Let me Proofread your Work for you! (no more requests for now please)

writing
critiques
help

#1

If you’ve recently written something, an addition to a project, anything, then please, let me proofread it for you! I get to read your new masterpiece, and you can get language/word choice alternatives, any grammar corrections, as well as corrections for any incorrect punctuation, tenses, and so on.

Even if you’ve proofread it yourself, I am happy to double check for you and offer advice/improvements on anything you are unsure about, or would like advice on. Don’t be shy, just go ahead and post whatever you want as a reply and I’ll read through, alter it slightly, and highlight points where you could consider alternative use of language, or slow-down/speed-up the story, etc.

No payment at all on here my lovelies! Consider the joy from reading your work as payment. Well… except maybe giving my account a little follow?


#2

Hiya! i just posted the first 4 parts of my story today and would love someone to read over it to see if theres something i may have missed! Its called In The Heart Of The City as of now


#3

I’d love some feedback! Some people have told me that my story Words In Pink sometimes could use some improvements in sentence structuring or grammar. Your offer sounds like exactly what I need, so it would help a lot if you could have a look at it!


#4

@FrankieThread and @originalverbivore I’ll take a look for you guys, no problem! Feedback soon.


#5

Ooh, how lovely of you to do! :blush:

Can look over the 5 chapters I have for my 3rd WIP Forsaken, Forbidden, Forgotten. I want to see if the chapters flow with the story, character development makes sense, and if the overall plot is clear so far before continuing.


#6

I read through your blurb so far, and can’t wait to check out the rest of the story!
For improvements to the blurb, I copied and pasted it into word, and just typed in a changed a few bits and pieces, keep as much or as little as you want!

Nine people, four districts, one city.

San Moirae is the City of Luck and barer of good fortunes. It’s home to more than 5 million hopefuls willing to place their lives in the hands of the fates, and they favour this city over any other in the world. Nine lives will become one, deep in the heart of San Moirae. Now that the web is woven, all that’s left is to watch the pieces fall into place.

_ Meet:_

-Veronica, an excited college graduate still looking for a story to write, hoping to find it in the city.

-Cammilea, A newly wedded wife with a nauseating fear of commitment.

-Heath, A newly wedded husband and an ambitious business man, ready to start the next chapter of his life. Which will be harder - a new business or a relationship?

-Nina Glover, a far-from-recovering drug and sex-addict that has gotten herself way too connected with all the wrong people, and in such an altered state… will she ever fight her way out of this hole?

-Ren Glover, a trans girl, hit by the disapproval of everyone around her, but with the 7th grade transfer, could things be looking up?

-Tate Glover, an over-protective twin to Ren, at the cost of all his other relationships. The son of the city whore, and sibling to the ‘confused boy’, Tate is beginning to feel the crushing weight of the Glover name.

-Ezra Moore, a runaway who’s trying to lose his wretched (or other appropriate adjective?) identity among the endless faces and names of the city, to escape the macabre suffering of the torture house.

-Greyson Ferris, one of many trans kids banished from his own home. Left with nothing but his sanity, Greyson is determined to make a name for himself, so long as social services don’t come creeping.


#7

Prologue: Health and Camilla Spicer: (added in or edited sections in Bold)

General notes: (Just suggestions)

  • Add in commas wherever you can
  • Try to avoid very long paragraphs
  • Cammilea/Camilla - Camilla is a more common spelling of the name, but Cammilea is also unique.

Paragraph 1: (Consider)

  • "If someone had told me a year ago…
    (Consider adding a “had” infront of similar phrases throughout)
  • Instead of other random people etc, possibly a more formal speech could be used e.g “and all these lovely people

Paragraph 3:

  • “The impending guilt that would wash over her” - consider using a metaphor e.g. the Wave of impending guilt etc.
  • Consider starting a new paragraph ar “heath’s vows were so…”

Paragraph 6:

  • “She thought he came in vain” - doesn’t entirely make sense

Paragraph 9:

  • Consider using a : instead of a ;
  • “… in a nice apartment (comma) in one…”
  • “…and without her…”

Paragraph 10:

  • Consider “Heath was in bed, his dirty/clean etc nonprescription…”
  • he was like an…
  • a second wave of guilt (consider a different verb to washed, e.g crashed through her)

Paragraph 11:

  • Consider “Heath mumbled, murmered, breathed

Paragraph 13:

  • Maybe start a paragraph like so:
    “Again? I didn’t… as much as I do”

She used to think…

  • “offered an ambigious”
  • Comma after “subject”

Paragraph 14:

  • “the side of it littered with multiple dollar signs followed by numbers
  • “the thing he had been…”

Paragraph 15:

  • Wha- oh!
  • starting/having/running my own” as opposed to “owning my own”

Last paragraph:
Consider:
"Cammilea reconsidered. Getting married had been the worst decision of her life.

