered a piece of paper to Abel, who accepted it with shaking hands. Mephiles started taking some notes while Abel began reading this information.

The content itself is good, but there are a lot of punctuation errors and one or two spelling errors. This needs a good edit. 7/10.

Mine:
“Wow, I really do look different,” said Luna, after Thea had finished working on her disguise. Her usual blonde hair was now brown, and her big, eagle eyes were now much smaller and also brown. Thea had also changed the shape of her face from its normal oval shaped, to a rounder more heart-shaped face. “I’m entirely undistinguishable,” said Luna. The idea had been for them to blend into the background.

Thea got started on Neville. She started out by making his hair lighter and longer and gave him more facial hair. She made his eyes lighter, and like with Luna, she made his face rounder.

Neville looked in the mirror. “Thanks, Thea. I hardly recognize myself.”

“You’re welcome,” Thea told him. “Although really, I should be thanking you.”

“We’ll find them,” said Neville. “We’ll find them, and then we’ll all go in and bring them back. Your plan’s a good one. It’s going to work.”

“Thanks, Neville,” said Thea. And then it was time for them to head out.

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I like the concept of what’s going in this paragraph. The content gives the reader a feeling of anticipation and there is not too much going on. What I think would make it better is replacing the word “said” with other words like “replied, whispered, beamed etc.” Those little descriptive words would add more feeling to the character’s dialogue and create a personality for your characters. Overall 8.5/10. Keep working on it.

Mine:
I needed to speak. This was too awkward. Turning my attention away from the boys, my gaze fell on one of the bodies on the floor. Stiffly curled up, the body was moving in a fiddling manner. I hesitantly lifted my finger and pointed at him.

“I think he’s texting someone.” I whispered.

Asian boy and Poodle followed my finger and acted fast; Asian boy shouted threats while Poodle grabbed the phone and checked its content. I, on the other hand, took this time to grab my belongings and run. Pushing my body off the wall I extended my arm and grabbed my bags. Alas, my great escape failed. My body jerked as someone tugged against my bag and everything fell to the floor; including me. A bulky arm was wrapped around my throat. Human contact against my own will was not the way to approach me.

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https://www.scribophile.com/academy/he-said-she-said-dialog-tags-and-using-them-effectively

The paragraph seems well written with good use of adjectives in each sentence. I really like the descriptive context which gives the story more context even though I know nothing else about the story. As for areas of improvement… there’s nothing I can really pick up on because I’m not a pro. It flowed well and was engaging, so I’ll give it a 9/10. Great job!

Here’s mine: (I realize the “old boy” reference might not make sense because it’s only one paragraph haha)

To her left lay the road she had been travelling on, to her right lay a dark, unwelcoming forest. Frost lay heavy on the ground; her breath drew clouds of mist in front of her. Some distance away stood a medium sized boy, perhaps a little older than her with crazy ginger hair. His face was covered in freckles. He had large dark green eyes, that, at this point in time seem somewhat concerned. He was bending over an old, dark grey horse, who sat or rather lay on the ground panting heavily. The boy didn’t notice Edel, he was too busy talking to the horse, which Edel could only assume was “Old Boy.’’

8/10. The syntax is placed very nicely but you could have added more thoughts.

Ink on your body - does that sound strange to you or are you fascinated by it? It’s rather obvious that the latter is a more famous answer than the former, with due thanks to the modern era of uninhibited humans that has led to versatility being a huge part of society today. Speaking of versatility, tattooed humans seem to be highly fond of adaptability to the point that they’d get anything that would suit their aesthetics as a tattoo on their bodies.

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8.9/10
I like the writing style in this, however, I’m unfamiliar of the speaker and the wording might take a few re-reads to understand what is being said. I would say that the second sentence sort of is an odd thing to say, considering we aren’t talking about the answers as much as the two questions. Something leading from the questions to the answers feels missing.

Mine:

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Mephiles answered, rushing him saying it clearly showing his indifference.

“Trust me, Mephiles.” Ahuizotl stopped. He looked at Mephiles in the eyes as a dark twisted smile crossed his face. It was almost as if it snuffed out any peaceful aura around.

Mephiles remained unphased, merely getting annoyed at Ahuizotl’s overly dramatic pausing.

“It will be far worth it for our cause.”

“It better be,” Mephiles grumbled as he floated on. “Else, I have half a mind to make you donate as much blood as was lost today.”

As the ghost floated away, Ahuizotl pulled his hood back over his head with one paw. I’m sure you’ll agree when you see what we catch because of it. A controlled pawn that isn’t aware he is one is better than simply having a tool. We aren’t masters of every proper approach or perspective, and that is where freedom in chains truly is an interesting thing. Ahuizotl gave a little chuckle to himself as he walked down a row of crates. “To surpass our limits,” he whispered under his breath as he vanished in the dark areas of the storage facility.

