I also dislike this not just in the sense of gay relationships but like, couples where the the girl is taller than the guy. Because that’s real life. (It’ll never happen to 5’0ft me lol).
I think height is one thing, but the femme/masculine thing is completely individual to each person.
Like, in my novel, Haydn is taller than Elijah, but Elijah is the standard, not quite six foot handsome Victorian man with wide shoulders and more masculine feautures but with a condradictory personality. He’s full of anxiety and shy and very emotional but just looking at him wouldn’t tell you that. Haydn may be taller but he’s more in balance both in feminity and masculinity. He’s thin due to vampirism but also stronger. Elijah is only weaker because he’s human but he’s pretty strong for a human.
Sexually, Elijah is passive with any partner he has, be it man or woman. Haydn is dominant but this also has roots in his Roman upbrining. If you were not on top, you were not a man. Of course, he doesn’t think Elijah isn’t man but the roles of his mortal society still have a say in how he portrays himself.
And, even greater, is they always switch when it comes to cuddling (big spoon/little spoon) but Haydn is literally a child when it comes to being held. He prefers being the little spoon.