So far."


#8

Prologue: Veronica

Notes:

  • consider adding in adjectives e.g “a warm mid-afternoon”
  • consider making longer sentences more concise
  • add in commas where there are longer, unbroken sentences
  • consider expressing Vee’s feelings a little more - does she feel anxious about revealing her announcement?
  • “tutting” as opposed to “tut-ing”
  • “on a seriously mental health concerning side note”/ “on a side note, I’m seriously concerned about her mental health- has anyone seen…”
  • consider making the interaction go more unsuccessfully as to give the reader more incentive to go on and see if she gets what she wants

Prologue: Greyson & Ezra

  • consider experimenting with language, using more adjectives, metaphors etc
  • perhaps making the mother seem more creepy would make her out to be more of an antagonist?

(This one was so gripping!!!)

And, finally, Prologue: Nina, Ren & Tate Glover

  • “Not that, she had…”
  • maybe adding in thinks like senses, what did it smell like? Was it loud?
  • consider describing thoughts running through any of the characters heads

You are such an amazing writer btw! I wish u the best with the rest of your work :smiley:


#9

I can’t wait to read this, it looks so sweet!

Blurb:

  • consider “A tale of a young man who expresses his his buried feelings for a girl through pink post it notes” or something along those lines, just to make it sounds a little more poetic, although the current blurb is short and sharp, and oddly effective.

General notes:

  • The style of your writing is so unique and amazing, I hope to write like that one day. I know you’ve influenced me as a writer.
  • there was a sense of rhythm, like poetry, iambic pentameter or tetrameter or something, I can never work it out, but it was very effective.
  • anyway I left a comment on the authors note but saying this kind of thing

As He Watched:

  • consider adding more detail to points such as “on the back of the guy”/e.g “on the back of the torn jacket worn by the brunette she sat behind.”
  • “the third, was the first, the first reaction that he would be able to see” etc
  • “not in a creepy way, in a loving way” consider editing this out, as it is obvious by the “he admired her” etc
  • “showing her teeth” consider “her teeth shining”
  • “that when she left, in her place, was a little yellow post it”

As he Feared:

  • Consider adding “…two hours to answer him, and always managed…” (about halfway through)

As she wondered:

  • Consider - “He knew which locker she had, and probably even which classes she had. Does he share one with her?”
  • “she only had one close knit group”

As he Doubted: (alternative phrases)

  • Consider - “a fear still crept inside him though”
  • “…decide to stop writing to him. (New sentence) He’d…”
  • “they weren’t best friends or anything”/“they’d never spoken/they didn’t know each other”

As She Remembered: (alternative language)

  • “the internet was full of horror (omit stories?)/ the internet did nothing but plague her with fear” etc
  • instead of “various side effects”, consider emotive language e.g “horrifying side effects” etc

As She realised:

  • “had her mom… it’d gotten this serious”/“had her mum been hiding this from her? How could she not have seen?”
  • On the last paragraph, consider starting a new paragraph after “hiding things from her” and ending just on “she was getting worse”
  • also, I nearly cried, your writing was amazing I wish I could write like that

As He Dared:

  • consider adding in some commas in the first paragraph

3:05 pm:

  • maybe just add somewhere that it’s in the cafe, or not, as it’s very effective the way it is, but it took me till 3:12 pm to realise they were at the cafe (I know, I’m so slow :joy:)

As They Lost:

  • “never had a family member passed away, never had a friend.”

#10

I love the aesthetic dump at the start, it gets the mood going so well.

The language and detail is also amazing, I just left one or two comments on parts where I noticed a small mistake.