6/10
I really like fantasy so of course I liked this one about ghosts and what seems to be the aftermath of a bloody… battle?
I think it’d be better to tell less and show more? In this case, in

Might’ve been better if you just left it as

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Mephiles answered.

Readers can just tell from this much that he’s annoyed and indifferent at whatever was being said before.
Same for the following paragraphs. Simpler is sometimes best.
Try reading it all out loud.


“Oh, you were worried?” Abba says, grinning. “We’ve been spending these years just waiting for you to waltz in the door, finally ‘worried’ for our well-being. Is that what you think?”

When I’m quiet, staring at my hands, which are clenched tightly in my lap, he continues.

He’s hunched over now, his head in his hands. “Where did we go wrong in raising you? We were so careless. How would we have known—”

“Abba,” I breathe, out of my mouth. “You have— ”

“You shouldn’t have come here today. I didn’t want to do this. You wouldn’t understand. But we all had no choice.”

I can feel the vibrations in the air, the tell-tale signs of witches’ magic, so I know what he’s done.

“Abba, calm down.” I repeat, louder. “I knew what I was getting into when I showed up here today.”

9/10 I felt engaged in this paragraph and quickly figured this between a parent and their child. I could feel that tension between them.

The Element of Life
He walked me back to the principal. It was Regina’s turn. I asked the principal if I could stay in his office until Regina was done and he agreed. He sat at his desk and worked on an email while I sat there. With my eyes closed, I found myself in a small room with Regina and Officer Lang. Of course, I wasn’t physically there. He searched her backpack as he found textbooks, pencils, notebooks, and a bag of weed. Oh crap! Regina didn’t even do weed let alone sell it. Somebody planted this operation. I continued to follow them as they walked back. With my eyes still closed I waved my hand which allowed me to change the formula of the weed. I was basically killing the ingredients the made it weed. They came back into the office. The officer tested the weed to see if it was in fact weed. It turned out after my ingredient changing that it wasn’t a bag of weed. I saved Regina. After everything had ended, the bell rung. The day was over. We walked out of the office only to see Janelle from a distance covering her face in a magazine. It became clear that she was the one who planted the weed on Regina.

“That skank!” Regina shouted.

Anger took over me. I wanted nothing more than to kill her. I could’ve easily done it, but I figured that it wouldn’t end well. She zoomed out of the area and we followed her. Maybe I would just smack her a little.

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Well, this thread is almost dead. But hope this revives it somehow. Anyway, I’d give this a 5/10. To be honest, this did draw me in a little with the MC being in trouble but once the out of body experience happened, i was just turned off from reading it. Also, it’s a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. for eg:

how is it clear that she was the one who sabotaged Regina? was it the way she stood? was it the way she was glancing up every few seconds to avoid suspicion? as the audience, we just see her standing there with a magazine covering her face, which doesn’t really make sense as she couldn’t see MC and Regina and run away from them.

how does Regina immediately know it’s her? Janelle could just have been reading a magazine. also, isn’t it the end of school? wouldn’t there be a lot more kids that the MC couldn’t just spot Janelle immediately?

that’s all from me. hope this helps!

With a heavy heart, I pulled myself from the couch and sauntered over to the kitchen in search of food. As I poured myself a cup of much needed coffee, my phone rang.

I picked up on the second ring. “Hey, I’m so sorry about what happen–”

“Kayla, it’s been too long. I’m not sure if Tyler told you but we want to invite you over for dinner tomorrow night. It’d be nice to catch up after all these years.” Alice’s voice made me smile despite the murky feeling in my chest.

“Hi Alice, it’s good to hear from you. Sure, I’d love to come over.”

“That’s great. Is Tyler there? That boy isn’t picking up his phone.”

“No, he isn’t. Do you want to leave a message?”

“No, I just want to check up on him. You know how he gets. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow dear. Bye now.” She hung up and I was left alone again.

7/10 I enjoyed it but, I wish that there was more action going on rather than just the dialouge. What was Kayla doing or reacting to what Alice was saying on the phone?

I feel the part of me that’s really me come out to play, to feel the vibe of the music and let my body go free. One moment, one brilliant feeling of togetherness suspended in time. Music, friends, good times, dance. With that music, that beat, those crazy, crazy lights I know I’m alive, I’m real, and reality is awesome. By the end of the night I’m quite drunk, I should cut back but who’s counting?

An excerpt from the first year

6/10 While I like the sentiments the speaker of the excerpt is saying, there’s a lot of repetition going on about feeling. Feeling is expressed at least three times in two sentences or so. One way to counteract this is to describe the sensory details. How does the music sound and feel against their body (I’m refraining from using gender specific pronouns as it’s a bit unclear). How do the lights look? How do the people around the character look? Then we get to the bit about them being drunk which is a bit abrupt. Overall, I think the writing could really focus on the sensory applications as it would make the writing stand out more.


Silence takes over the room as Henry stares at nothing. Millie closes her eyes and brings him closer to her, feeling his body grow tight. He edges himself away and put his fingers into his mouth, pulling down on his lower lip.

“I’ll sing to you. Singing makes everything better.”

Millie takes his hand, but he releases it and flails as he moans. “No touching! Do not touch! Mama! Mama! Bread! Bread! Mama’s coming!”

“Ssh, Henry. Mama isn’t h-here anymore,” Millie says, her throat constricting as her heart squeezes tight in her chest. “I’m going to sing to you now.”

He is sprawled on the faded out rug. “Sing the pretty roses song.” He smiles and laughs.

Millie looks away in the direction of the window and for a moment, she feels her mother’s presence.

“O my love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June. O my love is like a melody that’s sweetly played in tune. . .”

She continues to sing, but her throat constricts and her words falter. Her mother’s image is faceless. She tries reaching out for her, but her mother is disappearing —like a soft, gentle breeze, caressing. The golden-yellow aroma of baked bread floats around them. As a bit of sunshine, the warm presence of her mother —but it is a poor substitute for the real thing.

8/10. It’s well written and it shows plenty of emotion it’s just a little bit scattered.
<~*~>
With that, Sean woke up, the technician’s voice coming through the halls. With a groan, he gets out of bed, staring at his stark white sweatpants. He took a deep breath, taking these moments to prepare himself for morning group and hygiene. He got up and walked out of his room, his two roommates having left minutes ago. He stands in line, waiting for his turn to take his salmon pink bin full of hygiene supplies. He took a deep breath, ignoring the glare of James. James didn’t like anyone really, but he really seemed to hate Sean.

Not that Sean cared. He didn’t do anything to James so why in Hell should he? Annie approached him from behind, placing a hand upon his shoulder. In consequence, the male was startled, suddenly proclaiming ‘stront’. He then notices it was just Annie and takes a deep breath. “Don’t scare me like that-”

Excerpt from The Last Door

5/10. First off, you keep jumping back and forth between present and past tense which throws me off. In addition, a lot of your sentences start with “he” which starts to sound boring, so try to vary it up a little bit. Also, I would avoid referring to your characters with identifiers like “the male” because it sounds very detached. I would suggest using an identifier that people will recognize like “the brunette” or something like that.

Coming soon: The Girl King

Antonia walked out of her room and nearly jumped when she saw Godric lounging against the wall across from her door. He straightened the moment he saw her, but there was a stiffness to him that gave away that he didn’t do it completely out of respect.

She couldn’t let this catch her off guard. After all, this had been her plan. With the slightest nod in his direction, Antonia set out for the war room.

8/10
As someone who has no context, this paragraph interests me in a way that makes me want to read more, and understand the meaning behind the tension. I would have maybe liked a little more description, but your paragraph was very good otherwise.

~

Excerpt from a short piece I have been writing away from wattpad:

The flag waved as crimson as the blood that poured from the revolution.
The ravenous jaws of death tore at those on the barricade, the numerous bullet wounds like teeth marks in the simple bodies of the schoolboys. Down and splinters littered the cobblestones; remnants of the battle fought in vain.
Uniformed soldiers strewn across the concrete, slumped over their weapons and comrades, fallen from the war that they never wished to fight. The students who had given their lives for a lost cause lay mangled in the early days of June, the spark that they once possessed extinguished in the light drizzle. The people no longer sing their song of pride, but the tune of abhorrence and defeat.
The law still towered over the impoverished towns, laughing in the face of homelessness and turning a blind eye to starvation. No hope was left for those who survived, and any dream of another uprising seemed to be belittled.
Once again, those with any scrape of ambition had lost everything.

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7/10. i could sense the hopelessness and defeat of the ‘good guys’ but it just didn’t pull me in.

this paragraph seems a bit irrelevant to me at least, it just seems repetitive. but i would keep the last line in to link it to the next paragraph and rephrase it to something like this:

<no longer could people sing their song of pride, only a tune of abhorrence and defeat left their lips.>

i would also take out this line. to me, it doesn’t emphasise anything other than the obvious.


The door creaked open as I jiggled my keys out of the lock, a dark living room greeted me as I slipped off my shoes. The ceiling light flickered to life before I flopped onto the couch and my bag slid to the floor.

Question: what vibe do you get from reading this para?