Chapter one:

  • at the start of chapter one, when she talks about marraige and then about Savon, it sort of seems like she’s going to marry him - although it’s implied she’s not, consider making it crystal clear for readers - but it would still be fine if u left it
  • “…Maoris bowes to his new wife and led her to their seats again, pretending that their union was doused in perfection” - I personally would leave this more ambiguous e.g “their union doused in stale promise” or something like that

This is probably just me being slow at catching onto things, but I only properly realised that not everyone was a mortal human in chapter 3

To answer your concerns:

  • the characters themselves feel very well established
  • (your writing skills are off the charts)
  • but I would consider adding in some kind of “down-low” on what’s happening at the start, as I wasn’t entirely sure what was happening - there are two sides, Neas is on one, but apart from that I was lost. Who is this other side? Which characters are good? Where are they all? Are they living in a forest? I kind of gathered there was another plane that they visited at one point but I’m not entirely sure. (The questions I asked are just examples of what readers may be thinking)

Your story was a joy to read, however, and I eagerly anticipate the rest!!! All the best, and enjoy writing!


#11

Thank you!! This is so helpful <3 And I loved all your lovely comments in the book itself too!


#12

Hi, I wouldn’t mind some proofreading since I’m looking to do a bit of re-writting of the earlier parts of my story :slight_smile:

I’ll add a little bit of info:
Title: The Last Philosopher
Genre: Fantasy/Attempted Comedy
And if you don’t mind jumping in, you could start from the fifth part “How, is that the question?”

Also, thanks and sorry :stuck_out_tongue:


#13

No problem at all! Can’t wait to read! I will leave comments on your story, that might be easier.


#14

Thanks again, In-line comments on paragraphs work well for me, if you have something specific to say about that paragraph :slight_smile:


#15

I’ll do a few, and although I’d love to read the whole thing, it is quite long so I’ll make a note of any general trends or minor improvements for you, if I notice them repeating a lot.


#16

That’s fine, I mean I wouldn’t mind if you did the whole thing of course but it’s up to you, and if you change your mind and just want to read it, that’s fine too :slight_smile:


#17

I’ll give a quick response now, and a better one when I finish reading it (it will probably take a few months not gonna lie :joy:)

Notes:

  • although commas can be used to depict the rhythm you have in your head when you write, most of your readers won’t have this rhythm, meaning that the rhythm won’t make sense to them (does this make any sense?) so consider sticking to the very basic rules e.g commas in between adjectives in lists, commas to separate clauses etc.
  • your style of writing is quite informative and formal, which of course many writers do have, and it gives a wonderful sense of “voice” to the character, but consider adding in breaks of more cinematic writing to give breaks to the reader, which you can do by adding in more emotive language as opposed to academic (e.g thought/fathomed articulated/said), just in a few places to express more emotion. Also, don’t leave out the picture you have in your head when you write - was the rising sun green, spreading mist over the environment as he stared out the window contemplating his escape? Were the lights dingy, was there dust on the table? Let the reader experience it, instead of telling them about it.
  • where there are longer, unbroken sentences or chunkier paragraphs, ask yourself if this information is helpful in the plot. Because really, readers are here to be engaged in the story, and to care for the characters, not to know whether the rain was cold or whether the rain was particularly cold. If things are implied, then let them be implied, as opposed to having to very clearly clarify it to the reader, as in real life, if you were to put on a jacket because it’s cold, you wouldn’t then think “I will put on a jacket because it’s cold and it will keep the heat out because it’s a jacket and that’s what jackets do”, you would simply put on the jacket, and feel warmer afterwards. This implies the cold. (Etc.)
  • try to abide by the very mainstream rule - hook the readers from the start. Make us love your protagonist, or make us hate him if you want, just make sure it’s done in a way that forces us to remain to see their growth and their progression. Give them a passion or a goal that is obvious from the start. Create situations where we just MUST stay on to read. Make the characters question their safety, their lives, if what they are doing will work.

This is just from the first few parts though so you may very well go on to do all of these things, just consider the attention span of readers on an informal platform such as Wattpad. If you wished to publish it elsewhere, then you probably would not have to do these things.

May just say that I felt so intellectual reading your story? Amazing skill. Amazing mind.


#18

Thanks, and thanks for voting, I’m going to have a look at your comments in a while :slight_smile: